Disclaimer: I don't own anything
A/N: I didn't want to post this fic. In fact I never intended to post this fic. But you can blame my friend JaneDoe51 for hounding me until I did. This has been finished for a long time but I never had the courage to post it. Why? Because of the subject matter.
I'll explain: A while ago I read the book Heart of the Matter which gave me a different perspective on extramarital's affairs, specifically because it portrayed both sides and how it happened. We didn't get just the wronged wife fighting back or the mistress being conniving...rather we got to see how it might happen to regular people. WEll I've always wondered about Jane's marriage and never wanted to put it on a pedestal like some do, so the idea of him possibly being unfaithful intrigued me. Toss in Lisbon's shady dealings with Bosco and well...you have this.
I'll make one thing clear. I am in no way condoning affairs or trying to romanticize them, this is going to show how many people are hurt by them but most of all the people who make those mistakes. But I also don't want to villainize the ones who make them, they are human, they can do bad things...but they can be forgiven as well.
Forbidden Fruit
Chapter 1: The Original Sin
…but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die." Genesis 2:17
I know you're not mine, only borrowed
Cause you already belong to her, at least you said so
But I'm starting to believe it ain't the whole truth
As we're lying side by side, I get the whole you
I Wanna hold out, but gotta hold on,
Even though I know it's wrong
Cause I don't want to give you back
I don't want to give you back
You're the best I'll never have
So I don't want to give you back
But you're borrowed
Borrowed- LeAnn Rimes
"Where is my daddy?"
The question wasn't out of the blue; in fact it fit the subject they had just been talking about. His friend Daniel's father had been on a campout with his two children and Daniel had been talking about it earlier, now Zachary was going on and on about s'mores and bugs and sleeping outside. None of which really appealed to his mother…but did appeal to most fathers.
So it shouldn't have been surprising…but it was.
Lisbon had been in the middle of making her son a grilled cheese sandwich but her spatula stopped before she could flip the bread. She froze, staring at her stove but not really seeing it. All she could hear was her son's question. "Where is my daddy?" "Where is my daddy?" "Where is my daddy?"
"Mommy you are burning it!"
She looked down at her work. "Oh I'm sorry," she said, quickly flipping the slightly overdone sandwich onto the plate and cutting the crust off expertly before cutting it into neat fourths. Maybe if she just got him eating he would be off the subject of daddies.
No such luck.
After taking a big bite of his sandwich, Zachary turned his green eyes up at his mother. "Where is my daddy?"
Lisbon turned back to her stove, grabbing the pan and putting it into the sink so she could scrub it clean. "Mommy?"
She felt like crying. This question was hard, too hard, for so many reasons. How could she explain to Zachary the complications that surrounded his conception and the worst mistake she'd ever made in her entire life? Not him, no, her son wasn't a mistake. Everything else had been though.
Images flashed in her mind. Standing in the precinct wearing a coffee stained blouse when he walked in. That rainstorm where she first realized she was feeling something she really shouldn't. The fight in the hallway that led to the most intense kiss of her life. Lying in bed with him wondering why something so very wrong could feel so good.
The guilt followed, the agonizing time where she became one of those women who tried to justify her choices. She waited for the phone calls; the clandestine hookups that made her feel alive and dirty all at the same time. Finally came the time where she realized what a sham she was now and the moment where she saw once and for all that the man she had broken all of her promises for…was not worth it all. So she'd somehow gathered her strength and walked away…
But not without keeping something with her.
"Mommy?"
Lisbon turned around and put on a fake smile. "I heard you, baby I was just thinking." She sighed and walked over to her son, running her fingers through his thick blonde curls and leaning in to kiss his head. "Your daddy is…he's somewhere else."
"Where?"
"Uh…I'm not really sure," she admitted, it was the truth now. It hadn't been about six months ago.
Zachary set his sandwich down and gave her a very serious look on his young face. "What happened?"
She took in a deep breath and came up with the best explanation she could think of that was still the truth. "I met your daddy in San Francisco, we worked together and we…we came to care about each other. But things didn't work out and he had to leave and…and he doesn't know about you." She gave him a sweet smile, brushing his hair away from his eyes. "But if he did I'm sure he would love you so very much."
That was the closest she'd ever come to a lie.
But it did seem to make Zachary feel better. "What is his name?"
"Patrick," Lisbon told him, "his name is Patrick."
"Will he ever come back?"
She sucked in a heavy breath but didn't release it. Finally she shook her head. "No, I don't think he will."
"Why not?"
God this was so hard. "Because your daddy has a life that keeps him away from us…and I don't see how that will ever work with you and me. I wish things were different but…but I'm sorry, Zach."
Zachary's eyes were sad but he still gave her a smile. "It's all right, Mommy."
Lisbon leaned in to give her boy a big hug. "I'm trying, baby. I'm trying to be all that you need."
"I love you, Mommy."
She sighed, closing her eyes and breathing in her son's scent. "I love you too, Zachary."
Yes, she'd made a terrible mistake long ago but God must not hate her too much, not when he gave her a beautiful boy from it all.
The workday was progressing as normal; Lisbon was stuck at her desk trying to work on her paperwork in the little claustrophobic offices of the CBI. She kept hearing about changes to the layout of the bullpen but it hadn't happened yet. She'd believe it when she saw it.
Then Rigsby came to her desk with the bombshell she never thought would happen.
"Boss," he whispered leaning over his desk, "a man is here to see you about the Red John case. He says his name is Patrick Jane."
Her pen froze in mid-stroke and she tried to remember to breathe.
"Where is my daddy?"
Finally she managed to look up and gape at Rigsby. "Patrick Jane…are you sure?"
"Yeah," Rigsby nodded. "His wife and daughter were killed…about a year ago?"
"Yeah…he's been off the radar," Lisbon admitted, "SACPD lost track of him six months ago."
She turned her head to see if he really was there.
And so he was.
He looked absolutely terrible. Gone were the pristine suits and ties she'd always seen him in…except when he hadn't worn anything. Now his clothing was worn and tired, like he'd slept in it for many nights. His hair was a mess and his face was…lost.
There was no trace of the man she'd known before.
"You ever meet him?" Rigsby asked innocently.
If he'd been looking into her eyes he might have seen that she was pale, that her eyes were wide and she was very close to freaking out.
Finally she lied. "No."
"Will he ever come back?"
"No, I don't think he will."
She had no idea that just the day before she had lied to her son.
Oh God what if he had found out? What if somehow someone they both knew (though she couldn't think of any) saw that she'd had a son with his blonde hair and impish smile? Maybe he was here ready to take her son away from her. "Did he say why he was here?"
Rigsby shrugged. "He said he wanted to talk to the head of the unit."
That didn't do much to resolve her feelings except it gave her hope that maybe he didn't know that she was the head of the unit.
Hannigan came up with news of a case and Lisbon was tempted to go with him and avoid Patrick Jane all together but she also knew that this wasn't something she could run from. Whatever reason he was here had to be something important…and he wasn't going to go away. So she had Rigsby go with Hannigan and she waited for them to leave before finally confronting her own demons.
For a few moments she waited, trying to work up the courage to stand up from her desk and face him. Eventually she was prodded to stand up and see him. She saw that he was completely lost in his thoughts, clearly losing a very dark battle with depression. Not surprising since his wife and daughter were killed but still startling since it was such a stark contrast to the man he was before.
Finally he saw her and time seemed to literally stop.
All they did was stare at each other; his eyes were wide with shock and filled with guilt. She did what she could to remain absolutely firm and calm. There was no need for introductions, they both knew who the other was. She just didn't know the real reason why he was here.
"You're the head of the Red John task force," Jane spoke, his voice stammered a little. It was soft with pain and emotion.
Lisbon nodded. "I was hired by the CBI three years ago," she explained, "my team took over the Red John case in May."
Jane stared at her again for a moment and then a breath of air escaped his lips, almost like a chuckle and he shook his head…but he didn't smile. "I don't know what this is. Karma, fate, or am I facing more of my sins?"
She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. "This isn't about what you and I did six years ago. This is my job, my life, I'm not going to apologize if that makes you feel bad."
To her surprise he really did look chastened and guilty. His eyes were so sad when he looked at her that Lisbon actually felt bad for snapping at him. "I'm sorry," Jane told her gently, "I am sorry for what we did…for what I made you do…and how things ended."
His apology was sincere, something she never really thought she would hear from him. It really wasn't enough but Lisbon couldn't work up the same anger she felt just a few seconds before. Instead she had the unshakeable urge to try and comfort him. "Why are you here?"
"I want to know what is going on with the Red John investigation."
She almost felt relieved. He didn't know about Zachary and wasn't here to take her son away. He wasn't here for her or anything like that; he was just like every grieving family member of victims…he wanted to know how close they were to catching him.
"That's a really big question," Lisbon admitted, "And I don't really have the time right now to really give you what you want, another case has come in. Could you come back at another time?
He didn't like that answer but was gracious enough to recognize that she was a busy woman. "Yeah, well I can wait. I'll wait."
Now she felt like she was talking to her son when he wanted to do something he couldn't. "That's not really practical. We don't have a waiting area for guests."
"I can just sit right there," Jane said forlornly, pointing at a nearby empty chair.
He looked like a lost puppy…or like her son trying desperately to convince her to let him go to the park in the rain. She was tempted but there was no way she was going to give into this. For one…he might see the pictures of her son on her desk and put two and two together.
"I'm sorry, it's policy," she told him, grateful for that truth.
He studied her for a moment and she was scared that maybe he was seeing something that he shouldn't. That is what he did after all. "Okay…policy."
She nodded. "Call, make an appointment and we will talk as soon as possible." After she figured out how to keep him from finding about her little secret. "I'm afraid I have to go."
"Yeah, no problem." He said, moving past her. "I'm just going to wait outside."
"Patrick…" she said his name for the first time. The familiar word slipping past her lips before she could stop herself. She shouldn't have said it…she was supposed to be formal.
But he didn't seem to notice…or if he did then he didn't care. "No, it's okay. It's a nice day, I'll take a walk." He met her eyes again. "If I come back in three hours, will that be okay."
Not really but Lisbon had a feeling he wasn't going to take no for an answer. "Sure," she said slightly over enthusiastic. "Hey, Steve?"
"Yeah?" Hannigan said, obviously not paying any attention. That was a good thing.
"Will you help Mr. Jane find his way out of the building?" She made a point of using his formal address, there was no calling him 'Patrick' anymore."
Her agent didn't look happy about it but he did stand up and follow his boss's orders. She waited for the two men to leave before she breathed a sigh of relief. Then Lisbon jumped into action, rushing over to her desk and quickly throwing everything she had of her son into the deep bottom drawer. The photographs, drawings and small little toys, even the clay handprint she used as a paperweight. In three minutes the desk was bare of any proof that she had a child.
She felt a little better as she made her way out of the bullpen, intent on getting to her car and heading out to the new scene.
Just in time to watch Hannigan punch Patrick Jane.
Rather than feel smug over the fact that the man she had cursed at least once a day for the past six years was now bleeding, she felt mostly horror over the situation. An agent punching out a civilian was always bad…punching out the family of a Red John victim was infinitely worse. No matter how much of a jackass he had been in the past.
"What the hell are you doing Hannigan?" She asked, gaping at the whole scene.
"Boss…"
"I told you to take him downstairs! Not beat him up!" That was her job…at least it had been once.
At least her agent looked somewhat chastened. "Sorry okay, I'm sorry. I…I lost it."
No shit.
And for some reason, Jane was playing the martyr. That was weird. "No, no. It's fine. It's fine. My fault, my fault entirely. I provoked you, I'm sorry."
Lisbon was honestly disgusted with both of them, Hannigan more though. "God, Hannigan. Get him some ice."
She was kneeling on the ground checking on Jane while Hannigan hurried to carry out her order. "I'm okay, I'm okay. Seriously…it's not his fault, I deserved it. Okay?"
Lisbon shook her head. "You deserve a lot of things but he is supposed to act like a professional law officer at all times. So let's get you some ice."
She led him down the hall towards the bullpen once more so she could sit him down but Jane obviously still had his old charm somewhere deep inside. "Admit it, you enjoyed that."
"Absolutely not," Lisbon stated truthfully. "If anyone deserved to punch you, it was me."
And for the first time in six years she got to see Patrick Jane's infamous grin.
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After getting Jane an icepack and some tissues for his bleeding nose, Lisbon had to sit with her boss Minelli over the latest incident involving her team. She liked Minelli, she respected him after he'd given her a chance and made her a team leader when she was still little more than an unproven San Francisco detective. More than that he had been so sweet to her son, letting her bring Zachary to the CBI sometimes and even watching him for an afternoon when she'd been called in unexpectedly.
She briefly wondered what he would think if he knew that Zachary's father was currently pressing an icepack against his face.
"How'd it happen?" Minelli asked.
For a second she actually thought he was asking about her and Jane. It took her a minute to realize he was really talking about the fact that one of her agents had punched him.
"Hannigan said he was provoked, Mr. Jane agrees, he says it's all his fault." Lisbon believed that, Jane had a way with people that brought out the worst in them. He certainly had with her.
Minelli looked surprised and pleased by that. "Decent of him." Of course the situation wasn't lost on him. "Cop with a history attacks a murder victim's grieving spouse. Excellent."
Yeah it almost sounded as bad as 'Cop sleeps with said murder victim's spouse when victim was still alive…and bore said spouse's child'. What would Minelli say to that? Probably a sarcastic remark about the shitstorm she had caused.
"I'm sorry, boss," she said standing up from her desk so she could check on Jane herself with her own eyes. "I hope we can find a way to make this right without being too harsh on Hannigan, he's a good guy. He's just a little too old school." That was Teresa Lisbon…defender of them all. "Mr. Jane says he won't press charges," she continued, that would make him happy.
"Let's hope Mr. Jane remains amiable when he wakes up in the morning with a pounding headache and time to think." Now Minelli stood up and looked at her. "We must find a way to make him happy."
Why did she have a bad feeling about that?
She followed her boss over to where Jane was sitting, icepack still pressed against his nose. He didn't turn around until Minelli began softly. "Mr. Jane?" He tried to stand up but Minelli was being very generous, he could kiss ass when he wanted to. "No, no, no sit," he urged Jane to sit back down and somehow wound up holding on to the icepack in the process. They both pulled up chairs while Minelli began his apologies. "I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I understand that Agent Hannigan has apologized."
Jane caught her eyes and Lisbon really began to wonder what exactly was going on here. "Uh, yes he did."
"Well that's been of some help."
But Jane shrugged a little. "Umm I…I came here to find out about Red John." Now she was really suspicious…what did this have to do with Hannigan?"
"Yes, Agent Lisbon told me. I understand your concern. Red John is one of the most difficult cases we've faced," Minelli told him honestly. He stared at Jane for a minute before turning to look at her. "How many victims, Lisbon?"
"Ten," Jane answered, startling both of them. "So far."
A chill went through her, not many cops knew that information off of the top of their heads. "Yes," she confirmed, hiding her own feelings on this.
"Catching him is our top priority," he looked back at her again. "How many interviews has your team done?"
"Over a hundred," she admitted, "we're also reanalyzing all of the physical evidence that SACPD gathered. We're sharing some of that with the FBI. We're pursuing a lot of different leads. We haven't had a break yet but as soon as we get one, we'll let you know."
Most people would have accepted that and been satisfied. But not Jane. "What are the leads? Where are they leading?" They both stared at him; surprised he was being so persistent. "Do you have any suspects?"
"We can't give out details of the investigation," she told him.
Jane made his own inferences. "You don't have any suspects."
Now she wanted to hit him again…even if he was technically right. "It is a complicated investigation," Lisbon defended herself, "and yes, slow. But everything that can be done is being done."
Minelli was studying Jane though. "I'll tell you what, Mr. Jane. My people have to get back to work now. A long drive ahead of them. But if you don't mind waiting here, when Agent Lisbon returns I'm sure she'll be very happy to show you the files and explain the case to you."
As happy as getting a root canal. But she forced a smile as if her boss was telling her the truth.
But Jane had other ideas. "Is it in the country?" What? "A long drive ahead, is it in the country?"
Then her boss said the last thing she ever thought he would.
"Would you like to go along?" She couldn't hide the shocked look on her face but her boss kept right on going. "Even better, ride along with Lisbon. She can answer any questions you may have along the way."
What the hell was he thinking?
Now Jane looked happy. "I'd like that."
Minelli grinned looking pleased with himself. "Very well then, Mr. Jane, Agent Lisbon. I'll let you get on with your work."
Lisbon wasn't so quick to agree. She stood up and followed her boss, leaving Jane at the table. "Boss!" Minelli stopped in the hallway so she could catch up. "You cannot seriously be asking me to bring a civilian onto an active crime scene."
"I want to do everything we can to keep Mr. Jane from suing our ass."
"I'm aware of that but…but this isn't protocol and I can't guarantee his safety if he gets out of line."
"Who says he'll do that?" Shit, she'd said too much. Minelli looked at her suspiciously. "Am I missing something, Lisbon?"
Okay, it was confession time. Not soul bearing confession time but just enough to give him a taste. "I…I worked with Patrick Jane once when I was in San Francisco."
Minelli raised an eyebrow. "You never mentioned that."
"It was never relevant," Lisbon explained, "the truth is that he doesn't follow orders, he gets into trouble and is a general pain in the ass."
He leaned over to look back at Jane who was sitting slouched in the chair…like a defeated man. "That man?"
"He's different now," Lisbon admitted, "He was more…confident before his family was killed."
"Well if he has changed so much then it shouldn't be a problem…unless there is another reason."
He stared hard at her and Lisbon could only stare right back and pray to God that Minelli hadn't noticed how much Jane resembled her son. Slowly she shook her head. "No, sir."
"Good, then give Mr. Jane what he wants and then he'll be out of your hair. I know this is inconvenient but I appreciate your professionalism."
Professionalism. Right…she was just Patrick Jane's ex-mistress, that was all.
Lisbon watched Minelli leave feeling like she'd just lost a major battle. Then she turned on her heel and marched over to Jane. "Hannigan is bringing the car around, if you are coming then you need to get ready."
"I'm fine."
"Good," she said before turning back around and heading to the elevator. Jane followed calmly and soon enough they were standing together…waiting alone for the elevator to come. It was all far too familiar and there was no stopping the color from rising in her cheeks. She turned an accusing eye to him. "You did this on purpose didn't you?"
"Hmm?"
"Pissing off Hannigan."
"You think I wanted to be punched?"
"I think you wanted to have Minelli owe you one so you could get what you want. What I want to know is what it is." She told him as the doors opened and they both stepped inside the empty lift.
For a long moment they both stood there awkwardly as she tried not to remember that time this very man had pressed her up against the wall of another elevator and done things that could only be seen in films like 9 ½ Weeks. Her heart was pounding now, she wasn't sure if it was fear that she would lose whatever life she'd managed to make for herself or if it was from reliving those sensual memories…probably both.
"Patrick, please do not tell anyone about what happened between us," Lisbon begged softly, "I do not want anyone here to know."
To her surprise Jane looked her right in the eye and she saw oceans of pain and grief in his gaze. "I would never do that to you, Teresa. The last thing I want is to relive the things that I regret most."
It shouldn't have hurt but it did. Yes she regretted sleeping with a married man but…but she couldn't either because of her son. But he did, he truly hated himself for those actions.
Somehow she wasn't convinced that telling him about Zachary would change that.
What did that say about her?
Home was a small townhouse in eastern Sacramento with rows of cookie cutter homes and a small park set in the middle of it. The park was the big draw that sealed the deal with Lisbon and in the summer Zachary spent more time there then in his house. She made it home in time this night to relieve her part time nanny early so she could make her son dinner, baked chicken nuggets with string beans.
Zachary was so happy to have his mother home; he was busy chattering about his big day in kindergarten and his best friend Daniel who was still going on about his new puppy. She'd have to arrange for Zach to spend a few hours at Daniel's house this weekend or she'd never hear the end of it.
"Are you okay, Mommy?"
Lisbon was pulled out of her haze by her son's innocent question. "What?"
"You're not talking," he pointed out. Zachary was so smart and perceptive, no small wonder where that had come from. The man who was responsible for half of his genes had given her a perfect example just that afternoon.
She sighed and gave her son a fake smile. "I'm fine, sweetie. Just tired, I had a long day and you know how it's hard on Mommy sometimes."
Zachary studied her for a long time but he decided to accept her answer. She smiled again, tousling his hair. "Eat up, you can have a little ice cream for dessert."
Ice cream, the best distraction she knew of and it worked like a charm.
Chocolate ice cream, a quick bath and one story later and her son was fast asleep in his little bed and Lisbon took the time to admire him. His curly blonde hair was wild against his red pillowcase; he had a toy airplane tucked in beside him that could not be comfortable. Lisbon reached over to gently take the toy out from under his arm and put it beside the bed. She leaned over to kiss him gently on the temple before turning out the light and leaving her son to sleep.
She made her way downstairs and found her cell phone on the kitchen counter. The first thing she did was dial her brother's number.
James was the only one of her three brothers that really knew the whole story about her and Zachary's father. It wasn't because she trusted him more but simply a matter of chance, he'd stopped by her apartment six years ago and stumbled upon her and Jane, thankfully while they were still fully dressed. He'd had more than a few choice words about her decision to have an affair with a married man and then when she'd become a desperate mistress, the angrier he had become. He'd cheered the day she told him that it was over between her and Jane. He'd nearly jumped on a plane to kill him the day she told James that she was pregnant.
He'd been the one to convince her that cutting Jane out of her life permanently was the best decision…and that meant not telling him about the baby. He'd also been the one to come down and be there in those final weeks of her pregnancy and hold her hand as she gave birth to her son. So she knew that now he was the first one she had to call with the news…and the more the phone rang the more freaked out she became until when he finally answered she just blurted it out. "He's here in Sacramento!"
"What?"
"He's here. He was at the CBI. He talked to me…in front of my boss. He's coming back tomorrow."
"Reese, who the hell are you talking about?"
"Patrick Jane, Zachary's father, the man I was stupid enough to have sex with six years ago!"
She heard James gasp and then exclaim. "He's there?"
"Yes! That is exactly what I was saying."
"What the hell is he doing there?"
Lisbon flopped down on the couch, the phone still pressed to her ear. She hadn't told James everything, not what had happened the previous year. "Last year Red John killed his wife and daughter."
"What?"
"I didn't have the case then so I just saw it on the news. I didn't think you needed to know about that…because I didn't think it really concerned any of us. I hadn't seen him in years after all."
James took in a deep breath and let it out. "Then why is he there? Why did he come to see you?"
"He didn't come to see me," Lisbon corrected him, "He came to see the head of the Red John task force which just happens to be me."
"This is crazy!"
"I know it is," she replied, "I mean…I moved away from San Francisco. I took another job and somehow the forces of the universe get me back into the same room as him."
James breathed heavily for a while, she knew he was mad. He hated Jane for a lot of reasons and she couldn't blame him really, even if she'd been the one making those mistakes as well. "What did he want?"
"He wanted information on the Red John case," Lisbon explained, "that was all."
"What about Zachary?"
"He still doesn't know about him as far as I can tell."
He sighed in relief. "Good, that's good."
Lisbon bit her lip and looked down at her lap. "Is it?"
"What are you thinking, Teresa?"
"James…he's devastated. He lost his family…"
"He betrayed that family!"
"I know that, nothing has made me forget that but do you really think him cheating with me means he deserved to have his child killed?"
"That doesn't mean he should know about Zachary."
"But…but it might make him better," Lisbon wondered aloud, "maybe he needs something to make him happy again."
"You don't know that," James pointed out, "he could hurt you and your son again. You knew who he was before, do you really believe that man is gone?"
She shook her head. "I don't know…maybe the Patrick Jane I met six years ago was the real man…or maybe this sad broken one is. I just…I don't know."
"Are you willing to bet your son's happiness on that?"
Lisbon thought about it for a long time, seeing the wisdom in her brother's words. "No, you're right. It's better for Zachary if I keep them apart. He's so broken…he might not even want anything to do with his son anyways."
"Exactly," James said, even though she knew he didn't mean it. He didn't care how broken Jane was as long as Lisbon was still determined to stay away from him. "If you see him again, just tell him to leave."
"I can't do that."
"What?"
"One of my agents hit him and my boss told me to make nice, that means tomorrow morning I have to give him the Red John files and let him look through them," Lisbon explained.
"What the hell?"
"I don't have a choice, I'm following orders."
"This is bull shit! You shouldn't have to do this, not with him!"
"Minelli doesn't know that I was stupid and slept with Patrick," Lisbon reminded him, "I'd prefer it if I didn't have to tell him so I'm going to do as he asks and wait for Patrick to leave my life again."
James was quiet for a moment, his voice low with anger. "I don't like this. I don't like that he is there, with you, again."
"I know," Lisbon said softly, "neither do I."
It was the truth. She was scared because she had a bad feeling…a feeling that this was just the start of another crazy mess that she won't be able to fix.
That night it took a very long time for Lisbon to fall asleep, she kept fretting over what would happen tomorrow when she saw Jane again. She also questioned her choices more than once. There was nothing she could do about her choices six years ago, she'd made the decision to sleep with a married man and she'd had to reap the consequences of it. But there was something she could do now…she could tell him about Zachary.
No it wouldn't give him the past five years back but it would mean her son would finally have a father figure in his life. But that was only if he actually wanted to be in her son's life. She had struggled with this same choice six years before and it was James who had reminded her that Jane was married, that meant he almost certainly didn't want or need a child from another woman other than his wife. He might cut her off completely…or demand she have an abortion.
Things were different now though. His family was gone; the arrogant narcissistic jackass seemed to be gone too…maybe.
Of course that didn't mean he wanted to be a father again either. He had dismissed the idea of him moving on and starting a new life. He'd looked at her with eyes haunted with grief, despair and far too much guilt than normal. The way he'd talk about their affair…Lisbon wondered if just being around her was too painful for him, a reminder of the terrible thing he did to the woman who was his wife and was now gone. What would the knowledge that a child born from that sinful union between them do to him?
So she was leaning towards going with her brother's opinion and keeping Jane in the dark, he would probably be out of her life tomorrow and she didn't need him to upset the apple cart anymore than he already had.
Sleep finally came and with it came dreams.
Lisbon had had those dreams so many times over the past few years. Anytime it rained she would be back on that street, right by the car, staring at him while he stared back. He'd looked even sexier wet, if that was even possible, and his eyes had been darker with the storm and desire.
But tonight it was a myriad of images.
He pressed her up against the elevator wall, hands roaming along her sides until they found her hips and she was lifted up so she could wrap her legs around his waist…and feel how much he really wanted this. She didn't even care that she was about to have sex with Muzak piping over the outdated sound system…
The sheets were cool against her hot skin while Patrick slowly pulled her panties down over her legs, his eyes never leaving hers for a second. He let his fingertips glide over her ankles, her calves and finally her thighs. She shook with ecstasy as he leaned forward to taste her at the one part that was aching for him…
She didn't know what was wrong with her! How could she be so angry and so turned on by one person? The fight had been loud and vicious; she'd even shoved him several times on the sidewalk with only one old homeless man watching. He shouldn't have followed her up the stairwell and stopped her halfway to her apartment…he definitely shouldn't have kissed her like that. Now she was bent over the banister, her panties at her ankles while he pounded into her, so deep she could practically taste him on her tongue. If anyone entering the stairwell would hear her cries but she didn't care…not much. But she had to stop…she has to stop…so why couldn't she stop?
Lisbon woke up, covered in sweat and a hot sticky wetness between her thighs. She took a few deep breaths before getting out of the bed and heading to her bathroom so she could strip out of her damp clothes and now useless underwear and put on something else. Actually a shower might not be a bad idea if it would help wash off the residual effects of her dreams.
The hot shower spray felt good on her skin but Lisbon didn't do more than just stand there and let the water wash over her. She wasn't able to stop herself from remembering those times when she'd let Patrick join her, how his skin had tasted so good wet.
She shivered, even in the steam and grabbed the body wash so she could focus on getting herself clean and not on Patrick Jane hoisting her up against a shower wall to have wet and wild sex. So Lisbon finished with her quick shower before grabbing a towel from the rack and wrapping herself up in the slightly faded cotton.
Lisbon ran a brush through her hair and stared at the mirror, the steam starting to fade to make her reflection visible. Her mind was wandering again but it wasn't the distant past but rather the more recent present.
It had felt so strange to have Patrick Jane show up again, out of the blue and at her job. Just like before when he'd walked into her life so unsuspecting, there was no hint that he would leave such an indelible mark on her life. That he would change everything forever.
That was what scared her now.
What if he did it again?
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Six Years Ago
She never should have worn this light blue blouse. Light colors just begged to have coffee spilled on them which she had done when she'd had to slam on her breaks behind a gold Volvo that had tried to make it before the yellow light turned red. She'd managed to get most of it off with a little bit of water but it would have to be thrown into the wash with the rest of her piles of dirty laundry.
"Hey, Lisbon, check out the suit!"
Lisbon turned at the sound of her team members, Detective Bobby Gendry's voice. Sure enough there was an incredibly handsome man in a suit that probably cost as much as she made in a year, talking to the captain. She studied the man's blonde hair, neatly slicked over and his perfect attire, wondering why she found someone so cleanly cut up to also be so very attractive. She hated suits, always had.
"He's probably some big wig or another lawyer," She told him dismissively but she didn't really believe that. A politician or wealthy patron wouldn't come down to the precinct... and a lawyer would never look so at ease.
"What do you think he is here for?" the other detective on the team asked. He was Hank Perry, the rookie of the group while Gendry was actually ten years her senior. Gendry was divorced, had high blood pressure and was probably two years away from a heart attack with as much bacon and grease he ate. Perry was the neat freak that she was tempted to empty the trashcan on his desk just to watch him freak out sometimes…but they were both damn good cops.
And after leaving Boscoe's team, she needed good men with her.
Lisbon shrugged. "Probably filing a complaint or asking the captain for a favor. It doesn't concern us."
That was who Detective Lisbon was; she was concerned about keeping her nose clean and doing her job right. What some Adonis in a suit wanted with her boss had nothing to do with her.
Still she kept peeking up from her reports, curiosity getting the best of her over why this man was here. It only got worse when her captain stepped out of his office and headed straight for her desk…with the visitor following him.
"Detective Lisbon, this is Patrick Jane," Captain Michaels told her, "Lisbon's team is working the Bradley investigation and Mr. Jane here has offered his assistance."
"Assistance?" Lisbon questioned as she reached over to shake Mr. Jane's hand. God help her he was even more beautiful up close…and she hadn't washed her hair last night and was wearing a coffee stained blouse! But it didn't matter how good-looking he was, she wasn't sure if she liked the idea of a civilian following her around.
From the slightly uncomfortable way her Captain was looking at her, she thought she had a reason to be concerned.
"Mr. Jane here is a psychic and has graciously offered to help."
"He offered to help?" Lisbon asked dubiously, she never knew anyone in an expensive suit to offer anything except a lawsuit.
But Patrick Jane just flashed her an amazing smile. "It is my way of giving back to the community Detective Lisbon."
She had to remember to breathe while looking into his handsome face. Dear God that man's smile was like a narcotic. If she wasn't careful she would just start staring at him like a helpless teenager, begging him to smile at her again. It took a moment for Lisbon to get herself out of her stupor and somehow she had a feeling that she hadn't succeeded in hiding the effect Patrick Jane had on her, not with that devilish glint in his eye.
"Uhh, I'm very grateful for the offer but I admit I am confused. How did you become aware of the investigation?"
"Lena Bradely's aunt is one of my clients," he explained smoothly, "she asked if it was possible for me to connect with Lena and help find the man who killed her."
She raised an eyebrow. "You spoke to Lena?" She said this doubtfully, yes she was a spiritual person but talking to dead people only happened in M. Night Shyamalan movies.
"I had a connection with her, yes."
Lisbon gave him a tight smile. "I don't suppose she gave you a name?"
"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way."
"I didn't think so."
Patrick Jane smiled at her again, sending her heart racing once more. "It's all right to be skeptical, Detective. But I'm certain I can be of use in this investigation."
"Wonderful," her captain interrupted the exchange with too-big smile. "I'm certain Detective Lisbon is grateful for your help and is more than willing to cooperate with you. I'll let her catch you up on the case."
He made his way back to his office but Lisbon was quick on his heels. "Sir," she said, as soon as the door shut behind them. "You cannot be serious about this."
"You are questioning my orders?"
"You are putting a psychic on my team?" Lisbon asked, "This isn't television, psychics don't exist except on morning talk shows."
She was afraid the captain might be angry with her for her blatant disregard for his command but he actually looked tired and haggard. "Detective, do you know who Claire Richards is?"
Lisbon shook her head, trying to place the name but she came up empty. "Claire Richards is the wife of Senator Richards, the senator who is currently in Washington and running for reelection next year. She also happens to be Lena Bradley's aunt."
A sinking feeling filled her stomach. Now Lisbon understood what was going on. "And the commissioner is getting pressure to let this 'psychic' work the case."
"I'm trying to keep everyone happy," her Captain explained. "If that means letting Patrick Jane see our case file then that is what it will have to be." She looked chagrined and her captain noticed. "It might not be so bad. He's done some good work with the Malibu PD; he's even helped SACPD once or twice. Everyone says he offered valuable insight."
Lisbon knew when something was being left out. "What else did they say?"
He sighed again. "That he is a little reckless and hard to handle." Lisbon gaped at him and threw her hands up in the air, just what she needed, an overgrown child. "I'm quite certain you can manage him."
Lisbon knew when she was being dismissed and she was also a professional. She could suck it up and deal with an unwanted addition to her team for a few days. Now if he used crystal balls and séances then she might just shoot him.
She stepped back into the bullpen to see that the man in question was chatting with her team good-naturedly. Three minutes and it was already like they were best friends, that was interesting, perhaps he wasn't an arrogant jackass like she was afraid of.
When Mr. Jane saw her he smiled again and she felt her heart flip over in her chest. He was without a doubt the most beautiful man she'd ever seen. 'Who knows,' she thought, 'he's not bad to look at by any means, this might be fun.'
Then she saw the gold band on his left hand and she was a little disappointed but she chalked it up as just her typical luck. Of course he was taken, why would she even have a chance? She would just get to work, grit her teeth and solve this case.
After all, she wasn't going to sleep with a married man. That was one rule she would never break.
Lisbon had been in for a surprise when Minelli told her he had hired Jane as a consultant for the team. She'd been forced to admit that he'd helped her solve her latest case as well as explain that Jane would probably have valuable insight into other cases as well. That was the important thing, that killers are caught and justice is served.
But Minelli didn't know about her history with Jane. He didn't know that Jane was probably doing this only for a personal vendetta. She had a bad feeling that this was all going to lead down a dark road and she might be dragged along for the ride. That was all fine and good except that meant her son could get caught up in that darkness unless she was very, very careful.
Still, only she knew this and she was the final hold out on signing Jane on as a team member. The form was sitting on her desk just waiting for her signature but she kept toying with the pen instead, she was waiting for the answer to come to her, waiting to know what would be the right thing to do.
"In order for it to work you have put the pen to the paper first."
Lisbon looked up to see the devil she had been thinking about himself. He looked…better. Still wearing the same jacket, shirt and vest combination but his eyes were a little different. Haunted and in pain but there was a bit more confidence then there had been before, a bit of that charming arrogance she remembered, not a lot but enough.
"Well look who found his sense of humor," Lisbon remarked.
He gave her another small smile; not a full-blown grin but it was something. He nodded his head at the paper in front of her. "You still haven't signed it."
"No…I haven't."
"Why not?"
Lisbon looked down at the paper again, still playing with the pen. "Because I'm not so sure if it is a good idea."
Jane took a seat across from her and she was glad that she'd had the foresight to hide all of her pictures of Zachary. "Your boss signed it right away."
"Well my boss doesn't know you," Lisbon pointed out, "I do."
Jane leaned back, a knowing look on his face. "So this is about what happened with us."
"Yes…somewhat," Lisbon admitted. She met his eyes. "Don't you have a problem being here…with me?"
"No." he answered simply.
That surprised her. "Really?"
"I'm not saying that I don't remember what we did or the guilt I feel because of it but really it isn't relevant to where we are now," Jane told her.
"You really think that we can just ignore that we had an affair?"
"Yes, because you are a professional and I'm very good at putting aside my emotions."
"I'll bet you are," Lisbon said, perhaps it was a bit too bitter.
Jane's eyebrows quirked up at that comment and she saw he looked sad. "I'm sorry for what happened…what I did. But I need you to realize that I am not that same man anymore."
Lisbon stared at him, looking at this sad and terribly broken man in front of her and compared him to the man who had seduced her six years ago. "I know," she said, "I can see that. Maybe that's part of what scares me."
He looked surprised by that. "Excuse me?"
"I see how you are, I see that you are intent on finding Red John and call me crazy…but I don't think it is for anyone's benefit but your own. I think this is about revenge and if you don't get it soon…it'll turn into an obsession and that will take you down a path of darkness that scares the hell out of me." Lisbon took in a breath and let it out, "and I don't know if I can be responsible for that…I don't want to be dragged into this with you."
Jane stared at her and to her credit, he didn't refute it. Instead he seemed to be thinking about her statement carefully before looking into her eyes. "I will not let anything happen to you. I will keep you out of this. You have my word."
"I don't think you can promise that."
He sighed. "You know I am your best chance at finding Red John. Forget about rules and procedure; forget about the fact that we had an affair. That is the one fact that matters. I can do this; I can help you catch him and hundreds of other killers. Isn't that reason enough to sign that paper?"
She hated that he'd immediately cut to the chase, presenting her with the best argument that was nearly impossible to refute. He knew that in her core she was strictly a cop, she wanted justice and would do near about anything to make sure that happened. He knew she wanted to catch killers…and he was right. He was the best choice she had.
Lisbon sighed heavily and finally put pen to paper. "Will you at least pretend to listen to my orders?"
"The ones I agree with."
She rolled her eyes and pressed down on the paper harder as she scrolled her name. "Why do I feel like I am selling my soul?" she muttered.
"Oh don't be dramatic," Jane replied, looking satisfied for once.
Lisbon set the paper aside and looked up at him. "One more thing…we never had an affair. We actually never met until you walked through those doors."
"You want me to lie?"
"Are you seriously going to pretend like you have a problem with lying?"
"No," Jane told her, "but you have to know that your terms are unnecessary. I never had any intention of bringing up what happened between us again."
"Good. Then I'll see you Monday morning," Lisbon stood up from her desk and grabbed her briefcase
"Lisbon," Jane called out, stopping her from leaving. She turned around to look at him and he was giving her a soft look. "It has been nice to see you again…as a friend."
She couldn't stop her lips from quirking up just a little. "Yeah…it kind of has." Then she made her way back to the elevator and quietly chastised herself for even being this way around him. Being nice might lead to other things which would not be a good idea at all…but she wasn't going to make those same mistakes again so really it was irrelevant.
But she knew for sure she'd made the right decision hiding Zachary from him. If he was heading down a dark path then she wanted to keep her son as far away from his as possible.
She just had no idea how she would be able to keep this up.
A/N: I forgot to mention, this story will get M rated, LOL eventually for now we can see how things unfold in the present and the past.