p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"em style="box-sizing: border-box;"(Originally written in 2014 as my Secret Santa entry for a href=" "The Silver Eye/a. My prompt was: Noah chopping firewood in the snow.)/em/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;" /p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I hear the racket before I even get to the kitchen. It's a battlefield inside—and I should know, I've learned my fair share about battles. Kids are lined up against every flat surface in this massive kitchen, some on stools and some actually sitting on the counters. Flour covers them hair to toes and everyone seems to be in a contest about who can make the most noise. Give me the Deadwaters over this any day./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Mom stands in the middle of it all, smiling even as she calls commands. No one looking on would suspect she's a recent widow./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Cookies for the patrons!" she says in a sing-song voice. "Who's excited to make cookies for the patrons?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"There's a chorus of huzzahs. I spot Avidan in amongst the orphans, stealing a glob of cookie dough from a bowl while Mom's back is turned. She continues singing the steps—"pat down the flour, put some dough on the counter, roll, roll, roll"—and she doesn't even glance at the doorway. She doesn't see me. She's too busy dabbing flour on the nose of some orphan girl who's perched beside her. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Mother!" I have to roar to be heard over the kids. Some of them flinch away. "The main fire's out /spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"again/emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Well, just put more wood on it," she says, hardly looking at me. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"She's rolling more cookies and half-smiling at that girl and there isn't a shadow under her eyes, there isn't a sign of sleeplessness. I can't sleep anymore. Not since I saw Velvare almost die. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"If Mom hadn't given away every penny we brought in, maybe he never would've left. If she spent a second on me or Idony or just plain practicality, maybe we'd have the staff this place needs and maybe she wouldn't be crawling with orphans in a kitchen that could hold an army of servants. At this rate, I'm not even sure she'll be able to keep this place basically decent when she doesn't have me to do the dirty work. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I can't put more wood on because there isn't any chopped!" I shout across at her. "Everywhere that isn't this hellish room is freezing. Why don't you have someone to manage the fires?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Why pay when you can do it yourself?" She doesn't even look up. "Go chop the wood if you're cold. And don't swear in front of the children." To some of the orphans, she says, "Sarah, don't stand so close to the fire. Melle, what did I tell you about sharing with Avidan? Enel, /spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"stop eating the sugar/emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"." /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"The anger flashes through me. I'm only here for another two weeks before I go back East. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I'm supposed to be on /spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"leave/emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"." Not that it's made much difference to her. I've hardly seen her since I've been home. "Your precious babies are going to be getting into frost-covered beds tonight."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Well, then go take care of it, or stop complaining." She pushes a loose strand of hair back with her arm. "We can't always have everything the way we'd like."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Here's what I'd like: I'd like everyone to just shut up and sit still. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I'd like one of those Christmases where nobody is wearing black bands and nobody has to be grateful for pitying benefactors and nobody makes cookies for a flipping concert on Christmas Eve and nobody has to shout over a herd of orphans to talk to their Mom. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"It hits me, like it does now and then: He's not coming back. He's dead. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Enormous townhouses and orphans stuffed in every corner and the racket of a kitchen full of kids isn't going to change it./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"em style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"He's dead, /emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I think at her, trying to stare a hole into her forehead. /spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"He's dead, he's dead, /emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""He's dead!"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I don't realize I've spoken until it's out of my mouth. I stiffen, hold my breath, wait for her to snap back./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Instead, she says in her singsong voice, "I can't hear you, Noah." She tries to shush some of the orphans in a playful way. They ignore her. With a shrug, she calls, "Go take care of the firewood. And cheer up! It's almost Christmas."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I glance at Enel, the brother no one talks about. His hand is in the sugar again, too busy licking some dough off the counter to notice he's about to flip the jar. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I don't bother to answer. I just turn and leave. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"em style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"He /emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"wasn't a saint. I'm doing my best to not be sentimental about it. I know it happens—to soldiers on the field, to anyone. They die and then everyone's expected to forget who they really were and just replace them with a cleaned-up shadow./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"He wasn't a saint. But I saw his wounds. I saw the way he died. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"The hallway is huge, everything about this new orphanage is huge. Glad to know Velvare could measure our worth—/spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"his/emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;" worth—in bricks and brats. I may be seventeen but I'm not an idiot. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Velvare may have appeased his conscience, but he hasn't protected my family. Not that he ever did. He's trying to buy our forgiveness. By the look on Mom's face, it's working./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Not for me, though. Nothing is going to make me forget. Or forgive./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"The firewood's out back. Slush covers the ground, and I stomp it into puddles as I go. A few new flakes are falling. Everyone's always going on about how snow is clean and makes everything beautiful, rubbish like that. The truth is snow's a lie that leaves cold ugliness. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I throw down a log and grab an ax. For a little while I lose myself to the rhythm of it. Maybe I'm pretending the logs are Velvare, maybe I'm not./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Once my arms start to ache, I take a rest and sneak out one of my cigars. After a long puff or two, I'm starting to feel a little less lousy. The snowfall isn't that bad. Sort of nice to watch. At least it will get rid of the slush for a day or two./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Noah?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I turn. Idony's there, a stick clutched in her hand. I drop the cigar and kick slush over it before I remember she can't see it anyway. Irritated with myself—those things aren't cheap—I snap, "What?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I brought you a cookie from the first batch!" She holds it out proudly. It's covered in frosting and in the shape of a star. I can tell she made it herself because it's about half an inch thick in sprinkles. "Try it!"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Thanks." I take the cookie. It's almost painfully sweet. Not really my thing, but the patrons will like it. I chew and swallow. "It's good."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"She smiles. "You smell sorta like Da."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Don't tell Mother." I'm still not used to the way Idony's eyes try to focus on something just beyond my shoulder, just behind the back of my head, like she can see through me even though she's really not seeing at all. I brush off my clothes, and the sprinkles go flying. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""He doesn't smell like that anymore. Did he stop smoking?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I don't answer. I'm not going to half-lie, like Mom, and say some comforting, misleading thing just to make Idony feel better. Just to make myself feel better./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Look," I say instead, "who cares? We don't need him."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I wish he'd come back."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"She's stupid and little and covered in freckles and blind and I hate that she gets to not know. I hate that Mom gets to shroud Idony in pretending./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I want to smash another log. I want to tell her what he really was, what he did. I want to tell her who Velvare is, what he does. I want to make someone else as angry as I am./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"But she wouldn't get angry, I know. She'd get crushed. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I miss him," she says, picking at the bark on her stick. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"She's sweet and little and covered in freckles and blind and I'm not going to hurt her. She can keep her hope a little longer. I sort of wish I could./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I say, "Yeah, me too."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"My throat scrapes a little. Probably just the cold. Idony leans her head against my leg, and I pat her curly hair, like he used to do. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I guess it's just me now, to remember and carry on. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Me and her./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;" /p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I hear the racket before I even get to the kitchen. It's a battlefield inside—and I should know, I've learned my fair share about battles. Kids are lined up against every flat surface in this massive kitchen, some on stools and some actually sitting on the counters. Flour covers them hair to toes and everyone seems to be in a contest about who can make the most noise. Give me the Deadwaters over this any day./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Mom stands in the middle of it all, smiling even as she calls commands. No one looking on would suspect she's a recent widow./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Cookies for the patrons!" she says in a sing-song voice. "Who's excited to make cookies for the patrons?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"There's a chorus of huzzahs. I spot Avidan in amongst the orphans, stealing a glob of cookie dough from a bowl while Mom's back is turned. She continues singing the steps—"pat down the flour, put some dough on the counter, roll, roll, roll"—and she doesn't even glance at the doorway. She doesn't see me. She's too busy dabbing flour on the nose of some orphan girl who's perched beside her. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Mother!" I have to roar to be heard over the kids. Some of them flinch away. "The main fire's out /spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"again/emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Well, just put more wood on it," she says, hardly looking at me. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"She's rolling more cookies and half-smiling at that girl and there isn't a shadow under her eyes, there isn't a sign of sleeplessness. I can't sleep anymore. Not since I saw Velvare almost die. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"If Mom hadn't given away every penny we brought in, maybe he never would've left. If she spent a second on me or Idony or just plain practicality, maybe we'd have the staff this place needs and maybe she wouldn't be crawling with orphans in a kitchen that could hold an army of servants. At this rate, I'm not even sure she'll be able to keep this place basically decent when she doesn't have me to do the dirty work. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I can't put more wood on because there isn't any chopped!" I shout across at her. "Everywhere that isn't this hellish room is freezing. Why don't you have someone to manage the fires?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Why pay when you can do it yourself?" She doesn't even look up. "Go chop the wood if you're cold. And don't swear in front of the children." To some of the orphans, she says, "Sarah, don't stand so close to the fire. Melle, what did I tell you about sharing with Avidan? Enel, /spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"stop eating the sugar/emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"." /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"The anger flashes through me. I'm only here for another two weeks before I go back East. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I'm supposed to be on /spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"leave/emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"." Not that it's made much difference to her. I've hardly seen her since I've been home. "Your precious babies are going to be getting into frost-covered beds tonight."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Well, then go take care of it, or stop complaining." She pushes a loose strand of hair back with her arm. "We can't always have everything the way we'd like."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Here's what I'd like: I'd like everyone to just shut up and sit still. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I'd like one of those Christmases where nobody is wearing black bands and nobody has to be grateful for pitying benefactors and nobody makes cookies for a flipping concert on Christmas Eve and nobody has to shout over a herd of orphans to talk to their Mom. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"It hits me, like it does now and then: He's not coming back. He's dead. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Enormous townhouses and orphans stuffed in every corner and the racket of a kitchen full of kids isn't going to change it./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"em style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"He's dead, /emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I think at her, trying to stare a hole into her forehead. /spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"He's dead, he's dead, /emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""He's dead!"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I don't realize I've spoken until it's out of my mouth. I stiffen, hold my breath, wait for her to snap back./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Instead, she says in her singsong voice, "I can't hear you, Noah." She tries to shush some of the orphans in a playful way. They ignore her. With a shrug, she calls, "Go take care of the firewood. And cheer up! It's almost Christmas."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I glance at Enel, the brother no one talks about. His hand is in the sugar again, too busy licking some dough off the counter to notice he's about to flip the jar. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I don't bother to answer. I just turn and leave. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"em style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"He /emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"wasn't a saint. I'm doing my best to not be sentimental about it. I know it happens—to soldiers on the field, to anyone. They die and then everyone's expected to forget who they really were and just replace them with a cleaned-up shadow./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"He wasn't a saint. But I saw his wounds. I saw the way he died. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"The hallway is huge, everything about this new orphanage is huge. Glad to know Velvare could measure our worth—/spanem style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"his/emspan style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;" worth—in bricks and brats. I may be seventeen but I'm not an idiot. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Velvare may have appeased his conscience, but he hasn't protected my family. Not that he ever did. He's trying to buy our forgiveness. By the look on Mom's face, it's working./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Not for me, though. Nothing is going to make me forget. Or forgive./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"The firewood's out back. Slush covers the ground, and I stomp it into puddles as I go. A few new flakes are falling. Everyone's always going on about how snow is clean and makes everything beautiful, rubbish like that. The truth is snow's a lie that leaves cold ugliness. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I throw down a log and grab an ax. For a little while I lose myself to the rhythm of it. Maybe I'm pretending the logs are Velvare, maybe I'm not./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Once my arms start to ache, I take a rest and sneak out one of my cigars. After a long puff or two, I'm starting to feel a little less lousy. The snowfall isn't that bad. Sort of nice to watch. At least it will get rid of the slush for a day or two./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Noah?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I turn. Idony's there, a stick clutched in her hand. I drop the cigar and kick slush over it before I remember she can't see it anyway. Irritated with myself—those things aren't cheap—I snap, "What?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I brought you a cookie from the first batch!" She holds it out proudly. It's covered in frosting and in the shape of a star. I can tell she made it herself because it's about half an inch thick in sprinkles. "Try it!"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Thanks." I take the cookie. It's almost painfully sweet. Not really my thing, but the patrons will like it. I chew and swallow. "It's good."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"She smiles. "You smell sorta like Da."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Don't tell Mother." I'm still not used to the way Idony's eyes try to focus on something just beyond my shoulder, just behind the back of my head, like she can see through me even though she's really not seeing at all. I brush off my clothes, and the sprinkles go flying. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""He doesn't smell like that anymore. Did he stop smoking?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I don't answer. I'm not going to half-lie, like Mom, and say some comforting, misleading thing just to make Idony feel better. Just to make myself feel better./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""Look," I say instead, "who cares? We don't need him."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I wish he'd come back."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"She's stupid and little and covered in freckles and blind and I hate that she gets to not know. I hate that Mom gets to shroud Idony in pretending./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I want to smash another log. I want to tell her what he really was, what he did. I want to tell her who Velvare is, what he does. I want to make someone else as angry as I am./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"But she wouldn't get angry, I know. She'd get crushed. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;""I miss him," she says, picking at the bark on her stick. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"She's sweet and little and covered in freckles and blind and I'm not going to hurt her. She can keep her hope a little longer. I sort of wish I could./span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I say, "Yeah, me too."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"My throat scrapes a little. Probably just the cold. Idony leans her head against my leg, and I pat her curly hair, like he used to do. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"I guess it's just me now, to remember and carry on. /span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Montserrat, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 10px; color: #555555; font-size: 14px;"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13px;"Me and her./span/p