Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.
Edit: Fixed some typos (yay, late-night writing!) and added some stuff.
Sometimes, when Castiel is struggling to fall asleep-which is more often than not-he imagines that Dean is praying to him.
Castiel chooses from a select few memories: those that apologize (or almost-apologize) for how dismissively the Winchesters have treated him, those that hint at the idea that Dean cares for Castiel (not as a brother, not as a friend)...memories that serve to comfort Castiel when he is plagued by visions of horrifyingly familiar corpses (thousands of: vacant green eyes, pleas for mercy, crumpled forms), or wide, trusting eyes ("Kill him!" Naomi shouts, and Castiel can only watch as he plunges his blade into Samandriel's vessel), or fields of fallen angels (Castiel looks down on them-those who dare question his righteousness-and deems them unworthy of existence).
Cas, I know you're busy fighting Raphael's winged bastards, but can you at least check in with us every once in a while? It's been weeks, man. Just...just let us know you're alive, OK? I...we need to know. Can't be worrying about your feathery ass when we're supposed to be hunting...
Castiel has spent hours dissecting prayers such as this one, his ever-hopeful mind translating Dean's words into a precious message, one Castiel has sought comfort in many a night: I worry about you. I care; I care so much that the idea that you might not be safe is constantly on my mind, rendering me incapable of focusing on much else.
Cas, if you're out there, listen up: I'm coming for you. And when I find you-'cause goddamnit, I will find you, you bastard-we'll figure out how to get out of this hellhole together.
Desperation. Worry. I need you; I need you to be safe, I need you by my side. I will never give up on you; I will never stop fighting for you. And Castiel isn't entirely sure that he's imagining the "or not at all" that hangs somewhere after Dean's emphatic "together". He remembers Purgatory, remembers Dean's quest to find him, remembers Dean's refusal to accept the idea of Castiel remaining behind, remembers his determination to "find a way".
Cas, if you can hear me…I'm not gonna' say that what you did doesn't matter, or that I can forget it, but you're…family. And that's what really counts. So stop beating yourself up over this, damn it.
Castiel has learned-or at least he hopes he has-that Dean's hesitance (long pauses, fumbled words) can be more telling than what he actually says. He likes to think that Dean will never abandon him, that he sees Castiel as more than an ally (not a friend, not a brother, but a…). He takes comfort in the idea that Dean sees something redeemable in him, despite all that he has done.
The one that isn't a prayer: "We need you...I need you."
In hindsight, Castiel is sure that everything became astonishingly clear in that moment. Fighting Naomi's control, surging against her will with everything he has, with everything he is…because he can't kill Dean. Not the real Dean. The copies…she was able to force him to kill them, but never the real Dean. Not the Dean whom he pulled from Hell, the Dean whom he rebelled for, the Dean who showed him the beauty of free will, the Dean who believed in him, the Dean who searched for him for almost a year in that vast, unforgiving wilderness. Dean Winchester, the real Dean Winchester, the one Castiel…loves.
(Castiel drops his blade.)
Castiel feels like an idiot for not having realized it sooner. After everything he did for Dean, after everything he sacrificed for him…why else would he have given so much of himself to this man?
"I did it-all of it-for you."
But, of course, he was too ignorant to realize the true extent of his feelings. Before meeting the brothers, Castiel knew nothing but serenity and obedience-or at least he had thought so. Naomi's admission that she had tampered with his memories came as a shock to him; his discovery of his history of rebelliousness was anything but expected, seeing as he-and so many others-had attributed his shift in allegiance to his association with the Winchesters ("You were ruined the minute you laid hands on Dean Winchester."). But, even so…
Castiel likes to think that the Winchesters allowed him to break free of his restraints and be who he was meant to be. Without them, he never would have broken from his cycle of obeying-and-disobeying-and-being-forced-to-obey-on ce-more. The Winchesters showed him what it is to be free ("Team Free Will." Dean informs him matter-of-factly, "We may be screwed, but at least we have a cool name."), to act of his own volition, to do what he feels is right.
He has erred. So many times, Castiel has committed a wrong whilst attempting to do good: working with Crowley, being driven mad by the Purgatory souls and slaughtering thousands of his brethren (the earth is scorched by the wings of a thousand angels, and Castiel feels nothing...not until after he has lost and regained his memory, not until it is too late for his compassion to mean anything), losing the Angel tablet, casting the angels from Heaven…
But each time, each and every time he has been left unscathed (or relatively so). He has died, only to be revived, three times. Metatron's plan to have the angels reconcile was meant to be his penance, it was meant to be the realization of what Castiel thought to be his purpose: to make things right. Instead, his Grace was stolen, leaving him completely mortal. And then he found himself with the Winchesters.
Once again, the Winchesters.
All roads lead to them, Castiel cannot help but think.
(All roads lead to Dean.)
And perhaps that means he was meant to be a human.
Meant to live out his days with the Winchesters.
With Dean.
Sometimes, on those nights when even the memories and the wishful thinking cannot drive away the terrors of his past, Castiel imagines that Dean is thinking of him. Thinking of them. He pretends that Dean spends nights thinking of Castiel, of the future they could have together-two humans, in love. He imagines that his wishful thinking isn't wishful at all, that Dean's choked I need you meant as much as Castiel likes to think it did.
He imagines, and it's enough.
Most times.
A/N: I hoped you guys enjoyed my post-"I'm No Angel" feelings. Ugh, why can't Cas just stay with them? I almost fucking wept. Fucking Ezekiel: his unwillingness to tell Dean why the angels are after him struck me as very odd and made me lose my trust in him. At least we get Charlie next week. Until next time!