That night I never wanted to let her go.
We were in my garage when it happened. It was a normal day in our routine: her coming over after school to hang out while I worked on the bikes, feigning interest and understanding in the mechanics of it while chatting idly about everything and anything. But that night there was no talking. The only thing interrupting the silence was my feeble narrative on the bike's progress which she didn't even pretend to listen to as she stared out of the window, a sombre expression on her face.
Eventually it got too much, and I asked hesitantly 'Bells, what's wrong?' This seemed to be the catalyst for a reaction as the next thing I knew her eyes were welling up and she was crying, pain warping her features as she clutched her stomach, 'Bells, what is it?' I asked urgently as I extracted myself from underneath the bike, wiping my hands on my overalls as I rushed to her side, distressed at the sight.
'Its, its him' she choked out, thowing her arms around me, 'he won't le, leave my alone Jake, and he's made this, this hole', she forced the word out as if it itself hurt her, 'and it won't go away' she gasped, succumbing to the emotion she had been holding back and breaking down in sobs.
'Bella baby, its going to be alright' I said desperately, pulling her as tight as I could to my chest in a feeble attempt to fill the hole myself, every single part of us touching and my arms wrapped as far around her as I could reach without dislocating them from their sockets. But I knew however hard I tried I was only a DIY fix to the problem which had rotted her to her core, the filthy bloodsucker which had found its way into her heart, achieving where I had failed.
I had never seen anyone so utterly distraught and broken. She wept ardently into her hands, for once completely lacking any social awareness and letting herself go. It was frightening, sitting there in that murky garage witnessing the girl I loved being torn to shreds by grief, then those shreds put through a shredder and any remaining slithers into a blender, to ensure that she really was completely and utterly destroyed. While my werewolf self could defend her from outside danger, this internal damage was something I could not protect her from, and it killed me to know there was nothing I could do.
'Come on sweetie, let's get you out of here'. This time I was crooning, inadvertently softening my voice so that it sounded foreign to my own ears. I hadn't known I was capable of this gentleness, this patience, for the one who was unable to return my love. I would make her better, I vowed silently, I would piece together her shy, awkward smile again. I knew it was going to take a long time, but boy was I in it for the long haul. Anything for her, anything.
Putting one arm underneath the crook of her knees I lifted her tragically limp form from the ground. She clung to me like a baby, small and helpless in my arms, and at that moment I felt a sense of my power over her. Being a man wasn't about winning fights or getting laid, it was not taking advantage of those weaker than you when you had the opportunity, using your strength to carry them through their bad times. I solely existed to make Bella feel better, and I was going to do just that.
I carried her through the garage and outside, rubbing my hand up and down her arm to counteract the chilling breeze as she continued to weep, and then progressing stealthily into the house, careful not to make any noise to alert my dad. However as I was passing the living room he turned, a questioning look on his face as he took in the scene, merely nodding his assent when I asked him to call Charlie saying Bella would be staying here tonight. Trust Billy to understand, I thought fondly as I climbed the stairs. I moved instinctively towards my bedroom before pausing at the door, pondering whether Bella would be more comfortable in one of my sisters' bedrooms. However it only took one look at her heartrending condition to convince me that, for both her sake and my sanity, this would be the best option by far.
When I placed her down gently on my bed she instinctively rolled into the divet on the far side where I usually slept, falling right into the centre of it as it caved around her. I immediately climbed in after her, wrapping my body around her in every possible way as tightly as I could, trying to create an inpenetratable barrier and reassure her of my presence. As the crying continued I clung onto her, my heart contorting, twisting, wrenching at the sounds, feeling like it was her giving me support instead of the other way around. I found myself whispering sweet nothings into her ear, calling her names like sugar and sweetie pie, names that I had never even thought of before but seemed to come naturally. As I began to stroke her hair tenderly, wishing it was her face, she leaned into me and sighed, her sobs subsiding slightly.
I don't know how long I lay there for, but I do know that should I have my time over again I would do exactly the same and for longer. My rhythmic breathing, hair stroking and whispers obviously had a soothing effect, lulling us both into a state of peaceful, unobtrusive existence. It was a considerable time later when I realised that she had finally stopped crying, and judging from the irregular contractions of her chest was not yet asleep.
'Bella?' I asked tentatively into the darkness. I felt her chest stop moving as she froze, her comfort zone shattered. I waited.
'. . . yes, Jake?' came the small reply.
'Bells, baby', I breathed, taking a deep breath as I searched for the right words to make her feel better, knowing that this was crucial, 'I just want you to know that I won't ever leave you like he did, ever. I know you don't love me like I'd like you to but you, you can't begin to understand how much you mean to me', I swallowed the lump in my throat, determined to carry on, 'you're . . . you're my everything, Bells, and I'm going to be whatever you need me to be so that I can put you back together again. It may seem like there's no way forward, but I'm gonna get you to a good place, okay?' I finished, nervous for her reaction.
I heard her breath hitch and immediately began to reprimand myself for bringing him up again. Why couldn't I have just accepted the situation, why did I have to make it all worse? The pause stretched into a deafening silence as we lay there awkwardly embracing. Finally she breathed out, turning more fully into me as she said 'I know, Jake, and I trust you with my life. I know I'm being selfish but I need you so much right now. Please' her voice became almost inaudible, 'please don't leave me'.
'Never' I protested fiercely, slightly hurt that she still doubted me after everything I had done but more angry than ever at the bloodsucker who had made her this way. It made my blood boil the way he had used and carelessly rejected her, leaving me to pick up the pieces. Not that I minded of course. Even though my heart swelled slightly each time she turned to me for comfort, it immediately ached for her pain and, against my better judgement, I would rather she had been happy with him than this way. But, god, if she had been mine I would have worshipped her, my life would have revolved around her, and every day of my life would have been spent making her feel like the most special, most loved woman on earth.
'Mmmm' she murmured, snuggling further into the bed and my body, 'these sheets smell like you Jakey'. My heart clenched for a few seconds, a peculiar feeling rising into the pit of my stomach. Bella was rubbing herself in my scent, willingly marking herself as mine. 'Com'ere' I said gruffly, overcome with emotion, suddenly needing another close embrace to get me through the night. I reached into the dark and slipped my arms around her waist, easily lifting her through the air in a small arc before placing her lightly on top of my chest. I was surprised when she immediately relaxed, seeming to give in as every limb of her body slumped into me, as if I was her life support machine. I adjusted slightly so that her breasts were in the hollow just under my pecks, which her head rested on, with her legs barely reaching past my knees, and leant down and kissed her forehead sleepily as my hands began rubbing her back soothingly of their own accord.
The next thing that happened took me completely by surprise.
I wasn't aware that she had moved until I felt her lips on mine. I froze, unsure what to think as her warm, soft lips sucked gently, languidly, on my bottom lip, gently plying them open. After my initial shock had passed I began to kiss her back. It was . . . different . . . to all the other kisses I had experienced,and not at all how I had imagined it in my countless fantasies. It wasn't full of passion and lust, yet it wasn't awkward and self-concious like a first kiss should be. The taste of her was unbearably sweet, and as our tongues brushed eachothers there were no sparks, only a lethargic tenderness. It was . . . soul searching, the way she was breathing me in through her mouth as I in turn tried to capture her very essence. I wasn't opposing myself on her, the way I was intently suckling her plump lips; we simply let the sensations wash over us instead of striving to make them. I placed my hands gently on the back of her head as I extended my tongue further into her warm mouth, careful not to shatter the delicate equilibrium we had reached. This caused her to sigh into me, and my heart jolted with the knowledge that it was me who was giving her these sensations, me who was finally making her happy.
Our tongues twined around eachothers, gently sucking and stroking, not performing a dance but taking cues from the other as to where to go and what felt nice, reassuring and comforting us. As her tongue slid over the roof of my mouth, taking its time to explore every hollow, I nuzzled my nose against hers applying delicious pressure to her top lip. There was no need to pull away for air, our breathing was so perfectly synchronised that it felt as if we moved as one, a fact I was insanely glad of. Reaching down I pulled the duvet up and tucked it more tightly around us before slipping my arms back underneath it and under her tshirt to stroke her bare skin, firmly cocooning her into me, determined that we would never leave this position.
Her breath was becoming more laboured as she tilted her mouth to gain a different angle, her nose coming to rest on the other side of mine as I uncurled my fingers from the back of her head to caress the soft skin of her chin, pulling her still closer. When I was satisfied that no molecule of space existed between us my fingers extended into the hair behind her ear as I let my thumb draw soothing circles along her cheekbone, cupping her face. 'Mmm Bella' I whispered into her as she ravished me, unaware that her inhalations were slowly drawing my insides out, unaware that my heart was rising into my throat and restricting my breathing, unaware that it was swelling with the sensations that she was giving me. My beautiful Bella.
When I was intimately familiar with every nook and cranny of her smooth mouth, and the feel of her soft tongue flicking against mine and scraping delectably along the roof of my mouth became ingrained into my senses, only then did we began to come down from our cloud nine. Final moans were uttered as our tongues grudgingly withdrew, drawing out the moment for as long as possible until only our lips were left sealed together, both of us unwilling to finally end the utter perfection that had just taken place.
Wow.
She started to pull her lips from mine but my head bent with her, refusing to grant her any personal space. 'Jakeeee' she half giggled, half whined, and a grin erupted onto my face as I finally let her go and held her eyes with mine. She was glowing, a ghost of a smile gracing her previously heartbroken features, her eyes twinkling. Breaking my gaze she tucked her head into my chest, unconciously nuzzling my neck, stretching her arms underneath mine and up my back but only reaching halfway to my broad shoulders. 'Woah Jake, just, breathe' I told myself as her legs curled under mine, 'act normal buddy, it was a comfort kiss, nothing more'. Unable to contain myself I bowed my head to steal another kiss, unwilling to let the moment end for fear it would remain exactly that, one moment in time and nothing more. She had obviously been having misgivings since she had pulled away only minutes before as instead of the chaste kiss I had imagined she was once again prising open my lips. Not one to complain, I obliged her and touched her tongue with the tip of mine. If life ever had an imaginary remote control then this action pressed the pause button. This tiny gesture seemed to induce an electric current, melding together the tips of our tongues, yet we were both content to go no further. Skirting around the edges like that had a feeling of danger and excited anticipation that full access to her mouth had denied, and we blindly bathed in the warmth and feelings saturating our sensory systems.
Aware that Bella could probably do with some sleep I ignored the screaming protestations of my hormones and separated our mouths, only returning to pluck gently at her puckered, swollen lips a few more times before settling her more snugly into my body. We were the perfect fit. As I cuddled her into me every arc and contour of our bodies seemed to fuse into one, her tantalisingly soft body forming a nice contrast to my muscled chest, which was obviously not too hard a mattress as she immediately fell asleep.
Lying there like that I wondered how I had ever slept without her in my arms, the feeling so natural yet so essential it felt like breathing. When we cuddled like this it was almost as if I had found the part of me I hadn't realised was missing. I wasn't completed by her, I mean I had all my limbs attached, I was . . . extended . . . living being redefined in ways I hadn't known possible. As she turned over inside the wadding of blankets and the confines of my capable arms, enveloping and encircling her, it struck me that this was what she needed. She needed someone who could keep her warm at night. Someone who could protect her from the outside world. Someone who could make her feel things. Someone who could take away her pain and replace it with a smile. Someone who could fix her. She needed me.
When the morning came I couldn't bring myself to let her go. I knew she was awake from her small movements and the break in her breathing pattern but I wanted to keep her with me like this forever, in this blissful state of semi-conciousness between sleep and waking when you were free to feel without applying reason. It struck me that if we stayed like this in our safe haven nothing would ever be able to hurt her again, I would make sure of that; no Edward, no crazy vampires, no jealous werewolves and no judgmental teenagers, just me and her snuggled up together in our bubble reliving the magic we had shared last night. We could grow old here, needing nothing more than our cuddles and a smattering of mind blowing kisses like that to sustain us. . .
My hazy visions were interrupted by a pair of now familiar lips on mine which proved to be the stimulus I needed to embrace the world of the living. Placing one hand behind her head I quickly flipped her over and pressed her lips to mine, spreading her legs before gingerly resting my large body over her tiny frame, engulfing her. My weight did not appear to be a problem as her eager ministrations, sumptuously licking out my insides as if I were some kind of delicacy, indicated that she rather liked the dominating position. Pulling back I began to litter her face with small, sweet kisses, smothering her with my love and systematically devouring her, desperate to taste every part of her. Sighing she relaxed into my pillows, her eyes tightly closed as I continued my teasing butterfly kisses over her eyelids, nose and cheeks. Having exhausted every inch of skin on her face I moved further down towards her neck and began sucking gently on her pressure point, occasionally extending my tongue to lick it, before realising the connections this would have for her. Resignedly I rested my head gently in the crook of her neck and nuzzled my nose lightly into her snowy white skin, my warm breath causing small tremors to travel along her back, which she failed at hiding.
'Good morning sweetie' I ventured quietly into her neck, unsure what her reaction would be.
'Good morning Jakey' she replied in a light, teasing voice, my anxiety immediately dissipating.
'So, you're not mad at me?'
'Mad at you? Why would I be that?' she exclaimed, surprise evident in her voice.
'For . . . last night?'
'Jake you silly, I should be on my hands and knees thanking you for that. You,' her voice shook slightly, 'you made me feel so good after I had been feeling so bad for months, I really can't thank you enough for, for being patient with me, when you can have any girl you want . . .' Here her voice trailed off, suddenly unsure of herself as I listened in horror, determined to reassert the euphoria of the morning.
'Bells, honey, you know that you're the one for me' I started, pulling her onto her side to face me as I spoke, 'and that I would do anything for you. I know that this is just a way for you to get over him and become whole again, and I'm here at your disposal to help you with it so that maybe', I paused, steeling myself for my next line, 'maybe one day you can begin to love me back'.
'Oh Jake' she cried, putting her arms around my neck and pulling her close to me, 'you know I don't want to love him anymore. It hurts me so much to think about him and you're the only thing that really keeps me going.' I put my arms around her too, my face buried in her hair, and waited. ' . . . and, Jake, I really think that one day I could truly love you, I think a part of me already does, but I'm just gonna need some time, ok?'
I nodded vigorously into her hair and I'm sure she could feel the smile extending across my face as I murmured 'Baby, that is more than ok with me', kissing the top of her head sweetly before adding, 'Oh, and anytime you need some more comfort kisses or cuddles, you know that that is extremely ok with me'. Her shy, tinkling laugh was music to my ears as we lay there in the early morning, just one teenager crazy in love helping another teenager over their heartbreak.