This is a postscript of sorts to 4×07…. it grew off the thought of Shelagh letting all of Sister Bernadette go….
Shelagh Turner eyed herself in the mirror. It gave her the same image she saw earlier today- loose easy going hair and her glasses. Her pink cardigan was on top of her brown dress- a new favorite to her wardrobe. But, at times… she still felt like she would look in this mirror and see her wearing the habit. It wasn't something she expected- she hadn't worn a habit in over a year, but apparently somethings were harder to break- such as displays of affection even in the safety of her living room.
From the moment Shelagh had left the order, she knew she was entering a new world- a world that was vastly different from the life she had lived. As a nun, displays of affection were not done. A hug between her and Sister Julienne had happened, but it was such a rare occurrence that each time it did happen, Shelagh could remember the moment and the situation. It had vastly changed the day on this misty road… and she truly became Shelagh.
As Shelagh ran the brush through her hair, she thought back to the first fleeting moments of their romance when she had just returned to Poplar. With Patrick a busy doctor and a young son, Shelagh found herself spending the majority of time with Timothy. It allowed the two of them to form their own bond which wasn't forced. It had led to the close relationship that now existed between them- a close relationship that she often forgot that she was his stepmother. Even then, when they were courting and even engaged, she was still reserved. It was as she had told Patrick, she was now writing her own rules. Those rules, she discovered, would come back to haunt her even now.
From the beginning of their marriage, Shelagh had let Patrick lead the way. Even when she had first started as a medical secretary, there were no public displays of affection. It was something to be saved for the home and for the privacy of their bedroom. Each time she could remember a kiss on her hand or a hug, it had a special memory attached to it. The hug had been after Timothy had shown her how much he could accomplish again, and it was one of joy… and Timothy was a part of it. Hand kisses were sent during moments of comfort- a gesture that went back to her days as Sister Bernadette. It had been that first hand kiss- so long ago in the kitchen of the old clinic- that had started her on the journey to become Shelagh again…
After the adoption interview, a shift had begun to happen. Once it was made clear to both of them that spoken words were needed as well as actions, she saw her husband open up to her in brand new ways- including a dance in the living room. But even then- it was in the privacy of the living room with no watchful eyes. After Angela arrived, it was almost as if it was a brand new door had opened. It took her longer than she cared to admit for her to feel comfortable making love with her daughter sleeping nearby. Patrick had slowly eased her out of it in his own quiet way… and let her be the one to lead it.
After the conversation about her returning to work, Shelagh had noticed that Patrick was becoming more and more demonstrative with showing affection outside the home. It had been gradual- a moment in the clinic before Nurse Crane had arrived. It was simple- just a rubbing of hands as he passed Angela to her. Another instance with Nurse Crane flashed in her head, she remembered the brush of his fingers when he retrieved his ashtray…. and then his hand rubbing hers appreciatively when she brought him tea before the breakdown. The most demonstrative had been in the kitchen- but they had been alone…. and her relief was so evident, she had to kiss him and she didn't mind the hug one bit- it was needed by her as much as by him.
As Shelagh changed into her nightgown, she smiled at the the sound of Angela laughing. Patrick had volunteered to give her her bath tonight, and she didn't turn him down. It was one of the few things that gave Patrick true joy and anything that brought a smile to his face was welcomed by her. Angela had made such a difference in her life- even though she was only a year old. Her relationship with Patrick had grown by leaps and bounds, but still… she couldn't help but feel that she hadn't left Sister Bernadette behind all the way.
It was strange, but she had noticed it tonight… in the conversation in their living room. Angela was within listening distance, but really how much could she understand? Knowing that Timothy was still awake and liable to come into the room at any moment, her mind forbade her to sit any closer to Patrick. She wanted his arms around her, but she had a time convincing her head of that….
During times like these, Shelagh had found it helped her to replay the conversation or incident in her head. It had started when she was a nun- when she needed to clear her head to begin a new day with a case which had been particularly tough for her. She had discovered if she did so, she could face the situation head on and not let the past drag her down…. and tonight was one of those times…. how could she let go of Sister Bernadette and live fully as Shelagh?
Patrick: There's nothing more you could have done, my love. (That had sent a shiver down her back… oh how she loved being called that….)
Shelagh: I have to make sure it never happens again. The Maternity Home must be above error. And with that came the verbal reassurance from Patrick: We have the name tags, the identification records. She had glanced over at her precious daughter and smiled at her and said, "I couldn't love Angela more. Not even if I'd given birth to her. It's the same as I feel about Timothy." Patrick had smiled and asked a question that went straight to her heart, "And if you were in Marion or Shirley's place? If you had the choice? She had replied, "So different, what those poor parents are facing. Angela is ours. There are a billion other babies out there, but I don't think of them. Only of her. It's not about reason, or logic. This was the part that made her stop and study it… why had she become so concerned about Angela? What had made her back off? What was her reason or logic behind halting the conversation… she couldn't find any. She could tell by the way her husband had looked at her that he wanted to kiss her and instead she came up with an offhand remark, We shouldn't be talking like this in front of her.
Shelagh blushed at the thought of Patrick reaching out to kiss her… and her immediate jump back at Timothy's sassy question of asking "Do you have to?" Shelagh then smirked at her response, "Not strictly, but it embarrasses you and that keeps us entertained." Why could she be so bold in her response, but not with her husband? It was something to ponder…..
Patrick smiled as he entered the room carrying a sleeping Angela. Bath time tonight had been great fun since he and Timothy had tag-teamed wearing her out. He had about gotten soaked in the process, so he had changed into his pajamas while Timothy had read her one of Aesop's fables in his room. By the time Patrick had reentered the room, Angela was already on the way to the land of nod… and she was now sound asleep. With a gentle caress of her forehead, Patrick quietly crept away from the crib and headed toward the bed.
"You look deep in thought," Patrick said as he reached out and took one of her small hands in his. "I was just thinking…. about how much I still act like Sister Bernadette at times…" Shelagh said gently caressing his hand with her thumbs.
"What do you mean?" Patrick asked. "Earlier tonight…. I was so guarded during our conversation… worrying Angela would understand or Timothy would interrupt…and all I really wanted to do was this" Shelagh whispered as she loosened her hand gently caressed her husband on the face before leaning in to plant a gentle but thorough kiss on her husbands lips. Patrick wrapped his arms around his wife and let Shelagh be the one to take the lead and end the kiss.
When she finally did some moments later, he asked "Do you know why you didn't?" Shelagh shook her head and said, "I can't honestly figure it out…."
"I think I know why… for so long you had to hide your emotions behind your habit, much like a turtle hides itself in a shell. " Shelagh smiled softly at the analogy… yes, she very much felt like a turtle at times- afraid to stick her neck out to far… "You've also told me that you never saw it between your parents, so it's not something you can grew up with…" Patrick softly said before softly kissing her.
Shelagh pondered his answer and said, "I guess I never have thought of it that way… but it's a habit I would love to break….starting now. I want Timothy and Angela to grow up in a house where mushy stuff is shown… can you help me learn how to do it?" Patrick grinned and said, "I will gladly be your teacher….and tonight, I give you the first lesson… anytime you feel the need to kiss me- for any reason whatsoever, feel free to do so."
Shelagh smirked at him and said, "Okay, teacher." With that, she reached over to Patrick and pulled his face down for a tender kiss that grew more and more passionate with each passing second… and it led to them enjoying their marital status more than once that night.
Patrick smiled to himself several weeks later. Shelagh had begun to break out of her shell. Instead of the simple quick kisses whenever the children were around, she would now allow herself to give him the type of kiss she had wanted to do all along. It wasn't all of the time, but if the moment was right, instead of backing off back into her old habits, she would stick her head out fully and so what her heart most desired. Even the littler things- such as simple hand holding or rubbing his back affectionately was done more often in front of the kids. If she ever questioned it, her patient teacher would remind her that all was well and offer another lesson to her.