Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 2
EPISODE 13
Airdate: January 19, 2014
Title: Illuminati's For Idiots
Segway Segment: Classic Music Videos ("You Gots to Chill" by EPMD)
Satire/Social Commentary: True meaning of the Illuminati, whether the society even exists or not
Special Guest Stars: None
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Andrew Overtoom, storyboarded by Dr. Nihilistic, directed by C.H. Greenblatt
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Playground
Seattle, Washington
(guitar interpolation of "Go Pack Go" officially kicks off the episode)
BUSTER: I don't think Chief Keef is part of the Illuminati.
WILL: What? He has to be. A guy like him actually making it big in rap?
BUSTER: Yeah, but at the same time, anybody can make it big in rap these days. Literally anybody. Even if you took a huge dump on the microphone, your song would be a Billboard hit. But that's besides the point. Chief Keef is not even worthy.
MANNY: Buster's right. Chief Keef keeps getting himself into trouble. The Illuminati doesn't want a joke like him in their society.
(Wade overhears the boys' conversation, having walked out of the lunchroom)
WADE: Or maybe the Illuminati is a joke in our society.
BUSTER: Wade, are you implying that the Illuminati is not real?
WADE: Implying? Gee, I don't know. I'm pretty sure I'm TELLING you the Illuminati is not real.
WILL: Wade, that doesn't make any sense. What do you think happened to Michael Jackson?
WADE: He was killed because of his idiot doctor.
MANNY: That's what people WANT you to think.
BUSTER: Wade, the Illuminati found out Michael Jackson was going to reveal his membership near the end of the This Is It Tour. They had to get rid of him before he could do it, so they paid Conrad Murray to kill him.
WADE: That doesn't make any sense. Who would risk serious jail time for money?
WILL: People do crazy things these days.
WADE: Yeah. Like believing in a fictitious fellowship.
BUSTER: You just always want to be right.
WADE: Why, is it showing? A-ha! You almost caught me there, you little (bleep)er.
BUSTER: Wade, the Illuminati is real, face it.
WADE: What you need to face is the fact that a supposedly "secret" society like this one wouldn't even be talked about if it was real. Honestly, you haven't acted this obnoxious since that time we played restaurant.
WADE: And garcon, what's on the menu for today?
BUSTER: Well, we have a very shitty selection, sir. Plenty of shit on a shit-covered plate to go around. Served with a side order of shit fries and a frothy shit beverage. And you know what the worst part is about all this?
WADE: No.
BUSTER: You're still going to come back for the same thing: Shit. Why? Because people like you enjoy wasting my (bleep)ing time and your own. I don't know why, but if you want shitty fare, we'll give it to you. Let's see what stupid (bleep) shit the chef is preparing today.
(Buster walks away)
WADE: Hmmm, this looks REALLY shitty.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is storing away books in his locker when RK walks up to him. RK noticeably has on a leather jacket and gold chain (with a Mercedes-Benz medallion).
RK: Hi Sparky.
SPARKY: Hey, pal.
(long pause; Sparky continues to store books while RK looks around)
RK: Are you busy?
SPARKY: No, no, that's...that's OK, what's up?
RK: I'm starting to think that Jaylynn is hiding something.
SPARKY: How do you mean?
RK: Well, she always acts funny. Like there's something she doesn't want to tell me.
SPARKY: Hmmmm, that's not Jaylynn. Her life is an open book. If something's up, she won't keep it a secret for long.
RK: She told me it's not my business and I should worry about myself.
SPARKY: Yeah, that's Jaylynn. Well, don't worry. Sparky Morton MacDougal is on the case.
RK: (chuckling) Morton.
SPARKY: It's not funny, you asshole.
RK: It kinda is. (chuckling) Morton.
SPARKY: Stop laughing at it!
JAYLYNN: Hey guys.
SPARKY AND RK: Sup?
JAYLYNN: RK, I want to say I'm sorry for what I said before. I just get kind of reckless when people want to know about my business.
RK: Oh, that's OK.
SPARKY: So, Jaylynn, um, you think you're going to get a boyfriend this year?
JAYLYNN: A boyfriend? Ewwww, no way. I don't even like...
(Sparky and RK stare suspiciously at a frozen Jaylynn)
(walking past) WADE: Well, Jaylynn, are you just going to stand there like a halfwit, mouth agape, or are you going to finish your statement?
(Wade keeps walking towards his next class)
SPARKY: Huh. I wonder where HE came from. So, Jaylynn, about that, um...
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah. You know, I don't even like the smell of certain boys. You know. What with their pit stains and pit smells and armpit farting contests...
RK: That sounds like the stereotypical teenage white guy. And neither of us have reached the age in question, so...
JAYLYNN: You know RK, if you like me, just say so. Really, what's stoppin' ya?
RK: Um, I think you misunderstood what I just said. I was kind of implying...
(Jaylynn raises her eyebrow)
RK: OK, Jaylynn, I like you. You want to go out Saturday night?
JAYLYNN: Not interested. See you guys after class!
(Jaylynn quickly runs to class)
SPARKY: Tough break, buddy.
RK: I don't like Jaylynn! That was pure theatre. I was implying something with what I said earlier.
SPARKY: What was it?
RK: That if we haven't reached the age of being teenagers, there are plenty of other white guys in this school that are our age too. Therefore, Jaylynn can just date any of them.
SPARKY: That's kind of all over the place once you explain it, don't you think?
RK: That's not the point! I think...I think Jaylynn's a lesbian.
(long pause; Sparky starts laughing really hard, while a bored RK stares at him; Sparky is also laughing in class while a now-annoyed RK looks at the ceiling; Sparky is laughing at P.E., while RK buries his face in his gym shirt; Sparky is laughing on the bus, while RK crumbles his newspaper and walks away from view; Sparky is still laughing at his house, while RK is in his bedroom, annoyed)
RK: I know he still thinks it's funny.
(We cut back to the scene where Sparky first started laughing, while a bored RK stares at his Swatch and smacks it repeatedly)
SPARKY: Whoa. Whoa...that was the funniest thing I've heard in weeks. How long was I laughing?
(RK checks his Swatch)
(bored) RK: Two minutes.
SPARKY: Really? Dude, that was really funny.
RK: Sparky, this isn't a joke. I honestly think Jaylynn is into girls. All the signs are there.
SPARKY: Well, I think you're going to need a little more signs to look at. I have to get to class.
RK: See ya. I have to crack this code. It's not good for Jaylynn if she's not even comfortable with her own sexual orientation.
MR. BORMAN: Excuse me, get to class, please.
RK: GET OFF MY BACK, I'M SLEUTHING!
(RK turns around and realizes it's Mr. Borman)
RK: Sorry sir.
(RK power walks to class while Mr. Borman shakes his head)
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Ms. Greeley's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
WADE: Buster, what are you wearing?
BUSTER: A shirt. Coming up next on "Duh!"
WADE: I know you're wearing a shirt. What's the symbol?
BUSTER: The Illuminati pyramid? Idiot children. On the next Geraldo.
WADE: Could you cut it out with the sarcasm? And I'm not even sure if that reference makes sense in the context in which you're using it!
BUSTER: Sorry, I have a tendency to be sarcastic when I have to present oral reports.
WADE: What's yours on?
BUSTER: The Illuminati.
(long pause)
WADE: Buster, what's your life about?
BUSTER: Wade, the Illuminati is one of the things that has a stranglehold on our society. Any time a guy breaks through and becomes successful, it's usually because of a divine influence. I mean, if I was Nicki Minaj's age and wanted to be rich and famous, I could sell my soul if I wanted.
WADE: You know, I'll never understand that philosophy. All you're doing is trying to justify your failures. A black person gets success in life, Illuminati. A black person gets a big promotion, Illuminati. A black person becomes a high-class member of society, Illuminati. Why can't it just be that this black person got successful through hard work?
BUSTER: You're throwing race into this because?
WADE: Because it's true. Only white people get to make something of themselves in society without scrutiny.
BUSTER: Ah, you're being over-dramatic.
(Wade angrily stares at Buster)
BUSTER: What did I say?
(Wade turns his angry face to the front, and puts his hand on his jaw)
MS. GREELEY: OK, class, we're about to read our oral reports. Who's up first?
(Buster raises his hand as high as the heavens)
MS. GREELEY: Well, this is a surprise. Buster Newman, with his report on the Illuminati.
(Bunch of "oohs" in the classroom as Buster walks up to the front)
BUSTER: (clears throat) Good afternoon class. By now, you've probably all heard about the Illuminati. It's a secret society sponsored by the government and consisting of the world's most influential people at their respective lines of work. By selling your soul to this society, they'll give you everything you ever wanted and then some. Money, fame, sexually attractive partners. The Illuminati is the most powerful influence in the world today.
WADE: I have a question.
BUSTER: Wade, please hold all comments until the end. Now...
FRENCH NARRATOR: One irrational essay later...
BUSTER: Thank you.
(clapping, cheering and whistling)
BUSTER: Wade, you had a question?
WADE: Yes. The Illuminati is supposed to be a secret society. How do you know so much about it?
BUSTER: Well...
WADE: Unless you're a part of the Illuminati.
BUSTER: Wade, I'm nine and I have no power whatsoever. How could I be a member?
WADE: Just using logic.
BUSTER: Well, by that logic, why are you trying so hard to deny the Illuminati's existence? YOU have more of a reason to be a part of the group than me!
(Bunch of "oohs")
WADE: If I was really a part of the Illuminati, I wouldn't say a damn thing!
BUSTER: But if that's the case, then why did you accuse me of the same thing?
WADE: BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT!
(Class starts laughing)
MS. GREELEY: Wade, cool it. Class, settle down. Buster, you may continue.
(The camera pans on Wade's angered expression, and the class is shown leaving when Buster walks right up to Wade)
BUSTER: Wade, I just don't think you want to acknowledge that the Illuminati exists.
WADE: Because it doesn't. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Because you don't believe in a God so you need THIS to fall back on?
BUSTER: You know, you may think you know everything, but you really don't. And at the end of the day, I know you're part of the Illuminati.
WADE: I'M NOT PART OF THE (BLEEP) ILLUMINATI!
BUSTER: Of course. That's exactly what you want us to believe. Stop playing dumb and get real, man.
(Buster walks away while an angry Wade screams and throws his bookbag on the ground; everyone's eyes are now focused on Wade, and he walks away)
SCENE 4
("Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys playing in the background)
School is out for the day and Wade is pissed off as he heads home. Buster's firm belief in the Illuminati is getting to the poor kid. Wade goes on a rampage, knocking down items, tossing knick-knacks and bric-a-brac to the floor. Wade has flown into an uncontrollable rage and is throwing bric-a-brac. In fact, porcelain is flying so much that Wade's bric-a-brac is getting frequent flyer mileage. Wade moves on to the upper level of the house and attacks the items in his medicine cabinet. He goes to the guest room and nearly destroys it with a Louisville Slugger. He takes his lotion from his cabinet and squeezes it until it pops and squirts all over the bathroom walls. Wade then drops to his knees and screams as the destruction of his house is over.
(having found Wade in the bathroom) RK: Hey Wade, have you...(notices the lotion all over the bathroom) Wade, I told you that the "My wife and kids" joke is not funny!
WADE: RK, I wasn't...
RK: Although I have to admit I'm impressed that you actually got a girl for this. Where is she?
WADE: I WASN'T DOING THAT, WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT IS LOTION!
RK: Oh, that explains a lot. Well, I wanted to know if you could help me figure out Jaylynn's secret. I've been piecing together clues.
WADE: How far have you gotten?
RK: Well, it's a 1-10 scale. 10 is as good as the Four Seasons and 1 is as good as a dried-up raincoat sleeve at a dinner party in your honor. Right now, I think I'm at 5. Which is equivalent to a nasty restaurant on Health Inspector Day.
WADE: Look, dude, I would love to, but I have a lot on my mind right now.
RK: What's going on, buddy? Talk to your good ol' pal RK, he'll know what to do.
WADE: The third person is really creepy to me. Anyway, Buster refuses to believe the Illuminati isn't real.
(long pause)
RK: See ya.
WADE: Wait! You said you were going to help me.
RK: Wade, we're dealing with a kid who's a total doofus half the time.
WADE: Like you?
RK: HEY! I'm a total doofus 25% of the time, get it straight.
(sarcastically) WADE: OK, I'm sorry.
RK: Anyway, kids like Buster are going to keep believing in the Illuminati until they get the cold hard facts.
WADE: But I've already tried to do that.
RK: You need to try harder! Take him to the White House if you need to!
(Wade ponders this)
WADE: That's it!
RK: What are you talking about?
WADE: Don't you get it? The Illuminati is supposedly government-sponsored. If we go to the source of the Illuminati, I can disprove Buster's theory for good!
RK: You know, I was kind of talking out my ass, so...
WADE: NO! It's a good idea. And I know just how to implement it. Thanks RK.
(RK and Wade shake hands)
RK: Any time, pal. Oh no, it's Sam from Clarissa Explains It All!
WADE: How do you know?!
RK: I can see his ladder coming towards the window!
WADE: Oh, (bleep)!
(Ladder clinks against the window; bass guitar tune; Sam takes a minute to look around)
SAM: Wade, why?
(annoyed) WADE: It's not what you think, Sam.
SAM: But it looks like...
WADE: I know what it looks like, and frankly, I'm pretty damn tired of you climbing that ladder like a creep. Use the (bleep) door, why don't ya?
SAM: But...
WADE: I don't want to hear it. Now go back to banging Clarissa in 1993, please!
SAM: You know what? I will.
(Sam climbs down the ladder and the tune plays again as he takes it back home; long pause)
RK: Thank you for acknowledging it.
SEGWAY SEGMENT
JAYLYNN: Hi, everybody. I'm Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez from the television series Thank You, Heavenly. And this is another edition of Classic Music Videos. Let's take a look at a funky hip-hop song from back in the day. This is EPMD's "You Gots to Chill." Enjoy!
Song: You Gots to Chill
Artist: EPMD
Album: Strictly Business
Year: 1988
Label: Fresh/Sleeping Bag Records
"You Gots to Chill" samples "More Bounce to the Ounce" by Zapp, "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang, "Strictly Business" by EPMD themselves, "Catch a Groove" by Juice, "I Can't Stop" by John Davis and the Monster Orchestra, and "I Know You Got Soul" by Eric B. & Rakim.
(The video for "You Gots to Chill" plays)
SCENE 5
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Clarissa Explains It All.
MR. DARLING: Finally, Sam, you use the door! I bet you haven't even seen the rest of this house, what with you being in Clarissa's room all the time!
FERGUSON: And being in Clarissa.
CLARISSA: Go to Hell, Fergbreath!
(long pause)
(angry) BUSTER: Why did Sam use the door?
(knocking)
BUSTER: Come in.
WADE: Buster, I challenge you to a challenge of biblical proportions.
BUSTER: Oh, really, Mr. Illuminati is Not Real?
WADE: This weekend, the two of us travel to D.C. and find out once and for all if the Illuminati is real or not.
BUSTER: Color me intrigued. Your wager is tickling me pink.
(Buster's skin slowly turns pink)
(bored) WADE: Does that happen a lot?
(disappointed) BUSTER: Yes.
WADE: OK, look, do you accept or decline?
BUSTER: Accept all the way. But let me tell you this, Saltalamacchia. This won't end up like the sleeping challenge.
WADE: Why?
BUSTER: Because I've always had a knack for competition. Remember when I beat you in that sleeping challenge?
WADE: Buster, I beat YOU in that challenge. And you just referenced it saying it wouldn't end up like that!
BUSTER: Oh. Well, you may think you're hot stuff, but we'll see this weekend.
(in an arrogant tone) WADE: Yes...we shall.
BUSTER: I'm not talking about YOU, I'm talking about this episode. Ferguson and Clarissa both think the other can't go without TV for a weekend. Wrong move, Fergface!
(Wade looks at the camera, bored)
WADE: You see what I have to deal with too, right?
BUSTER: Wade, why are you talking to yourself?
(Buster blankly stares at Wade, who starts sweating)
WADE: Hey Buster, it's Halley's Comet!
(looking the other way) BUSTER: Halley doesn't have a comet...
(Wade runs out of the condo, not wanting to reveal to Buster that he just broke the fourth wall)
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: So, Jaylynn, you want to hang out tonight?
JAYLYNN: Bang? Who bangs girls? ME?! Is that what you're implying, Sparky?! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I BANG GIRLS?!
(long pause)
SPARKY: I said hang out. I didn't know banging girls was supposed to be on tonight's agenda. I'm just saying, it's a Friday night...
JAYLYNN: But why have homosexual sex on Fridays? Why can't we just go to TGI Friday's then?... (Jaylynn keeps stabbing her sweet potato fries) We can just get some food to satiate your fetish.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, you're starting to scare me.
JAYLYNN: Then I must be an evil genius.
(RK walks in the lunchroom, wearing a pink bunny costume and a detective's hat)
RK: RK the Sleuth approaching lunchroom table. Attempting to crack the case of Jaylynn's sexuality. Sparky is having himself a tuna fish sandwich. For his sake, there better not be a screw in there.
(Sparky looks at RK for a couple seconds)
SPARKY: RK, why the (bleep) are you dressed like the Easter Bunny's prostitute?
RK: This wasn't my first choice. But my Sherlock Holmes costume has chocolate syrup all over it for reasons I don't feel comfortable going into right now.
SPARKY: You could just wear one of your hip-hop outfits. Kids are staring.
RK: Sparky, you can't sleuth while wearing a stupid gold chain. Think, man, think!
(Sparky rolls his eyes)
RK: RK the Sleuth in hot pursuit of Ms. Hernandez. She's eating her fries. She's highly annoyed. She's staring at me like if I don't get out of her face right now, she's going to duff me. Lord knows I don't want to get duffed.
JAYLYNN: Why are you wearing that?
RK: Jaylynn is inquiring about my bunny costume. Her inquisitive personality is in full force this afternoon.
JAYLYNN: Just answer the question!
RK: Jaylynn wants nothing more than for me to answer her question. I'm kind of on the fence about answering said question, due to me explaining the situation to Sparky...moments ago.
SPARKY: RK, JUST ANSWER THE (BLEEP) QUESTION!
RK: I'M SLEUTHING! This is the outfit you wear when you sleuth. See the hat? And I'm noticeably wearing it at a jaunty angle.
SPARKY: No, you're not. It's straight on the top of your head.
RK: Oh, good point.
(RK tilts his detective's hat so now it's at a jaunty angle)
RK: Ah, that's better. I'll come back later.
(RK leaves the lunchroom while more kids laugh)
SPARKY: Hey Jaylynn, are you lesbian?
JAYLYNN: Why would you ask me something like that?!
SPARKY: Well, RK's been doing some detective work and it's kind of apparent...
JAYLYNN: Oh, so I'm a lesbian because RK's a crappy detective? Sparky, my sexuality is my own business and it has nothing to do with you.
SPARKY: But I'm your best friend. You tell me everything. What, you don't trust me or you think I'll make fun of you for being attracted to girls? Jaylynn, be smarter than that.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, I...
SPARKY: Forget it. I don't even want you to TRY justifying your weird behavior lately. You don't have to be scared of every damn thing that could go either way.
(Sparky leaves angrily, while Jaylynn takes off her backwards Portland Trail Blazers Mitchell and Ness cap and buries her face in it)
SCENE 7
SATURDAY
Buster and Wade are on a plane to Washington, D.C. The goal is to sneak into the White House and find out if the Illuminati is real. They're sitting next to each other and Buster has the window seat.
BUSTER: So what's the game plan, Johnboy?
WADE: Why does everybody call me Johnboy? Anyway, the game plan is to infiltrate the White House and prove to you there's no such thing as the Illuminati.
BUSTER: Doubt it. I'm pretty sure the Illuminati exists.
(mocking tone) WADE: Well, I'm pretty sure your theory is wrong.
(Buster angrily stares at Wade and then looks up at the screen above him)
BUSTER: Ah, man, The Day After Tomorrow? I HATE that stupid movie.
WADE: You're telling ME. I hate that movie too. It's so implausible.
BUSTER: The last good movie I've seen is Ernest Gets It In There. It was the sequel to Ernest Goes to Camp.
ERNEST: Cody, that's a wonderful tent you've put up.
CODY: Thank you, Counselor Worrell.
ERNEST: Let's both go inside it.
CODY: Sure.
(Cody follows Counselor Ernest into his tent)
WADE: So what happened after that?
BUSTER: Let's just say, it's open to interpretation.
(long pause)
WADE: Oh, that's sick.
BUSTER: Right?
SCENE 8
White House
Exterior Entrance
Washington, D.C.
WADE: Cool, the flag's up. You know what that means.
BUSTER: Ice cream?
WADE: No, it means the president's home today.
BUSTER: Then what's the signal for ice cream?
WADE: Three bells.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, I'm hungry. Let's stop at a Baskin Robbins before we go inside.
WADE: No time. Come on!
(Wade marches on, but Buster is simply looking at his nails)
WADE: Buster, I hate to be a nag, but we have a golden opportunity here.
BUSTER: Wade, as intelligent as you are, aren't you forgetting something?
WADE: No, I spit-shined my shoes before we even got to the airport in SeaTac.
BUSTER: The costumes, man! THE COSTUMES!
WADE: Oh, right. Where are they?
(Buster snaps his fingers, and in a puff of purple smoke, the two are now dressed like Secret Service members, with sunglasses and wires attached to their ears)
BUSTER: Right here.
WADE: Cool! Are you sure these will get us through the real Secret Service?
BUSTER: RK is a master of disguise. Besides, you know what they say. The costumer is always right.
WADE: You mean, the CUSTOMER is always right?
BUSTER: No, I like mine better.
(Wade rolls his eyes and sighs)
WADE: Let's go.
(Buster and Wade run up the stairs into the White House, where they are tackled immediately by Secret Service members)
BUSTER: Damn, these guys should be in NXT or something!
SS MEMBER #1: Agent Geary here. Are you two impostors attempting to assassinate President Obama?
WADE: No, we're real Secret Service members. Check out our I.D.s. We're certified to be here.
BUSTER: Yeah, certified. That means we have a certificate.
WADE: Agent Newman, please stop talking or risk getting smacked up.
AGENT GEARY: Hmmmm, you can't argue with certification. These pass. Get up, you two. And Agent Saltalamacchia, don't forget your sunglasses.
(Buster and Wade get up, and Wade puts his sunglasses back on. His sunglasses just barely survived being chipped or broken.)
AGENT GEARY: Sorry for my use of brute force earlier. We do our absolute best to protect Mr. Obama.
WADE: All in the line of duty, sir.
BUSTER: Speaking of Mr. Obama, we need to see him forthwith. We have something to present to him that is of vital importance.
AGENT GEARY: Of course. Come along, gentlemen.
(Agent Geary leads Buster and Wade to the Oval Office; Wade is in front of Buster)
(holding down his sunglasses so you can see his eyes) WADE: I had no idea you knew the word forthwith.
BUSTER: A smart guy can play the role of a clown, but a clown can't play the role of a smart guy. Remember that, Wade.
WADE: Yeah, but you...never mind.
(Obama is humming "Hail to the Chief" as he goes over bills to sign into law)
AGENT GEARY: Mr. Obama, we have two new Secret Service members to speak to you.
PRES. OBAMA: Send 'em in.
(Buster and Wade walk to the center of the room, standing right on top of the Presidential Seal)
WADE: Wow. Wait until Sparky, RK, and Jaylynn get a load of this, huh?
BUSTER: You bet. We're the first members of the group to meet the President!
PRES. OBAMA: Are you guys dwarves?
(Buster and Wade nod at each other)
WADE: No, sir. (takes off sunglasses) I'm Wade Saltalamacchia from Seattle, Washington.
BUSTER: Yes. (takes off sunglasses) I'm Detective Carter. This is Inspector Li. We need to see Soo Yung's locker right NOW!
WADE: Buster...
BUSTER: I'm trying to feel around for Obama's sense of humor.
PRES. OBAMA: I thought that was funny.
BUSTER: See. The most distinguished leader of the free world thought that my reference was funny.
WADE: Look, we're not actually part of the Secret Service. That was just a cover-up because we had to meet you and ask you a very important question.
PRES. OBAMA: So you both infiltrated this place, compromised the well-oiled machine that is our Secret Service, and posed as members in an act of complete fradulence?
BUSTER: You know, when you put those kind of stakes in there, you make it seem like a BAD thing.
PRES. OBAMA: You know what? You're not in trouble. I'm not mad at all.
WADE: Really? How so?
PRES. OBAMA: You two are just children. You probably went on a long and arduous journey to get here.
BUSTER: We were on a plane. The lasagna made me go to the bathroom, the bad episodes of Community were on and some guy spit on me when he talked to me.
PRES. OBAMA: Well, I know for sure that the journey wasn't a pleasant one.
BUSTER: You're telling ME. Imagine having to use the bathroom in turbulence.
WADE: Buster...
PRES. OBAMA: But what do you want ME...to tell YOU?
WADE: What do you know about the Illuminati?
(Obama drops his pen)
PRES. OBAMA: What did you just say?
BUSTER: He said Illuminati. What do you know about it? Is it real?
PRES. OBAMA: Don't you EVER talk to me about the (bleep) Illuminati!
WADE: Look, rumors have been circulating for four years now and we were just wondering...
(Obama takes a handgun and slaps Wade with it, causing him to fall to the floor and bleed from his nose)
BUSTER: Dude, what the hell is your problem?
PRES. OBAMA: THE ILLUMINATI IS NONE OF YOUR (BLEEP) BUSINESS!
BUSTER: Wait. So that means it IS...
(Obama grabs Buster and puts the handgun to his head. It just so happens to be a 9mm Smith and Wesson revolver.)
PRES. OBAMA: Listen to me, you naive little puke! I'm giving you the opportunity to walk away right now because if you don't, I'm going to bust your skull wide open with this gun. When Barack Hussein Obama is strapped, nobody is safe.
BUSTER: Get off of me, you jackass! I'm a white kid. I can use stand your ground in this state!
PRES. OBAMA: No, you can't. And even if you could, I'm the one with the nine, you idiot!
BUSTER: That's what YOU think.
(Buster flips over President Obama and secures the 9mm)
WADE: GET SOME, BUSTER! WAIT, YOU CAN'T KILL THE PRESIDENT!
BUSTER: Sure I can. Either he tells us about the Illuminati or I blow my brains out.
WADE: HIS brains.
BUSTER: Sorry, brain fart. HIS brains. And no one will believe a damn thing because why the hell would they arrest a white kid for shooting a black man to death? I can move to Florida and get off on stand your ground.
WADE: He's got a point.
("9mm Goes Bang" by Boogie Down Productions playing in the background)
BUSTER: Let me fire a warning shot! I want to see what happens with an audience!
(Buster shoots the roof of the White House)
WADE: YOU IDIOT!
(The Secret Service bursts in and starts shooting at Buster and Wade, who run around the House to avoid the shots of the Smith and Wessons)
PRES. OBAMA: Give me that!
(Obama takes one of the 9mm S&W revolvers and shoots Buster in his left leg)
BUSTER: DAMMIT!
WADE: OBAMA'S CRAZY AS (BLEEP)!
BUSTER: That's what RK and I have been trying to tell you. Who actually thought Obamacare was a good idea?!
(The screen goes black as a couple more gunshots are heard, and the screams of Buster and Wade)
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is reading The Autobiography of Malcolm X when there's a doorbell ring.
SPARKY: I'm coming.
(another doorbell ring)
SPARKY: I said I'm coming!
(third doorbell ring)
SPARKY: I SAID I'M (BLEEP) COMING!
(Sparky opens the door and sees RK dressed as a sailor. Sparky is bewildered while RK has a blank stare.)
SPARKY: RK, if you're trying to turn me on, just say so.
RK: Sparky, this is my new detective outfit.
SPARKY: I mean, I'm straight and I have a girlfriend, but I really appreciate the effort.
RK: I'm doing serious detective work.
SPARKY: I'll say. You look like you like it rough from the Cracker Jack guy. But in all seriousness, I think your detective work might actually have some merits. I'm starting to believe you're right. Maybe Jaylynn IS lesbian.
RK: See? My little gray cells never fail me. It's all in the timing, the intellect, and the razor-sharp ability to scope out clues.
SPARKY: You heard something I said and made a conclusion immediately. But I think it's time we get to the bottom of this.
RK: You said it, Alex Mack.
SPARKY: Yeah, we...wait, what?
RK: I called you Alex Mack.
SPARKY: Why did you call me Alex Mack?
RK: You remind me of Alex Mack, I don't know.
SPARKY: Well, I am a pretty sweet guy. I'm inclusive for the most part. I'm an upstanding kid. I don't like wearing hats all that much. But anyone can be Alex Mack.
RK: I don't think so. In this group, you're Alex, baby.
SPARKY: Look, I really don't think I'm similar to Alex Mack, but thanks for the compliment.
RK: Wasn't really a compliment, but whatever.
(Sparky looks at RK bored; doorbell ring)
SPARKY: It's open.
(Jaylynn comes in)
SPARKY: Oh, something Jaylynn this way comes.
RK: I wish I could come up with snappy anecdotes like that.
JAYLYNN: Look, I have two things to say. One, I don't know why RK is dressed like that.
RK: No one understands my process! GAH!
JAYLYNN: And I haven't been honest with you guys. I've been hiding something from you for a really long time and I'm tired of keeping it to myself. The truth is...I'm lesbian.
SPARKY: We know. Instinct.
JAYLYNN: You do?
SPARKY: Yeah.
RK: You want to sit down so we can talk about it?
JAYLYNN:...Yeah.
SCENE 10
The next scene is in the White House. Buster's asleep face is given a closeup, and he starts to come to.
BUSTER: What the hell happened?
(Buster looks around. He's in a large, dark room with Wade, who is coming to.
WADE: Good Lord, I feel like I'm still on a bender after the Red Sox won the World Series.
BUSTER: You got drunk after the Red Sox beat the Cardinals?
WADE: It's a long story. Where are we?
BUSTER: I have no idea. All I remember is getting shot.
WADE: Me too. But there are no wounds on me.
(long pause)
BUSTER: Wade, I think Obama was hiding something. And it has to do with the Illuminati.
WADE: Well, we're going to have to find out. And when we do, I'm going to make sure that bastard is locked up for everything he did to us. I can't believe I voted for him.
BUSTER: Can the trial be in Florida?
WADE: Of course.
(The door opens with a blinding light)
AGENT GEARY: The President wants to see you.
BUSTER:...OK.
(Buster and Wade walk back into the Oval Office, which has a couple bullet holes now)
PRES. OBAMA: Hello boys.
WADE: Barack, what the hell was that about? Is this a stupid trick? Because I know a thing or two about stupid tricks.
We flashback to a scene where Buster is performing a magic trick for Wade at his house.
BUSTER: In my hand is your dollar bill.
WADE: OK.
BUSTER: I fold it once. (Buster folds it once) Twice. (Buster folds it again and puts it in his pocket) Now it's gone.
(Buster gives Wade a bored look and leaves with the dollar bill; Wade is dumbfounded)
PRES. OBAMA: Boys, I know your minds are racing with confusion over this whole thing. But I'm prepared to work out a deal.
BUSTER: What deal could you possibly make?! YOU TRIED TO KILL US!
PRES. OBAMA: I didn't want either of you to know the truth, but it's too late for that now. The Illuminati is real.
(long pause)
WADE: What?!
BUSTER: It's real?! HELL YEAH! (to Wade) YOU SUCK, BOY! (Buster slaps Wade and then does this weird celebratory dance that moves his arms and legs around in a fiery explosion of flailing limbs and floppy passion)
PRES. OBAMA: Yes, the Illuminati is 100% existent. But it's not the Illuminati you think it is.
(in-stereo) BUSTER AND WADE: What are you talking about?
PRES. OBAMA: Come with me.
(Buster and Wade follow President Obama to the other room; Buster is looking at pictures of past Presidents and their families)
BUSTER: You know, they really should put up pictures of the Presidents' dogs. Might really class up the joint.
(Wade simply stares at Buster)
WADE: Oh...
BUSTER: My...
WADE: God.
BUSTER: Science.
("Hail to the Chief" playing in the background)
(Obama opened up a large room with hundreds of books and a couple people in there reading; the others are working like an assembly line, and some are rolling carts around for the hell of it)
PRES. OBAMA: Do you boys know what Illuminati even means?
BUSTER: Satan worshippers?
WADE: Idiots?
PRES. OBAMA: Enlightened. That's what Illuminati means. These are the most enlightened people in the nation. They have advanced knowledge and have devoted their lives to helping the rest of America. One day, we hope to have one entire state join the Illuminati. That day's coming very soon.
BUSTER: So these people know all of the world's secrets?
PRES. OBAMA: Yes. They have unlocked the keys to life's toughest questions. They've even figured out the formulas for immortality, eternal youth, and a life without any ill will towards anybody.
WADE: But why keep this a secret?
PRES. OBAMA: Sometimes, knowledge can be dangerous. We can only trust certain people with this caliber of information. People think they know something, but they don't know how to apply it.
BUSTER: But why start this fake Illuminati?
PRES. OBAMA: The majority of Americans are stupid, Buster. They see celebrities as larger than life so you know what? We decided to appease them.
WADE: Yeah. You know, last week, I put up a picture of me with a lot of obvious Illuminati symbols, and this guy pointed out 24 subliminal messages out of the 10 intentional ones. Like, don't you know you're being trolled?
PRES. OBAMA: And people are stupid enough to believe in a society that's supposed to be secret. This is why we can't have nice things.
WADE: Definitely.
BUSTER: I'm stupider than I thought.
SCENE 11
Buster and Wade are on the plane back to Seattle.
BUSTER: Boy, that was quite the adventure we had.
WADE: And how.
BUSTER: Wade, I feel really stupid for believing in the Illuminati for so long.
WADE: Ah, don't get so down, Buster. At least we know there really IS a secret society out there. I had no idea Illuminati meant "enlightened." And think about this. A little over half of the country probably believes in this crap anyway.
BUSTER: You know what? One day, I really DO hope America knows the truth about the Illuminati.
WADE: They sure will. Once they're smart enough to catch on.
BUSTER: Yeah.
(long pause)
BUSTER: This might be a bad time to mention this, but I think stole one of the nines.
(Wade's eyes widen)
(The "oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh" from the Big Time Rush theme song plays in the background; exterior shot of the plane flying in the night sky and out of view to end the episode)
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now, it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Lyrics of Fury" by Eric B. & Rakim playing in the end credits)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
R.I.P. JAMES AVERY (UNCLE PHIL)
1945-2013
GONE, BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN