Characters/Pairings: Just Ray!
Didn't happen, wouldn't happen, couldn't happen. But let's pretend! Don't own GK, not profiting from it. Based on fictionalized characters played by actors, not any real people.
Ray's Rant: The Great MOPP Suit Conspiracy (or What The Well Dressed Invader Will be Wearing This Spring)
Fucking MOPP suits. I mean seriously, homes, what kind of sadistic motherfucker designed these retarded things? In the opinion of this Marine, whoever they are, they must work for the enemy. What other explanation is there?
Like, okay, so say I'm a bad guy and I'm sitting around my lair thinking "How can I fuck shit up for those guys over there," and bam! It hits me! "Hey, I know, we can infiltrate the fucking companies who make the protective gear and shit for the military and design garments so stupendously uncomfortable that it interferes with the combat effectiveness of the poor fuckers who have to wear them!" It's diabolically fucking brilliant!
So what do these evil bastards come up with? The fucking MOPP suit, which are supposedly designed to protect us from chemical and biological attacks, but I'm convinced that the real reason for their existence is to fuck with us. I'm serious, it's the only fucking explanation possible.
For one thing, these things are so retardedly bulky and hot that you can't wear anything more than your tightie whities under them, and even then some guys just say "fuck it!" and end up freeballing anyway. And that sucks because the inside of the suit is lined with this plastic mesh shit, so it's like rubbing up against a fucking loofah. Not exactly comfortable, homes.
And then, they think, how can we make these things suck even worse, and that's when some evil guy who's eaten his evil Wheaties that morning laughs all maniacally and says "Let's make the pants with suspenders and no fucking flies! That'll fuck 'em!" Because how do you slow down a Marine? Make it so that every time he has to take a piss or a shit, he has to undo a fuckload of snaps and harnesses, take off his flak vest, take off the jacket, pull down the suspenders, and then pull down his fucking pants. It's just fucking inefficient, and it puts a Marine at his most vulnerable for a longer period of time, literally with his ass hanging out.
And, on top of that, I'm pretty sure that these evil fuckers have guys at the highest levels of H & S Company, and now they've managed to intercept our desert camouflage suits and replace them with fucking woodland! So here we are, rolling through Iraq in bulky, stiff-ass, scratchy fucking MOPP suits, practically having to strip naked just to take a shit, and on top of it all, we're wearing green fucking camo in the fucking desert! We stick out so much we might as well be fucking wearing pink tutus! And you know what, homes, we would probably be slightly more comfortable if we were wearing tutus!
I bet Brad would look good in a tutu. Fuck, I'd kill to see that…