DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the boy meets world/girl meets world universe, I just had to get rid of the Riarkle whispering in my head.
He thinks at first that he's supposed to like her. Obligated almost because she's like sunshine and her smile is like gold. He sees her in this almost glorious light, perfection in the early morning sun. He thinks he's supposed to like her and Maya because what they have is a friendship he could never dream of. He thinks that he has to like both because one is like rain and the other rainbow. He thinks that rain should be loved and rainbows to be admired, that he is being practical by making a list of pros and cons. He thinks he has to like her with her wavy brown hair and her infectious laughter. She seems like the girl anyone could fall in love with, the girl next door. The right girl to fall for the one who won't break your heart because you'll never fully give it to her. He thinks he's supposed to like Riley Matthews.
So he doesn't mind when Lucas comes around with his sunshine persona and infectious laughter and a gravitional force for bright, luminous things. Perfect people with happiness strained inside of them belong together. He doesn't even feel a twinge of pain or heartache. Lucas and Riley were welded from the same metal, the same preciousness of gold and silver. The lightness they bought to the dark, the shades of starlight they created and even the shards of piercing smiles they both had gave them the power to rule the world. He sees the grey in Maya's heart, the one of dreariness that Riley has patched up from the dark black, turn the hue of shining light seen in Lucas' eyes. He closes his eyes, because he used to think he liked Riley Matthews and now he knows... Riley and Lucas are what he has dreamed of having. Dreams so fragile shouldn't be complicated by the complicated feelings of teenage girls and teenage boys. He allows himself to see Maya without the flicker of moonlight in her eyes and when he opens his eyes again Maya is the shade of clouds heavy with storm.
Girls like Smackle match boys like him. They say the right words, the right reactions and the rightness that comes from being welded by the same metal. They match like Riley and Lucas match. Together they bring about a haze of perfection, of complete halves and of a semblance of pure joy. As a pair, they look the part. They aren't disjointed, fractured or fragmented. Maya stands with her heart clasped in her hands willing to give it to a boy named Josh. He notices that she thinks they match too. Both with art in their dreams, the colour of sky shifting in their eyes and the words of poems drifting in their minds. When people match there's a sense of overwhelming happiness because for once... The misunderstanding that hovers between their ribs can be understood. He thinks he likes Smackle just like how he thinks he used to like Riley and how Riley and Lucas are the perfect two. His brain almost explodes with all this overthinking.
It's not technically something you can pinpoint. It's hidden moments, quietude in the chaos and the changing way in which you dream. It might be the hope that shivers in her voice, fragile but determined as she tumbles and cracks in order to get onto the cheerleading team. It might be the way her head tilts when they're in class, as if in deep thought trying to garner a meaning to something meaningless. It might be that she turns to him, her eyes searching for him to agree but never disappointed if he didn't. It might be him trusting in her, in her innocence and ideals and in this frail friendship she holds so firmly to. It might be the dreamy gaze in her eyes when she's off far away in Rileytown. But he thinks he knows possibly when it starts when he sees a fear trembling in her eyes, a dripping ice cream cone in her fingers. He thinks it might be true when he sees the way her determination and hope lays untarnished, unbroken. He thinks it might have been the pen etched on their foreheads, a secret and stain they had all wanted to hide. He thinks it's the time she hugged him in the janitor's closet and a promise that seemed unbreakable from her lips. He thinks. He thinks. He thinks.
It takes him awhile to realise he knows exactly when he feels it. He can see it as the sunshine in her brown eyes gives way to the grey clouds and the way the sun begins peeking out in Maya's. When he realises rainbows are born from rain and that joy, constant joy is a burden and a responsibility. He realises it when he sees tremors in Riley's fingers and the spitting of the fire flames in Texas. He realises it as the air changes around them, the inexplicable feeling of regret and duty a line of tremulous thought. He realises it when he's sitting, his mouth filled with the taste of sweet ribs and juicy meat, her eyes the kind a downtrodden puppy gives. He realises when Charlie Gardner asks her out and the resolution in her smile breaking down the hope. He realises that Riley Matthews is not the sun personified, nor was she a sunflower in the breeze or the shine of a rainbow. He sees her, with her body drained with storm and raindrops leaking from her in drips. And when he holds her, when she leans in and her body lets go of the responsibility and unsaid seas, he knows for an absolutely, mathematically way that he isn't supposed to like Riley Matthews.
He isn't supposed to like Riley Matthews or Riley and Lucas together or Smackle despite this feeling of understanding between them makes his heart smile. He isn't suppose to think like that because perfection is a guaranteed misfortune and mistake. He hugs Riley's rain soaked body, her eyes craving sunlight and Charlie Gardner comes to try and give it to her. He watches as she leaves, her mind falling between the lake beds of resignation and eventuality.
He isn't supposed to like Riley Matthews. He's supposed to love her - not in the desperate, puzzling way Lucas and Maya love each other - no, that's not right. Not in the way his father looks towards his mother, the smiles of admiration and impossible lingering in their eyes. He watches Cory and Topanga. He knows to his core. He's supposed to love Riley Matthews like Cory and Topanga love each other. And he knows with even more certainty that he isn't going to or will, he already is.
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