The Legend of Zelda- The New Hero Time
A long time last week, in a chair not too far away, sat a gamer by the name of Tucker, he was playing The Legend of Zelda, ocarina of time. With a storm rumbling outside, Tucker had begun a new file and was just getting back form the bathroom while the deku tree was jabbering about something…
Tucker: Finally, will you ever shut up you stupid tree?
Tucker picked up his coke and started to take a drink, just as the can reached his lips, lightning struck outside and Tucker dropped the can onto his Nintendo 64, which caused a rip in time, or something, which teleported him to a far away land… Tucker fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a forest he had never seen before…
Tucker: Ohhh, man, that sucked…
Tucker looked around and sat up, to realize that he was laying on someone… Tucker quickly jumped to his feet and looked down to see a small child dressed in green, and looked around if there was anybody else around… Seeing that there wasn't Tucker knelt down to see if the kid was alive… After a quick pulse-check, Tucker realized that he had fallen onto Link, the hero of time…
Tucker: Oh, crap, I'm screwed…
Tucker took off running, then realized something and ran back to link's body… He turned Link over and took his rupee bag and his hat… He put the hat on and tucked the bag into his pocket. Then he ran off. After a little walk Tucker noticed a strange giant log that seemed like a gate to another place… After walking through it he was stopped by another kid.
Kid: Wait, who are you?
Tucker: I'm uh… Tucker, a fellow kokiri, like you…
Kid: You are?
Tucker: See, look, I have a green hat…
Kid: Really? Well that changes everything! Come on in!
Tucker: Thanks…
Tucker walked into what he could barely believe was kokiri village… Tucker looked around and saw the blonde girl on the big podium, the guy pulling on the rock, and Mido, who was walking by…
Tucker: Oh, my, god…
Kid: What's wrong?
Tucker: I can't believe that it could be as simple as me pouring a coke on my Nintendo that would teleport me into your world…
Kid: What?
Tucker: Oh, I mean, uh, magic, and other stuff…
Kid: Oh, magic, well, we are good at that!
Tucker: No you're not, you a bunch of kids with no natural talents, the only one of you who could actually do something was link, and he's not even a kokiri!
Kid: That reminds me, have you seen link? Hes been gone for hours…
Tucker: Uh, no I haven't seen him…
Kid: I see, well, he was supposed to go to see the great deku tree, and since hes not here, could you do it?
Tucker: Uh, sure, I'll go do it…
Kid: Thanks
Tucker walked over to the alley that led to the great deku tree's meadow. Upon entering he ran into a small flying light. The light ran smack dab into his face and fell to the ground…
Tucker: Dang, what was that?
Light: You jerk, watch where you're going!
Tucker: Navi?
Navi: Do I know you?
Tucker: No, I don't think so…
Navi: Well, how did you-
Navi looked Tucker up and down, and floated taken totally aback…
Navi: Are you a kokiri?
Tucker: Sure, why not?
Navi: Are you going to see the great deku tree?
Tucker: Yeah, you going to see link?
Navi: Uh, yeah, how did you know that?
Tucker: Ive played through this game a couple of times before...
Navi: Huh?
Tucker: Oh, I mean, Mido told me…
Navi: Oh, well, since you're here, I'll just go with you…
Tucker: Fair enough…
Tucker and Navi walked into the deku tree meadow and Navi flew over to the deku tree…
Navi: Great deku tree, I brought someone to help you…
Deku Tree: Someone? You were supposed to get Link…
Navi: Who are you?
Tucker: I'm Tucker…
Deku Tree: Tucker? Where's Link?
Tucker: Hes not here, I came to help you instead…
Deku Tree: I don't want your help, what could you possibly do that link couldn't?
Tucker: Let's see, what could I, a six-foot guy, do that a three and a half-foot tall kid, can't do?
Deku Tree: Huh, well, what I need is-
Tucker: Yeah-yeah, go inside you, kill ghoma, yadda, yadda, yadda…
Deku Tree: Um, yeah, that's right…
Tucker: Great, thanks…
Tucker walked forward and the deku tree opened his "mouth" and Tucker walked inside… Upon entering, Tucker realized that he didn't have a weapon…
Tucker: Aw, dang, I completely forgot to get the kokiri sword!
Navi: What? You did?
Tucker: Yeah, what should we do? I can't clear this out without a sword…
Navi: Oh, well, I'm not sure…
Tucker: Wait, this is a game, I mean a real place, so maybe I can use a cheat…
Navi: How will cheating help us?
Tucker: Like this… GameShark cheat number 23 power, ACTIVATE!!
With the activation of the cheat, biggoron's sword appeared on Tucker's back.
Navi: How did you do that?
Tucker: Magic?
Navi: Oh, okay…
Tucker walked over to a ladder and started to climb it when a deku monster attacked him.
Tucker: Ow! Plant butthole!
Tucker drew his sword and swung it…
Tucker: DIE! Yeah, what?! That's how I roll, plant!
Navi: Wow, that was pretty good…
Tucker: These are new shoes, nothing's happening to these for at least three weeks after I got these…
Navi: What kind of shoes are those?
Tucker: Nike XDR's… Yeah…
Navi: Never heard of those… But, let's keep moving, we have to help the deku tree…
Tucker: Uh, huh, fairy-that-doesn't-know-the-tree's-gonna-die-anyway says what…
Navi: What?
Tucker: Exactly…
As Tucker reached the top of the ladder he walked up to a door, and Navi stopped him.
Tucker: What?
Navi: I have to tell you how to open doors, so you can-
Tucker: I think I can handle it…
Tucker walked in the room and easily remembered it as the room where he got the slingshot…
Tucker: Okay, let's see…
Tucker jumped out onto the floating platform, then just as it crumbled away, he jumped over and landed on the ledge with the chest on it… Tucker opened the chest and pulled out the slingshot.
Navi: Okay, now that you've got that, let me tell you how you can-
Tucker: Actually, you know what, since I'm so tall, I doubt I even need this…
Tucker jumped down and walked over to the wall, and reached up to the ledge by the door. Tucker pulled himself up and opened the door.
Navi: Link never could have done that!
Tucker: Yeah, I'm cool…
Navi: Let's move on now…
Tucker: Gotcha.
Tucker walked over to a vine-covered wall with skultulas on it…
Tucker: Ugh, I should have remembered this, stupid spiders…
Navi: Well, shoot them with the slingshot…
Tucker: Oh yeah, right on…
Tucker loaded up a seed and took out the spiders easily…
Navi: Good shooting!
Tucker: Thanks, Navi… Up we go…
Tucker climbed the wall and jumped over to the ledge… He kept walking and got ready to turn a corner, when a giant skultula dropped down out of nowhere and knocked Tucker down.
Tucker: Holy crap! That's a big freakin' spider!!
Navi: Are you afraid of spiders?
Tucker: NO! What gave you that
idea?
Navi: Well, kill it…
Tucker: Oh, right… Okay spider, you go squish now…
Tucker cut the web holding the spider up and as it fell to the ground floor, Tucker slipped on a bit of web and fell down with it. Just as Tucker hit the ground, he straightened out and landed on the spider, splattering its guts everywhere…
Tucker: Did I just fall three stories and land on my feet?
Navi: Yeah, so?
Tucker: Sweet…
Navi: One problem…
Tucker: What's that?
Navi: You were supposed to fall on the spider web, so you can get down another floor…
Tucker: Hmmm, let's think a little more practically…
Tucker took out his sword and cut the web off the hole…
Navi: Why didn't I think of that?
Tucker: Because, the game creators don't let you guys do anything practical…
Navi: Game?
Tucker: MAGIC!!
Navi: Oh, right…
Tucker jumped down and landed in the water…
Tucker: AWWW!! Man! Sludge water, crap on a stick! This is nasty!
Navi: Lucky for me that I can fly!
Tucker: Really?
Tucker grabbed Navi and dunked her into the water…
Tucker: What now?
Navi: You jerk, what did you do that for?
Tucker: So you can understand why I'll be complaining until I dry off…
Navi: Oh… Well, I can complain too!
Tucker: That's the way to do it!
Tucker got out of the water and walked over to a ledge with a small hole in it, and another ledge with a hole in it covered by a web…
Tucker: Practical time!
Tucker climbed up on to the ledge with the spider hole in it and cut the web off again and jumped down…
Tucker: More crap water: UGH!!
Navi: Don't dunk me again!
Tucker: I won't…
Tucker climbed out and was immediately got shot in the face with a deku nut…
Tucker: OW! What the hell was that?
Navi: A deku scrub…
Tucker: Oh, they did not just shoot me…
Navi: Yes, they did…
Tucker: I'm being whimsical… Not serious…
Tucker climbed out and quickly jumped to the side to dodge another seed, then lunged at the nearest deku scrub, which receded into the ground. Tucker turned to the others in time to see two more seeds flying at him.
Tucker: Crap…
The seeds hit Tucker in the chest and the leg. Then the third came up out of the ground again, and looked up to see Tucker staring down at it. Just as it tried to recede into the ground again, Tucker grabbed it, pulled it completely out of the ground and flung it at the other two, which were hit full force due to their shock. Tucker moved toward the scrubs, which now lied in a pile, when one of them hopped up and bowed down in front of Tucker.
Deku: Please, don't kill us, we're sorry…
Tucker: You're sorry? You shot me! I owe you some retribution…
Deku: No! Please, we'll let you in!
Tucker: All right then, you go on ahead and do that…
The deku opened the door, and Tucker walked in to the room with Ghoma in it…
Deku: I'm sorry, Queenie!
Tucker: Shut up, punk!
Tucker walked further into the room and looked around…
Tucker: Where are you?
Navi: I don't like this place…
Tucker: Close now…
Tucker pointed back and the stone wall covered the door…
Navi: What? What's happening?
Tucker looked up at the ceiling and Ghoma and he caught each other's stare…
Tucker: Get down here!
Ghoma turned over and landed on the ground and charged at Tucker. Just as it reached him, Tucker took a chunk of one Ghoma's legs off with his sword… Ghoma let out a roar, and fell over and rolled around violently… Tucker stepped on the top of Ghoma's head and it looked up at him as he sank his sword into Ghoma's eye…
Navi: DUDE!!
Tucker: Yeah, that's how I roll…
Navi: Is it dead?
Tucker: Let me check…
Tucker pulled the sword out and Ghoma erupted in flames and disintegrated.
Tucker: Answer your question?
Navi: Yes…
With that a heart container appeared where Ghoma once lied and Tucker picked it up… tucker was instantly filled with energy, this power was like nothing he had ever felt, he was so overcome he fell to his knees…
Navi: You okay?
Tucker: Wow, so that's what happens if you extend your life total… I feel fantastic; I could run a mile in like four minutes with this kind of power!
Navi: Okay… What are you talking about, and don't say magic…
Tucker: Okay, let me tell you the truth… I'm from a place called Missouri, I don't know if this place has states or if it's by any other countries, or even what year it is… But I can tell you, where I come from, this whole world of yours is a game…
Navi: What do you mean a game? Like we're not to be taken seriously?
Tucker: No, like a game we play for fun, like it's not real…
Navi: Really?
Tucker: No, not really, its all real here, everything, talking trees, magical plant monsters and giant Cyclops bosses…
Navi: Oh, that makes sense…
Tucker: Okay, let's go… Blue light power, HO!!
With that Tucker and Navi were returned to in front of the Deku tree.
Deku tree: Well done…
Tucker: Yeah, now I guess you'll want to give me the spiritual stone now…
Deku tree: How did you know about that?
Tucker: im not explaining
this anymore…
Deku Tree: Okay, here…
Tucker: Coolz… Sorry ya have to die though…
Deku Tree: What? Oh, that's ri- Ugh…
Navi: What the hell?
Tucker: Well, we're off…
Navi: But-
Tucker: I said, we're off!!
The End…………………..until next time…