Note: yes, this looks like the revamp of the first chapter of The Phoenix Amend, but it's not the same. Since this fic takes place in that universe, narrating the story of the Jean who didn't travel to the other universe, I took a few paragraphs from The Phoenix Amend in the places they coincided, but except for the first four, I edited them as well, so this fic has a lot of new material which takes the story down a different path and explores the other "what if".
Disclaimers: I don't own any X-men characters. I don't even know who does now that Disney bought Marvel! Whatever, just don't sue me. I'm not doing this for the money or I'd be poorer than I already am.
Forever Young
In Winchester, New York, a red-haired woman entered her modest room at the Institute for Gifted Youngsters without even bothering to turn on the lights, and sat on her bed. The pale moonlight coming in through the window lit her face, making the tears rolling down her cheeks look like small round pearls.
The relationship with her husband had really deteriorated since he had been posessed by Apocalypse. Scott had transformed into a completely different person. He had become cold and distant, so they had started arguing too often and then just stopped spending time together until she moved to a different room near the end of their marriage.
Lying in bed for hours night after night with her eyes wide open, thinking about what could have been but wasn't, just staring at the shadows the tree by her window casted on the ceiling when the wind shook its leaves. That was her routine now, her every waken moment spent trying to figure out what it was exactly that she had done wrong to deserve Scott's indifference. Then came a few hours of restless sleep, where Scott and Emma lived happily ever after in her nightmares and he turned into the very evil they had fought to destroy for so long.
Light. Darkness. Fire, consuming fire. Light. Darkness. Fire, oh the fire! Life. Death. Rebirth. Life again and then death, and the fire... that fire that consumed it all with the strength of a thousand suns and a will of its own, taking over her life and everything precious to her with it. It was a horrible cycle, a cicrle, and everybody knows a circle has no end. Destined to linger between life and death forever. That was her fate.
Resurrected against her will. She had to admit, that was a new one. A pretty creative torture, even for the resourceful Phoenix... and then she had to die again, but not just any death. It was the most horrible death she could possibly imagine. Murdered by the ones she loved, once, twice, three times... forever.
It seemed to be a torture reserved only for the ones she held dearest. Was it because there was no one else capable of doing the dirty job? No. The Shi'ar and a bunch of other people were willing to put an end to her suffering. This was something else. Nobody dared to put the rabid dog down, except for those who knew its suffeing. Yes. That was why. She had wished for death, begged for it so many times. She wanted to die. She wanted it so bad it hurt. Every single cell in her body craved for death, definite death. Eternal death.
People at the Mansion was tired of her constant appearances and disappearances. They wouldn't admit it, of course, but she didn't need to read their minds to notice the way they looked at her. Even those who used to enjoy spending time in her company such as Hank and Ororo were now reluctanct to be left alone with her. It was as if they feared she would go bersek without a reason and wreak havoc in the entire world... She felt the Phoenix relatively under control inside her, but she had to admit they sort of did have a point. After all, as long as the entity possessed her, that was the best case scenario
Jean sighed. She remembered when they were younger. When Scott and her were happy together and spent long hours chatting and laughing with Hank, Bobby and Warren. They had gone through countless training sessions at the Danger Room together and then she'd go to her room and continue to practice her telekinetic exercises with a wooden board and a yarn.
She had met Ororo some years later and a powerful sisterly love was born between them. In a matter of months, the former thiefette had become her confident, always giving the perfect advice and making wonderful suggestions. Jean had seen her bloom like the plants and flowers she loved so much to care for and felt proud of the transformation that took place in her friend. A pang of pain reminded her just how much she missed spending time with Ro, as she used to call her.
Among her special memories, there were also a lot of fishing trips with Logan. That used to make Scott incredibly jealous and he would stay in a bad mood for many days after they came back, but Jean had always been faithful to him and being a telepath allowed her to prove it, so he had no way of winning those arguments.
The best part of those trips had been observing Logan turn into a better tempered man in her presence. He had always become a different person when they wrere alone, a man actually fun to be around. She had even gotten him to open up to her a couple of times and, in those ocasions, he had told Jean things she would have never imagined about his life.
Of all the people she knew, Logan was the one whose thoughts Jean respected the most. Although, the primary reason for staying out of his mind was fear for what she might find in there, but despite his problematic side, Jean had to admit that she had really enjoyed spending time alone with him during their little fishing trips.
Talking about Logan, he seemed to be the only one truly happy to have her back at the Mansion. That was somehow reassuring but resulted on her spending much more time with him than was sensible, considering the way she knew he felt about her. Objectively speaking, it wasn't about the actual amount of time Jean spent in his company, but the fact that she didn't seem to intereact with anyone else. When she wasn'thelping him around the Mansion, she spent most of her day hiding in her room, pretending to be invisible to avoid upsetting Scott or Emma. Her life was misearble enough without them making her feel their lives were easier when she was just dead.
Around two thirty in the morning, Jean completely gave up on sleeping and got out of bed. Insomnia-striken and completely exhausted both physically and emotionally, she wandered around the house in the darkness. There was no need to turn the lights on. She knew the path to the kitchens by heart.
A glass of warm milk later, she still felt restless. Some nights, it was easier to trick herself to sleep. There were also nights like that, of course, where nothing seemed to work, no matter what she tried. She was tired of being mistrusted, feared, rejected, but above all things, she was tired of being tired. The lack of a social life and the lack of sleep made a horrible combination that had her constantly feling either about to give in to blind rage or on the berge of tears.
Ever since she had come back, the Phoenix had been dormant inside her, behaving, apparently harmless, but always waiting. She knew there was a possibility of it waking up and taking control once again if she failed to keep her emotions at check so the trick was not letting them run wild. Luckily for everyone, she had always the calm type, not at all prone to the kind of extreme emotions and excitement that the Phoenix craved.
Even though Jean hated being so mentally and emotionally unstable, she knew that her hormones weren't to blame and that there was nothing she could do to avoid being such an emotional wreck. It was the Phonix trying to trick her into making a faux pas. They both knew that if it kept throwing mood swings at her, she'd eventually lost control and let the Phoenix take over, but Jean also knew that the fate of the world and maybe even the universe rested on her ability to avoid losing her temper and that gave her the strength to keep fighting.
However, she found it more and more difficult to remain calm each time Emma mistreated her out of jealousy or Scott pretended she didn't existed. When she had pictured them together, she had never imagined Scott would turn into such an asshole under her influence, the same way he had turned into a merciful man under hers. The pain Scott caused her every day because of the choice she had made to protect him was collateral damage but that didn't mean it didn't hurt.
In order not to lose her temper, Jean knew she needed to find a way to balance her life as soon as possible. The good things in her life were greatly outnumbered by the bad at the moment and even the better tempered person in the world would end up eventually blowing up under the wrong conditions. She needed to find a way to make herself happy before stress took the best of her.
She had tried picking up new hobbies, getting a part time job teaching at the institute and even getting a pet, but nothing seemed to work. Night after night, she kept on thinking about Scott and that made her miserable, and Jean had to admit that seeing him with Emma every day didn't help either.
So far, she had been the leader's wife, the team's friend, the Professor's helper and many other things. In other words, her life's purpose has always been based on what others needed from her, not on her own needs. Jean needed to give her life a purpose of its own and make it enjoyable rather than just bearable., but how to do so when Scott was being indifferent to her and her friends didn't want to be in the same room alone?
Everything she could think of, she had already tried. Well, almost everything... There was still this one little thing she hadn't tried yet, but she feared that almost as much as she feared the Phoenix taking over. The idea had been in her mind for years, even before she became one with the powerful entity, but it had been marked as taboo for so long, she wouldn't even know where to start thinking about it. The mere concept made her feel guilty, even if she didn't have a reason to feel that way anymore.
Jean wasn't one to try new things and the very idea of doing something unusual scared the hell out of her. However, her self preservation instinct kept forcing her to try to find a way ouf of that hell and, before she realized what she was doing, Jean was halfway through the corridor.
The knocking had been so soft, she wasn't sure he would hear it and yet, a moment later, he opened the door. Sleepy, unshaven and beyond surprised, Logan blinked at the implausible image that was Jean Grey standing at his door at three in the morning, wearing only a green gauzy night gown and a pair of pink slippers.
"Can I come in?" She asked in a barely audible, shaky voice. He had been dreaming of that moment for years but now that it had finally come, Logan found his mouth dry and his mind completely blank. That couldn't be happening. This is obviously dreaming, he told himself. She awaited for his reply, looking as scared as a weathered cat and feeling more and more discouraged with every passing second. "Logan?" Jean whispered fearing he would get mad at her. She dared look at him and searched his face for any sign of anger but found none. He was looking at her with an expression she had never seen him in her life. Was he feeling... vulnerable?
As he didn't react, Jean prepared to leave and moved to do so when Logan, still at a loss of words, opened his door a little wider hoping she would take the hint. Without a second's hesitation, Jean walked by him and entered the room. It wasn't a moment of bravery. She just feared that, given the time to think about it, he wouldn't let her in.
Jean stood in the middle of the room, not daring to sit on his bed for fear of invading his privacy. However, her curiosity was greater than her fear and she took a subtle look around. The place looked rather impersonal, except for an old framed picture where they stood together, smiling to the camera as good friends… friends, and now she was walking into his room in the middle of the night. What would he make of it? Most importantly, what were her own intentions when deciding to knock at his door at such an ungodly hour?
Logan closed the door and turned around to face Jean. She looked so lost. He hated seeing her like this and, as usual, blamed Scott for it, although he couldn't think about him for too long. Her floral scent invaded the room, preventing his neurones from working properly.
He tried with all his might to remain calm despite the fact that his heart was pounding loudly inside his chest. "Everythin all right, Jeannine?" Stupid question, Logan told himself after hearing his voice ask it. She was so obviously not all right. "Make yourself comfortable" He offered his only chair with a gesture of the hand and sat at the edge of his bed. Jean nodded and sat beside him on the bed, looking at her hands. They just sat in silence for a while, but it was Logan who finally broke it.
"Did you and the boy scout had an argument?" He asked trying to figure out what was wrong with her. Jean shook her head, looking at nothing in particular for a while. "Has Emma been showin you nasty things again?" He tried next, his jaw tightening at the idea of that woman being cruel with his Jeannie. "Thank God, no!" Jean said sincerely, raising her voice a little. Having to see her husband with another woman everyday was bad enough without said woman telepathically showing her images of their private moments under the covers. "We settled that score a couple of weeks ago," she explained with a weak strained smile.
"Ooh, a telepathic cat fight. I wish I had been there. Must have been priceless," he joked with a little smile, managing to steal a sincere smile from her as well. She glanced at him for a moment and then focused on her hands again.
"I bet you kicked her ass," Logan said hoping that concentrating on the good stuff would eventually cheer her up. An amusent smile danced on Jean's lips for a moment before she looked at him. "As a matter of fact, I think I did," she admitted visibly satisfyed with herself "Well, that explains why she has been so bitchy lately," he confessed. "I thought she was just premenstrual."
The comment got an ernest laugh out of Jean. "Logan!" She complained bumping his shoulder with her own as punishment, but clearly enjoying his contribution. "What!" He defended himself pretending to be innocent for the game's sake and at the same time, pleased to see her acting a bit like her usual self, if even for a moment.
You're amazing, she thought appreciating the fact that he couldn't read minds, I've spent months feeling depressed and you just say three silly things and have me laughing like there's nothing to worry about.
Then, Jean rested her head on his shoulder and sighed as her laugh subsided. Logan could feel the atmosphere getting gloomy again, but he sat completely still, not daring to look at her and barely daring to breathe, afraid of doing something that might make her get away from him.
"What's wrong, Jeannie?" He asked her after a long silence, when he finally convinced himself that she wouldn't run away if he talked. She remained silent for a moment and then spoke. "I'm the one who pushed Emma and Scott together," she confessed. He was surprised but didn't say anything. Jean needed him to listen, so he listened. "She had liked him for a while, so I've tampered with his mind to make him fall for her as well."
"Are you havin second thoughts about it?" She shook her head. "I figured it was the best thing to do." Jean said, wondering if telling Logan was a good idea after all, but who else could she talk about that with? "This death and rebirth circle is never gonna end and he deserves better... and still... I had no right to take away his free will. Does that make me a terrible person?" She asked in a concerned, vulnerable tone that made him want to take her in his arms and never let go. It made him want to fix the world or whatever it took to stop her suffering, even if it meant getting hurt himself. Why else would he have stayed by her side as her friend all those years while she was married to Scott? He was determined to become whatever he needed of him. That was his tribute to her, his way of manifesting the love he felt for her since the very beginning.
"No." He replied, thinking of the times she had been out of control, posessed by the Dark Phoenix. He remembered her suffering, the way she begged to be killed, to have someone put an end to her suffering. It had broken his heart every time, but he had always done what was best for her, even if it brought him pain. That's what it means to love, he thought. "It makes you a good wife." He finally said, his gaze fixed in the furniture in front of him as he often did when they talked about her problems with Scott.
"Jean placed a hand on his arm, her head still resting on his shoulder. "I'm so exhausted, Logan," she complained as a single tear rolled down her cheek into his shoulder. He was aware of that but couldn't think of a way to make her feel better, so he just listened. "...so tired of going through this over and over again..." Jean bit her lip for a moment, "I just don't know what to do with my life anymore... I sometimes think that not coming back would have been better for everyone." She confessed.
"Never," he disagreed looking at her with a frown. "There's people here who still need you, Red." He told her saddened to hear Jean talk in such a pesimistic way.
She made an unconvinced sound. "What about Rachel?" "She has her father..." Jean said tiredly. The topic was too painful for her and at the same time, she knew she needed to talk about it sometime. "Well, it's clearly not enough for her," he stated. "you haven't heard her cry herself to sleep, callin your name every night for months after you were gone." Jean sighed and ran a hand through her face as if to clear her mind.
"She needs stability in her life..." "She needs you in her life," he disagreed. "Logan, what can I offer to her when I keep disappearing for months at a time? How can I choose to willingly put her though the same pain Scott had to endure?" "You think not having a mother will make her happy?" That left her speechless for a while and she looked even more discouraged than before. Logan felt sorry about having to open up her wound again, but he also knew there was no other way to take out the poison. Jean knew this as well and allowed him to continue, aware that nobody would handle her more carefully than him.
"I don't know what I think anymore," she confessed. "I know you're right, but everyone else is moving on and I'm just stuck in the past." The idea that the path ahead of her was identical to the one she had just left behind made Jean feel miserable. "That's your problem. You don't let go of the past." He told her. "Things have changed, Red. It's time you stop worryin so much about other people and start thinkin about yourself"
"I try Logan. I swear I try, but what do you think will happen twenty years from now, when I look younger than her?" He seemed surprised that she thought about that of all things. Only a woman would think about that, he thought. "How can I have a normal life when I've been twenty six for the past fifteen years?" she said in a desperate tone that broke his heart.
He thought about it for a while before speaking. "I'm sorry, Red. I can't help you this time. I've been lookin for that answer myself for almost a century," he confessed. She met his gaze in amazement and then looked away and remained silent for a really long time.
"I thought you had given up on having a normal life," she finally said with a half smile, attempting to make a joke. He smiled at her. "I just do whatever feels good." "You mean like living in a place that makes you feel caged and is full of people who gets on your nerves?" She asked with an amused smile. "Yeah, like that." He said with a grin on his face.
"I like it here," he confessed after another long silence. She was still resting her head on his shoulder, distractedly tracing patterns on his arm with her finger. "I know," she replied with a small smile that he returned.
Jean closed her eyes and dozed off for a moment, her sleepless nights finally starting to take a toll. "Logan?" She asked after a while, when she surfaced to consciousness. "Huh?" "Do you think we'll ever find the answer to that question?" she asked slowly, her brain about to cross the treshold between awake and asleep.
"We can try," he said in a low voice, so he wouldn't wake her up too much. "Get some sleep, Red. You certainly deserve it," he told her helping her get comfortable in his bed.
Hours later, the sky began getting clearer as dawn approached and Jean woke up startled. There was someone else with them in the room, a presence. She could see the blinding light even with her eyes closed and was also able to feel it growing stronger inside her. It was the Phoenix. She knew that and instinctively looked for Logan, who was fast asleep on his chair with his head against the wall. The Phoenix and her were all alone and no one would come to aid her.
"Jean Grey, I am the entity called Phoenix," the legendary bird told her. Tell me something I don't know, Jean thought. I'm your freakin host for dog's sake!
"I'm already serving you as host. What do you want?" Jean asked angrily as she knelt on bed, jer arms crossed defiantly. It wasn't everyday that she got a chance to talk to the 'person' responsible for her life being a complete mess.
"I come from a different time," it explained as if that would make everything clear for her. "Good for you. What do you want?" She repeated spitefully. "You have taken the right decision Jean Grey. You have chosen to let go of what cannot be," the fire bird continued to talk in a monotonous voice, indifferent to her hostility. "The human you call Logan is the smart partner choice, for he cannot die nor age and, in a way, neither can you for as long as I need you."
"If you've come here to give me sentimental advice…" she started to say in a warning voice, but the entity interrupted. "I've come here to make you an offer. I can see that I've done much damage to you by choosing this body as vessel." Jean felt like jumping on the Phoenix and make it pay for all the pain, but she knew it would be useless. "I'm listening," she said instead, her arms still crossed and her brow furrowed.
"I can't change what must be, but I can destroy and I can create. I can create a different universe for you, Jean Grey, as a way to compensate for all the grief I've put you through. I can give you a second chance to live your life with the mortal Scott Summers as it would have been if I hadn't interferred with the natural course of events." Jean was speechless.
"Your life in this reality will continue as if nothing had happend, but you would know that somewhere in another time and space, you got a second chance at a normal life. Does this atone for all the damage I've done to you, Jean Grey?" the bird asked blinking calmly, glowing like a fire ghost in the middle of the darkness. The first words that came to her mind were 'not even close', but Jean thought about it for a moment, then said "It could..." although she wasn't really sure about it, but what other choice did she have? Knowing that things were different in an alternate universe wasn't too comforting if you had to keep living in the same place as always, but it was surely better than the alternative. Right?
"Can… can you make me forget Scott?" she asked with difficulty, a knot in her throat preventing her from talking freely as her eyes quickly teared up. "Indiference will come in time, yes, but not by my hand. Go back to sleep now, Jean Grey. Goodbye," the bird said before it disappeared in a blinding fireball, leaving a sepulcral silence behind. "Yeah, like I'm gonna be able to sleep now," Jean whispered as she sat on the matress feeling like a neurotic mess again.