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Harry watched as his aunt cooed at the neighbor's newborn; Mrs. Turner had come over to show off her youngest child, and the two women were currently enjoying tea time. He had been serving them, and generally staying out of the way, when it occurred to him that he didn't know where babies came from. It wasn't something the Dursleys had ever bothered telling him, and he was too old to simply believe that babies appeared out of thin air.
He went in search of some answers and found his uncle sitting in the next room. Vernon was reading the newspaper in a robe and two fuzzy slippers. Harry wondered if interrupting would get him yelled at, but he decided to brave it anyways.
"Uncle Vernon?"
"What, Boy?"
"Where do babies come from?"
His uncle froze, the newspaper drooping as the man gaped at him. "Err. That's right...we never discussed this."
"Well?"
"I..." Vernon was steadily turning an unflattering shade of purple. "Ask your aunt."
As he turned to rush off to his next destination, he could have sworn he heard his uncle mutter something about "sexual education" and "His crowd."
He went back into the room he had left his aunt and her guest in, but Mrs. Turner must have taken her son and gone already. So he went around looking for his aunt. Maybe she would tell him the answer to his question.
There was a loud noise coming from the laundry room. He sprinted in that direction and saw his aunt standing near the washing machine.
"Aunt Petunia."
His aunt sneered at him, "I'm busy right now."
"Uncle Vernon said I could ask you something."
"What is it then?"
He hesitated as he took in her appearance. She was covered in water, there was a mess of wet clothes at her feet, and her face was red.
"Well? Out with it!"
"Where do babies come from?"
Petunia blinked. "Don't you already know?"
He shook his head.
"I'm not sure if I should tell you."
Harry looked distinctly downcast. "Why not?"
"I don't know what kind of policy Your kind has on it."
He dragged a toe across the carpet.
"Besides, I have no time for this nonsense."
"Oh. That's okay, I guess..."
He left without his question being answered. 'I wonder if they even know...'
"I've got it! I'll owl Ron."
He happily grabbed some parchment and began to write.
"'Dear Ron, my Aunt and Uncle refuse to tell me where Babies come from. Can you tell me? Your friend, Harry.' Perfect."
Hedwig held out her leg and Harry tied his rolled up letter to it.
"To Ron, Hedwig. Wait for a reply."
Days later Hedwig showed up. He excitedly took the letter from her and began to read Ron's response.
"'Are you joking? You're the savior of the wizarding world! How do you not know where babies come from? What is wrong with your aunt and uncle? They should have explained it, because I would feel funny telling you. Why don't you call Hermione on the fellytone. She gave you the number, remember! And she could tell you better then I could. Probably read a book about it. Ron.'"
Harry sighed. Was his question ever going to be answered?
"Fellytone...telephone, of course."
He was reluctant to call her at such a late hour, but if her parents picked up...he would just have to explain why he was calling.
His cousin, aunt, and uncle were all asleep in their beds when he tiptoed to the telephone and dialed the Granger residence.
The phone rang.
Someone picked up and sleepily said, "Hello?"
"Oh...hello, Mr. Granger. It's Harry Potter, Sir. I need to talk with Hermione."
"What's so urgent that you called at," pause. "3am."
"I need to ask about babies."
Suddenly Mr. Granger seemed to come awake, "Babies?! My baby talking about babies! I can't believe she would... She said you were just friends!"
"Uh, Sir--"
"You keep away from my daughter, young man! Or you will have me to deal with, wizard or no. Babies, hmph!" Click.
"Sir?" Pause. "Sir?" Longer pause. "Must have been a bad connection."
He was very tired now and no less curious. He was restless, fidgety and could do nothing to relieve his anxiety. No one would tell him anything! It was like when Dumbledore had been ignor--
"That's it, Dumbledore. I'll firecall Dumbledore!"
"What's that noise? Boy!" Called his uncle.
He quickly faked sleep. He could firecall Dumbledore tomorrow when his relatives had left.
His uncle had gone to work, his aunt to a neighbors, and Dudley had headed off to torment someone with his gang. That left Harry alone. He quickly retrieved the floo powder he had 'borrowed' last year.
The fireplace was still connected to the floo from the Weasleys. All he had to do was throw some powder, say Dumbledore's name, and stick his head in the fire.
"Headmaster Dumbledore!"
"Why hello, Mr. Potter. What can I do for you?"
"I have a question. Where do babies come from?"
"That is a tricky question, Harry."
"I know. I've asked everyone I can think of, and no one seems to willing to tell me."
"Everyone?"
"I asked my relatives, Ron, and... I tried to ask Hermione but her father answered the phone, and it must have been a bad connection since the phone went dead."
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled merrily. "Ah, I see. And I was next on you list?"
"Well, yes, sir."
Dumbledore sucked on a lemon drop thoughtfully. "While I am pleased you are willing to come to me for help, I'm afraid I cannot legally (as your Headmaster) tell you where babies come from."
"Is it some kind of world wide secret or something?!" Harry asked frustratedly.
"The only thing I would be allowed to tell you is that the stork comes."
"What 'stork.'"
"The stork is a bird of fairytales who brings babies to expectant mothers."
"Truthfully?"
"It is an interesting story to tell young children who can't understand where babies come from."
"I'm not a child." Harry said before beginning to pull his head back out of the fire.
Dumbledore called out, "Perhaps you should ask your godfather."
Harry began to write a letter to his godfather. "'Snuffles, need to see you. Urgent! Harry.'"
He tied the letter to Hedwig and sent her off.
There wasn't anything to do but wait. He sat down and thought about all the people he had asked his question to.
The doorbell rang.
He rushed to answer it and found Remus Lupin there with a big black dog.
He hurried them inside. The entered and the dog became Sirius Black.
"Now, what's so urgent? Did you see a deatheater, are you hurt, do you--"
Harry cut him off with a sheepish, "No...I just need to ask a question."
"What kind of question?"
Harry's eyes widen, giving him the look of a young child. "Where do babies come from?"
Silence.
Remus looks at Sirius who looks at Remus. Sirius begans howling with laughter.
"Sirius! Be serious...er, stop laughing."
Sirius looks over, "I'm sorry. I just thought that Harry was going to ask something else!"
"Well?" Harry glances at the both of them.
"Well...when a man and a man...wait... Let's start that again. I meant when a man and a woman...obviously men go to adoption agencies or take a special potion. But that's enough about that."
Harry becomes confused at the ramblings of his godfather.
"Anyways, always use protection. There are spells to stop that sort of thing from happening prematurely. It's, uh, hard to explain. I mean usually people just...kind of...do it." Sirius nods, "Yes, very hard to explain."
Harry tilts his head, "Can you just show me then?"
"No!" Sirius recoils and his right eye twitches slightly.
"Do you know your eye is twitching, Sirius?"
Sirius slaps a hand across the offending eye and says, "No, it's not."
"Uh..." Harry glances at a smirking Remus who gestures that he should continue. "Yeah it is."
"I don't twitch!"
"Ooookay, if you say so."
"That's right, listen to your godfather."
Remus sniggers behind a hand.
Sirius glares, "What are you laughing at? If you think you can do better...you do it!"
The werewolf raises an eyebrow in response.
"Not so high and mighty now, are--"
"Alright, Harry. Come with me and I you shall have your answers."
Harry nods. "Are you going to show me?"
Sirius' eye twitches again.
"No, I'm going to explain."
Remus returned an hour later with a shellshocked Harry. Sirius was pacing and twitching.
"Did you answer all his questions?"
Remus nods and looks over at Harry.
Harry snaps out of his stupor and says, "In excruciating detail."
"Do you feel any better now that you know?"
Harry hesitates before nodding, "Well, yes, but..."
"But what?"
Harry looks at Sirius and then Remus, clearly traumatized. "I'll never be able to look Tonks in the eye again."
Sirius turns to the now embarrassed Remus, "Tonks, huh?"
Remus blushed and Harry found the ground interesting.
Sirius threw his head back and laughed.
fin