- Had a good handful of requests that I make a companion to "A Little Hope" featuring Sans' and Alphys' POV. I hope you like it because I'm never doing this again ahaha. A little too much of the inside came out in this one and it's a dark head space I can't be in for long. -
...
Today was a rough day. This was something Sans didn't have to decide for himself, or speak out loud. Really, it wasn't something he had to recognize openly at all. The world seemed a little greyer than it actually was, his throat felt a little tighter than it normally felt, he was a little bit less than he should be. Of course, this wasn't a new thing. It wasn't a sudden shift or just a very bad day. This was, unfortunately, just a little too close to Sans' everyday. But, somewhere in the back of his mind where everything was just a little too grey, Sans could tell today it was just a little greyer than even he remembered it should be.
And his brother's energy just wasn't doing anything for him, for once. Not because it wasn't filled with as much love as it normally was. It wasn't any less enthusiastic. Any less prodding or caring. It was a constant light that never seemed to dim or flicker. It was about the only thing Sans could count on. It was always there, always hopeful, always watchful. Always ready to chase the dark away. But, as is the fault in every constant, it could not change.
So when the darkness hugged Sans a little tighter than it normally did, lie a little thicker under his eye sockets, clung a little tighter to his bones and weighed him down, the light could only dispel as much as it normally would when the darkness was a little less. Sans couldn't fault the light for it, though he wished he could. He wished he could push the blame on anything else really. Tell the dark it belonged elsewhere for a few minutes. Ease the weight on his own shoulders for a second or two. But, unfortunately, he could not and he would not. Because the problem with the dark was it was a little too familiar with Sans for him to just shrug it away. It knew a little too much about how he thought and why, knew a little too well how to counter his excuses and attempts at seeing things a little brighter. It was worked a little too well into the hairline fractures of his soul.
And as much as Sans tried to hide it, much to his guilt and dismay, he cared just a little too less to hide it properly enough. Papyrus noticed and his grin slipped. For a second he looked tired, for a heartbeat he looked defeated. Papyrus couldn't handle him today, and it made Sans' heartache. This, also, wasn't new. And as soon as Papyrus noticed Sans slipping a little more than he should have, he said the same words he always said.
"Brother, I want you to come with me and Undyne to Alphys' today."
It brought a tired smile to Sans' face and he gave a hesitant nod.
"sure thing, pap."
Funny how guilty he felt over something so mundane - something so totally out of his control. Something so… pointless. But he couldn't help but feel guilty when he was slipping so far his brother thought he needed a babysitter. He was tired though, exhausted really. Just a little too done with living today to argue about how much he'd rather stay home. About how he really didn't have the energy to make a trip to Hotlands, even less so to put up with another living being. But really, what would he do by himself anyway? Sleep? Pretend he didn't exist for a few hours? Sulk? Maybe staring blankly at a tv set while his brother was training wouldn't be so hard to manage.
So they went.
Undyne and Papyrus left to train.
Alphys popped an anime into the VCR and Sans pretended to watch.
Time stopped having meaning, his vision focused noncommittally on the space a little above the television and he relaxed against Alphys' bed cube with a yawn. Alphys propped herself up in her chair, sitting in it backwards so her knees hugged its side and her chin rested on its back. Her tail fidgeted, the movement in the corner of Sans' eye occasionally drawing his attention before he sighed it away again. The air had the consistency of molasses, and it muffled the words from the screen and gave Sans one more reason to wish he was muffled with it.
"Y-you awake over there Sans?"
The lights in Sans' eyes crawled into brightness, his grin was slow forming, "Oh you know me Alph… just bone tired today."
"Y-you're t-tired every day, S-sans," the answer fidgeted past Alphys' teeth and she gave him a knowing look, one peppered with her own special brand of nervous exhaustion.
The smile on Sans' face argued between bitterness and sympathy. Ah yes… he always forgot about Alphys, didn't he? Alphys, who knew his excuses so well because she often used the same ones. Alphys, who unlike him, was cursed with anxiety instead of Sans' own slip into apathy. How in the world did she manage it? Sans could barely handle the way he felt, let alone if he were a bundle of nerves and stutters on top of it all. His nonexistent throat constricted, threatening to cut off his ability to breathe. Misery dug tiny fingers into the back of his skull. His problems were nothing compared to hers. How dare he feel the way he did when others had it so much worse. How dare he lose hope when everyone else could function perfectly well with much more hopelessness. After all, there wasn't anything wrong with him. There was no real reason for him to wallow the way he did. He just didn't try hard enough was his problem. What a worthless bag of bones he was.
Something in Sans' soul quivered. His chest started to hurt.
"Yeah… th-that's what I th-thought," Alphys sighed defeatedly, watching the skeleton's whole body seem to collapse in on itself. She crept from her perch in the chair, slumping down beside him as he buried his face in his hands. Sans noticed as she sat that her own body seemed to quiver just a bit, her own soul just a little too shaky to keep the rest of her perfectly together.
"I… was doing… so well…" Sans huffed quietly, his voice barely above a whisper, "I don't… why…? it all just got so much worse."
"Y-yeah…"
"You know I even… I even stayed awake at my station last week?" Sans rambled tiredly, "Me and Pap made breakfast together and… I went and read to the kids at the library for the first time in ages. I thought… I was…"
His hands grasped at his skull. If he had hair he'd be pulling it out. He wanted to yell, kick the wall, throw something. At the same time he wanted to dig his own grave and crawl into it. And then he was kicking himself for his own stupidity again. He glanced at Alphys who sat fidgeting with her own claws, her breathing just a little faster than it was supposed to be. Her pupils a little smaller than was normal. He blinked at her nervousness, his frown deepening into a grimace.
"H-hey you okay?" he didn't want to touch her, like she was made of glass, "I can stop talking. If you can't… oh geez. Don't… I don't know… it's not that big a deal Alphys please don't freak out."
"Y-y-yeah i-it is a big deal," Alphys stammered, returning his gaze with something halfway between concern and panic, "I-i mean… I know… wh-what it's l-like and… i-it really s-sucks knowing y-you f-feel the same way uhm…"
Alphys bit her lip, having a hard time making eye contact with Sans for a few seconds. She fidgeted with her claws, her breathing calming a bit as thoughts about herself took over. For a few minutes they sat like that, Alphys' expression unreadable and Sans gripped in a worried, miserable stupor. The silence between them was smothering, drawing on just a little too long to be comfortable. Alphys drew in one particularly heavy, shuddering breath. She looked back at Sans, a grimace written across her face.
"I-i… I n-need t-to t-tell you s-something."
Sans' soul gave a pull.
"A-and… y-you… you c-c-can't…" she fidgeted, her tail twitched and her claws grasped at the scales on her arms, "Don't… don't freak out don't judge me and please please don't tell Undyne. Okay?"
The look in her eyes was sad and… desperate.
"Sh-she worries so much she won't leave me alone," Alphys stammered, "And not like… badgering me or anything she's just is so scared of leaving me by myself and I understand and I don't want to be alone b-b-but… she has things she needs t-to do. A-and I can't hold her back any more than I d-do already. A-and if s-she finds o-out I… I…"
She trailed off, hugging herself and shivering. She looked very nearly like she might cry, and Sans felt dread building in the air he suddenly was finding desperately hard to breathe.
"I'm… not good at keeping promises, Alph," came his very hesitant response.
"Then d-don't promise," Alphys sighed defeatedly, "J-just… be honest okay? Have you ever… just… wanted to stop existing for a little while?"
Her eyes flicked up to meet his, and he found it very hard to hold her gaze.
"That's a gentle way of putting it," he answered darkly, his voice trailing off into a single, sharp laugh.
Alphys' eyes widened just a bit, "N-no… i-its… i-its not like th-that I…"
Sans swallowed hard. Whoops.
"W-wait…"
Sans slapped on what he hoped was a relieved grin, "I mean uh… I'm… glad you're not that dark yet Alph."
Alphys scowled. It wasn't angry - though Sans wondered if she'd been trying to pull that off and just failed at it. It was more tired than anything. Tired and… maybe a bit disappointed. The nervous tick in her demeanor washed away in favor of emotional exhaustion.
"H-how… much… have you been…? I mean… thinking about… that."
Sans' smile stayed on his face - tired and bitter - for no other reason than to humor Alphys' wording of the obvious. Though if he were honest, he did the same thing. He wasn't 'depressed' was he? He was 'dark'. At least, if asked that's all he'd ever admit.
"It's not… as bad as it sounds," Sans sighed, rubbing at one of his eye sockets tiredly, "I don't… have anything I'd actually follow through with. It just… sometimes… it sounds like a nice idea. Better than living. Easier, I guess."
Alphys sighed at his side.
"If I had my choice though I'd rather I never existed," Sans continued with a shrug, "Then nobody'd miss me, y'know. But… as it stands…"
He let his head sink back into his hands, "I… couldn't… put Pap through that so… it's not really an option I could seriously consider. I'll be honest though Alph, I don't know if I could live without him. It's… terrifying. And… Pap probably knows it too… and… it sucks."
Sans laughed a low, bitter laugh that was much too lifeless to be real, "I can't imagine how he feels."
"Y-yeah…"
Sans shot Alphys a sidelong glance and managed a good-natured smirk, "You don't do comfort well, do you?"
Alphys looked away, fiddling with her claws again, "I d-didn't m-mean… I-i-i… I meant… I… f-feel the same w-w-way a-about… Undyne."
Sans blinked, "...Oh…"
They sat in silence for a few minutes, the only noise to interrup their thoughts coming from the anime they'd both forgotten was even still playing. Neither sure whether they should give in to the despair of the situation or be comforted that someone else felt the same way. It was glum to say the least… disheartening. Dark. Just a little too dark for either of them.
"S-s-she's the light of my l-life though," Alphys said, finally breaking the silence. A small smile made its way across her face, "She's always… so confident. A-and amazing. S-she's always telling me th-things sh-she likes about me… a-and… I can like myself for a few m-minutes w-when she does. I-it's like… she's contagious. It's uhm… really e-easy for me to feel bad, y'know? B-but… with her believing in me…"
She rubbed the back of her head, "... it's… nice. It doesn't… fix everything but… it helps."
Sans found himself nodding, "Yeah. Pap's the same way. Always energetic, always trying to be inspiring and make me put my all into things. Heh… he gets so exasperated with me sometimes but even then its… funny. Makes me laugh."
He grinned, "Makes all those bad jokes of mine worth it, y'know. Even if they stopped being funny for me years ago. His reaction makes it worth it."
He let out a soft laugh, "What did we do to deserve 'em Al? I can't fathom why."
Alphys nodded, sighing one more time, "M-makes me feel like I'm not as shattered as I th-think I am. I hope… I-i hope I can m-make it up to her s-someday."
They sunk into silence again for a few seconds, Alphys giving a half-hearted laugh when she realized what episode the anime was on. They talked about the show, the cheesy words and the now slightly ironic morality lesson about the power of friendship that echoed across the screen. For a little while the world was a little less dark. Sans saw a little bit of effervescent color flashed through his world of a-little-too-grey. When Papyrus and Undyne returned, their laughter seemed to break through a little bit more.
For a little while at least, it was all they really needed.