AN: This is my random present to StawberryxXxKitty-san! (Yes, I know I kill her username whenever I try to type it. That's just how I am.) She asked for a Mary-sue parody... and here one is.

THE MONSTROUS MARY SUES!!

Chapter One.

Luffy lay on the deck, staring at the sun.

"Luffy, that's bad for your eyes." Remarked Sanji.

"Cool. Like, totally, dude." Replied Luffy.

"Oh, our fanfic has reached the boring stage where we do nothing."

"Yup. Totally. Like, dude."

"..."

All of a sudden there was the inevitible cry for help.

--Insert lousy rescue scene right here--

"Hey, stranger! Are you all right?!"

The stranger threw back their wet hood, because for some reason they had been wearing a hoodie on the middle of a warm day while drowning. Suprisingly, or perhaps, not so suprisingly, her face was composed of delicate, beautiful features and she had smoldering silver eyes.

"Ooh! My fair lady!" Sanji ws very happy with this development, and watched in spellbound amazement as the girl completely removed her robe, leaving her in a white bikini and long white boots. "Oooooh!" The chef was acting like a seven year old who had just woken up on Christmas.

"My name is Andrealisbethjerriloonaprettygoddessofloveamora, but you can call me Raevyn." Said the girl, her ankle legnth, violet hair swirling becomingly about her beautiful angelic features.

Luffy sat up, and yawned. "Do you have any steak?"

"...What?" The young woman seemed taken aback. She placed one slim hand upon her copious bosom, and looked at Luffy with a slightly comfused, hurt look on her innocent face.

"Do you have any steak."

"I... don't understand..." Raevyn slunk away from Sanji and stood by Luffy, leaning over and putting her face up next to his face. The scent of roses and lillies wafted from her hair, and a single tear rolled down her imaculate cheek.

"Do. You. Have. Any. STEAK?!"

"Why are you yelling? I... must have hurt your feelings..."

"Actually, no..." Luffy was very confused.

"MY FEELINGS COULD NEVER BE HURT AROUND YOU!!" Guess which Strawhat said that and I'll take you off my list of idiots.

The maiden pulled away from Luffy slightly, and sighed. "I want to join this crew."

"Hell no!" That came from Nami, who was deeply pissed off at the perfect looking intruder.

"Wh-why do you all hate me...?"

"Because you can't do anything useful."

"...I can too! Let me fight!"

Sanji giggled insanely and said, "I'LL FIGHT YOU!"

"Oh, Sanji... of course..." Raevyn jumped in the air and went flying at Sanji, who panicked and kicked at her in reflex before his "MUST NOT HURT LADY" instincts kicked in. Suprisingly, the blow only bruised his foot as he cried out in pain and collapsed to the deck, clutching at his foot. The girl pulled out a long, slim dagger and held it to Sanji's throat, whispering, "I thought you wanted to fight...?"

The blonde dizzily kicked the knife from her hand, but she punched him in the face, the angelic innocent look on her face replaced by a glare that was purely predatory and blood thirsty. The girl was about to make a little, "If that wasn't good enough to let me join, you must be superhuman." speech, but she could not resist. Raevyn turned her face towards Sanji and began to lick his neck, which everyone else saw as a disgusting come on, but Sanji could feel her razor sharp teeth. Her violet hair swirled around them as she bit down on...

Air.

Sanji was crouched a few feet away, screaming bloody murder.

Raevyn was about to finish him off, having lost all control of acting like a human, but found herself pinned down by Zoro, Nami, Usopp, and Luffy all at the same time. "We need to talk, Raevyn."

"Firstly. Your not really named Raevyn, are you...?"

"N-n-noooo, I'm..." She hesitated, the look on her face impossibly pitiful. Usopp began to release his hold, and Zoro was tempted to follow, but Nami slapped them both. "You were saying, girl?"

"M-m-mary S-s-sue number eighty three point oh-two."

The Strawhats exchanged glances, before sighing. "That's the fith one this week." Usopp said quietly.

Zoro shuddered. "They all look so normal, until you actually talk to them..." As they spoke about how frightening Mary Sues were, they released their grip on Number Eighty Three point oh-two. She jumped forward, screaming, "Nooo! I MUST JOIN THE CREW!" And bit Sanji's neck. She was about to drink his blood, but Zoro sliced off her head in silence. Her blood was a silky silver violet stream that smelled like roses. Sanji winced as it hit his face.

"Zoro! I was going to kill this one!"

Sanji blinked, as the world was going out of focus. "Hey, guys? I think, this one was, venemous..."

"Aw crap!" They quickly injected him with some text-antibodies, which came from an excellent book known as Shonen Jump Magazine. In a few moments, he was feeling normal again.

"Now, everyone except for Usopp has been bit at least once..."

"No one bit Luffy!"

"Actually..." Zoro read off of a list. "The first one, months ago, wanted Luffy. He's only had three since then. Sanji has had a ton, about ten went after him, and I've been bit..." He stared into space, calculating. "Seventy times."

-Stunned silence-

"And there have been a total of five Gary Stus that wanted Nami."

-More of that stunned silence-

It was the bandaged chef that broke the silence. "We need a defense system, other than one shows up and we wait till she does something Mary-Sueish."

Everyone nodded and got to work.

END.

AN: I just wrote this because my brain is too dang fried to work on Sanji's Troubles. Sorry, peeps. This is what I'll work on when I feel stupidatefiezzled.