Why Sirius?

Why him of all persons?

I know our relationship wasn't perfect.

I know we've had problems, and ignoring them just seemed to be the easiest solution.

How did we get that far?

Everything seemed so wonderful in the beginning. You had always been so nice, I had felt like I was walking on air and I couldn't believe you were real.

I was reluctant to accept it for a very long time. I didn't think it could ever work, but you never gave up on showing me that you were serious, that I was the only one for you. And when you looked at me with your warm amber eyes, I was completely lost.

You said you had tried with Sirius, but it just hadn't worked. Even then I was jealous, although I didn't really have a reason. I never thought you could be interested in me. Why should an amiable, intelligent and, above all, handsome Gryffindor like you want me when nobody else did?

I never understood it and I still don't. Maybe it was the charm of the inapproachable, the conquest nobody had ever made before. Not that anybody had ever tried.

Now the charm is gone. Maybe I'm not that perfect after all, maybe you simply felt like you had to sacrifice too much for the relationship. I can understand that, really - I have never been able to believe you could keep all your promises anyway. I wanted to, yes... I wanted it so much, and I was naive enough to tell myself again and again that it could be possible. It was just too tempting to believe that someone could really love me. But how was that supposed to work when I couldn't even stand myself?

The silence hurt more than an argument could ever have but I didn't dare say anything, didn't want to make everything worse than it already was. Angry words, I thought, didn't help anybody. You often thought differently and I just accepted it. At least one of us had to be reasonable, right?

Now I know: I should have told you before it was too late. But who would want a Severus Snape that gets cheeky? I didn't want to miss my chance with you and that's what made everything even worse.

I have always envied your friends, who could spend time with you day and night while I was often excluded. Bloody Sorting Hat. Yet during the day I never really felt comfortable in their presence. I felt out of place, and even though you apparently made them accept me, I always knew that I'd never be part of their world.

And now we're left with the remains of a relationship that had once been so wonderful but only hurts now.

You were snogging with Sirius, you admitted today. I didn't know what to say; I felt empty inside. Do you understand how much it hurt? And yet I can't cry.

Why Sirius? Do you know that you couldn't have done anything more cruel? This person who could never stand me, who was just waiting for an opportunity to get his own back at me and tear us apart because he couldn't bear not being the most important person in your life? I can't believe there's nothing behind it, even if you say so. Loneliness, certainly, but don't you think I'm lonely too?

Is it because you never forgot about him after it didn't work between the two of you? Maybe you have always hoped that you might get another chance, and it was nice to have me as a backup plan. Not that handsome, but always available if need be.

I can't believe you're so starry-eyed. Don't you see that he just wants to hurt me? I can't imagine that he really wants you, not the way I want you. I probably should have told you more often how much you mean to me, but now there's nothing I can do anymore. You wouldn't believe me anyway and I can only watch him hurt you, too.

I used to be sure that I could endure anything as long as you just stayed with me, but I'm not sure anymore if you're doing it because of me or simply because you're afraid of being lonely. You're worried that you won't find anybody else who would want you - although I never understood why.

It's so easy - Sirius would have always been there, even without any annoying ties! So why stick to me? Do you pity me?

I don't need that. I need someone who loves me for who I am, not because he's afraid of being alone. Someone who chooses only me and doesn't just come to me when he feels like it.

Maybe I don't deserve someone like that, but there's one thing I do deserve: an honest answer. Do you want me - or not?

There's still a little bit of hope left. Today Sirius approached me and grudgingly delivered a message from you, saying that you wanted to meet me tonight. He didn't look too happy about it. I wonder what this place behind the Whomping Willow might be, but I hope we'll get the opportunity to talk about everything.

I'll ask you then - one last time. Merlin may decide whether we'll break up or not. But one question will always stay with me:

Why Sirius?