A/N: Came to me as another Zosia/Colette one-shot and because I've watched 'Fathers Day' again because it's a good episode but also there's the awkward convo about cigarettes and Zosia's mum it's cute but also awkward. Anyway been on my mind a lot so I hope it's OK. It's kind of how grief can go from missing the person to deeper thoughts I guess :/ and I love Colette and Zosia if Zosia gave her a chance I reckon they would get on quite well,
Zosia P.O.V.
Teardrops that's what was happening outside, the sky was crying or if you want to be technical it's raining. Though my mama to stop me being afraid of bad weather told me the sky was crying and needed cheering up, so when the sun came out it was making it better and when the rain came back the sky was sad again, but of course as I got older I discovered it was just weather and nothing to do with sky being sad or happy; when my mama first got ill I was two, I can't remember much other than dad 'Guy' pandering me off with anyone he could find, not being at home and crying each night amazing what traumas your can remember more than happy memories, my nana was always sad when mama was ill, people used to yell at me as I got in the way, 'Guy' would be sad and he would refuse to look after me. I remember if I look back enough and in a quiet place him saying 'She has her eyes' and then handing me to Benson, who then handed me to Jenny, who then passed me onto a nurse who ran the nursery. Just imagine 'father', stranger, stranger, even more of a stranger and being there for hours, not knowing anyone and staying down there watching parents pick up their children, whilst I'm there until gone dark and then finally until someone kicked Guy's arse into shape he came and got me. Remembering all this because half of my childhood was spent via being pushed from pillar to post and not being able to talk to anyone because I'm this privileged spoilt little brat, who was just ungrateful and should feel proud her 'father' fixes people. Just try being his daughter I say that a lot, imagine having finally spent ages convincing him to talk to you, the nurse comes up and pulls him away, or your old mentor not believing I wanted to do Psychiatry but was it a way to get at my 'father'. Or patients taking priority, then losing my temper on Darwin was just the final straw, I kicked off lots as a child and a teenager, my dad used to swing me over his shoulder when I was younger if I kicked off, even as a teenager he would still do it, then when I turned twenty I kicked off big time at him and he still carried me out I can't even remember why I kicked off, but all I know is that mama was less than impressed. Anyway it's still raining or crying outside, and I'm inside on Keller watching the rain pound against the window 'Drip, drip, drop, little April showers' if you've ever seen Bambi you would know that song, and that's exactly what is happening now April showers, I made lots of April showers after mama died, losing her is finally hitting me I may live with people but I feel so alone, alone like I never have done before.
Mama was there for me when I was hurt, scared, even when I was ill and she was well she would look after me, sing to me tell me I was going to be OK I remember With Or Without You when I was younger. I remember Elvis, Sex Pistols, Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Classical, Polish, and yet when I hear Elvis especially 'Love Me Tender' Mama comes to mind and I feel sad because that's how it is Mama loved Elvis and at her funeral he played and I never cried at the actual funeral I cried on my own, in the toilets at the wake. No one found me thank god but I wanted mama's hugs, her to soothe me, tell me it's OK not to worry but I was crying over mama being gone.
Since last April I blocked the pain of it out, until Guy came to work and it bought it back: then when Elliot forced me to give my notebook in I had to explain; why I had noted down every word he said since I met him. Then when Colette said 'Your mum would've been pleased' bought me back to the time she discovered I was smoking, both mama and Guy saw it as a rebellion from the age of thirteen I went wild: dying my hair random colours, changing my style, though somehow despite everything I came top at everything in classes, Science, English, Maths, Music, Drama both were suggested I take to get rid of the 'negative energy' I was experiencing, I even took up P.E. and that I hated favourite subject in school was always Maths because it was different numbers not letters, unless you count Algebra; equations not quotes to pick out and it was an escapism I was the rebellious geek, least I shifted the ''Daddy's Girl' nickname since until I finally discovered what kind of man he was I worshiped him, now I'm twenty-six an adult, nearly thirty I shiver at the thought. Thirty! Doesn't feel right I feel I'm still a hormonal teenager half the time and I can't see the harm in me venting my anger, whilst others: Colette (the Rottweiler), Arthur (I guess you could say he's my fuck buddy), Elliot, Dom doesn't seem to mind, Guy (my boss/estranged father who I hate and it's clear we don't get on).
So Keller the GS Ward the ward I work on because that's where my Psych lectures are, though I'm not in the mood in fact I just want to sit in the staffroom forever and wonder what life would be like if Mama was still here, Leukaemia killed her and there was nothing I could do, they told me those who worked in the place mama when she died that treatment was not an option it was too far gone for treatment, she had picked up various infections as well, yet somehow despite all that she put on a brave face during her birthday, smiled at me, no indication she was ill…I don't think….mama was a beautiful, loving, caring, kind person who would bend over backwards to make sure her loved ones were safe. I never knew the first donor of bone marrow the time when I was two she got a donor quite quick and she got better quickly of course I was two I never understood: mama's ill, she's sore, she's tired, I hadn't seen her for ages I wanted cuddles and she allowed it despite being in pain and feeling tired she allowed me to sit with her, and at two, you're still quite clingy to your mother, so that's what I was I clung onto her because I felt she was going to go away again, and when I was nine she took another turn the donor again was quick and it was successful until I woke up and my granddad was there he looked very distracted sat by the fire, reading the paper I asked what was wrong, he answered 'Your mother's gone back to hospital, your father's told me to look after you…so just go play', you can see where my dad gets his 'sentiments' from of course. Then she came back home well again for years she was fine, until obviously last year when it came back, I was at university, studying for final exams when I could've been there I could've helped. I try and shake the thought out of my head, I try to shake out the image of mama ill I can imagine her pale, drained of all energy, scared, alone especially if Guy had decided 'patients meant more than his dying wife' and I imagine her in the bed hooked up to pain medication, possibly forgetting everything too. Forgetting she had a daughter, a husband, a family, a home, I imagine her confused and wanting Guy but he's in theatre and by the time he gets there it's too late, she's gone forever. I try to shake the images but they're there mama is pale, mama is crying, mama is wanting her husband and she then slips off peacefully alone.
I jump as the door opens and it's Sacha, before I show my emotions I quickly grab my notebook and run out, "Doctor March?" I hear him call as I rush out and out of Keller, dodging trollies and porters and I find myself near the stairs that lead to the roof, the roof lots of things happen on roofs at hospitals suicides, attempting suicides, I can imagine people falling and feeling happy they will hit the ground and never come back, unless by luck a massive cushion will catch them and that will never happen. Did both Guy and myself deserve to lose her? Maybe he didn't but payback for all the tantrums and pathetic strops I had, maybe because I never respected my dad it's punishment, I open the notebook and write: Mama died because I was evil! I deserve pain! I bought it on myself!, No one actually cares for me they have to be nice, they're all scared despite they know my hatred they're all scared apart from Elliot, that I am a spy imagine if he never turned up I would just be Zosia March, a new start my change of surname was supposed to be, to bring me close to my mother but since she has been gone all it's done is bought out the 'Guy' in me, more and more: I'm pig headed (like him), I have no empathy for other people (Doctor Digby's words), I'm a spoilt little brat who lost her Barbie doll (Yeah I heard….Elliot had his door open and Colette wasn't exactly discrete in telling him, what she felt about me) and I am apparently arrogant, a control freak, if I'm all that why do people like me? Because of him, him in the big chair, behind the desk. It's all his fault and I shouldn't of even been born; as he said when I was thirteen I was a mistake, he never wanted me, so I'm still here because? Am I loved? No, am I liked? No, am I all this and still here? So yes I shall go on the roof and consider my future, though nothing to consider I'm not loved my mama was the only one who loved me and look what happened there! Everyone I love is taken from me and what's the point in staying around if everyone else I love somehow will leave?! I suddenly find myself climbing the stairs and step onto the tall flat room and walk towards the edge and climb over the bars, before stopping and looking down everything is so low down and I can feel the wind hurting my ears and stinging my face but I don't care, it's not as bad as the sting in my heart which is there as everyone I love is gone, and keeps going.
….
Colette P.O.V.
AAU is surprisingly quiet so obviously there's been emergencies or anything like that, I shouldn't have had all that wine with Guy and two others, loads of people mistake our friendship in fact even when his wife was alive a rumour went round Northchurch that we had slept together, in the store cupboard correct me if I'm wrong, even I have more class than that. Guy and myself wouldn't work neither would I want it to work, and we wouldn't even go out, he's my friend and I'm his friend, he was there for me through times and I've been there for him so when people say we have something going on, it's a complete lie. Zosia though is a complete different story she's a spoilt little brat who can't let things go, yet I can't help but feel sorry for her and feel the need to try and rebuild her relationship with her father as they need each other, I see how depressed it makes Guy and I can see in Zosia's eyes she's just a girl who needs her father, but she refuses to say and that's when they clash as each time he tries to get closer, she goes further and it ends up in disaster. I find myself looking at Dr Tressler and Mary-Claire smiling lightly as despite their feud they made up, really not sure how though but I believe it had something to do with that dog he had in Albi's, then my attention is drawn from the young doctor and nurse to a worried looking Mr Levy.
"Have any of you seen Dr March? She ran out of Keller looking upset and I haven't been able to find her," as I hear that I shake my head, probably just Zosia being Zosia but then I realise the month and the date, "And I'm quite worried she looked close to tears."
"Urmm just to let you all know there's someone on the roof," A familiar Scottish accent appeared and I turn around to find Jonny Maconie stood by the desk now, why alarms bells go off I don't know but I feel a strange connection; Zosia's upset and there's someone on the roof.
"I'll sort it," I finally get words out and stand up facing the nurse, "Leave it to too me."
Zosia P.O.V.
It starts to rain the air heightening my senses the smell of rain and whatever is in the air, stronger than they are when down on the ground amazing how things can smell stronger when at a higher altitude, I look down and there's people gathering round I see raspberry red and sky blue and I see in the clouds forming shapes, I look up and close my eyes my heart is racing, my throat is hurting due to the crying feeling I am trying to avoid and my ears are hurting due to the pressure I breathe in the air and take a step further, before I hear someone shouting.
…
Guy's P.O.V.
I'm stood in Pulses when a lot of people started to rush outside, I decide to check it out, abandoning my Latte and followed behind Mary-Claire who was dashing out with Harry not far behind, they cup their hands over their eyes and look up, I do the same and I feel my heart stop and I realise who's up there and my first instinct is to call her I dash near the cars and look up, I know it's her I can tell, "Zosia!" I shout and I worry I may startle her but she looks down and steps a bit closer, I feel helpless she's up there and I'm down here, I breathe out and run back in not waiting for the lift, I run up the stairs as quick as I can; though I think twice of going to find her I may cause her to jump if she sees me, I'm her dad I shouldn't think twice so I forget my medical brain and dash further up, how had it come to this?
Colette P.O.V.
I reach the doors to the roof and step on there before running towards the rails, "Zosia," I call and she says nothing, so I step one leg over straddling on the rail and she turns her head.
"Stay away Colette," she says in a deadly tone and it's one I know too well, "Just go."
"I can't do that Zosia I can't leave you here," I approach the subject carefully and tactfully, the number of years I've known Zosia, since she was two to be precise I remember her as the innocent two year old who would've done anything to cling onto Guy and now she would do anything to avoid him, "Zosia please," I say calmly and softly.
"You don't like me you only have to like me," Zosia shakes her head and I see from the corner of her eye, the whites of her eyes tinting red.
"Zosia please come down from there," I know it's a stupid request as I know it's going to take more than asking Zosia, to get her to come down.
"Why?!" She shouts as she looks down and takes another step forward, "What's the point? No one likes me…they have to like me, all because of him," I know who she means of course I do, "You don't like me at all…I'm so horrible."
"Zosia you are not horrible…you're just angry and upset," I try to understand the twenty-six year old woman in front of me.
"No I'm I quote: Spoilt little brat who's just lost her Barbie doll," as she quotes that I realise she heard me, giving Guy the third degree and I realise how that sounded, she's not lost her Barbie doll she's lost her mother and is grieving, but doesn't know how, "If I'm so liked then why does everyone I love leave me?!"
"It's not those who love you wanting to leave you," I finally step myself over the rail and I realise how close she is to the edge, one more step she could lose her balance and that would be it, "It's the case of those not having a choice."
"Mama left me…it's a punishment for all those years of acting like a brat it's finally happening…who's it going to be next?" Zosia says so quiet that I found it hard to make out, "And I don't deserve to live!"
"Zosia you listen to me and you listen to me now…you're the bravest smartest person I know, despite your brattiness Zosia, I've known you since you were little…I'm not going to let you do this."
"I'm like him…I've turned into him…but he does it with charm, everyone loves him but they all hate me! He comes in and it all comes back to me!" she looks down further, I feel my heart racing in my chest and it beats hard, "What if she was alone when she died?"
"Zosia your mother wasn't alone," I try to reassure and I see she's refusing to believe, "Your dad held her hand and didn't leave her side…Benson and I we had to force him away to shave and take a shower…she wasn't alone Zosh she had your dad by her side."
"I could've helped her…if I had known sooner," Zosia shakes her head and I see tears pouring out the sides of her eyes.
"No…Zosh your mother was far too ill…bone marrow wasn't an option she was far too ill," I have to fight my own emotions back as I remember saying goodbye, I guess Zosia envies me as I got to say goodbye and she didn't. I remember Zosia storming into Northchurch after getting the train and hitting her hands against the desk demanding to know where Guy was, she didn't look twenty-five then she looked five a scared five year old who was wanting answered, "You wanted answers when you came to Northchurch ones I couldn't give you at the time…if you come down I will tell you."
"You're lying!" she turns her to me her eyes red, glassy, and I swallow the lump in my throat, "You're lying," she says darkly again and I shake my head, "You didn't give me answers then why would you give to me now?!"
"Because it wasn't my place at the time!" I shout and Zosia shakes her adrenaline was wearing off I can tell, she had come up here from adrenaline, and now it was wearing off and I want to know what she is thinking, "I know how you feel Zosh."
Zosia P.O.V.
I'm stood here feeling my heart rate slow down, I look at the nurse trying to get me to come back, "How can you possibly know?" I feel the cold as my teeth chatter, "You've never lost anyone you love," I assume I don't know that but I'm confused.
Colette sighs and shakes her head, "When I was your age…I lost my mum to breast cancer which had spread to her lungs, she was peaceful just like your mum was, but a year later after I started working at Northchurch I was quite close to your mum…I think I got close to her because I lost my own…when I found out your mother was ill and they were looking donors, they wanted you to be tested but your mother refused to have you tested, so I secretly got myself tested and then I caught them arguing over you getting tested, so I shoved the test results on the desk, I was prepared to do anything because I couldn't have you grow up without a mother…then when it came back when you were nine-"
"You were the reason they found a donor so quickly?" I ask shocked I had never known this and I turn my head back to the front and look down I'm shaking my adrenaline is wearing off, I'm finding it hard to breathe as I want to cry.
"I fell out with my dad afterwards….do not let you and Guy become like my father and myself…." Colette says so desperately and I turn my head back to her, "He died two years ago…that's why I left for ages…Guy loves you Zosh he wants to make things right."
I take in her words and I turn my head back again to the ground, everyone is still looking and I feel my legs about to collapse as I feel so weak and emotionally drained, I look at the sky and take a step back, my legs so weak that when I fall back I feel arms grab me and I turn around and allow her to hold me, as I feel her breathing out with relief, I cry.
Colette P.O.V.
As I grab her I feel her body collapsing on me she's emotionally drained, confused, hurt, angry, upset, sad, alone, scared and all I can do is tell her it will be OK because that's all I can do, "It's OK," I say quietly and I then turn my head as I see Guy stepping onto the roof he looks relieved that his daughter is OK but he knows their relationship is still far from OK.
A/N: I have a few more depressing fanfics on my mind, I don't know why this came to mind and it made me sad whilst writing, grief is different for everyone I know. Anyway reviews are welcome xx