A Perfect Summary of Persona 5's Plot
I don't own anything. The Persona series belongs to ATLUS and Sega.
This is some crack I whooped up. Obviously, don't take this seriously, pretty sure this is my last hurrah on this site because I'm gonna be too busy. I might do a roleplay but I dunno.
Note: I have never used drugs before by the time I post this, which may be even worse because I'm insane even without them. Been one or two years since I last posted a single fic, so I wonder if something like this will get me banned. Well, fanfic is a less but still dumb version of YouTube, so I dunno.
For those who stayed with me, thanks. You've been so supportive and even when I was down, your support lifted me back up. I don't know if any of you are even still around but I have nothing but thanks and hugs for you.
Review, fav if you like this fic. Here's the story.
The game starts in Las Vegas where you're going Payday 2 on this fucking place. You are like Masked Tuxedo from Sailor Moon or some shit like that. You run with a briefcase and after beating the shit out of a security guard who turns into a goat-demon with pillow cushions as a collar. You get out of the casino by going suicidal with the window and plopping you're face on the cement outside.
Suddenly, a bunch of cops show up and beat the shit out of you and bring you to the banana slamma. Turns out, one of your teammates went AWOL and sold you out and now you're being drugged by the cops from Johnny Test and get your ass shoved in.
Soon, this genderbent Miles Edgeworth shows up to interrogate you but you're too high to remember shit. You start talking about stealing someone's organs, some Kingdom Heart other world bullshit and you begin to tell your story from the beginning.
You are Harry Potter or like how ATLUS likes to name you, Ren Mamma Mia. You're going to a new school because after saving someone from Pitbull, the thanks you get is getting your ass sued and get expelled, so you're stuck in a shithole of a city called Tokyo. You go to a cafe you wish was filled with rabbits and cute girls but it's an old guy named Coffee Dad who makes you sleep in the shitty attic (hooray). You go to sleep and have a dream about you being in prison with Gru from Despicable Me and Jail Bait Twins, telling you that you're doing rehab even though you haven't taken drugs until a few months later. Also, this app keeps showing up on your phone but you delete it because why not. While you'e here, everyone's having seizures no reason and nobody knows why.
You go to school to the next day and meet Tarou from Shirobako (I like to call him Shirobutthole) and a Victoria's Secret model named Generic. After Generic gets a ride from Dolores UmChin, you and Shirobutthole go take a shortcut to school but the app you keep deleting for no reason acts up now you're in a castle where Princess Peach likely isn't in.
You get taken by these monster knights and shoved in a jail cell. Instead of boning, you and Shirobutthole try to escape but suddenly UmChin shows up in the outfit of a stripper, putting deep fear in you. The monster knights mistake Shirobutthole as Ned Stark and try to cut his head off under UmChin's orders then suddenly, the Master Hand asks you if you wanna join Smash. You say yes and Tuxedo Mask really does come out of you after you rip your face off and set your face on fire. You and Shirobutthole put UmChin in your own jail cell and run the fuck outta there.
Soon, while running, you find the Pikachu/Mickey Mouse/Teddie of this game who's name is GO TO FUCKING SLEEP is in jail too. You save his ass and turns he has a Stand just like you and its powers are breaking wind (no, really). You escape thanks to GO TO FUCKING SLEEP and get out of the castle. Hope Toad's alright in there.
A few days later, you and Shirobutthole stupidly go back and forth into the castle with GO TO FUCKING SLEEP. Turns out where you go is another freaking dimension that was made by UmChin because he turns out to be Harvey Weinstein. Also those monster knights were Shadow the Hedgehog's brothers, made up from UmChin's molesting desires. UmChin was a character in Mario vs Sonic at the Olympics, so he thinks he's the biggest shit out there which is why the Palace shit is there.
Soon, Shirobutthole gets his own Stand: Captain Jack Sparrow who decided to fuse with the Flying Dutchman. To get rid of the Palace shit, they have to rob UmChin's "Treasure" which would make him good and not Harvey Weinstein, so they wanna do that shit. The reason why GO TO FUCKING SLEEP's still around is because the cat motherfucker thinks he's human, which if he looks at a mirror, he'll just call himself a retard.
Turns out, UmChin basically ass-raped one of Generic's friends and forced like a student named Nobody Cares to spread your criminal record. You go see UmChin and he's like, gonna expel you in like a few weeks. So, you go to his Palace and Generic shows up and GO TO FUCKING SLEEP immediately gets a boner. She get her Stand also, who is Carmen Sandiego and they run the fuck outta there.
They start going in the sex castle until they reach the end and the Treasure is a freaking blob of space-time shit. GO TO FUCKING SLEEP tells you gotta announce you're gonna steal UmChin's shit to the real UmChin so the real Treasure shows up. You do that by calling yourselves the Phantom Thieves of Farts then you go back to the Palace where Shadow UmChin turns into a hentai monster. You beat his shit and go out, he now realizes how much of a shitbag he is and on the day he was gonna get your ass kicked ouy, he shows up and tells everyone all of the shitty stuff he did, including ass-rape. He goes to jail and you're happy.
After that fuckfest, GO TO FUCKING SLEEP shows you the train station is the grind-place where you can do the mind-rape brainwashing to other Shadow the Hedgehogs. You go in and find this Shadow who tells you some old douche named Master Splinter who plagiarizes art (I don't know why a rat needs art but okay). Then Generic is stalked by Squidward, who's conveniently Master Splinter's current apprentice. He invited you to a museum and then he brags about Bold and Brash, Splinter's greatest work that belongs in the trash. Squidward doesn't say shit about Splinter being a douche, so you go find Splinter's Palace.
You go in and see that Splinter has porno paintings of all of his students. To find out more, Generic has to pose nude for Squidward just open a door that opens a door in the Palace. I am not making that up, that really happened. Generic and Squidward end up in a room and instead of sex, they find a bunch of Bold and Brashes that belong in the trashes in there, along with the real Bold and Brash that still belongs in the trash.
Squidward gets dragged into the Palace after the door opens. Soon Shadow Splinter shows up and tells Squidward that he's been nothing but a piece of shit to him and something about killing his mom or something. So Squidward summons Josuke Higashikata with a giant cigarette and beats the shit out of Shadow the Hedgehog. Squidward joins your group after, not into nudes anymore.
You go deep in and send the Calling Card and try to run away. Turns out what you stole was a fucking fake and that Bold and Brash that belongs in the trash was Squidward's mom's painting actually, and Splinter took it when she died doing dubstep forever. You beat the shit outta Splinter who says there is a guy who wears a black mask running around, but you don't mind this and take the freaking painting and hitch it. Soon, the real Splinter tells everyone he stole shit.
After Teenage Mutant Ninja Disaster, you gotta find your next target. Your school's principal, Captain Underpants looks for the Phantom Thieves and calls for Mad Max look for them. You go on a field trip where you're stuck in a crappy TV set (hopefully, it doesn't have a fog) where they're interviewing a pretty boy detective who is Light Yagami with a dark affixation for pancakes (we'll call him Doofenshmirtz). So Doofenshmirtz tells everyone he wants the Phantom Thieves fucked over and for some reason, you and him become friends.
Soon, Mad Max finally records a conversation of you guys saying you're Phantom Thieves. She basically blackmails you, saying she'll give this to the police if they don't stop a crime ring who's fucking your school over. You find out the leader is Jabba the Hut and Mad Max decides to fucking go up to him and now you're all fucked because he's gonna post porno pics of you. You go in his Palace and find out it's the entirety of this shithole of a city and he's in a flying bank. You go in and he's like gonna fuck Mad Max's sister—Miles Edgeworth from the beginning of the game. But then Mad Max rips her face off and becomes Ghost Rider and you all fuck off outta there.
With Mad Max on your team, you go screw Jabba like all the others but he tells you that the Black Ranger motherfucker is still running around. His real self confesses and it fucks up his crime ring and Mad Max tells Captain Underpants she didn't find shit.
Soon, Japan's summer vacation comes in and some Anonymous member decides to yell about how they're gonna rape this country. Soon, our heroes get email from this Allahkuhbar person who says they know they're Phantom Thieves and she's gonna tell shit unless they steal the heart and fart of some girl named Squid Kid. You find out Squid Kid and Coffee Dad have the same last name, so you try to talk to Coffee Dad who doesn't tell you like hooker hiding her breast size. You now think Allahkuhbar and Squid Kid are the same fuckers.
Then Edgeworth shows up at the Rabbit House, saying she'll fuck up Coffee Dad's parent rights or some legal shit like that. You break into Coffee Dad's house and Squid Kid shows up and molests Mad Max. Coffee Dad tells you Squid Kid's real mom actually decided to be a GTA NPC and got run the fuck over. He adopted the fucker and now she's stuck in her room, watching hentai.
You go find out her Palace is made from her emo-teen feelings and it's Assassin's Creed Origins. You got see how emo she's become and you go get her Treasure, suddenly jer mom is the boss instead. Then Shadow Squid Kid shows up and Squid Kid goes in her own Palace, then Shadow the Hedgehog reminds Squid Kid mom was actually fucked over by some assholes. This makes Squid Kid summon her Stand, the star on Ancient Aliens and you fuck up GTA NPC and the ghost of GTA NPC shows up and tells Squid Kid she's a fuckboi.
So, Squid Kid's our new party member and knows that the assholes who fucked mom over are still out there. Turns out she was Anonymous then trolls of 4chan decided to use her name, so she became Allahkuhbar: cyber terrorist. She fucks up the fake Allahkuhbar and you guys go see a swimsuit episode.
At the end of school, you go to Lilo and Stitch where you get even more of the swimsuit episode. Meanwhile, Captain Underpants got run the fuck over and died GTA-style. You go steal some shit from Edgeworth and find out you're being hunted by the lawyer. Shirobutthole and GO TO FUCKING SLEEP fight for a stupid reason and the cat-fuck goes AWOL. You're next target is Mr. Krabs who's fucking his employees, (not including Squidward) and you all think he's the guy who's making everyone have seizures.
You go in Krabs' Palace and find out it's the Death Star. Turns out GO TO FUCKING SLEEP is there also along with a new Stand user, Psycho Sheep. Psycho Sheep is actually Mr. Krabs' kid who has to marry this creepy motherfucker. Sheep helps you're team get back the fuck together and her Stand gets superpowered. You steal shit like normally and everything's fine.
Except everything isn't fine. While you run away, Krabs gets shot by the Black Ranger. While your friends go to Disneyland, you see on TV that Krabs has a heart attack before he can say shit on who's causing the seizures.
You realize how fucked you are. Everyone hates you for killing Krabs and during a festival, Doofenshmirtz shows up and has evidence of you guys when you ran away from Krabs's Palace. He blackmails you (gee, is this familiar), saying that you gotta steal Edgeworth's shit from her Palace to stop her from making up shit to arrest you. He also tells you this is gonna be the last fight and you all gotta break up afterward.
You agree and go to Edgeworth's Palace where it's Las Vegas, from the beginning of the game! Doofenshmirtz uses the Disney version of Robin Hood as a Stand and you guys steal Edgeworth's shit. And like the beginning of the game, you get arrested trying to run out while your friends pussy out.
Your drugs start wearing off in real time and you tell that Edgeworth has to take his phone and show it to Doofenshmirtz. Doofenshmirtz turns out to be the fucker who betrayed you and kills the guard and then shoot you in the fucking face. Turns out Doof is working with Pitbull, the next president-minister or some shit.
You being dead is now on TV but it turns out you ain't dead! Because Edgeworth showed the phone to Doof, he killed a fake version of yourself and you play dead until you get shoved back into the Rabbit House.
You always knew that Doof was a fucking liar because he talked about pancakes when nobody but GO TO FUCKING SLEEP was talking about it at the time. Squid Kid joins Spy Kids and hears Doof's phone and they now know he's working with Pitbull over the sex hotline. Edgeworth makes sure everyones still thinks you're dead and it's time to take on Pitbull. You then remember Pitbull was the one who put you in jail in the first place, so it's personal.
You go in and find out his Palace is the Titanic, so it's time to sink it. You learn that Pitbull's been fucking you even when you became a robber! He was working with Captain Underpants to find you robbers, he funded Splinter selling fake Bold and Brashes that belong in trashes and Jabba's slave ring, was the guy who sent Anonymous, even Mr. Krabs was with him but Pitbull killed Krabs to shut him the fuck up. I never thought I would ever write that sentence, Pitbull killing Mr. Krabs to shut him the fuck up.
After going in a bit more, Doof shows up (turns out he's Pitbull's bastard with daddy issues) and has a second Stand: Loki from the Avenger movie. Calling it now; the P5 fighting game will be called Persona 5: Ragnarok. Okay, so you beat him up and then he turns into the Black Ranger and you beat him up again. After that, a fake Doof shows up to kill them all but Doof presses the self-destruct button and traps himself with other Doof who shoots Doof in the fucking face. Karma.
You send your Calling Card by hacking the TVs across the nation and showing your special porno on it thanks to Squid Kid. It's time to fight Shadow Pitbull who turns into Hitler then into Senator Armstrong. You beat him and the real Pitbull takes drugs to suicide his brain to kill you. You run away and you brainwash Pitbull to not release his new hit single monstrosity. When the elections are done, Pitbull confesses and his evil allies decide to go take over the country without him.
The next few days, Pitbull's stuck in the mental institution but everyone still likes that bald bitch for no reason. You find out you might get rearrested soon, so you go to the grind-place to fix the problem but it will be your last job since everything's connected to that place. Later, Gru shows up and molests you in your sleep, saying you've fucking failed a game known as Persona 5. Bummer.
Next day, you go in and deep inside, you find the entire place turned into the Shawshank Redemption except that everyone wants to stay in prison instead of breaking out which includes everyone you took down (except Mr. Krabs cause he's dead and shit). You go in deeper and turns out GO TO FUCKING SLEEP was born in this shithole.
You go into the center and find that the thing you gotta steal is Monty Python and the literally Holy Grail. Suddenly it turns into a boss and everyone in prison worships it and heals it like a bunch of idiots. The cup suddenly talks and kicks you outta the place and you see that grind-place and the real world fused into hell and now nobody believes you exist. You and your friends suddenly disintegrate and you die. Game Over. That's it, story's done. Good night.
Just kidding! You're back in Gru's room and he still tells you it's Game Over and you're gonna get raped by Jail Bait Twins but soon they remember they're not two lolis but one loli. They go cut off their heads and turns into Loli in Wonderland. Turns out Gru was not Gru but Monty Python and the literal Holy Grail! Holy Cup runs away and the real Gru shows up. You get your friends who are stuck in the same room and you show up in front of real Gru.
Gru tells you Holy Cup cut Loli in half and put him in jail and made this shitty D&D campaign where if Doof would have won, you'd all be fucking dead. Good thing you're the one who lets everyone live! Holy Cup was made from everyone being law-fags in SMT and that Gru made GO TO FUCKING SLEEP so he could help you. You then go out and everyone remembers you and you charge towards the Holy Cup.
While you go up, everyone down below goes into a panic after seeing hell is everywhere and start disintegrating like you. You head up and fight the Holy Cup and it turns into its true form: the guy who wants to control everyone, CORY IN THE HOUSE! DUN DUN DUN!
Cory beats the living shit outta you in the end but everyone in the city decide to be fucking grateful for once and cheer you on which gives you super powers. You then summon the ultimate Stand: SATAN WITH A FUCKING GUN. You headshot Cory and end his reign of damn terror.
With Cory dead, everything begins to turn back to normal where nobody would remember shit but GO TO FUCKING SLEEP disappears too but tells you some shit about believing in yourself or something until you get cyberbullied by assholes you hang out with because you're lonely and desperate. The cat-shit vanishes and you're sad he's gone.
Good.
Everyone now sees Pitbull's an asshole and you celebrate on Christmas which you forgot existed. But Edgeworth tells you that you gotta tell the police Pitbull's crimes so you can catch him and his asshole friends and to protect your shitty friends but that'll get your ass in jail. You agree and after spending one more night, you go to the police and you get sent to juvie as the main character in Orange is the New Black's spinoff: Joker's gonna become Blue and Black.
Soon after new years, your friends and whoever you helped out (I ain't making a summary for their fucking stories) try to get court to let you the fuck out. You have one more dream where Gru and Loli give you ZA WARUDO as a way to say, "You got the real ending, bitch!"
Soon before Valentine's day, they find the lady who ditched your little ass om the night you got fucked over and Pitbull's going to jail now, so you're free because they say you're innocent! Edgeworth then becomes Phoenix Wright and you go back to the Rabbit House with Coffee Dad.
You have a party there with your friends and suddenly GO TO FUCKING SLEEP shows up as a real cat because nobody forgot him, so it's basically you're fault he's back. He says he'll stay by your side and try to find away to have a human body and grow a penis. FUCK!
After a few weeks and getting your shit pushed in on Valentine's Day if you cheated on anyone, you say goodbye to the people you made friends with. You and your friends decide to go on a road trip like the original Ben 10, fuck school. After wrecking some Men in Black who were spying on you, you're now free to go on your trip to Spinoff Land, where all Persona characters besides from 1 and 2 go to.
And here comes the credits. Wait for the shitty anime made by A-1 fuck you Pictures and hope for an epilogue DLC called Persona 5: Crimson Running Down My Legs. Now here's your spinoffs for more adventures with Mamma Mia, GO TO FUCKING SLEEP, Shirobutthole, Generic, Squidward, Mad Max, Squid Kid, Sheep, and maybe even Doof comes back through necromancy because ATLUS won't let him die.
You get Persona 5: Milking All Night, Persona Q2: The Search For Persona 6, Persona 5 Arena: Ragnarok, Persona 5 X Final Fantasy: Because Kingdom Hearts Wasn't Confusing Enough, Persona 5: The Pornhub Adaption, Persona 5 Arena: JoJo's Bizarre Crossover, Persona 5: The Crimson Running Down My Legs Animation (it won't be pretty); and one last one to end it all, Guilty Gear + Persona 5 + Yuri on Ice + Teletubbies in Guilty Gear CrossTag Battle: DLC Extravaganza.
Shut up and take my money, ATLUS!