A/N: Just a small coda to ep 12.03. Warnings include panic attacks. There is a companion fic to this from the PoV of Sam, named, unbelievably enough, as "you are my sunshine". It's genfic. You can find it on my author page.

Thank you to my amazing bb, remy_areyousrs/Naila for the beta and my other amazing bb, SPNxBookworm/Sanj for her motivation.

my only sunshine

Sam flinched when Mom left. That's all Dean remembers. After that is a blur and then after a glass of whiskey he'd felt sick, so he went back to his room. They were supposed to eat dinner. He is not hungry now.

All he can think of is how he drove Mom away. Just like he drove away everyone else.

Just like he deserves, probably.

So he gets to his room and stays there. He doesn't know what Sam is doing now, can't get himself to see that look of hurt on Sam's face. He can't stomach that his brother lost someone because of him.

This was supposed to be punishment only for Dean. Not Sam. So he can't face his brother. Not today.

Probably not ever.

He stays on in his room and thinks and thinks and thinks of what an asshole he is.

~o~

Dean is facedown on his pillow when he feels the soft touch on his arm. At first, he thinks it's Sam, and he wants to ask, to beg Sam for just a moment, just a moment more to himself (even though he's had several), but the hand slides down to his forearm, squeezing him, and Dean is turning around, knowing exactly who it is.

"Dean."

Cas's voice is soft, concerned, and Dean's mattress dips under Cas's weight.

Dean tries to smile, but can't. "Hey."

"I heard your prayer," Cas tells him. "You haven't prayed in a long time."

Dean swallows. He'd wanted to call Cas but he didn't think he could have held it together on the phone. He takes a deep breath. "Cas, Mom…" he swallows, eyes prickling, "Mom's gone."

Cas looks stricken for a moment but he doesn't reply. Dean turns away from him. "I… I guess this was not what she wanted—me and Sam—"

"I understand," Cas says quietly.

Dean grips at his bedcovers. "What?"

"She was having trouble fitting in. She just needs to find her footing. I think you know that."

"Yeah, Cas, but—" everyone leaves me.

"We're always here for you," Cas replies, as if he read Dean's mind. "We will not leave you, Dean." He pauses, voice going down to a murmur as he leans closer to Dean. "I will not leave you."

The tear slides down Dean's temple before he can control it and he is turning over and pulling Cas towards himself, hands cupping his face and their lips meet. He doesn't know why he's doing it, why this feels so natural, except that he needs it right now. He needs Cas to hold him, to touch him, and he just… he just needs it all.

Cas grips Dean's collar, returning the kiss as he straddles Dean, kissing deeply, his other hand stroking Dean's hair, and Dean just drinks it all in, tastes Cas's warm lips and smells his earthy scent until Cas pulls away, resting his forehead against Dean's. They're both a little out of breath and Dean can feel his heart pounding in his chest. It's like his world just righted itself, like everything just slid into place.

Like he found that puzzle piece he's been missing all this time.

Cas gets off Dean gently, hand still on his shoulder and never losing touch and Dean sniffs, raising a hand to wipe his eyes. "I'm – I'm sorry, I…" thanks, Cas.

"I told you, Dean, that I would go with you," Cas says, "when you were about to destroy Amara. I was not lying."

"I know." Dean sniffs. "I just. With Mom…"

"You need to give your mother space, and I think, deep down, you do know that," Cas says, voice calm but reasonable. Dean half expected him to huff or be exasperated at how humans complicate things but he is relieved that Cas understands enough not to use that tone right now. And when Cas speaks again, Dean is not surprised at what he says. "Have you spoken to Sam?"

Dean vaguely remembers Sam's face after their mom left. He definitely remembers the flinch at the door slamming shut, but not much else. He doesn't know where Sam is—if he's sleeping, in the shower, reading, or draining a bottle of whiskey. Whatever it is, he knows he needs to go talk to Sam. He knows he needs to tell him this is not their fault, that their mom left, though, Sam being Sam, probably already knows that. However, he takes Cas's hand and gestures towards Sam's room. "Come on."

~o~

He ends up staying back in Sam's room longer than he expected to. Sam's freaking out when he enters (not in the shower or reading and he's freaking out and fuck, why was Dean so fucking selfish?) and it takes a moment for Dean to not freak at the sight of his brother, curled up, hyperventilating and muttering, but Dean feels Cas squeeze his hand.

"It's all right," Cas whispers. And Dean doesn't know that, fuck, he doesn't know that but he approaches his brother and fucking lets Sam know that Mom might be gone but Dean isn't. He kicks back into big brother mode—what he's been doing all his life—and he hopes he won't fail at this.

"Hey. Hey, hey," he says, barely masking the tremble in his voice. "Come on, buddy, deep breaths." Sam still has him and it's been them and Cas for years now and… and he doesn't know, he doesn't know, but Cas says they're going to be okay and he kinda thinks so but he can't be sure.

He says the same to Sam, though. "We're gonna be okay," he mutters, over and over, with Sam rocking and trembling, and he just wants this to stop, to his world to be as perfect as it was yesterday, or even the day before when Sam and Mom were both here.

"We're gonna be all right," he says again, but he knows Sam doesn't believe him. He's taken Sam's hand and put it over his heart, did it a few minutes ago because he's here and he's alive and Sam needs to breathe and Dean thinks he's losing it, but Cas is there, all along, and then Sam's better, breathing again, and Dean thinks he might not die tonight.

He is relieved when Sam doesn't die, either but he is still shaking when it all settles down. Then he stays on in Sam's room until Sam falls asleep, Cas having retreated to give them some privacy.

Once Sam's breathing has evened out Dean steps out to bring a jug of water and a glass, in case his brother needs it in the morning. Sam's gripping his phone in his sleep and Dean takes it out of his hand and puts it on the bedside cabinet with the water. Then he checks that Sam's all tucked in.

While he's leaving he doesn't shut Sam's door all the way through. He was blind towards what his mother needed and he will not repeat that mistake for Sam. Sam's walked out on him several times. That won't happen again. Dean won't let it.

Dean won't let it.

~o~

Cas is waiting for Dean in his room when he returns. He's lounged on Dean's bed, arms welcoming when Dean's changed into his night clothes and Dean kisses him again, finding warmth in Cas's lips and his embrace until all they have is the sound of their breaths and their hearts beating in sync. When Dean falls asleep, it is in Cas's arms. When he wakes up it is to Cas's voice and his face, and Dean can't stop himself from grinning.

"'Morning, Sunshine," he whispers, and it's somehow just like the last time he said it, and yet, not the same.

Cas replies by kissing Dean's lips again.

When Sam comes to breakfast later on, looking pale and beaten down, Dean goes ahead and grabs his brother in a hug. He doesn't say anything; just feels Sam grip on to him, face buried in his t-shirt, and he reaches to cup Sam's neck before they separate, looking into his brother's eyes and knowing they will sort this out together.

The End

A/N: Reviews are crazy awesome. For more Destiel fanfic, do check out my page. Thank you!