So this is my first Shameless US fic and I apologize for the length. I love Mandy Milkovich and she gives me a lot of feels. This is a character study about Mandy all the way up to 3x09. If you blink, you might miss the Ian x Mickey.
the hallway was where we learned to celebrate
The first family outing Mandy can remember, she'd been three and squished in between her brothers in the back seat of their old car as their dad drove to a liquor store. Her mom was in the front seat, yelling at her dad to "hurry the fuck up, it was too damn cold to be sober". Joey kept kicking her in the shin so she pinched him back while Mickey laughed beside her.
Inside the store, her mom took her hand and led her down an aisle, then picked up a tiny bottle of brown liquid with gold lettering on the front. Smiling, she squatted down so she was closer to Mandy's face. Mandy looked at her mom's smudged lipstick, the yellow bruise around her eye and the dark, limp bangs covering her forehead, and Mandy was positive that no one was more beautiful than her mom.
"Alright, sweetie, let's put this in your pocket," her sing-songy voice always made Mandy feel safe and happy and by the time her mom led her out of that aisle, the pockets of her coat were clinking with several of those small bottles.
She saw her dad yelling at the man behind the counter and then he reached across the counter and started hitting him.
"Jesus Christ Terry," her mom yelled.
"Fuck off Kathy," her dad yelled back.
Mandy looked up and saw her mom smirk and roll her eyes before she yelled for her brothers to get in the car. Mandy climbed in the back seat and her brothers piled in beside her, all of their pockets clinking just like hers were, and her mom snapped her fingers and Iggy gave her a bottle from his coat. She'd already downed half of it by the time her dad got in. Mickey started punching Nicky and Mandy was pushed up against the door as the car squealed out of the lot.
In between the fists of her older brothers and the clinking and thunks of bottles of alcohol that fell to the floor of the car, getting coated in cigarette ashes, Mandy saw her mom slide closer to her dad and hold her bottle up to his mouth. He chuckled, finished off the contents of the bottle, leaned out the window and smashed it on the road, then kissed her.
Mandy smiled.
On the first day of kindergarten she met Ian Gallagher. He stuck out like a sore thumb in their line outside because of his red hair, but Mandy kind of liked it. She's only ever seen dark hair, and that color red reminds her of one of her crayons at home. He's wearing clothes that are too big for him and a little faded and stained, but then so is she. She likes his freckles because she's never seen so many on one person's face.
They are placed at the same table and on that first day they are taught how to spell their first names. Mandy's jealous because Ian already knows how to spell his first, middle and last name and the teacher thought that was pretty special. He tells her it's because he has an older sister and brother who already know how to write. Mandy clamps down her anger because her older brothers didn't teach her anything like that.
Ian, though, helps her. She tells him her full name, Amanda Katherine Milkovich, and he shows her how to make the letters. When she finally gets the hang of it, she crosses out Ian's squiggly 'Amanda' and writes her own very squiggly 'Mandy'.
She took the paper home and showed her dad who just ignored it, but her mom put it on their fridge underneath old unpaid bills, take out menus and things her brothers had done. She tells her mom about Ian Gallagher helping her to spell her name and later Mickey tells her to stay away from Gallaghers.
"Fuckers think they're better than people, especially us." Mickey spun Joey's pocketknife on the table in front of them, before carving a dirty word into the wood. Their mom grabbed it off the table and told Mickey to "shut the fuck up".
But Mandy had always been closest to Mickey. Maybe it was because they were so close in age, only 17 months separating them, or maybe it was because Mickey was always looking out for her when they played outside, or maybe because Mickey always had a way of simplifying things so they made sense to Mandy, but in the end she trusted him and she knew she would always trust him. So if he said the Gallaghers were fuckers, then they were fuckers.
The next day, Mandy tripped Ian in the snack line and called him a fucker, which got her sent home. When Mickey got home from school, he let her have dibs on the TV remote and she took that to mean he was proud of her.
When Mandy was six she learned what a crack whore was.
Three girls from her first grade class had cornered her in the bathroom. Her head snapped back against the wall from the push and strands of her hair were pulled out when one of them stole her new hair clip. They said she and her entire family were trash, along with a bunch of words Mandy didn't understand.
That was also the day she learned that part of being a Milkovich meant that if you came home with a black eye, the person who gave it to you better be even more fucked up in the end. At least, that was what her dad yelled at her to remember for the next time.
Mandy was sitting on her bed with her knees curled up against her chest when Mickey walked in, smoking one of their dad's cigarettes.
"Did you cry?" he kicked some of her shoes out of the way before sitting on the floor. Mandy shook her head.
"Good," Mickey nodded, pulling a sharpie out of his pocket. "This happens again, you hit them harder than they hit you."
"'Kay," Mandy hesitated, biting her lip. "Mickey?" He made a noise, too busy already writing the words 'fuck', 'shit' and 'bitch' all over her sneakers. "What's a crack whore?"
Mickey didn't say anything, just blew smoke out of his nose, and continued writing on her shoes, making 'crack whore' stand out in all capitals and adding a drawing of a little fist with the middle finger raised. He tossed her shoes aside and smashed his cigarette into her carpet before standing to leave her room.
He stopped at the door and faced her. "Mom. Mom's a crack whore." And with that, he shut the door.
The next day, Mandy wore the shoes Mickey had written all over to school. She saw one of those girls, Cassie, wearing her hair clip and she remembered 'crack whore' and she felt her face get hot and her chest tighten. At lunch, she calmly walked over to the jump rope area and when Cassie was taking her turn jumping to Vodka Soda, Mandy grabbed the end of the rope and pulled hard.
The concrete landing gave that girl a gash on her chin and a broken nose. Later, as she sat waiting in the principal's office, Mandy clutched her hair clip in her hands and smirked at Cassie being bandaged up across the hall in the nurses' office.
Later on that night when she sat on the couch, pressed against her mom's side, listening as Mickey described to her brothers again in detail all the blood and tears he witnessed from Mandy knocking that bitch flat on her face, she felt like she'd taken back some piece of her mom too.
Mandy loved being home sick from school. Besides her birthday, those were her favorite days. When Mandy was in second grade, she got the flu and had to stay home for a whole week. Her dad was back in jail, though no one would really tell her why. Her mom just winked at her and said, "He's just away for bit." She didn't mind. She had learned early on that her dad going to jail meant no bruises on her mom's face, her brothers not getting smacked around, and no one yelling at her. Her brothers were at school, or wherever the hell they went, and Mandy got to spend all day with her mom.
These days were her favorite because she could tell her mom tried. She tried to keep the drinking to just at night when she knew Mandy would be asleep and she tried to keep the pills and the needles out of sight while they watched crappy daytime TV.
On the fourth day of being sick, Mandy woke on the couch to music playing in the kitchen. She sat up and saw her mom's thin frame dancing around their tiny kitchen, stirring something in a bowl. Her mom was singing loudly and Mandy laughed. Her mom danced her way over to the couch and got close, singing in her face and Mandy ignored her liquor breath.
"Come on, this is my favorite song, baby girl." Her mom grabbed her hands and swung her in their living room, bumping things off shelves and singing at the top of her lungs. They ate breakfast in the hallway by her room, her mom's long legs folded against the wall, the same song playing over and over in the background until Mandy had it memorized. After they finished eating, the two of them just lay down in the hallway, her mom running her smudged fingers through Mandy's hair, and Mandy sang her mom's favorite song in her ear until she fell asleep.
A few weeks later when her dad came home, the bottles and pills and needles made their reappearance and Mandy didn't see her mom dance or hear her sing again.
Joey had found her first. It had been summer, before Mandy was supposed to start fourth grade. She and her brothers had been outside, and after setting off the sprinklers, they'd run around chasing each other. Well, they did the chasing, Mandy just tried to stay far enough out of reach before one of them gave her a titty twister.
They'd been passing around a water bottle filled with their dad's whiskey, and Joey had gone inside for a refill and Mandy wrung some water from her shirt when she heard Joey yell, "Shit!"
Everything after that, she remembers in flashes. She remembers Mickey running up the steps to the back door before anyone else, she remembers seeing empty alcohol and pill bottles on the floor by the couch, she remembers Mickey swearing from behind Joey at the bathroom door, and then he's beside her, grabbing her arm and yanking her back outside. She remembers the police and the blue and red lights, how cold she felt standing on the sidewalk in her wet clothes as the sun went down. She remembers the stretcher and the body bag. She remembers yellow police tape and the glimpse of blood on the bathroom floor as Nicky took her and Mickey to his room.
She didn't cry.
The next few days pass and Mandy finds herself standing next to her brothers in the poor part of the cemetery, watching the crate that holds her mother being lowered into the dirt. She doesn't want to watch so she watches her brothers, her dad, her uncles and aunts, people from their neighborhood who knew her mom. She looks at everyone, making a half assed attempt at listening to the priest saying some bullshit about the Lord's good servant Katherine Milkovich. She can feel Mickey rolling his eyes.
Mandy continues watching everyone gathered, but her eyes stop as they meet a familiar pair of clear blue, and her stomach clenches tightly.
She'd always known her mom was a twin, they'd just never met her. Her mom married in the Southside while her sister married to get out. This woman, standing in the back of the small crowd gathered in the cemetery, with her mom's face and eyes and hair, sent something piercing through Mandy. She felt something in her chest tighten painfully, seeing a healthier version of her mother's face that had never known bruises.
She looked away just as Mickey grabbed her hand to pull her forward. She and her brothers each picked up a handful of dirt and dropped it in the grave. And she still didn't cry.
Terry used his wife's suicide as an excuse to drink extra hard that night. He let Joey and Nicky join him since they were old enough, but told the rest of them to fuck off out of his sight.
She and Mickey slept in his room that night. She lay on her side, curled against the wall; Mickey next to her on his back, staring at his ceiling as they listened to their dad's alcoholic rage grow. When the crashes and yelling started, Mickey got up and moved a shelf in front of the door and kept his little league baseball bat next to the bed.
Mandy fell asleep to the sound of her dad smashing bottles and the feel of Mickey's hand in hers.
When school starts a few weeks later, everyone stares at her and she glares back, daring anyone to so much as whisper about her dead crack whore mother.
She ends up sitting next to Cassie, who has a large scar on her chin thanks to the younger version of herself. Cassie watches her, which pisses Mandy off so much that she turns to her and whispers, "Fuck off".
In the middle of their math lesson, Cassie tosses a folded up piece of paper on to Mandy's desk. Pressing her lips into a tight scowl and getting ready to stab the bitch with her pencil if it said anything about her mom, she opened it and read, my mom's dead too. sorry it's so shitty.
A few weeks later, Mandy spends the night at Cassie's house and Cassie doesn't say anything when Mandy takes out a bottle of percocets with her mom's name on it. They each take one and Cassie steals her older brothers' bag of weed and Mandy gets high for the first time.
When Mandy is in sixth grade, she lets Theresa Curran's boyfriend, Justin, fondle her tits through her shirt behind the bleachers at school. There's not much in there, Mandy's still in a training bra and she's hoping she'll turn out like Cassie, who had nothing in the summer, but had boobs growing in by the fall.
She wasn't really impressed by Justin. He just kept cupping her shirt and rubbing his thumbs in the same spot until she felt a light chaffing.
She looks at herself in the bathroom mirror after her shower that night. Her long dark hair drips down her back and Mandy doesn't like how tall she's getting while remaining so thin. She'd started cutting her hair like her mom, bangs hanging low over her forehead and her dark eyes glare at herself in the mirror.
The next day at school, 'Mandy is a skank' had been scratched into the metal of her locker. She rolls her eyes and opens it, grabbing her books. Cassie leans up against the locker next to hers and grins.
"Whore."
"Bitch." Mandy smiles and they walk to science together.
She's not oblivious to the looks. When Mandy is 13, her tits finally start growing in. She knows exactly what the boys in her classes are looking at when she passes them in the hallway. And it's not even the boys that she might possibly want to blow either. It's creepy pervs on the El and creepy pervs at school. Her gym teacher, her history teacher, the fucking janitor. They put the 'uck' in 'fucking hell'.
Mickey comments one morning over breakfast that if anything happens, to let him know and he'll take care of it, but, and he looks at her meaningfully over his cereal, she needs to cover her ass and help him out a little bit too.
That weekend, she goes with Cassie to the free clinic and gets a prescription for birth control.
The first time she had sex, it fucking hurt. Cassie had warned her, but Mandy had foolishly believed that if she'd been just a little high, she wouldn't feel it as much.
They'd gone to a party and she'd pounded a few shots before sitting on the stairs and watched people. The music sucked and she played with the frayed knee of her jeans before noticing a guy looking at her. She recognized him as someone Iggy occasionally sold some of his homemade shit to. She didn't remember his name, but she knew he was a few years above her in school, and he played a sport, but fuck if Mandy could remember.
A few minutes later he was sitting next to her with a "you're Iggy's little sister, right?" and they were sharing a joint.
They talked about bullshit things, nothing that really mattered to Mandy because she knew how this was going to end. He clasped her hand in his and led her up the stairs when the music turned to shit for him too.
He backed her up against the wall outside a room and pushed her sweaty bangs out of her eyes before kissing her. She'd been kissed a few times but not like this. This was slow and soft and it made her heart beat faster and when she opened her eyes, she saw him in a shadowy haze. She took another drag from the joint before pulling him into a random room.
When it was over, her legs ached and her back hurt because he had gripped her hips too tightly and she hadn't really been able to move. She'd kept her eyes on the ceiling and wished for it to be over as soon as it began because motherfucker it hurt.
He was already dressed, finishing the buckle of his belt while she adjusted her bra.
He paused at the door and smiled at her. "Thanks." And then he was gone.
"Sure," she answered to the empty room and pulled the rest of her clothes on. She still didn't remember what his name was.
The first time her dad blacks out and climbs into bed with her, she is too scared to make a sound. She knew if she screamed, her brothers would come running but she had no fucking idea what that would make her dad do.
Terry keeps calling her Kathy and his whiskey breath fans over her face as he claws at her and Mandy feels so disgusting and dirty.
In the morning, she stares at the ceiling, her blanket covering her body as her dad stumbles out of her room. He says nothing and she doesn't either. She sits in the tub of the shower ignoring the pounding on the door and yells from her brothers. Her hair is a dark curtain around her face and her hands scrub at her skin.
In the hallway, she calls Cassie, saying she needs to talk. She walks the couple blocks to Cassie's house through the rain and the two of them sit and smoke on the porch.
"Shit," Cassie says when Mandy tells her about it. She huddles a bit closer to Mandy and they link arms. Cassie stares out into the rain and Mandy looks at her face, hoping her friend won't be disgusted with her.
Cassie breathes the smoke out of her mouth slowly before shaking her head. "It happens. You got nothing to feel bad about. They're assholes, all of them."
Mandy continues watching her friend, and Cassie looks back after a while. She nods at the question she seen on Mandy's face.
"Yeah," she sighs. "That's why my sister left a few years ago."
Mandy leaves it at that because she knows no one gives a shit. She pulls her hood up over her head and wishes more than anything that they had some weed.
On Mickey's fifteenth birthday, they take the El to a tattoo shop and he gets "FUCK U-UP" inked on his knuckles. Mandy likes them and thinks they're perfect for her brother. She flashes some tit at the guy who owns the shop and he gives her a piercing in her nose for free.
They go to a liquor store and pack their pockets full of bottles just like their parents taught them. Since it's his birthday, Mandy caves and buys him a carton of his favorite cigarettes and they share a package of cupcakes she stuffed in her bra.
She and Mickey get shitfaced on the roof of some building and they tell each other stories and laugh and punch each other and they make empty promises to each other about how different things will be in the future. That they'll get their shit together and leave this place behind, but Mandy knows just how her future will play out.
It's nice though that she and Mickey can at least pretend they'll have something different. Something better.
When Mandy holds hands with Ian Gallagher on the swings and tells him she'll be his beard, it's mainly because he called her beautiful and she knows he actually means it, not like any of the other pricks she's screwed around with. He doesn't have to say it, he has no reason to say it. She knows he doesn't want to see her tits, but she likes that he says it anyway. Even though she smells like cigarettes and alcohol and has a reputation for being skanky, and all anyone has ever told her she'd be in life is a piece Southside shit.
But Ian Gallagher is different. If anyone has a shot at getting out, it's him, Mandy is sure of it. And even though he's not interested in her like that, he still makes her want to be around him. He smiles at her like she truly matters to him and maybe she does.
The first thing she does after spending the afternoon with Ian is call off her brothers. She smirks at their disappointment and Mickey yells at her for wasting their fucking time.
"Fuck you, I'm sorry alright!"
"What the fuck happened, Mandy?"
"I made a mistake. Jesus, get off my ass." She punches Mickey in the shoulder and he grabs her arm, turning her to face him.
"You sure?" His eyes are serious and she nods.
He shakes his head, mutters, "Fine, your boyfriend can live" and then he fucks off to god knows where.
Spending time with Ian is a lot like spending time with her brothers. He likes to drink and smoke and is never surprised by the shit that comes out of her mouth or the crap she deals with at home. She knows his home life isn't perfect either and she knows she never has to edit what she says around him. They swap blowjob tips and tricks, she tutors him in history and Ian gets her interested in a lot of music she's never heard of. They sneak into movies together and Ian holds her hand through the hallways at school.
People still call her a skank, but Ian always steps in next to her and Mandy feels safe with him, especially since Mickey had just got shot and then fucked off to juvie for one too many thefts at the Kash and Grab.
One night, they sit on the swings together, occasionally kicking each other's feet, and passing a bottle of whiskey back and forth. Ian tells her about his crazy mom and the lesbo she brought into his house and Mandy feels both sad and happy for him. She knows crazy; she's lived with crazy since she was born, and if the counselors at school were right, Mandy was most likely a little crazy too. She also knows what it feels like to wish that her mom was still alive. She felt for Ian because Monica leaving in the first place was shit, but unlike Mandy's, Ian's mom was able to come back.
He tells her more shit, like getting his DNA tested and finding out he's not Frank's son and that makes Mandy wonder for a split second if any of her brothers or even herself aren't Terry's kids, but then she forgets it. Even if she weren't, nothing would change for her. Ian said nothing changed for him, and she knew he was telling the truth. Ian loves his fucked up family in a way Mandy has never really been able to love hers. She loves parts and pieces, but not the whole pile of shit.
Since Ian was in a sharing mood that night, Mandy tried to tell him things about her family. She left out what Terry did to her some nights, because she knew Ian. He would do something stupid, just like when he broke into Mickey's room to get that damn gun back.
She told him about her favorite times with Mickey, his tattoos and her nose ring, getting drunk and high as fucking stars. She told him parts about her mother and how, still to this day, Mandy believes she was the most beautiful woman in the world, even though she now realizes that she watched her waste away from being around her dad and steady alcohol and needles. She tells him that the best thing Mickey has ever said to her is that she looks like their mother. And she tells Ian what her mom's favorite song was and that she still knows every word and she sings it out loud when no one can hear her.
As Ian walks her home, the two of them swaying together on the sidewalks, their hands clasped together so tightly, it's like she can feel him in her bones, Mandy asks him what their song should be.
"What do you mean?" he looks adorably confused and Mandy lights a cigarette.
"You know, our song. Couples have songs right?"
He shrugs. "I guess. I don't know any who do."
"I think my parents did at some point but dad probably wouldn't remember." Mandy tilts her head up and blows the smoke straight up into the sky.
Later that night, Mandy gets a text from Ian with the title of a song and that it's on one of the mixes he made for her a few weeks back.
She finds it and listens to it and it makes her feel the same way Ian did when he called her beautiful and she thinks she might be in love with him. The next day she kisses him and ignores the part of her that wishes for things that'll never happen.
They take the El train after Mickey was released from juvie. She sits by the window, Ian next to her and Mickey across the aisle. Her tit still hurts from Mickey twisting it and she has Ian's iPod in her hand, listening just to drown out the sound of Chicago's finest assholes on their daily commutes. As she stares out the window, she catches the reflections of Ian and Mickey passing a cigarette back and forth and talking about some shit. She elbows Ian in the arm and he passes her the cigarette, and she smiles when Mickey smacks Ian on his other arm, saying, "What the fuck!"
She takes his iPod with her when she gets off a few stops before Mickey and Ian. She's meeting Cassie at her house and they're going "shopping" for summer clothes.
She half hugs Ian and he tells her he'll text her. Mickey tells her to cut the slut down to a minimum and she gives him the finger, while Ian laughs at them.
She turns to looks back at them just as she steps on to the platform, but they're already talking to each other again, Ian grinning at Mickey, while lighting another cigarette.
She'd be lying if she said she hadn't thought about what it would be like the fuck Lip Gallagher. She'd been hanging around Ian a lot during that summer and Lip was always there when he wasn't with Karen Jackson. She didn't give two shits about Karen Jackson, although when Ian told her Karen had fucked Frank Gallagher and that she wouldn't have sex with Lip anymore Mandy decided she was a fucking idiot.
Mandy actually liked being in the Gallagher house with all of those fucked up kids. It made her feel a part of something a little better than whatever the fuck was happening at her house. And when Ian's little sister Debbie started idolizing her, she thought it was cute and kind of flattering, although Ian teased her and said, "I will break up with you if you get my little sister addicted to sucking dick." She punched him and called him a fuckhead.
Her opportunity came when Debbie had invited her to her sleepover. As soon as the kids were eating their pizza and watching movies, Mandy snuck upstairs.
She wasn't shy and she'd had sex about every way imaginable but something about the way Lip kept his hands tight on her back and wasn't afraid to be a little playful with her one minute and forceful the next made Mandy come faster than she had with any of the other pricks she'd fucked.
And when Lip said she was amazing, Mandy thought that fucking hell yes they were amazing together.
And when Lip asked her about seducing Karen Jackson's live-in boyfriend, she bites her lip and sits on her hands to keep from punching him. She thinks for a minute and then well, what the fuck ever.
Mickey is the one who finally takes initiative and starts to teach her how to drive. They take their shithole car to an abandoned lot and he shows her all the important functions and slowly, Mandy starts driving the car in little circles and figure eights.
She had put a mix Ian had made for her in the CD player and Mickey rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette when she told him that, but left it playing anyway.
"So how long has it been for you two anyway?" Mickey asks after a few minutes.
"Uhh." Shit this is something Mandy should know, but when her boyfriend is gay and not really her boyfriend, things like how long they've been together can slip her mind. "About a year, I guess."
"You guess."
"Yeah. Superficial bullshit doesn't really matter to us."
Mickey grinned and shook his head. "That sounds like Gallagher."
She looks over at him. "I didn't know you and Ian were friends. I thought all Gallaghers were fuckers."
"He got me a job. I'm not really looking to badmouth the jackass." He blew smoke in her face and laughed as she ran over the median in the lot. He ejects the CD Ian made and tosses it in the back seat.
Later when they get home, Mandy runs up the front steps and turns to yell back to Mickey to grab her jacket, and sees him rifling around in the back seat for something.
The next day when they go out for another driving lesson, Mandy can't find her CD.
It's her 16th birthday and she doesn't give a shit. Neither does anyone else really.
Her dad's passed out on the couch and her brothers are scattered around the house, their snores sounding through the thin walls of the house. Mickey is back in juvie the second time around for punching a cop, and honestly, right now, she does not even give a shit.
She makes herself a piece of toast and can only eat half of it. Her stomach hates her lately and Mandy has an idea why, though she hopes she's just a fucking moron and reading her body wrong.
She meets Ian on her way to school and he smiles and wishes her 'happy birthday'. She smiles back and at school, Cassie gives her a little bag full of their favorite stuff to get shitfaced on. Ian disappears during third period and Mandy takes some notes for him. During lunch, she sits underneath the bleachers listening to one of Ian's mixes for her and she slowly rocks back and forth like she used to when she was a kid and her mom and dad would yell at each other.
At the final bell, she tries to get out quickly so she can catch the El but Ian snags her arm in the hallway.
"What are you doing this afternoon?"
She pauses before smiling. "Nothing." Ian smiles at her and together they walk downtown. He takes her to this bakery that only bitches like Karen Jackson eat at, but he buys her favorite, a huge chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting and puts a yellow candle on it and lights it. She begs him not to sing and she blows it out quickly, not making any wishes. They split it and Mandy manages to keep it down.
They walk along the El, talking about everything and nothing. She knows Ian had been seeing this guy but he's not anymore. She can tell he's sad about it and wants to talk about it, but he only gives her a few vague details. She doesn't tell him about the sex with Lip or what happened after because thinking about it makes her stomach turn. So she holds Ian's hand as they walk and she tries to pretend that it's just the two of them again. No Lip, no mystery guy of Ian's. Just them, being together without all the other bullshit.
"Shit," Ian says. "I gotta go to work." He shoots her an apologetic look.
"It's ok. I got some shit to do anyway."
Ian pauses. "Well, I wanted to give this to you when I would have time to stick around and watch you open it but…" he reaches around to his backpack and pulls out a large square wrapped in black paper with balloons on it.
She smiles. "You really didn't have to get me anything."
"I wanted to." He smiles, bends down and kisses her cheek, before waving and running down the street.
Mandy rips the paper off and lets it fall to the ground when she sees it. Ian had attached a note to the back. i found this in my basement and remembered you said it was your mom's favorite. happy birthday mandy.
It was their song, hers and her moms, on vinyl.
On the El, Mandy hugs her knees to her chest, the record cradled against her. She gets off and heads to the drugstore.
Later, after having dusted off her dad's old record player, she lays on the floor of her bedroom listening and remembering. Her mom had once told her that this song was her favorite because it was the first one she'd heard when she learned she was pregnant with Mandy.
Mandy lifts the pregnancy test stick and looks at the pink positive sign again, and feels warm tears slide down the sides of her face.
Mandy is convinced she's never seen anyone as amazing as Ian Gallagher. And she knew that she hadn't changed in his eyes. She knew that just because he now knew what her dad did sometimes when he blacked out, he didn't think of her any differently. Not like she knew Lip thought of her differently. She saw it in his eyes when she pointed the rifle at him and he realized who had gotten her pregnant. Ian was pissed off on her behalf and she loved him even more for that, but she was just so fucking tired. She just wanted something to go right for once in her life, and this amazing boy was determined to make that happen for her.
They'd managed to raise the money for her abortion and she stuffed herself with so many cookies and brownies that night, but Ian had insisted and she agreed, since this whole fucking thing was for her anyway.
Ian holds her hand on the El train as they make their way to the clinic downtown. He waits with her as she fills out all of the forms and hands over the cash. He asks all of the important questions she forgets about, like what to expect, if it'll hurt, how she'll feel after. Mandy is too nervous to really pay attention, really only thinking about the actual procedure, not about after.
Ian holds her hand until he has to go back to the waiting room, and when it's over, he wipes her wet cheeks and lays his head next to hers. He doesn't say anything and she knows he understands. Ian always understands her. They're the same, the two of them. The forgotten ones messed up and jerked around by their parents. She thinks her reaction is so fucking stupid. This was what she wanted, something right had happened for once. There was no way she could be pregnant and have a kid, no fucking way. But in the quiet of that sterile room, holding hands with the only person left who ever really gave a shit about her, Mandy quietly cries. For what could have been, what should have been, and what will never be.
It takes a little while for Mandy to be okay again, but when she is, Ian and Lip Gallagher are the ones who sandwich her in between them whenever they walk around their shitty neighborhood. When Ian is at ROTC or fucking some old guy he met at this club his crazy bitch mother took him too, Lip is around making her laugh and holding her hand and sharing some weed with her.
When Mickey asks for some porn to be sent to him in juvie, Lip is the one who goes with her to pick some of the shit out.
They're stood in front of the rows of dirty magazines and Mandy wrinkles her nose at the obviously fake tits and airbrushed dicks on the covers.
"Why are guys in to this shit?" she asks Lip as he flips through a magazine.
"My question is why is Mickey in to this shit."
She looks and sees Lip is looking at a dominatrix scene with some guy taking it up the ass from a neon pink dildo and she laughs. "No, he doesn't want that. He said he wants girl on girl, no dicks invited."
Lip just shakes his head and helps her pick out a couple magazines. They go to the post office and she mails them to Mickey, including a note that just read douchebag.
That night she and Lip have sex again. They'd been watching TV at his house, his hand gently brushing against her leg. This time was better than the first. He cupped her face and said her name and Mandy knew he wasn't elsewhere in his head with Karen Jackson. After, he lay behind her on his couch while some movie played, his hand on her naked hip and he pressed kisses to the back of her head.
One night, Ian takes her to this club of his. He says that one time with his mom before she tried to kill herself was one of his nicest memories of Monica. She made him promise not to leave her alone even if he found a guy or two to hook up with in the bathroom. He teases her and offers to let her watch, but she knows he won't leave her alone.
She thinks it's hilarious that Ian has to do all the work on this one. He flirts with the bartender for their free drinks, and flashes smiles at some twinks before kindly telling them fuck off when they try to maneuver Mandy out of the way to dance with him. They keep their faces pressed close together as they dance and Ian mouths "fag hag" to her, making her love him more. It's easy for her to love Ian. She knows he would never hurt her and since he's not interested in what's underneath her skirt, there's no pressure for her to be something she's not.
They don't get completely drunk off their asses and Mandy thinks it's nice. They walk home instead of taking the El, Ian singing loudly and off key and making her laugh and they fall asleep on his couch, and Mandy feels safe.
Mandy gets why Fiona Gallagher doesn't like her. She knows that Lip is smart, too smart to stay in this shithole for the rest of his life, working minimum wage jobs and getting some girl knocked up. Mandy knows Fiona views her as that girl, sees her as a threat to Lip's future. Because if Mandy knows anything about the Gallagher boys, it's that they'll take care of their messes and step up. They won't leave when the shit hits the fan. Ian didn't leave her and Lip didn't leave Karen and both of those times, the kids weren't even theirs.
She wants to tell all this to Fiona and to say that she wants the same things for Lip. And for Ian. And for the rest of them because they're all so much better than anyone gives them credit for. They weren't shit like she and her family were.
But it also pisses Mandy off every time Fiona sees her and rolls her eyes. Mandy knows exactly what she's thinking, and sometimes when Lip is fucking her in his room, she'll be extra loud just to get in a few digs at Fiona.
Mandy hears from Ian that Karen left and she knows that Lip will be feeling like shit. She doesn't understand what the fuck is so special about Karen, but it's Lip's baggage. He's accepted all of her shit so she can accept his. She completely ignores Fiona's bitchy, "Hey!" when she barges into the house and runs up the stairs. She finds him sitting back on his bed, a joint lit between his fingers. He just looks at her and leans his head back against the wall.
She takes her shoes off and climbs in next to him. He offers the joint to her and she takes it, breathing deep. She doesn't say she's sorry because she's not. She doesn't try to have sex with him because she knows he doesn't want that right now. She just clasps her fingers with his and sits with him.
She goes alone to pick Mickey up from juvie. She was taken completely by surprise when he told her he was getting out early. She'd never done any time, but from what she knew from her brothers, her dad and her uncles, Milkoviches served their full sentences, they didn't do any of this good behavior bullshit.
She stood outside and smiled when she saw Mickey coming out of the gate. They hugged, he called her a bitch, she called him a shithead and it was like he'd never been gone.
"Where's your boyfriend? You finally convince him you're not some Northside bitch who can't take care of herself?" he asked as they walked to the El.
"No, but he's at ROTC now. And he's not really my boyfriend anymore."
"Why not?"
"We're best friends, not girlfriend-boyfriend. Besides, I'm kind of seeing Lip now." She smiles.
He grins at her and shakes his head. "Slut."
She punches him on the arm and they take the train. Mickey says he's got some shit to do, someone to see, so Mandy hugs him again and gets off the train and walks to the Gallagher house.
Lip pisses her off so much sometimes. She gets he's emotionally damaged from his shitty parents and the number that Karen Jackson did on him, but fucking hell, she deals with shit family members and fuckers who take her for granted too. It's not like she wanted him to marry her. She likes spending time with him, fucking sue her.
She feels proud of herself for not completely giving in when he shows up at her aunt's house, asking her to come down. He apologizes to her and she feels like he means it. But still.
"I'm not a tool."
"Yeah, I know."
"So you don't get to treat me like one."
"I know. Come down."
She hesitates, watching him. "Please?" he asks and she smiles.
She'll never tell him but as she sits on that beat up old couch, drinking from a bottle of beer, and watching him set up those sparklers, she knows this is probably one of the best nights of her life. When he sits next to her and watches the sparklers light up the night, she watches him, watches the smile on his face.
And she starts to feel it. She starts to feel that she's falling a little bit in love with him. When he kisses her, she can see the lights from the sparklers behind her eyelids and smiles against his lips.
For a while, Lip becomes one of the only things in her life that isn't shit. That place used to be occupied with Ian alone, and in some ways, she knows Ian will come first with her. Ian is her best friend. He's special to her in the way her mom used to be. He's the person who has seen her through some of the toughest shit in her life and hasn't said a word about it to anyone. She doesn't have the heart or the guts to tell Mickey about any of the bullshit that happened while he was in juvie. She's actually proud of Mickey right now. He's working and even though he denies it she can see he's a little happy. She also knows that he's seeing someone, but no matter what she tries, she can't drag the bitch's name out of him. Mandy doesn't want to derail him in anyway by bringing up shit that best remains in her past, because ultimately it doesn't matter anymore. And Mickey is still special to her and she knows she's still special to him.
Lip though. Lip is special to Mandy on a different level. He hasn't seen her through any shit, and she doesn't want him to. Lip is warmth and smiles and hands. Lip knows how to push her temper to the edge, but a second later, knows just the right way to kiss her and make her forgive him. Lip makes her think faster on her feet because he's so damn smart, and she wants to keep up with him. It's scary for her, realizing she loves him, and that a good day for Mandy is a day when she sees Lip smile at her.
She wants Lip to go to college. He deserves something better and Mandy knows that even if that doesn't include her, she still wants whatever it is for him.
She subtly starts going through her house, looking for any valuables that don't have any bullet holes and aren't stained by cigarette ashes. Her heart hurts when she finds a box with some her mom's stuff in it. She finds her mom's wedding ring and the cross she'd always worn around her neck, even when she was shooting up her veins on their couch. She took those along with a few other things she knew no one would miss and pawns them for the money to pay the application fees for Lip.
Mandy has a lot of respect for Fiona Gallagher and if she were drunk enough, she might even admit to wanting to grow up to be kind of like her. Sitting in that courtroom and listening to her speech about being an abandoned kid with little brothers to look after just further proved to Mandy that the Gallaghers were tough, tougher than her family hiding behind their guns and fists, because she knew that if that shit had happened when she was little, Joey and Nicky and Iggy would have let her and Mickey go up shit creek alone.
When the judge announces that Fiona is now the guardian of the kids, and Lip and Ian shoot out of their chairs and are so fucking happy, Mandy has to bite her lip to keep herself from saying something sappy. Lip kisses her on the cheek and Ian picks her up and swings her around, laughing. And as Mandy files out of the courtroom with them and listens to all of them talking and laughing so effortlessly together, she feels her heart swell, because each one of them is precious to her.
Mandy's in one of those moments where Lip has managed to piss her off so completely she can't even look at him. Fucking Karen Jackson. She doesn't need him to tell her everything that happens to him, but the important shit, like the return of a girl she knew he had loved or still loved or what the fuck ever, was kind of high up on the list of things Lip should tell her. She'd heard him loud and fucking clear though. He didn't want her there. Fuck him.
She's in her room making her way steadily through a pack of cigarettes when Mickey stumbles down the hall, bumping into walls and dropping a bottle that cracks against floor.
"Fucking shit." She hears him slur and he kicks the bottle out of the way before making his way to his room.
She follows and watches him slump on to his bed. For about a few weeks now, ever since their dad pistol-whipped him for some reason neither of them will tell her about, Mickey has been crazy, off his ass, wasted. He wakes up in the morning and immediately grabs a bottle or a can of whatever shit is in front of him and spends each day getting shitfaced. She knew about the bitch he'd knocked up and about the wedding, which she thought was complete bullshit. It was obvious to her that this whore that was to be her new sister-in-law was not who Mickey had been seeing since he'd got out of juvie. He was a fucking mess, drinking himself to an early grave, and she had no clue how to help him.
She had tried talking to him about it, but he'd just turned on her and yelled to back the fuck off and he'd reminded her so much of Terry, so she'd listened.
Mandy walked over to him and placed what remained of her cigarettes next to his bed. She closes his blinds so when he wakes up hung over, the light won't kill him. She hears a muttered, "Thanks" and closes the door quietly on her way out.
For the rest of her life, Mandy is positive that she will never forget the sound of Karen Jackson's body colliding with the car.
When she got home, she pulled around the side of the house and covered it with a tarp. She sat in the tub of the shower for the rest of the night, smoking. She was too on edge to try sleeping.
The next morning, she did her best to clean up the car, and watched from the front window as Manny replaced the windshield. When it was done, she ran to the bathroom and puked up everything in her stomach. As she bent over the toilet, she remembered the sound again and she fucking hated it. She remembered Karen calling her and her promise to trap Lip in the Southside because just as Mandy knew Lip would never abandon his messes, Karen knew it even better. She'd remembered being in bed with Lip and him telling her about the interview with that MIT dumbass, and the look in his eyes. She had finally seen it. More important, she's finally seen him see it. What she'd been nagging him about for weeks now. He'd seen the possibilities that she knew were there for him to grab hold of. That he could finally have something more, something better. And she'd told him the truth. She wasn't expecting him to take her with him if he did decide to go. He would make it and she knew that. The shitty thing though was that Karen knew it too. Even though she knew Lip would hate her for this and she would probably go to jail, at least Karen wouldn't be around the fuck up his life anymore. And Mandy would be fucked if she watched another person she loved die in this place.
A Milkovich always makes sure the other person is more fucked up in the end.
Later that afternoon, her legs were still shaking and she was sitting on her bed in her underwear and a shirt. She was just lighting a cigarette when Mickey came to her door.
"You okay?" His eyes were red and his face looked tired and even from where she sat on her bed she could smell the booze.
She shook her head and looked down at her pale legs. Mickey walked in and settled himself next to her. He took her cigarette taking a long drag.
"You ever think about mom?" Mandy asked him quietly.
"Sometimes."
She was silent for a while, her throat closing tightly. "Do you ever think that if she just appeared and took one look at us, if she saw all of us right now, what we've done…" Mandy paused and her lips started to tremble. Mickey stayed quiet. "Do you think she'd ask what the fuck happened or do you think she'd understand?"
Mickey grabbed her cold hand in his and squeezed. He stayed silent for a long time, long enough for the sun to go down and Mandy started to doze on his shoulder. He leaned down and kissed her above her ear. "I don't even know if I understand this shit."
She gripped his hand harder and he squeezed back.
Mandy and her moms song - Bette Davis Eyes/any version
Ian's song for Mandy - 1) The Girl/City & Colour or 2) 5 Years Time/Noah and the Whale
Thank you for reading!