Story: I Heart Guts.
Writer: Invader Johnny.
Disclaimer: We all know that Invader Zim belongs to Jhonen Vasquez, I don't own squat!
Plot: Zim thinks he finally understands the horrible holiday that is Valentine's Day, ZAGR.
Author Notes: I guess I should tell to everyone who's in the dark, Jhonen once said that Irkens are capable of love and Melissa Fahn who voices Gaz claims that our favourite scary girl CAN love but she just think she's better than everyone else; so what better way to "celebrate" Valentine's Day than with two people who more likely than not have a strong loathing for the holiday.
... Like every other single person on Earth.
That being said, enjoy the madness.
Knock Knock.
"Stupid wind." Gaz grumbled sleepily "Just what I needed, something else besides Dib's whining voice to annoy me."
Knock Knock Knock Knock.
The pale teenager shifted in her bed, one of her Amber eyes opening in fury, giving her closed window a deadly glare that would most certainly made it run for the hills had it been a living being rather than an inanimate object.
"If I could only doom the wind."
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock.
Gaz lifted her head, immediately picking up that the knocking on the glass had a certain rhythm to it and that it was getting faster and faster the more she waited.
So, reluctantly she was going to have to get up from her bed to find out what was disrupting her sleep.
"I swear, if Dib forgot his keys again looking for Bigfoot or whatever, I won't only leave him outside for the wolves, I'll tear his limbs apart first thing in the morning and then I'll beat him to death with them."
But then, she was beginning to have second thoughts "No wait... Even Dib knows better than to annoy me this late at night... Or is early in the morning? Whatever... The point is, there is no one so incredibly stupid on the planet who would even dare to wake me up."
Swiftly, Gaz moved the purple curtains to able to see what she hopes was only darkness or at most some lost bird, unfortunately... No such luck.
A very distinctive silhouette greeted her and had it not been for two shining Crimson orbs, or the metallic legs coming out of his back then those three finger hands pressing on the glass would've been a dead give away.
"I stand corrected." She growls in annoyance.
Despite the fact that the human was now aware of who was making the noise, Zim still felt the need to tap the window in a pointless effort to have the girl's undivided attention.
Knowing full well that the only way to make the alien shut up was by giving him the time of day (in a matter of speaking) the teenager reluctantly unlocked the window, gesturing Zim to take a step back from the glass but of course he didn't understand (or more likely didn't notice) the hand signal, Gaz didn't care in the end.
So she simply opened her bedroom window, the result? Zim's spider legs lost their balance which made him drop unceremoniously to the hard floor with a Yelp.
"Ow! My superior face!"
Gaz kicked him afterwards "Would you shut up!" She hissed "I don't need you to wake up my brother, the last thing I need is a bigger headache!"
"Ow! My Squeedly Spooch!" Zim yelled louder despite the pain, almost as if he purposely did it to ignore Gaz's orders.
"Zim, I swear." She warned "Shut up or else!"
The Irken slowly got up, using the wall for support "Zim speaking quietly because he wants to, not because you told me to!"
She rolled her eyes "Whatever you say midget."
He narrowed his eyes at that insult, Zim hated the fact that everyone he knew was growing taller than him while he remained the same. "Five years on this dirt ball and the even little Gaz is towering over me! Curse the humans and their growth spurts!"
Ironically such a word as midget didn't exist back on his home world since Irkens hardly used insults when it came to height, considering offensive unless it was to point out they're lack of importance in the Empire.
But the moment he learned that humans cruelly taunted the short individuals with such crude names as midgets or shrimps, for the very first time he understood what it mean to be diminutive.
Unlike on Irk where he was nothing short of the "almighty Zim."
That being said, the Invader stood up to his full height, trying to seem as dignified as possible in front of the only human he (fearfully) respected.
Seeing this, Gaz raised an eyebrow, noticing that Zim gained some centimetres literally in seconds without the need of his spider legs, curiosity got the better of her and decided to look down, just to make sure she wasn't seeing things.
Then she noticed why the alien seemed to have grown.
"Are you... Wearing high heels?"
"Uh... No?"
"Zim, I can see you wearing them." Gaz said Exasperatedly "Do you think I'm blind?"
"Well I never seen you open your eyes!" He challenged "For all I know you could be!"
"Idiot."
Plus! your species tends to wear them, I seen pictures of pitiful military humans wearing them!" Zim pointed out "And as an added bonus, they make me look taller! I like that!"
Gaz slapped her forehead, irritated beyond belief "Zim you moron, what you saw were old portraits not photos of 16th century Persian soldiers."
"They're still soldiers!"
"Try Past tense as in they were for soldiers." Gaz corrected "See, around the 1630s, women started adopting masculine fashion trends, and this is when women began wearing the high heels."
"Nevertheless males and females of your species still wore them." He shrug "So what?"
"Zim, high heels are for women nowadays." Gaz growled in exasperation "And they are hardly practical, those things are bound to get you killed if you don't look where you're going."
That was all he needed to hear, Zim horrified at the mere thought of wearing something that could potentially end his life, threw the black heels out the window.
"And don't come back!" He shouted "Even shoes made on this nasty rock are out to get me! ME! The Amazing Zim!"
"What have I told you about shouting?"
"Uh... Not to?"
"Good boy." She says, patting him patronisingly, an action with Zim resented.
"I am not a pitiful Earth dog!"
"No, your not." Gaz agreed "Dogs at least are able to obey commands."
"Continue with your taunting and maybe Zim won't give you your Valentine's Day present... Of doom!"
Gaz raised an eyebrow "You mean to tell me that you came all the way to my house at midnight just to give me a damn meat slab?"
"Whoever said anything about a horrible burning Earth poison?" Zim asked, shuddering at the memory of being attacked by the heart shaped steak Tak had delivered to him years ago and many years after trying to get the affection of the scary human in front of him.
Year after year Gaz always threw, shoved or even inserted the meat slab in places that no food should enter an Irken's hole.
The aftermath was either surgery or weeks healing the skin or damaged Squeedly Spooch or internal bleeding.
So, needless to say that every time Gaz was sure Zim finally the message that she wasn't interested, of course he had to get on her nerve by trying yet again and again every 14th of February, like clockwork the moment the day started.
"Zim finally knows what has been going wrong these many years!"
The thespian puts her hand over her eyes, at this point she was too tired to care. "Fine Zim, just show me what the hell I'm going end up shoving up your green ass this year."
"There will be no shoving of anything up my glorious butt hole!" The Irken said, protectively putting his hands to cover his buttocks. "For I heart you Gaz-Beast!"
The moment he said that, his PAK opened up, as a metallic arm came out holding a jar with some purple liquid but that wasn't all that was inside.
Gaz was momentarily intrigued but was careful not to show it, rather she was sure to act uninterested in the content of jar, after all, this wasn't the first time the Invader had stolen human organs (hers included) and most certainly it wouldn't be the last.
"So you stole a human heart?" She asked unimpressed "This is your big move to show off?"
Zim's smile widened wickedly "Oh yes... You humans seem to be fascinated with heart shape objects around this time of year, so I thought... What would be more affectionate than a real beating heart?"
Truth to his words, the heart was in fact beating, almost as if it was actually pumping blood, Gaz could only assume that Zim achieved this with some unknown Irken method, possibly nanotechnology of some kind, she was certainly familiar with it after all.
"I got to know, where did you get this?" Gaz questioned "The hospital? The morgue?"
"Not even close Love-Pig." He answered evilly "This heart comes from the very human we both despise!"
"You're going to gave to be more specific, I mean we do hate a lot of people."
Zim smacks his lips "True... True, but think Gaz-Beast, you have the brains! Who do we hate the most out of everyone in this horrible, horrible planet?"
Gaz was temporarily caught off guard by hearing a compliment coming out of the alien's mouth and was about to comment on it, had it not been for a loud, moaning interrupted their moment.
"Oh my chest." Dib coughs in pain "Did I hippo sleep on it?"
It didn't take a genius to piece two and two together.
"You stole my brother's heart?"
"Ingenious, is it not?" Zim questioned smugly "What better way to celebrate this pointless holiday than by having The Dib pig's heart in jar while he's in unimaginable discomfort for as long as we wish!"
"But he's not you know? Dying ... Right?"
"I put a clock as a replacement." Zim shrugs "He'll be in great pain and feel his insides burning but otherwise? He'll fine... Maybe."
"Good... The last thing I want is to have to explain to dad that my boyfriend is responsible for his death and that is if he even notices."
The Irken's evil grin slowly became a wicked smile "Boyfriend eh?"
Gaz rolled her eyes "What can I say? I'm a sucker for my brother's suffering."
The alien lifted his arms in excitement "Victory for Zim!"
"Shut up!" Gaz hissed "Now this heart better not be the only thing you have prepared for me."
"Of course not Human." Zim sneered "I been observing you for quite some time and I know for a fact that you have quite the appetite when it comes to that toxic cheese food."
"You mean pizza?"
"Indeed."
Next thing she knew, several dozen boxes of pizza materialised in her room.
"So, as you pitiful Earth monkeys say 'Dinner and a show', here's your poison, I mean pizza and we get to hear Dib's cries of agony for the rest of the night, does that qualify as a horrible Valentine's Day date?"
Gaz shrugs "Eh... I had better."
Zim was livid after hearing that.
"Guess he is kinda endearing when he's pissed."
"I still won your pitiful human heart!"
"Sure you did." Gaz said with an eye roll "Just don't even think about stealing it."
Meanwhile on Planet Shoptopia:
Several Irkens were getting as much of these high heels as possible, they were hardly comfortable but the idea of increasing one's height was quite an alluring prospect, it seems the humans weren't so dumbs as Zim made them out to be if they had come up with such a clever way of appearing taller without the need of genetic engineering.
"Gimme those!" Invader Tenn roared They're mine!"
"The hell they are!" Invader Tim said "Get your own!"
The Tallest were watching everything from afar, Red was not at all happy by these hot topic shoes.
"Look at those things Purple!" He said darkly "They're a threat to our way of life! We gotta do something about it! Like outlawing them! Purple? Purple!"
To his displeasure, he saw his co-ruler trying on a pair.
He innocently looked up "What? I like them, they make my legs look thinner and tall!"
"News flash smoke brain, we're already tall!"
"Well in that case, they make look taller!"
Red's eye twitched uncontrollably.
"There shoes are hypnotic... That can't be good." Red said worriedly "How can the Empire conquer the universe when every available soldier, invader and frycook worried about their height?"
Zim has yet again given the Tallest a migraine.
Now, wouldn't it it be painfully ironic if the Irken Empire's downfall came about because of their hierarchy of height?
Meh, I feel the ending was a little weak, but I wanted to end the story in a strange way no one would saw coming.
Basically the whole Irken Empire went gaga over the high heels like women on a shopping spree on Valentine's Day, LOL, I know... Random, but the idea came from Emperor Zim since wore them on issue 12 to appear taller and I figured that if regular Zim had introduced them on Irk then the Irkens would wear them just to appear taller, unaware that they only were meant for females, but considering that they very likely have no concept of gender roles, they probably wouldn't care.
Red's comment about the heels being hypnotic is a subtle jab at the women who seem to be obsessed with them as the poor guys who have to endure many boring hours of shoe shopping with their girlfriends.
Who among us has not endured such hell?
Erm, also... Ironically, Gaz's explanation to Zim on the subject of the high heels was 100% true; indeed men in the military wore them in the 1600's, strange I know, I didn't believe that fact at first when a friend of mind told me then I checked it out to corroborate it.
Anyway, for the Dib fans out there, he'll get his heart back... Probably, and no he won't die, if you guys remember, in "Dark Harvest" Zim did steal Melvin's heart and replaced it with... You guest it, an alarm clock and since he was alive in future episodes then clearly he wasn't killed off.
I'm am very aware this fic seems totally bizarre and twisted, maybe right down cruel, but come on, what else did you expect for an IZ Valentine's Day story?
Certainly not any kind of mushiness I can tell you that much.
Finally, as always any constrictive criticism you decide to head my way is greatly accepted.
Invader Johnny Signing Off.