I have lost my illusions
Sam Winchester thought love could conquer all.
He thought that since his brother loved him enough to seal his soul for him that he could love him back enough to save that soul.
He believed that their love, while forbidden on every level, could face the world and come back victories.
He spent every moment of every day and night for a year searching...believing that his love was as strong as his brother's for him.
It was only when Dean's face to face with him, the devil behind him...demanding payment, does Sam give his love his last kiss then embrace the world of darkness alone.
I have drowned in your words
He spent five years searching for clues during the day, and listening to his brother's screams at night. He obsesses over each word, each moan.
He searched, hunted, killed, stole. Devoting himself completely to a hopeless clue.
He only gave in when he heard his brother's faint voice in the darkness call out in a final cry of pain.
I have left my confusion to a cynical world.
He tried to make sense of it al one night. Why he'd ever thought leaving for Standford was a good idea. Why he ever resisted his brother's love for as long as he did. Why he spent all of that last year buried in a book when he could have been buried in his brother. Why Dean got to die for love and he had to die alone.
Sam lifted his brother's favorite gun to his mouth and closed his eyes...thinking only of finally being with Dean again. Somewhere where nothing matter but them.