Tuesday, June 9th, 1942
Edward,
I know that I couldn't have held you here. That would have been cruel when you felt that it was your duty to go. I still don't understand why you no longer wanted me. Am I a distraction? Do you truly not want me anymore? You said that there are plenty of fish in the water, but these are waters I do not want to test. Is that what you want me to do? I wanted to have no reminders of you, but I couldn't seem to part with the necklace. I know that you will know what I mean. I need to hold on to it, it is my single hope, my one physical reminder. You left me with many memories that will never fade, and I almost find them as painful as the fact of knowing you are gone. My days are long without you, but the nights are longer still. You said that you wanted a clean break, but there is nothing clean about the way I feel. I still love you. I still want you. Did I not make that clear enough? Did I not fight hard enough for you? Did you even want me to fight for you? I can't shake the feeling that you wanted something more, that I was never enough for you. You always said that I never saw myself clearly, but I think it was you who could not see me. I loved you, how could you have possibly not believed me? I know that you loved me too, but something had to have changed. You said that you wanted me to live a full and happy life, but how could I ever possibly do that without you with me.
I hope you are safe. I want you home in my arms, not in some far away land that you don't know with enemies all around. Emmett assured me that he would bring you back to me in one piece. He didn't know, I couldn't tell him. How could I ever make your brother think less of you? I want you to know that our last days, except for the last day, were simultaneously the best and worst days of my life. When you held me close at the dance, I truly felt safe and I knew that you would come back home to me. I guess I was wrong, but I'm not perfect, and it's taken me this long to realize that neither are you. The man that I thought you were never would have never have left me broken and alone when you were gone, and I didn't know where you were or if you were ever coming back. I want you to come back. I'm selfish, but I have this hope for Esme and Carlisle's sakes as well, they don't want to lose you either. You know that you are more stubborn than I am, and though I no longer have the right, I'm asking you to please be careful. You can be so headstrong, and I don't want you to be cocky in any situation and wind up getting injured or worse. I can't even say it because the thought of my world without you existing is hell compared to the pain I experience now. I can't let go of that pain because that would mean that you were nothing to me, and that is the last thing you would ever be.
I should say that I don't expect you respond to this letter. You don't have to, but I wish you would so I know you are safe. Like I said, selfish. I miss you, did I say that before? I miss how it was before when you would ride your bike so fast me on the handlebars and I would scream so loud because I was sure you would crash, but you always kept me safe. I should never have doubted you. I miss summers at the lake, picnics on the shore, and after… You are the only person who knows how far down my blush really goes and how your name sounds in a blissful scream… But I shouldn't talk about those memories.
Your birthday is next week, but you know that. Happy 20th birthday Edward. I've known you for five years, but this day will always be one of the most significant to me. You are too important for the day of your birth not to have any significance. Please know, that even though you no longer have me, you are still loved by so many. Your parents love you. Alice loves you. I love you. I need you to know that, in case you've forgotten, but something tells me you haven't. Stay strong soldier, you need to come home to your family. You are my constant.
Love always,
Your Bella