"Hey Gamzee?" The timid voice that haunts your every waking hour and every sleeping moment lights on your ears. You cringe, your heart beating harder against your will. Please. You don't know how painful it is to hear you.
"Yeah, bro?" You let your voice slip into its usual lilt, hiding all of the confusion and the pain.
The boy carefully leans himself against the lockers next to yours. Relief washes through you as you see he's being cautious. Ever since his accident, he's had to be very careful not to push himself too hard or risk having a relapse, according to the doctor. But as soon as you recognize the emotion, you bury it deep inside yourself.
He's smiling, that awkward little half-smile. You aren't even sure if he knows he's smiling. Don't you know how hard it is to look at your smile every day?
"I was wondering if you...if you're doing anything? You know, this weekend?"
Every time you blush it chips away at my resolve.
I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
You force yourself to smile. You know you have to tell him that you're busy, you have too much homework, your family is visiting, something. You open your mouth to speak, but the utter disappointment on his face as he sees your answer in your eyes stops you, melts your resolve.
"Not really, Tav. Why, you have something in mind, bro?"
Stop now, before it's too late. You'll only hurt him.
His face lights up, not quite daring to believe you and yet hoping with all his might that you meant what you said.
Don't want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth
"Well, there's a couple movies out that look interesting. Or we could just...get a cup of coffee or something?" His eyes are full of hope, fear, desperation, and the shyness that you first ever noticed about him. That adorable shyness that causes him to stumble over his words, to look at the floor, to blush whenever he talk to you. The shyness that causes your heart to beat a little faster, your head to spin just a bit.
You want to tell him that you'd love to do anything he wanted, because that's the truth. You can't help but feel incomplete when he's not in the room with you, and you can't help but smile in relief when he enters. But you know something he doesn't. You know that all you could possibly do for him would hurt him more than help him. You know that every second he spends with you is a second he is wasting, a second that you are stealing from him.
They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
"Tav, I'd love to see a movie with you." Your heart turns to lead, sinking in yourself and bringing with it all of the regret that you know you will feel, all of the guilt.
His eyes dance with happiness. "Really, Gamzee?! That's great!" His stammering uncertainty is gone, and his smile complete, full of purpose. You close your eyes, already hating yourself for what you have to say.
"But I can't. Sorry, bro." You don't dare to open your eyes, to see the look on his face. He must feel so betrayed, confused, lost. I'm sorry, Tav.
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save that light
"But...why not?" Tavros's voice is deflated, cautious, tinged with disappointment. But worst of all is the feeling you get that he knew all along what you would say. That he knew you were going to break his heart and that he asked you anyway, hoping against all odds that you would say something different.
"I do like you. And I know that you like me." Tavros blushes, but you don't stop. "But I'm gonna be honest with you, bro. I'm not good for you. My life isn't good for you. And I don't want to hurt you. Believe me, Tav, if I thought for one second that I could change, I would. But there's nothing I can do. My life won't change, and I don't want to contaminate you. So please, stop asking."
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
You close your locker too harshly and begin to walk away, only opening your eyes once you know you won't be able to see his face, and that he won't be able to see yours. You don't want him to see the single tear that's making its way down your cheek, leaving the only outward trace of the pain that's ripping you apart.
I can't escape this now...
You hear the sounds of uneven, hurried footsteps behind you. "G-Gamzee, wait." Your heart freezes, and you don't have it in you to run. You stop, still facing away from him.
You feel a hand on your shoulder forcing you to turn. As you stumble awkwardly to face him, you try to formulate what you are going to tell him. What you will have to tell him to convince him to stay away. But your thought train is broken in an instant as he presses his lips against yours.
You stiffen, your eyes widening, but you don't pull away. You can't. His kiss is soft, and the desperation that you saw in his eyes is present there. Besides, you don't want to fight it. You want to let it happen, you want to ignore your protestations, your what-ifs. Slowly, you convince yourself to relax. This feels so...
This feels so right.
Tavros pulls away, blushing more furiously than you have ever seen, eyes once more averted. "I-I'm sorry. But what you said...about being bad for me. I don't believe it. And even if I did, I don't care. I don't. And I-I think you're wrong. Everyone can change if they want to. I don't know what it is you think is wrong with you, but...I know that together, we can fix it. Please, Gamzee?" His eyes lock with yours, and there is something new in them now. All of the old desperation and hope and fear, but a new, dominating force as well. As you study his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes, you realize what it is.
It's determination.
...Unless you show me how
You don't even have to think about your answer. The part of you that had convinced you to ignore your feelings dissolves as you allow a tentative smile to grace your features. Tavros's face lights up.
"Is...is that a yes?"
You nod. "Yeah, Tav. That's a yes."
He pulls you into a tight hug, and you laugh. "Careful, Tav, you'll hurt yourself. You're still recovering, remember?"
He steps away and smiles at you, the smile that has melted your heart for a year, and for the first time you don't have to tell yourself that it's not right.
Tavros's awkwardness returns as he places a hand behind his head. "So, Gamzee. You still up for a movie?"
Your smile widens. "Any day of the week, bro." As you walk through the halls toward the exit, his pace stays even with yours and his hand slips into yours.
And you don't stop it.