Ever wondered why, when you want to say something, the words just won't come out? You get angry at something, you want to shout and scream at them; make them understand what you're so mad at them for. Of course, the words don't come though. An hour later, when the situation's defused, and the arguments all forgotten, you remember exactly what it was you wanted to say. Can plan the speech word for word, every nuance, every slight inflection on every word. You can make it word perfect in your head. But of course, it's too late by then. The time's past, the moment's gone. You're left looking pathetic and nursing your pride.

Or is it just me? She makes me so mad sometimes. And before you ask, it's not just work related. Although, yes, I will admit that we do argue about work. A lot. But it's not the only thing. Honest. For example, we argue about…our relationship. Hey, I'm serious. We argue a lot about our relationship. Mainly about where it's headed. You see, unlike every chick lit book written, I don't have a problem with commitment. She does. Not surprised, are you? She's not exactly hard to read. Career minded, fiercely independent, won't admit that sometimes, just sometimes, she needs a little looking after, too. Oh no. That's far too much to actually say, to admit to. Can't be seen as being weak. Has to be the strong one. Always. Don't want to be seen as being needy, as possibly needing something from me.

Ok, I have a little issue with it. But I have every right to be. You don't believe me? How many relationships have you had that have lasted longer than a month [you answered too quickly, I haven't finished the question yet] with no one knowing about it? She liked the secret. And, yeah, at times it could be exciting. But having to think up excuses all the time for simple things to cover your tracks. Having to lie to friends. Having to take two cars home because of the fear of being seen. It gets old, fast. Ok, so maybe a month's not long. And she did tell them in the end. We told them in the end. Ok, ok, I told them and made her deal with it. That's not the point. Getting back. Guess how long we've been together. And yes, smart-ass, it's longer than a month. A year, three months and twenty-two days (what? I have a calendar sat in front of me) Wanna know how many times she's stayed the night (or day, depending on who's on a shift)? Never. Not once. Wanna know how many times we've slept at hers? You got it- never. The only time I've been to her place is when I'm picking her up.

I could go on, but I think you get the point- she has a problem with commitment. Told you we argued about something other than work. And boy, can we argue. Unfortunately, unlike me, she has no problems getting her words out, or saying exactly what's on her mind. Or with storming out. And no, that's not why she's never stayed the night. We don't argue all the time. It just feels like it sometimes.

Her solution? When I asked her why we had to argue about everything, she said I should stop reading so much into things and stop bugging her with questions that she didn't have the answer to. And then she stormed out.

Tonight, however, things are gonna change. You see, I have a plan. Neither of us are working. Catherine's promised to keep Gris on a leash and not get any ideas about calling either of us unless it's an absolute emergency. Tonight everything is gonna change. Tonight, is decision night.

Duh duh duh.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Anyway, I'm preparing everything so that it's perfect. She's due to come over at eight. Which means she could be here any time from seven onwards. She can't be even the suggestion of late to anything.

Nicky's just dropped round some flowers I asked him to pick up for me. White long stem lilies. Even he commented on the smells wafting from the kitchen. Thank you Gamma for teaching me how to cook. I've borrowed (or stolen) the recipe from her.

I don't have a dining room, it's basically lounge, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom, so I've set up the lounge for dinner. You know, soft music, candles ready to be lit (I made the mistake once of lighting the candles too early, and got plunged into darkness halfway through the main course). A low table takes up the centre of the room, surrounded by throw cushions. This is half because I don't have a proper dining table, and half because it's so relaxed and intimate eating that way. All right, if I'm honest, I haven't brought the former because of the latter. It's so much easier if you don't actually have to move anywhere to round out the evening. It's surprisingly comfortable.

The room's perfect. I look…well; I've done my best. I smell of her favourite aftershave. I'm dressed casual in shirt and trousers. If I'm really lucky she'll be wearing a dress. I know, I was as surprised as you that she actually owns one. And I'd been going out with her for getting onto six months when she chose to wear one. I had to take a picture once to prove it to Nick. Lets just say, that argument was entirely one sided, and it wasn't till I pointed out how damn sexy she looked; that I had wanted to show her off that she had softened slightly. That argument I won, mainly because you can't argue real well when someone's showing you how sexy you are. And boy is she sexy.

It's all set up. And it's only half five. Umm. Oops. Guess I got a bit carried away. The next few hours, I while away doing stupid chores, flicking through the TV channels. When the doorbell finally went at half seven, I was just finally settling into an animal show on Discovery.

She looked drop dead gorgeous. That's the truth. I see her at work, I've seen her in bed, and she still takes my breath away. And she was wearing a dress, a new one by the look of it, backless summery print dress that floated around her body. I think I'm staring. Yep, I'm staring.

She chuckles, kissing me lightly on the chin. She won't take me serious when I tell her she's stunning, but at least she's stopped that annoying habit of correcting me. Now she just accepts that I like looking at her, and even gives me a twirl. 'Hey.' She says. 'Wow, this place looks great, and you.' She cocked her head to one side as if appraising me, 'look gorgeous as ever.'

I told her she was stunning. And I liked the dress. 'Just as long as Nick doesn't end up with prints of this one.' She joked. At least I think she was joking. With her it was sometimes hard to tell.

'Something smells good.' She said as we walked through. She knows I can cook now. I know she can't. See, we're meant to be together. She looks back at me, waiting to hear what it is. Just stir fry. She doesn't believe me. It's my special stir fry but I don't tell her that.

We do the news of the day thing, get drinks, I finish dinner. We eat. It's all relaxed and intimate. I remember to light the candles half way through. And you didn't believe that we could sit down and not argue, did you? Admit it.

We're just settling back against one of the sofas, letting dinner settle, when I remember the plan. I'd got so caught up in being with her I'd totally forgotten the reason for being here tonight wasn't just to be with her. Well, it was. But.

I took a deep breath, and it was almost as if the air changed. She knows me well. She was sitting up and looking round at me before I'd even had the chance to utter a word.

Now seemed as good as time as any. And if all else failed, there were enough cushions scattered that I could take her half way to forgetting anything.

'I want us to move in together.' Stalling doesn't work. Stalling doesn't rub with her. If you've got something to say, she'd much rather you just say it. She does.

'Why?' She asks bewildered. And that's what I'm talking about. She just doesn't get the whole commitment thing.

'Because…I want to wake up in the morning with you. I want to eat breakfast with you, share a paper with you. Do everyday things like shopping and washing and I don't know gardening with you.'

'You don't have a garden.'

'That's not the point; I want to do all the normal, everyday stuff with you. I want to have you around all the time.'

Ever see a fish tread water? I would imagine it would look something like Sara right now. You see, in her natural environment she's strong, she's sassy, she's got a reply for everything. But even hint about taking that away and she starts panicking. Hence the fish gag.

I grab her hands, mostly so she doesn't get any ideas of bolting at anytime. 'I want us to get our own place, somewhere to share, that's ours.'

I give her a moment for this to sink in, not wanting to completely overwhelm her.

'Sara, we've been together over a year and you still haven't stayed till the morning. I hate having you leave in the middle of the night. I hate you just leaving, really.'

'You want us to live together.' She seemed to be struggling with the facts here.

'Yes.' I answered patiently. I could be as patient as anything at this moment.

'You want us to find our own place, together.'

Her degree wasn't in English Language, was it?

Her brain finally seemed to be catching up with us, as I could see her expression changing. 'Why does it have to change? I thought we were in a good place.'

This is a dangerous question. If I answer in anything but the positive to that, then she'll think I'm saying our relationship is bad. But damnit, I'm not in a good place. I want to see her in the morning, morning breath as well.

'No.'

'No?'

I had to get in quickly before the fireworks started. 'I want more from our relationship.'

She looked at me then, really seriously. There was gonna be no backing out of this conversation now. I don't think even sex would get her mind off it totally.

'More?'

'Yes.' I answer simply.

'What if I don't?'

I go to shrug, but it's a futile gesture, doesn't mean anything.

'Then you don't. But I don't know how much longer I can go on. We see each other at work. We go out on dates. But I don't want it to seem we only see each other when it's prearranged- I want to just be with you, just because.'

'Because, what?'

'I love you, Sara. You know that. I want a relationship with you, I want to share my life with you. And I know that scares you- I know you're about to disagree, but just think about it. I'm not doing this to scare you. I want to be with you.'

'You're not having fun anymore?'

She's trying to get me to say that I don't like this relationship. We've been down this path so many times I know exactly what strategies she's going to employ.

'This isn't about having fun. This is about you and me. Together.' The only difference tonight is that I'm not going to let her get away with saying that why change the relationship when it's going so well. And it is. I love being with her. Is it so wrong to want more from her?

'I can't keep having this same argument with you.' I added.

I'm treading on very dangerous ground here. I can just imagine Nick shaking his head as I tell him why Sara and I are no longer a couple. It's not a pretty thought.

She still hasn't said anything. She's either thinking very hard or she's wondering how to leave without fireworks.

So I jump in. I've ventured in this far. But it's like paddling around in the kid's pool in your shorts with the water just up to your knees. I was always the jumping in the deep end kind of guy. So I leap. Boy do I leap.

'I know you could quite happily carry on as we were. And so could I. For a time. But there's always gonna be a part of me that wants more, and if you don't want that, then I don't know how much of a future we can have. I know you're independent, you want your own life. But living together doesn't mean giving up your life, it just means sharing it with me, and I don't see why that can be so bad.'

'I'll stay over.' She finally said. Like it was a big move, the winning move. And any other day it might have been. I might have been happy with it. It was progress.

'No.' It's not what I want anymore.

'No?' She questions all confused.

I like the way she looks when she's confused. She's got this small crease that appears just above her right eye. Her eyes scrunch up. And I just want to kiss her and move on to more fun things. Contrary to popular belief I don't like arguing with her. That much. Not that this is an argument. Yet. But it's like a storm. That eerie silence you get just before darkness falls and the clouds open and you're soaked before you even think of getting inside. But I press on. I'm going for gold tonight.

'No. I want you. I want all of you, to know all of you. And while we keep insisting on maintaining separate lives I'm never gonna know you completely. I want you to trust me, to need me as much as I need you. I want you to trust me to be there without having this safety net, this other life you can retreat back into. I want us to live together.'

There you go. I've said it. I've refused the first offer, and haggled more. I'm going for everything. I think our relationship deserves that.

Now I just have to wait. And this is the tricky bit. See, Sara has the perfect poker face. In fact, we've played poker. Strip poker if you have to know. (she wouldn't bet for money for some reason.) And her face doesn't give anything away. Not that that was why I ended up in boxers first. I just wanted to get as many clothes removed to make it quicker when the game finished for us to have sex. For some reason, Sara didn't believe me when I told her that. Of course, she didn't argue the point that much. Could be something to do with what I was doing with my tongue at that point. I am multi talented.

So anyway, I'm sitting here, watching her. And I have no clue what she's thinking. Normally this doesn't bother me. I can sit and watch her for hours. Today it's different. Today my heart is on the line. Today I want her not to have to think. 'Sara.' She meets my look, finally. 'Tell me what you're thinking.'

'I'm thinking that I love you.'

Normally I love it when she says that. But in this type of conversation it's normally not good. Because in this type of conversations it's normally followed by but…

'But?' Of course I jump in, getting ready to argue, feeling the heat, the anger, the passion. The hurt, the pain.

'No but.' She whispered softly, defeating all the anger in a heartbeat. 'Just I love you.'

Now I'm the one confused. 'What's the catch?' I ask suspiciously.

'I used to like having my own apartment. To know I could have that to get back to. But lately I've been feeling lonely there.'

I go to ask why she didn't say anything but she carries on, answering my question before I ask it. 'I didn't say anything because I didn't know how to. I…I was scared that you wouldn't want to live with me. I know you want me to stay the night. I just never realised till now that you wanted me to stay every night.'

Wow. Sara just admitted she was scared. I think I must have died and gone to heaven.

'Of course I wanted you to stay.' I say incredulous that she could think I didn't.

'Hum. We're a right pair aren't we?' She asks jokingly, her fingers, out of mine, doing a slow walk up my chest. I think about what is about to come and get brain freeze. 'Do you know how much I love you right now?' She asks rhetorically. At least I hope it was rhetorical. My brains still stuck in go slow.

Then four words fall from my lips that were totally unplanned. I put it down to getting everything without that much of a fight. That I got gold, so now I wanted platinum. Either that or thoughts of her sent me temporarily insane.

'Will you marry me?'

My heart actually stops as I hear myself say that. Whoa, whoa whoa. I hadn't meant that. I really hadn't meant to say that. Now I've blown it. I've just got her to agree to live with me, and now I've got to go and ruin it all by asking that dumb question. I have gone mad. Shoot me now.

'Yes.' She whispers without the slightest hesitation.

The thing I love most about this girl? She always surprises me. you can think you know her so well then she says something that completely makes you reassess her.

And then I can't think anymore because Sara's showing off how multi skilled she is.