Sometimes I wonder how things would be like if I hadn't met Nathan; if Lucas had stayed of the team and I would still be 'the ever-dependable' Haley James. The good girl who got straight A's and never got into trouble. The girl who never did anything unpredictable and was always mature about things. Even my parents say I'm more mature then them at times. But being that girl means I'm also the girl who never does anything just for her self or went after her dreams: a completely over self-less wuss. I'm not being harsh about myself. I've been harsher. But when you ask me: do you regret marriage? I'll always say no. Because I married the man I loved, only to find out I may actually love more than one man.
They're completely different, but they share this one thing: they both were or currently are complete and total jerks. And 'jerks' is saying it lightly. But I guess that's the one thing I fall for over and over again.
Chris Keller, he's in this jerky reign of assy-ness but that can't last, right? Chris is so much older than be but I just… With him I just felt something else. But we're just friends. I know that. But unlike my relationship with Lucas every time I look at him, into his eyes, I feel this all-consuming… feeling. There's no word for this. I can't remember this feeling but it's oddly familiar and it keeps tearing me back to Nathan though I can tell hates me.
Nathan Scott: my best-friends half brother; the supposed love of my life; my husband; the sweet boy who used to be a jackass pre me and now is totally sweet post me and now really hurting because of (you guessed it) me. My thoughts should be circling round him and his jet-black hair that must never be described as dark brown and his soft blue eyes. I should miss those cool crystal eyes. I should miss that tall strong build. I should miss all those moments I shared with him: when he stood in the rain begging me to forgive him for messing up when the cold rain beaded of his hair and I saw really guilt in his usually cocky eyes. I really loved him.
But my thoughts don't do that. I don't really miss him. And I know I should. That's what's really sad. Still, no matter how much I want to think about Nathan, Chris is always there. He really shouldn't be but that's not his fault. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with him, he obviously isn't with me and if he is he's awful good at hiding things.
That's the thing with the guys I fall for: they always hide things from with me and I'm to blind to figure them out. Did I just say I fell for Chris? No, that can't be true. It really can't be. After all I'm married to Nathan! Right? I know my marriage is crumbling like I bridge beneath my feet, I'm helpless and can't stop it so it crumbles flaking off bit by bit till I fall with it. And the only way to stop the bridge from falling is to go to Nathan because he's falling too and just end it. But I don't want that to happen, so I keep falling and falling. Until I hit the ground. But there's Chris there, he's standing by bridge at the end, he's like a safety rope that won't reach out till the falling stops; till the crumbling stops and you're just stranded there. Nathan has his mother and so many other ropes and rescuers waiting to reach out and help him, but I've only got Chris.
Is his given name really Chris or is it Christopher? Taylor once told me that all Chrises are class-B jerks. Yes, my older sister has different classes for different jerks. Class-B's are the one's that have the potential to actually be good guys. She also said Julianes, Marcuses, Jareds, Dariuses and Marvins are Class-B's too. Crazy one that Taylor.
I miss Taylor as annoying as she can be. I really miss my big sister. I miss all my friends. I miss my family. Being the youngest of the James clan has its down-points. By the time I was a teenager my parents were barely around and most of my siblings had already moved out. Except Taylor: the second youngest of the James's. I come from a big family. An overly filled cheaper by the dozen type thing only now we're all grown up and the youngest is left all alone in the huge house that used to be busy with all sorts of escapades. Lucas used to be there for me along with Peyton and (believe it or not) Brooke.
But I abandoned them to chase a dream that may just remain what it is: a dream. So now I'm left with Chris Keller. Arrogant, self-obsessed, cocky, charismatic, caring Chris Keller.
For know I guess I'll just have to accept all the things I've done and go on with my twisted life; smiling like a good girl as I wait and wait and wait for something to happen again. Just smiling. Smiling with a broken heart.