Mallory blew away the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more madness from my tiny mind. Who doesn't love more Mallory going wild? Happens before Pocket Listing.
Mallory Verses The Supermarket
"Mother why are we going to some grocery store out of town to get supplies for the office?" Archer asked in an exasperated voice as he pulled his car into a parking space. "Can't we just order in like we always do?"
"Ordering in is expensive," Mallory checked her makeup for a second using a mirror from her purse before putting it away.
"And driving out of town to an upscale supermarket is cost efficient?" Lana asked. She was sitting next to Archer.
"Starting to see why our office is constantly in the red," Ray groaned. He was sitting next to Mallory in the back. "The place we order from closed our account again didn't they? What another check bounced?"
"Not as much bounced as…lost in the mail," Mallory waved.
"So why not just get stuff from a grocery store in New York?" Archer barked. "I know they have them and I know we're not banned from most of those places!"
"Most of those places?" Ray asked. "Oh right…The Top Gun Re-Enactment incident."
"Yes it was such a thrill for me to hear that my grown son was drunkenly riding on a child's horsey ride singing off key at the top of his lungs," Mallory rolled her eyes. "From the police that arrested you…"
"First of all, it wasn't a horse ride. It was a fighter plane," Archer corrected.
"A little blue and yellow fighter plane," Ray quipped. "Run on quarters."
"A ride for children," Lana added. "And even though mentally you're still six…"
"Oh ha, ha Lana…" Archer grumbled. "It was an isolated incident!"
"You did it for two weeks!" Mallory snapped. "Two weeks straight! Do you have any idea how much I had to bribe people so you wouldn't be prosecuted as some kind of sex offender?"
"I'm assuming there's a fund you use especially for that occasion," Ray remarked.
"Shut up and insert your own homophobic remark because I have no time for this," Mallory glared at him. "Besides you really think I'd be caught dead in a supermarket if I didn't have a good reason?"
"What's his name?" Archer sighed. "And does he know about Ron?"
"Not that you ass!" Mallory snapped. "It's just that Trudy Beekman and all her little drones rave about this place. Apparently this Earth Mart is the latest fad."
"And you just have to be seen going to the same place all your little friends go to," Lana sighed. "One question, how are we going to pay for our supplies? The prices here are pretty high."
"Don't worry about that Lana," Mallory waved. "I've come into some money very recently. Thanks to my friend Beatrice Vulpixon who passed away a few days ago."
"What she left you money in her will?" Archer asked.
"Not exactly," Mallory admitted. "More like she gave me some of her jewelry."
"Oh dear God you stole her jewelry off her corpse at the funeral didn't you?" Archer snapped. "You promised you wouldn't do that anymore!"
"Well what was I supposed to do? Let her get buried with that huge diamond encrusted bracelet and that even larger diamond ring that would be too small for King Kong?" Mallory snapped. "Sure they were ugly as sin but a waste of good jewelry. The earrings were fake so I left them on her."
"Unbelievable…" Ray groaned. "Just when I think you can't sink any lower into that pit of meanness…"
"Judge all you want…Judgmental Judy!" Mallory bristled. "But the money I made selling those baubles is going to keep our office running for at least three months! Besides it's not like there was anyone who wanted them. I've seen funerals for pets that were better attended."
"You saw an opportunity to loot and you took it," Lana groaned.
"I prefer to think of it as acquiring a repayment of a loan of a few dollars for coffee about twenty years ago," Mallory sniffed. "With interest. What? She said she was going to pay me back but never did!"
"Unbelievable…" Ray shook his head.
"I know. I knew she didn't have much family but there was no one at the service!" Mallory said. "Even the priest fell asleep during the sermon. I could have stolen her dress and left her naked in her coffin and no one would have noticed!"
"Wouldn't have been the first time," Archer sighed as they got out of the car. "Let's just get this over with."
"Look I get why you brought Lana and Archer here," Ray grumbled as they entered the store. "But why me?"
"Because your people are in fashion and I want those upper class bitches to know that I am just as tolerant as a Benneton Ad," Mallory huffed. "So zip it Missy!"
"So basically I'm just an accessory?" Ray was a bit miffed.
"Welcome to my childhood," Archer sighed. "Yeah this takes me back…"
They entered the store. "Wow…This is a big store," Lana realized. "They even have a café over there."
"Hello? Hello? Can we get some help here?" Mallory looked around. "Hello?"
"What are you looking for?" Ray asked.
"The store clerks to give my shopping list to," Mallory said.
"Have you never been in a grocery store before?" Lana asked incredulously.
"Well not recently no…" Mallory admitted. "Oh wait. Do I have to go to a counter or…?"
"Mother even I know that's not how it works," Archer groaned. "Ray get a basket."
"What kind of basket? Wicker?" Mallory asked innocently. "Oh is it like a make your own gift basket?"
"Wow…" Lana blinked with shock. "Just wow…"
"Reality check on aisle three…" Ray remarked as he brought over a shopping basket.
"What the hell is this?" Mallory did a double take.
"It's a shopping cart Mother," Archer groaned. "You push it along as you walk up and down the aisle and pick out what you want."
"Seriously?" Mallory was stunned.
"Yes," Archer told her.
"You expect me to push that around this entire store?" Mallory bristled.
"Well no. Ray is going to do it," Archer said.
"Why me?" Ray barked.
"Because shut up!" Archer barked at him. "Which reminds me I need to stock up on gum."
"Come on Mallory let's just pick out our items," Lana guided Mallory into the store.
"What am I? A God damn field mule?" Ray grumbled as he pushed the cart.
"Mules are actually useful!" Mallory snapped back at him.
"Knock it off lovebirds," Archer groaned. "Let's just get this over with. Ah see…Right on the list. Coffee filters. This brand right here is not only on sale but it says that there is a two for one special. So we get more for our money."
"How did you figure that out?" Mallory did a double take.
"This new invention called a sign," Archer pointed. "See you got to look out for bargains when you shop."
"How do you know how to do this?" Mallory asked as Archer put the coffee filters into the basket.
"Yeah how do you know how to do this?" Lana asked. "I thought Woodhouse buys your groceries."
"Well not lately," Archer groaned. "Besides sometimes I go with him to pick up a few things. You know stuff that isn't on the list."
FLASHBACK…
"So what time do you get off of work?" Archer asked a lovely young woman holding cheese samples in the food aisle. Woodhouse was seen behind him putting in groceries in a shopping cart.
FLASHBACK!
"So that's how a two for one sale works?" Archer asked a different lovely young woman as they were making out in a freezer. "Neat!"
FLASHBACK!
"They use near expired or expired foods in the deli?" Archer gasped as he was making out with another different half-dressed woman in that same freezer. "I did not know that! That's it! I'm sticking with take out!"
FLASHBACK!
"OW! OW! OW!" Archer was trying to get some lobsters off of his hands and shirt. He wasn't wearing any pants. A horrified young woman barely dressed behind a counter was shocked.
"Oh so that's why lobsters wear bands on their…YEOOWWWWW!" Archer yelled as a lobster pinched a very sore spot below the belt.
FLASHFORWARD!
"You could say I know my way around a supermarket," Archer said smugly. "Head's up. Stay away from the deli department. And the live lobsters. For so many reasons…"
"I can't believe I'm saying this Sterling but you actually surprised me in a good way for once," Mallory shook her head. "I was starting to think that would never happen."
"Is it so hard for you to believe that I can do things on my own?" Archer snapped.
"Seriously?" Lana, Mallory and Ray asked at the same time.
"Oh ha, ha you two," Archer glared at Lana and Ray. "But my own mother…."
"Who has seen you show up to both work and her parties in a state of undress on several occasions because his butler wasn't around to tie his shoes for him," Mallory gave him a look.
"I obviously can tie my own shoes Mother!" Archer barked. "Unless I'm wearing loafers. But that's not the point."
"Here we go…" Ray groaned as Archer and his mother started to fight. "Yeah so glad I'm not in the office."
"Sometimes I think I am still raising a helpless infant!" Mallory barked at her son.
"Would a helpless infant be capable of doing this Mother?" Archer shouted as he shoved several items off of a shelf and let them fall to the floor.
"Pretty much yeah…" Lana said.
"Great! Sterling made another mess!" Mallory groaned. "Clean it up!"
"I don't have to! That's what the store clerks are for," Archer snorted.
"Not entirely," Ray said.
"Shut up!" Archer barked.
"GEORGE! CLEAN UP ON AISLE THREE!" The PA barked to life.
"See? Problem solved!" Archer snapped.
"This is exactly how my Daddy and my grandfather got banned from the Piggly Wiggly," Ray sighed. Then started to sniff. "I miss my Paw Paw…"
"Oh this is going to be a looooooooooooong day…" Lana groaned.
Two aisles later…
"Oh my God! How can you be so sensitive?" Mallory snarled as they went down another aisle.
"I think I have a right to be angry when you call my daughter fat when she clearly isn't!" Archer snapped.
"Please! It's not like we can't explain away the problem by saying she has an overactive thyroid gland or something," Mallory waved. "On her mother's side obviously."
"WHAT?" Lana barked.
"Oh come on Lana! You look like Paul Bunyan's distant cousin," Mallory sniffed. "And with those huge ungainly hands…"
"I AM TIRED OF YOU MAKING FUN OF MY HANDS!" Lana threw up her hands in exasperation.
Only to accidentally knock over an entire display of oranges nearby. "Oops…" Lana winced as the oranges fell everywhere.
"Ha! Ha!" Archer snickered.
"GEORGE! CLEAN UP ON AISLE FIVE!" The PA barked again.
"Shut up!" Lana glared at him.
"Yes. Definitely some gigantism on her mother's side," Mallory scoffed.
The next aisle…
"Explain to me again why a bunch of rich bitches would hang around a supermarket?" Ray asked as he pushed the cart.
"Well Earth Mart is a very high class upscale supermarket," Lana explained. "With a reputation of eco-friendliness."
"And they do have a café," Archer said. "It doesn't sell alcoholic drinks though. I checked."
"GEORGE! CLEAN UP IN THE CAFÉ!" The PA system barked.
"Really a stupid policy now that I think about it," Archer shrugged. "Still Ray has a point. I mean why go to a supermarket when you can just order in?"
"Not everyone orders take-out all the time!" Mallory barked.
"I don't do that all the time!" Archer snapped. "Just when Woodhouse doesn't do it. Which he hasn't been doing that lately so…"
"It's probably one of those stupid 'let's pretend we're just like the little people' fads that come around like a bad virus every so often," Mallory scoffed. "God I hate those."
"Then why are you doing it?" Ray asked.
Mallory just glared at Ray. Then she grabbed a jar of some kind of sauce and threw it at his head.
"AAAHHH!" Ray ducked in time and it missed him completely. However it splattered on the floor.
"Great. She's in one of her moods…" Ray grumbled grateful that the mess didn't touch his suit.
"And she wonders where Archer gets it from," Lana agreed.
"GEORGE! CLEAN UP ON AISLE SIX!"
The next aisle…
"This is such a waste of my time…" Mallory huffed as she walked. "Do people really do this all day? Wander up and down aisles like the lost souls of the damned just to get a few measly groceries?"
"They also push their own carts," Ray remarked.
Just then another shopping cart rammed right in front of Ray's. "I had the right of way," An older woman in a worn housecoat huffed.
"No, you didn't," Mallory scoffed. Normally Mallory would have relished someone chewing out Ray. However one look at the other's woman's attire Mallory's instinctive elitism kicked in.
It simply wouldn't do for someone of a lower class to attack her employees.
In Mallory's twisted mind it was just as if she attacked Mallory herself.
"I certainly did!" The older woman glared at Mallory.
"No, you did not," Mallory growled. "I saw you! You had all this space to go around us but you deliberately rammed into us! Probably trying to scam us out of money with a whiplash scheme!"
"I did no such…" The older woman began.
But Mallory cut her off. "Oh please! You look exactly the type to do it! Don't think we're stupid enough to fall for that! Now get out of our way unless you want my foot in your ass!"
"Well really!" The older woman huffed.
"Here! Take some chips," Archer took some chips from the shelf. "We can settle this out of court and not involve our insurance."
"Get away from me you…" The older woman huffed. "Low class weirdoes!" She threw the chips at Mallory.
Big mistake. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING LOW CLASS YOU….?" Mallory shouted. Lana and Archer had to restrain her.
"Mallory! No! Mother! She's not worth it!" They held her back.
They couldn't stop Mallory from grabbing chip bags and throwing them at the retreating older woman "YOU'D BETTER RUN!" Mallory shouted.
"I should have run years ago…" Ray grumbled under his breath.
"GEORGE! CLEAN UP ON AISLE SEVEN!"
And not long later…
"Try a Cheesy Spreezy Cottage Kurd Ma'am?" A store employee asked as she held a tray full of some kind of cheese by product.
"I do not understand the question. Nor do I care to answer it," Mallory scoffed. Right before she whacked the tray out of the employee's hands, letting the contents scatter to the floor.
"GEORGE! CLEAN UP IN DELI!"
And not long afterwards…
"ARCHER!" Lana and Ray shouted as Archer was taking a swig from an open bottle.
"What?" Archer asked. "We have to try the wine first before we buy it! This is good. We should get these." He put the bottle in the cart and a few others.
"Mallory tell your son that we can't…" Lana shook her head. Then she looked at her boss. "MALLORY!"
"What?" Mallory blinked as she was caught drinking from another bottle of wine. "Ugh… Bad year." She simply dropped the bottle and let it crash to the floor.
"GEORGE! CLEAN UP ON AISLE TEN!"
"This is how my Daddy got banned from that package store on Rt. 12," Ray groaned.
A few more aisles later…
"GEORGE! CLEAN UP ON AISLE TWELVE!"
"GEORGE! I SWEAR WE WERE NEVER EVEN IN AISLE TWELVE!" Archer shouted.
"We got what we came for…" Ray grumbled.
"And then some," Lana looked at all the alcohol in the cart.
"Can we just go?" Ray moaned.
"Might as well. I don't really see the appeal of this place," Mallory sniffed. "So glad I order my food in."
"I'm sure supermarkets all over feel the same way," Archer remarked.
"And worst of all I haven't gotten a single glimpse of anyone I know," Mallory grumbled.
"That might not be such a bad thing," Lana rolled her eyes.
"Well at least we got supplies for the office," Ray said.
"You do realize that most people don't consider alcohol, bandages, and stickers office supplies right?" Lana asked. "Why did we get stickers anyway?"
"It keeps Cheryl entertained sometimes," Mallory sighed. "All right now how do we pay for these things?"
"The line looks kind of long," Ray said. "There's only two registers open out of twenty. That's just not right."
"Looks like we're going to have to use the self-checkouts," Lana sighed.
"The what?" Mallory blinked.
"Self-checkouts," Lana said. "You have to ring up your items and pay for them using one of those machines."
"Are you telling me that we are expected to not only pick out our own items and shove them around like field hands, we have to be our own checkout clerks as well?" Mallory was stunned. "Can't the baggers do that?"
"You have to bag your own items too," Lana explained.
"That's a joke right?" Mallory did a double take. "Dear God! No wonder the unemployment rate in this country is so high! I mean I get cost effectiveness but this is ridiculous!"
"All the jobs are being taken by machines Mother," Archer shrugged.
"This has nothing to do with your stupid cyborg phobia, Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "This is a prime example of the decline of this country's values!"
"I would have thought not paying people to do a job was in tune with your values," Ray remarked.
"Some things just can't be done by a machine," Mallory glared at him. "Look who I'm talking to…"
"You know…?" Ray glared at her.
"Whatever happened to creating jobs in this country?" Mallory tisked. "This is why young people that live in the ghettos turn to crime!"
"Yeah it's every inner city kid's dream to be a checkout clerk," Lana rolled her eyes.
"And when they can't find jobs they become drug dealers!" Mallory said triumphantly, completely missing Lana's sarcasm.
"What was your excuse?" Ray asked Mallory.
"I refuse to do this," Mallory folded her arms in disgust. "Someone has to take a stand!"
"Fine! We'll do it!" Lana rolled her eyes. "Not like we didn't think we weren't anyway…"
"No! We are not!" Mallory snapped. "We are going to be properly waited on by a real person even if someone has to die to do so!"
"She's speaking figuratively right?" Ray blinked.
"Uh…" Archer blinked. "I'm not sure. This is exactly her mindset when she insisted on picking out our New Year's roast in a butcher's shop…And it ended very, very badly…"
"Look there's a register about to open," Lana pointed. "I'm sure we won't have to wait very long."
"You've got that right," Mallory shoved Ray aside and grabbed the handle of the shopping cart. "Move it Princess Powderpuff! I'm taking control!"
Mallory then maneuvered the cart the same way Mario Andretti handled a racecar. Shoving aside and in some cases ramming other carts in her way. "MOVE IT OR LOSE IT!" Mallory shouted.
"Wow. For someone who's never pushed a shopping cart before, she's a natural," Archer blinked.
"I've heard of road rage but never shopping cart rage," Ray remarked.
"Remind me to never let AJ ride with her while she's driving," Lana winced as Mallory knocked over one person and his shopping cart.
"Oh dear God," Mallory panted as she made her way to the checkout first. "Now I know why there are so many heart attacks and why so many people have back problems!"
She thought for a second. "I'm really learning a lot today!"
"So are you going to put the items on the counter or what?"
Mallory raised a disdainful eye at the young man behind the counter. The fact that he had an unkempt brown beard, long dreadlocked hair and was clearly white with a slight tan wearing green plaid and a green apron did not meet with her approval.
"Can I catch my breath first?" Mallory snapped as she started putting items on the counter. "No, no! Don't bother to help! I can see you're so busy standing around there!"
"So I'm guessing you want to choose between paper or plastic?" The cashier asked in a bored tone.
"I have cash so I won't be using my credit card today," Mallory told him.
"I was asking if you wanted paper or plastic bags," The cashier corrected her. "Since I see you don't have bag."
"Of course I do! This is Chanel!" Mallory showed him. "One of a limited edition I might add."
"I meant a tote bag!" The cashier snapped.
"Is that a new designer?" Mallory blinked.
"No, it's a bag for carrying your groceries in," Lana said. "They help reduce waste and are good for the environment."
Mallory gave her a look. "Are you telling me that on top of wandering around looking for items like a cavewoman gathering berries…And shoving this cart around like a coal miner now I'm expected to bring my own bags to carry out the goods I buy? What kind of whack job came up with that idea?"
"Well maybe they carry designer tote bags?" Archer asked.
"Oh do you have something from Coach or Chanel?" Mallory asked.
"No," The cashier said.
"How about Louis Vuitton?" Mallory asked.
"No, the bags say Earth Mart," The cashier said. "And they're ten dollars apiece."
"Wait…are you telling me that I have to pay an additional ten dollars to carry out the groceries I'm already paying for…" Mallory did a double take. "So your damn store can get some free advertising?"
"It's called doing our part to help the environment," The cashier said.
"It's called a rip off!" Mallory snapped. "No thank you! Just put the bags in the regular free bags!"
The clerk was exasperated. "Oh so you'd rather use some bags made of paper cut down from our rapidly depleting forests? Or even worse, plastic bags that are non-biodegradable and will pollute the planet for hundreds of years?"
"Whatever floats your boat, John Muir nothing but a big mouth!" Mallory snapped. "See what I did? I recycled a name and some words. I did my part."
"Do you even care about the environment at all?" The clerk snapped.
"I'm assuming that is a rhetorical question," Mallory gave him a look.
"Great! Someone get me some bags because this woman doesn't have a tote bag!" The clerk snapped loudly. He spoke into a microphone. "Say can we get some dead trees up on register nine? Because someone thinks they're too good to carry her own tote bag."
"And double time it!" Mallory grabbed the microphone and shouted into it. "I don't have all day!"
"Oh this is so embarrassing," Ray groaned as people started to point and stare.
"Mallory I'll buy the tote bag," Lana sighed.
"You will do no such thing!" Mallory snapped. "I'm not going to pay one more dime than I have to!"
"Everyone else at this store brought tote bags," The clerk sniffed.
"I am Mallory Archer," Mallory glared. "I am not like anyone else!"
"No, she is not…" Ray sighed.
"No argument there," Lana agreed.
"Buddy seriously…" Archer tried to warn the cashier. "Just let it go this once."
"Oh I should let it go?" The cashier snapped.
"YES!" Archer, Ray and Lana said at once.
"So I should just let go the decline and rape of Mother Earth, just because this old bag refuses to use a tote bag?" The cashier snapped.
"WHAT?" Mallory snarled.
"And that's how he died," Lana quipped.
"Never try to publicly shame a woman who has no shame," Ray winced.
"Oh dear God," Archer gulped as he remembered. "This is going to be the butcher shop on Christmas break all over again."
FLASHBACK TO SEVERAL YEARS AGO!
"AAAAAHHH!" A butcher lay on the floor writing in agony, holding a bloody hand. Nine year old Archer looked in horror as he saw the man's thumb on the floor beside him.
"I warned you!" A much younger Mallory snarled as she held her bloody switchblade. "I warned you what would happen if I caught you putting your thumb on the scale! Let's see you try that again!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Christmas when I was nine was not a happy one…" Archer sighed. "For so many reasons…"
"What happened?" Lana obviously didn't see the flashback in Archer's mind.
"You don't want to know…" Archer groaned. "But I have a feeling you're going to see a live action replay. I just hope she doesn't have her switchblade on her."
"You'd better get your manager down here," Mallory glared at the cashier. "With a ton of plastic bags and an apology for your appalling behavior!"
"Plastic bags? Those aren't recyclable!" The checkout man huffed.
"Well neither is your attitude!" Mallory snapped. "Whatever happened to 'The Customer Is Always Right'?"
"Mother as much as I love it when you make a spectacle disciplining the help," Archer began.
"The what?" The cashier yelled.
"This isn't exactly the kind of attention you want from your peers," Archer pointed at the growing crowd of people watching them. "Especially when people think you're with me."
"Because it brings down your batting average doesn't it?" Ray guessed correctly.
"You have no idea," Archer groaned.
"Oh please!" Mallory scoffed at the crowd. "You're all acting like judgmental sheep because this environmental thing is just the latest fad! You'd all be burning trees and dancing around naked sacrificing a goat if some celebrity did it!"
Mallory sniffed. "And by the smell of it some of you are already into that!"
"Here we go…" Ray groaned.
"I tell you the quality of service has gone sharply downhill nowadays!" Mallory bristled. "Back in my day shop folk knew their place! They were well groomed, polite and accommodating and performed their tasks befitting their station and certainly had enough manners not to talk so disrespectfully to their betters!"
"Their…betters? Knew their place? Where are you from? The Middle Ages?" The cashier snapped.
"That's pretty much where her mentality is rooted in," Archer admitted.
"In my day if a common shop person even hinted at raising their voice to a customer, not only would he be fired, he'd be severely beaten!" Mallory shouted. "Which is what I should do to you right now!"
"Oh please!" The cashier snorted. "You're not going to do anything you decrepit old…"
Just then Mallory leapt across the counter with the agility of a bionic ocelot and tackled the clerk. "AAAAAAAAHHHH!" The clerk screamed like a little girl.
"This will teach you manners you punk!" Mallory shouted as she started to beat up the cashier. "Hey! I've got something in my handbag that's recyclable!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"OH MY GOD!" Archer screamed. "SHE STILL HAS HER SWITCHBLADE!"
"HA HA HA HA HA!" Mallory cackled as she held a lock of hair in her hand.
"Mallory no! Mother! Stop!" Archer and Lana tried to stop Mallory.
Several security personnel ran up at the same time. Two of them made the mistake of trying to grab Archer and Lana. "HEY! WATCH THE HANDS!" Lana punched one of the security guards. "Oops…Sorry…"
"I'm trying to stop my mother from hurting someone asshole!" Archer shouted as he punched one guard repeatedly.
"HELP ME! OH GOD HELP ME!" The cashier screamed.
"STOP WHINING! I'M JUST GIVING YOU A HAIRCUT! AND A SHAVE!" Mallory shouted.
"AAAAAAAHHHH!" The cashier screamed again.
"Oh my God!" A young woman gasped as more security personnel and a few cashiers got into the brawl. "Who are these maniacs?"
"I have no idea who these people are," Ray said innocently. "Excuse me…" He backed away smoothly. Just as the sounds of sirens were heard.
"OH MY GOD!" The cashier screamed. "AAAHHHH!"
"OH STOP WHINING!" Mallory shouted. "You act like you've never been stabbed before!"
The following day…
"I can't believe you ran off like the little robot girl you are and left us!" Mallory shouted at Ray in her office. Lana and Archer were there as well.
"Oh so you wanted to spend a night in jail?" Ray snapped. "You're lucky I did run and called Ron to bail you out! And luckier he convinced the store to drop the charges!"
"And didn't I get an earful of that when I got home!" Mallory threw up her hands. "Ron still won't shut up about it! It was all why can't you control your temper? Do you think I'm made out of money? You do you want to get thrown in jail for good this time? Meh! Meh! MEH!"
"On top if it all there is no way I am ever going to get laid in that store," Archer grumbled. "And they had some pretty decent looking servers in the café!"
"Which is a moot point considering we're all banned from Earth Mart for life," Lana groaned.
"And Trudy Beekman will crow like the fattest rooster in the barnyard!" Mallory snapped. "Unable to contain herself around those clucking hens she calls her cronies! Who will spread this gossip around and damage my reputation!"
"And let's face it Mother," Archer said. "That's not exactly in pristine condition as it is."
"That's nothing compared to what the CIA will do if they hear about it!" Lana groaned. "If they haven't already!"
"Oh please! It's the weekend! Those CIA assholes probably just snuck out early," Archer said. "Almost nobody spies on the weekend!"
"Just because you don't doesn't mean other agents don't do it!" Ray snapped.
"That's probably why so many spies get burnout," Archer shrugged. "Besides we all know from the many, many, many times Mother's called the CIA that they don't even bother to answer their phones from us on a weekend."
"That's true," Lana said. "They hate us so much they pretty much ignore us after Friday."
"What about Monday morning?" Ray asked.
"Then we might have a problem," Archer winced.
"We'll have more than that if the CIA finds out about this latest…mishap," Mallory growled.
"Mishap? You scalped a cashier at an Earth Mart," Ray gave her a look.
"I didn't scalp him! Technically!" Mallory protested. "I only cut his hair. And his beard. And slashed his uniform. And gave him a few cuts on his arms and hands. But his actual scalp was left untouched! So no, I did not scalp him!"
"You just attacked and stabbed him," Archer remarked. "And started a small brawl in the checkout. Oh and you did kick that security guy which…Yeah I think that might not go over well with the CIA."
"YOU THINK?" Mallory shouted. "I barely managed to cover our asses with some of the other disasters we've had! The Krieglin incident was easy, I just said the KGB sent a hit squad after us. They bought that, considering our history with them. But some of the other incidents…Like the time I had to convince them we had nothing to do with the four fires started within a four block radius the day Miss Gillette here got her wings."
"Four? I thought there was only three?" Archer asked. "Oh no, Carol didn't set another one of her mystery fires again did she?"
"No, this other one was Krieger's fault," Mallory grumbled. "One of his exploding mice resurfaced down the block. Fortunately it only destroyed one of those mini grocery marts run by some immigrant that keep popping up all over the place."
"Those things are still around?" Archer asked. "That was like a few years ago. Man they must have figured out how to breed or something."
"Are you sure it was the exploding mice?" Lana asked.
"According to the newspaper the owners swore they heard squeaking before the explosion so yes…" Mallory sighed. "Like I said some of the problems we have can go away if we just pretend they never happened."
"Well it's not like this problem will go away overnight," Lana remarked. "Especially since they have the security footage in their offices."
Then Mallory stopped and had a thought. "No…It won't…Sterling. Lana! You're dismissed! Ray I want a word with you!"
"Okay! Goodbye!" Archer said as he and Lana got up to quickly leave.
"You're just leaving me here?" Ray snapped.
"Yuuuuuuuuuuup," Lana said as they walked away quickly.
"Great…" Ray gulped as he looked at Mallory's evil glare.
"Ray…You're good at fetching people. I want you to go and bring Krieger to my office," Mallory ordered. "And Cheryl…Discreetly."
"Oh this will not end well…" Ray groaned as he went to do so.
The following Monday…
"Have you guys seen all the shelves in here?" Archer remarked as he looked in the cabinets in the break room. "I've never seen the break room so well stocked! Ever!"
"Uh huh…" Ray sighed as he tried to read a newspaper. With the exception of Mallory most of the agency was relaxing in the break room.
"And there's some really good paper towels in here," Archer remarked as he looked at the items. "High quality napkins…Wait…A lot of these have the Earth Mart brand. Hang on…"
"Uh guys…?" Pam pointed to the black and white TV in the room.
"Tragedy struck early Sunday morning as the new Earth Mart exploded into a ball of flames," A female reporter spoke on camera. "Although there were no injuries for fatalities, the damage was catastrophic as nothing survived."
"The Earth Mart blew up? Wait a minute…" Lana did a double take. "Hang on…"
"Authorities believe that the explosion was caused by a simple gas leak," The reporter spoke off camera as a smoldering blaze was shown.
"Simpler than you know," Krieger grinned.
"He! He! He!" Cheryl cackled madly.
"Do I want to know?" Lana asked.
"Do you want to be charged as an accessory to arson after the fact?" Ray sighed.
"No, I do not," Lana sighed.
"WAIT YOU BLEW UP A SUPERMARKET?" Archer shouted as his mother walked in.
"Way to go Archer…" Lana groaned. "Now we're all accessories after the fact!"
"Well that's one way to foster team spirit in a workplace environment," Pam spoke up. Everyone glared at her. "Inappropes."
"I hate my life so much…" Cyril groaned.
"This is why I didn't bring you," Mallory looked at Archer. "I didn't want your big mouth getting me in trouble again!"
"Not that it would do any good because if the CIA finds out we destroyed a supermarket we are in huge trouble!" Ray grumbled.
"Oh quit whining Ramona," Mallory waved. "I did pay you and Krieger twenty thousand dollars each to help."
"What about Cheryl?" Lana asked.
"I paid her sixty thousand so I could blow it up!" Cheryl squealed.
"It seemed like a win-win," Mallory admitted with a shrug.
"So you blew up a supermarket because the employees humiliated you?" Lana gave Mallory a look. "Not to mention cover your tracks so the CIA won't find out?"
"And to make sure Trudy Beekman and her fat friends couldn't crow about going somewhere I can't over me," Mallory shrugged. "What? It's not like there was anyone inside when we blew up the place."
"And we did steal a lot of coffee, liquor and other supplies before we destroyed it," Krieger added. "So we don't have to worry about running out of office supplies for a while."
"I thought the toilet paper in the men's room was softer than usual," Cyril realized.
"Yeah we got the four ply," Krieger nodded.
"That really did feel good against my ass crack," Pam nodded.
"There was plenty of products in there we needed. Why let it go to waste?" Mallory nodded. "Again, win-win!"
"Why is it when we win-win I feel like I'm losing my sanity?" Ray groaned.