Summary: Takes place post-game, pre-AC. Cloud picks up the pieces of his life after Meteorfall, but has to come to terms realizing his mind is not quite the same since his trip through the Lifestream. Likely to be a two-chapter short fic, with Cloud dealing with short and long-term memory loss as a side effect to Mako poisoning. He finds help from an unlikely source. Established Reno/Cloud friendship/flirtation.

-still cannot fix this broken machine-

[inspired heavily by "Gave Up" by Nine Inch Nails]

Tifa's arms stiffened, triceps clenching hard as she ran the damp cleaning rag over the already-clean surface of the bar.

Swick, swick, swick.

If Tifa continued her endeavor with the same level of vehemence, she'd definitely wear the varnish off of the surface of the bar.

She looked up once at Reno, opened her mouth to speak and shut it again in frustration.

Why him? Why was he here? Following Cloud around, but why? It wasn't like the Turks actually cared about Cloud, about any of them, other than the guilt they all wore after Meteorfall.

Reno sighed, toed the brass foot-kick on the bar with his boot. This was going about as well as he could have expected, showing up right after Tifa opened the bar and informing her that he'd tracked Cloud to the church, where he'd been sleeping the past few nights, isolating himself – though nobody could quite figure out why.

"Look, Tifa….I'm just tellin' ya where he is. Hey, don't shoot the messenger – you want me to go and talk to him?" Reno shrugged, shoved his hands in his pockets and slouched lazily against the bar.

Tifa gave an exasperated grunt and snapped the towel against the edge of the bar with such force it sounded like a gunshot had gone off in the bar. Reno's hand gripped the handle of his EMR instinctively at the sound, relaxing a moment later when he realized what it was.

Gods, she's tense. Worried about Cloud, probably –

"And why would you want to go and talk to Cloud, huh, Reno?" Her voice held an edge of ice and suspicion that was normally reserved for any member of Shinra, Inc., but most especially the Turks. She didn't like this one bit, Turks showing up at her bar, following Cloud; acting like they cared.

Yeah, right, Tifa thought. I always try to see the best in everyone, but the Turks…Shinra? Old habits died hard, and even though they'd agreed to work together now, to somehow try and co-exist in this post-apocalyptic world, Tifa would never fully trust them.

"Why not?" Reno shrugged his shoulders again as if to say no big deal. "Maybe…whatever's bothering him, maybe he'll let it out to someone who's – well, a third party, ya know."

Someone who won't judge him, Reno thought, perhaps unfairly, but there it was. Reno knew from the last time he'd talked to Cloud, that the swordsman Cloud bore a heavy weight on his shoulders. The hero of the world - title and notoriety he never really wanted; all he'd ever wanted was to keep his friends safe, and to find out who he was. When most of the puzzle pieces of his mind finally fit back together, Cloud was whole again, but also disillusioned. So much of his life had been a lie, a lie that his mind tricked him into believing, and how was he supposed to recover from that?

"You don't know him as well as I do," Tifa cautioned him, her voice holding a protective note. "He's been through a lot…you don't even know half of what Cloud's been through."

Actually, Reno was privy to that knowledge – the clinical standpoint of what he'd been through, anyway. The Turks had a file on Cloud thicker than Rude's neck, but he wasn't about to tell Tifa that. Shinra had files on all of them. Reno knew Tifa's blood type, her sleep patterns, and her movements about the day. Occasionally, Reno would detach himself and think damn, this is kind of creepy – Shinra as Big Brother – but just as quickly he'd shrug, tell himself it was part of the job, and bury the niggling doubts back down with the rest of his feelings.

Reno knew Cloud a lot better than even Tifa knew; back from when Cloud was a bright-eyed cadet, pinning all of his hopes on SOLDIER, and Reno was not quite a rookie Turk but definitely not yet a seasoned one.

I remember everything, I remember Cloud, I remember Zack – I wonder if he remembers any of it, Reno mused. He acts like he doesn't. Or maybe he does remember, and he's trying to forget. Reno couldn't blame Cloud if he was; all of them, all of the Turks, carried some sense of guilt and shame over their failure to save Zack. Tseng and Cissnei had taken it the hardest, and Reno couldn't imagine what it had done to Cloud once he'd gotten his memories back.

"All I can do is try." Reno narrowed his eyes as he drained he rest of his beverage. "Tell you what….I'll go now bring him some coffee and see if he's awake – "

Tifa shrugged her shoulders, and then nodded. "Fine. Here – you can take him a thermos. I just made a fresh pot – " She bustled around behind the bar, getting ready the necessary items, glad for something to do – and glad to break eye contact with Reno for a moment. She wondered, really, what the Turk was up to. Checking up on Cloud out of the goodness of his heart? Please.

"Here you go - I threw some sugars and creamers in here too, but he'll drink it black if he has to," Tifa said, thrusting the thermos and little baggie toward Reno across the bar.

"Reno, if you do talk to Cloud – " Tifa hesitated, a shadow falling across her face as she swept her bangs out of her eyes. "Just tell him we miss him. All of us, and we're worried about him, okay?" Tell him to come home.

"Will do," Reno replied, shoving the thermos and supplies into the low-slung messenger bag that was draped over his shoulder. He realized, as he took two steps outside of the Seventh Heaven, that he had no earthly idea of what he was going to say to Cloud, even if he was still camped out at Aeris's church. He had no idea whether or not Cloud would greet him with hostility or indifference; chances were good, with Reno being a Turk, that Cloud wouldn't exactly be thrilled to see him.

"Oh well," Reno shrugged and muttered to himself as he got on his motorcycle, a sporty roadster that was one-third the size of Cloud's behemoth-like Fenrir. "I guess we'll see." He half expected Cloud to turn on him, to cold-cock him, and Reno almost hoped he would.

It would be better to evoke some kind of response from Cloud, anything would be better than that blank and wounded look Reno had caught from him far too frequently these days.

Cloud slept – if one could call it sleeping – in restless starts and stops all through the night. His dreamscapes were weird and disjointed things of horror. It was worse when he was surrounded by people and trying to sleep; the outside noises interfered with the static in his head.

He'd thought (hoped) that this would all go away – after all, he'd been cured of geostigma – but the mental clarity he'd been hoping for when the disease left his body never came.

Cloud felt he was being selfish for shutting everyone out, especially Tifa – she didn't deserve that. He couldn't bear pretending everything was back to normal when it was not. Better than it had been, certainly, but he was still not quite himself.

When have I ever been myself? Cloud thought morosely. He picked up a tin mug, half-full of coffee he'd made hours before over a campfire – he sipped it and made a face when he realized it was ice cold, and pitched it over the dying embers of the fire. He stood, kicked dirt over the small campfire to make sure it was out and was about to ready himself to leave his makeshift campsite when he heard, somewhat off in the distance, the sounds of a motorcycle engine revving.

"Fuck—" Cloud knew the sound innately, how many times had he heard that high-pitched rumble of Reno's sportster; not a low, heady growl like Fenrir's engine – he'd worked on Reno's motorcycle before, knew that engine inside and out –

Reno barely had the kickstand extended and down before Cloud rounded upon him and fairly snarled at him. He cut the engine, and grinned cheekily at the stone-faced swordsman before he dismounted.

Cloud was clearly none too pleased by Reno suddenly materializing here when he just wanted to be alone.

"Why are you here? Did Tifa send you?" God damn it, he didn't need anyone checking up on him, just needed a little time to get his shit together, to get a little better-

Reno opened his mouth as if to reply, smirked sourly and folded his arms across his chest.

"No."

It wasn't entirely a lie – Tifa hadn't sent him, he'd volunteered to seek out Cloud after all -

"No," Reno repeated, stepping forward toward Cloud. He holstered his EMR, put his hands up to show he was mostly unarmed, wasn't about to lock and load –

"No, Tifa didn't send me," Reno continued, softer. "I….well, I did tell her I was gonna come by – "

"Tch – " Cloud clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "Well….guess what, buddy. I don't need anyone – especially one of Rufus's Turks – " he fairly spat out the word – "…checking up on me."

"I am not checking up on you, Cloud!" Reno returned indignantly, bristling a bit as he realized he really was. "Oh, fuck you, yo. Whatever." His motorcycle leaned over in the soft indentation that the kickstand made in the ground and he turned his back to Cloud, his pride momentarily wounded.

"Hn." Cloud gazed at Reno then quickly looked away, carefully avoiding eye contact. "Great comeback." He looked up, and intentionally caught Reno's eye this time.

"So. Why'd they send you? Why not Rude, or Elena, or Tseng?" Cloud wondered out loud. "Did Rufus send you?" He frowned, suddenly suspicious. Probably was Rufus, trying to offer me another job. "Tell him I'm not interested – "

"Huh?" Reno cocked an eyebrow and shook his head. "Naw, man…nobody sent me. Not the Turks, not Tifa…nobody. I – I volunteered – kind of – "

"Volunteered?" Cloud retorted suspiciously. "Volunteered, why? Why would you volunteer?" Instinctively, he backed away from Reno, causing the Turk to flinch.

"Just – I don't know, man!" Reno's voice rose, tremoring. "I don't know, I just thought it was the right thing to do, I don't fucking know! He kicked two of the pews, feeling an odd sense of triumph as he saw puffs of dust rise up from each one. Cloud's fingers enclosed around Reno's forearm like a steel-claw trap, his look cautioning.

"Don't do that. Don't – not here – " Cloud stammered, shook his head. Not here, not in Aeris's church –

He released his grip, let Reno's arm drop. "Reno, just – please. Show some respect."

Reno's expression appeared penitent as he nodded. "….yeah. Sorry." He winced, glancing over at the patch of lilies, yellow and white – now much bigger than it had been so many years earlier when he'd trod upon them so carelessly, another time when he'd been pursuing Aeris, and then Cloud.

Reno snorted a laugh, and Cloud looked over at him quizzically.

"Do you remember the last time we were here together in this church, you and me?" Reno began. He looked upward at the beams that marked Cloud and Aeris's escape route from the Shinra troopers. Reno had ultimately let them go, ordering other Turks to follow the pair and keep tabs on them, knowing they'd eventually recapture the elusive Cetra and her mysterious bodyguard who'd appeared out of nowhere.

Cloud nodded. "Actually….I do. It was right after I crashed through the roof – " he pointed upward, rotting shingles and beams giving way to allow beams of light from above the broken Plate to shine through. He'd thought about repairing the roof [someday], but realized that if he patched up the roof and made it whole again, it would block the light from reaching Aeris's flowers.

It was a ruin, but fixing it up would mean killing Aeris's flowers, and Cloud just couldn't do that to her. Hadn't he already failed her in the worst way possible?

I never blamed you, Cloud -

"I'd just met Aeris only a few moments before you sicced your goons on me," Cloud added, and Reno laughed.

"Yeah," Reno finally relented. "They were kind of a bunch of trigger-happy chucklefucks, weren't they? Shoot first, ask questions later."

"Well, that's typical of Shinra," Cloud cut in uncharitably, and Reno shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, whatever," Reno replied sourly. "We ain't a bunch of saints, and we're not pretending to be, either."

"Oh, you mean like AVALANCHE?" Cloud added somewhat caustically, and much to Reno's surprise. The Turk had been thinking exactly that, but had curbed his tongue for once.

"Look, I wasn't sayin' shit – " Reno began, rubbed his thumb against his bottom lip nervously, as Cloud stared past him stonily. "I wasn't dissin' AVALANCHE, okay?"

"Whatever. Doesn't matter. Why are you here, Reno? Can't you see I want to be alone?" Cloud snapped.

"Yeah, I got that," Reno eyed the neatly rolled-up sleeping bag on the floor and grimaced. "Tifa is worried though. She didn't send me, but you gotta know she's worried, right? That everyone's worried?"

Cloud laughed shortly, with no trace of mirth. "I'm sure you're really concerned, Reno – "

Reno turned and sneered, words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop himself. "Yeah, that's why I'm here, Cloud, because I don't give a shit, right?" He laughed, shook his head, pulled out his package of cigarettes. "Fuck trying to be nice to you, pal," Reno muttered under his breath as he lit the cigarette.

Cloud frowned, drew in the scent of burning tobacco and cloves emanating from Reno's cigarette – it reminded him of something, some memory long buried –

"Stop." Cloud shoved past Reno, again avoided eye contact, stumbled a bit and braced himself against one of the pews. "Reno, stop."

Reno stood, straightening up from where he'd been leaning against the wall, eyes unblinking as he studied cloud's expression curiously. "You remember something, don't you?"

"No. I don't. So forget it." Cloud's reply was too hasty, and Reno knew that he was lying.

"Come on, man. Don't lie to yourself, Cloud," Reno took two steps toward him; then a couple more.
"I told you long ago, anything you have questions about from back then – questions about Zack – "

"Don't say his name," Cloud turned and snarled, wagged a finger in Reno's face. "Just don't. And leave me alone."

Reno shook his head. "Naw, I can't do that, Cloud. Not anymore. You've pushed me away long enough, now you're pushing everyone else away too. Do you think that's how he'd want you to live out the rest of your life?"

Cloud rounded back on Reno and shoved at him again; Reno growled and shoved back, and soon the two were grappling, rolling on the floor. Cloud caught Reno's elbow in his face, and Reno wheezed as Cloud punched him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

"Get off, fucker," Reno snapped. "We gotta talk, Cloud – clear the air – you remember what happened now, don't you? Ten years ago – "

Cloud finally relented and sat up, his back against the pew and he glared at Reno.

"Yeah. I remember. We were fighting, just like this – " Reno sat up, looked at Cloud expectantly but remained silent; for now.

" – we were fighting, and then you just up and kissed me." Cloud half-smiled, and shrugged.

"And then I forgot all about it, Reno," Cloud went on. "I forgot about you, I forgot about Zack, I forgot about me. I'm still – there's still a part of me that's broken inside, Reno. I'm no good to anyone."

"Bullshit," Reno scoffed. "Yeah, maybe you ain't one-hundred percent the way you were, but who the hell is after going through a war? None of us are, man. Meteorfall, the Plate drop – it changed us."

Cloud laughed at that. "I'd say I changed a lot more than anyone else did. I became someone else. I subconsciously tried to be Zack, and then I forgot he even existed! What the fuck is wrong with me, anyway - "

"A lot of things," Reno replied, grinning, and Cloud cuffed him in the elbow. "Hey – I'm kidding – "

"Shut up," Cloud retorted. "Seriously, though. This – this is why I hide, Reno. Because I'm not me, not completely, it's like – I lost part of myself. A part I'll never get back. I'm not who everyone thinks I am. So where do I go from here? What do I do with that?"

Reno sighed, rested his elbows on his knees and caught Cloud's gaze.

"I don't know, man. I really don't know, but I do know one thing – you can't do it alone."

Cloud looked at Reno, nodded and sighed. "I suppose you're right."