The Power of PowerPoints

Ketti: I know, I know, this isn't an update for an already posted story. So sue me. Or don't, I don't have any money. In any case, I'm 90% sure this was JuJu's idea. I think. Neither of us knows anymore. We do that, sometimes, where we throw ideas at eachother until we forget who came up with what part.

Seras' PowerPoint

Seras Victoria was boiling mad as she stormed into the rec room and snarled at the soldier playing Candy Crush. He paled and hurriedly signed off, bolting out of the room in the face of the Draculina's wrath. Mollified just slightly, the blonde plopped herself down and furiously searched through the computer's programs until she pulled up power point.

Yesss…

An hour later there was an unofficial meeting called of the soldiers, and as the Wild Geese piled into the room, a few of them were unnerved to find Alucard lounging on the couch like a cushion hogging bastard. Seras was standing in front of the projector screen looking stern and utterly adorable. "Everyone find a seat!" She barked, slapping the wall with a ruler she found in one of the desks, "This is a mandatory sensitivity training session-" the men all started to laugh uproariously and she shrieked, stamping her foot, "I mean it! If any of you break these new rules I'm going to punch you right in the face!"

"But I thought this was sensitivity training," one of the Geese smirked, "Use your words and all that?"

Seras bared her teeth and raised her clenched fist threateningly, "That's why we're having this training session so none of you needs to explain to Sir Integra why you've got a dislocated jaw!"

"Meow, Commander."

"Kitty has claws," one of them crowed, much to the enjoyment of the gathered troops as they laughed louder.

Seras' grin widened to manic proportions as she brandished the black claws from the split fingertips of her gloves, "And I'm not afraid to use them, either, George!"

The Geese quieted then, eyeing her a tad warily as she cleared her throat and straightened, turning to the projector to put on the first slide.

'Hellsing's Guide To Survival;

Do Not Sexually Harass The Vampire'

Alucard chortled, and leered at his fledgling, "Not including me in your little presentation, Police Girl? I'm hurt, I thought this was about equal treatment." He mocked her mercilessly, and dared her to use the ruler in her hands to smack him, as she so dearly wanted to. Gracing him with a withering stare, she turned her head and sniffed, "Well, Master, since you're so concerned about being accosted, you can make your own power point."

The Geese laughed nervously, the few newly recruited soldiers giving the red clad vampire a sidelong glance.

Alucard laughed.

Seras smacked the wall a second time and clicked the button to get the slide show of friendly reminder rules over with.

1-Do not lick the vampire's face.

There was a moment of awkward silence before the soldiers burst out into near hysterical laughter, and Seras' hair puffed up like a kitten trying to look bigger as she hissed at them. Alucard looked as if he were about to say something, and the fledgling shrieked, "Or anywhere else! No licking period, damnit!"

The look he gave her over his amber lenses made her flush in mortification and she hurriedly clicked to the next rule.

2-Absolutely no smacking the vampire's bum. Bloody perverts.

A few of the Geese actually fell on the floor, clutching their stomachs as tears rolled down their cheeks. "But you've got such a nice one, Commander!"

"Well keep your hands to yourselves!" Seras shrieked, cheeks burning as bright as her crimson eyes, "Or I might need to start a collection." There was an ominous light in her eyes, and some of the men eyed eachother, wondering if Sir Integra would really let her get away with it.

3-Do not attempt to kiss the vampire.

"She means you, Captain!" Someone, possibly George howled, as the men busted up again. Pip just sat there – on the other side of the couch from the crimson fucker – looking smug. Seras huffed, arms crossed over her generous bust.

4-Stop reading the vampire's papers over her shoulder. Bloody tall bastards.

Everyone cracked up over that, and Alucard leered at her suggestively, which she tried valiantly to ignore. "I'm not that short!" She squawked in protest, "So stop it, damnit!"

5-The vampire is not playing rugby while walking down the halls. So stop with the tackling already.

"But Commander!"

"You make a very comfortable landing pad."

"Don't you want to play with us?"

"I wouldn't mind landing in her lap."

The laughter reached near deafening proportions as the eternally red faced Draculina shrieked and brandished her ruler at them, "Next time one of you tries it, I'm going to learn how to phase, and you'll hit the wall face first!"

Alucard snorted, "Oh, really? I'd like to see you learn split second intangibility, Police Girl."

Turning her back on him with an insulted expression, she skipped to the next slide, muttering under her breath.

6-Do not trip the vampire down the steps just to look up her skirt when she lands. It's not funny.

"And what if I do think it's funny?" Alucard challenged, grinning maliciously, "You're like a super ball, always bouncing back."

Seras did try to smack him with the ruler then, and he phased through it so that she stumbled and toppled onto the couch, only to find herself pinned to the cushion by the sudden weight of her Master sitting comfortably on her back. "Master!" She wailed, struggling to get out from under him.

Alucard smirked as he grabbed the remote from her, getting comfortable. "Next."

7-Shower time is Seras Time. Why do I even need to say this?!

"Boring." Alucard drawled as the men snorted and nudged eachother as they eyed Pip meaningfully. Who, again, just sat there smugly. "It was worth it." He sighed happily.

8-No more panty raids. You're not in high school!

At this, one of Seras' regulation cotton panties was thrown in the air to land on the end of the couch, and the Draculina shrieked in outrage as she bucked and writhed beneath the master vampire, trying to reach the indecently displayed underwear, and perhaps break a few faces. The men whooped like school boys and a cheer went up.

9-The vampire is not participating in a wet tee shirt contest. Stop splashing water during missions!

"So that's why you always bring a spare jacket, now, Police Girl?" Alucard murmured, unholy glee in his voice. "And here I thought it was because you didn't like the ghoul blood."

"That too," his fledgling huffed, then rammed her elbow back into his thigh, "Now get loff me, damnit!"

"No, I don't think I will. " Alucard mocked her, quite comfortable on his unwilling cushion.

There was a grumble of discontent from the soldiers as they eyed the vampire enviously. Pip especially glared at the red clad bastard as he monopolized the Draculina.

10-Absolutely under no circumstances do not bite the vampire.

Alucard crowed with manic glee, "But I thought you liked it when I bit you, Police Girl, you always moan so prettily."

Seras screamed in humiliation and threw her Sire off of her back as she snatched the remote from him and turned the projector off. "This meeting's over!"

The blonde ran out of the room to a choire of cat calls and whistles, wishing she'd never thought of this stupid plan in the first place. It backfired so horribly she'd never live it down!

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing watched the security feed with the ghost of a smile battling with her trademark almost-frown, expression hidden by the glare of the screen lighting up her glasses.

"Did you have to humiliate the poor girl so?" Integra asked through the cloud of cigar smoke crowning her blonde head.

"She makes it so easy, Master." Alucard chuckled wickedly, "As I recall it was you who insisted I attend her silly meeting. Having some regrets?"

The Hellsing Heiress shrugged one shoulder noncommittally, "As long as I don't need to pay her therapist bill anytime soon."