Chapter 1: Leaving Home

'No mum, I want to know!'

Alice threw her suitcase on the floor, her face red with anger. Her mother in front of her, her eyes dark. She wasn't moving.

'You can't'

Bullshit, Alice thought, I need to know, I want to know, I have a right to know, so how can it be so hard? She immediately spoke her mind and yelled:

'Why!?'

Her mother took a deep breath, and Alice suddenly realised it was harder than she thought it was. Her mother was always so sure of herself, this was not something she'd usually do, unless it was actually hard for her to say. Alice's face softened and she stared at her mother, who was visibly looking for the correct words. And when she had eventually found them, she took a deep breath. Alice stared at her constantly, trying to penetrate her soul to see what she was trying to say, what she had been trying to hide for such a long time.

'He doesn't know you exist.'

Alice stumbled back a little, hitting the edge of her bed. She sat down on the perfectly straight sheets, crumpling them. She couldn't care less, she never cared for her bed to be made, that was her mother. She stared at her hands, which were resting on her thighs, still stunned, trying to completely regain her senses and her voice, failing to understand how she didn't see through this lie earlier.

'But... but you said...'

'I know what I said Alice, I lied.'

Lie to me, LIE TO ME, Alice's head was spinning, she always noticed it when people were lying to her, always. And the one person she trusted enough not to check for lies, turned out to be the one who had been lying to her for years.

'Alice.'

Her head shot up, her eyes shooting fire, her head suddenly clear and the knuckles of her hands turned white as the tightened them into fists. Her mother just looked at her with a worried expression. Worried, she always looked worried, Alice thought, but that couldn't stop her from being white hot with anger.

'Why!'

The young mother was startled by her daughters' yell, but she regained her senses quickly enough, she had gotten used to the tantrums over the years. With a soft smile on her face she walked towards Alice, who was still trying to burn her mother with her eyes.

'My dear girl, how do you tell a seven year old that her father has no idea she exists. I didn't want to hurt you, so I lied. That was wrong of me, and I'm sorry, but at the time it was the right thing to do, believe me. I never thought it would come to this. I know you want to know him, but maybe it is not the best idea... I mean, you know nothing about him... what he is actually like...'

She was now close enough to sit down on the bed and did so, she wrapped her arms around Alice, pulling her closer, an embrace that was not returned, Alice was still looking at her mother, whose face was now really close, but her expression hadn't changed.

'Maybe it is for the best that he doesn't know. Maybe you should just forget him. You still have me. You'll always have me, and we can be together, just the two of us...'

'NO!'

Alice pulled her arms up, allowing her to push her mother's arms away, she stood up and quickly turned around, the loose bun holding her long, curling, dark brown hair loosening even more, a few strands had already fallen out.

'No! I will not stay here and forget him. If I do, I'll never understand why I am who I am! You always tell me I am just like him, how can I understand one bit of myself if I have to completely forget the one person I actually resemble, the one person who could possibly understand me without asking millions of questions first!'

She ended her talk breathing heavily, leaning forward towards her mother, who was still staring at her. But when Alice looked again, she could read in her mothers' eyes she had won and she had to suppress the urge of smiling slyly at her own accomplishment. If she really wanted something, she could always talk her mother to it. Not by begging, not by pleading, but by saying just the things that would push her mother's buttons, which normally involved self-reflections and self-discovery things her mother had learned during her feng shui times.

The young mother hung her head and stared at her hands, copying the position Alice had had a few minutes earlier, only a moment later, her head slowly rose and she looked her daughter in the eye again.

'So... y-you really want to go then?'

Alice nodded, just a short nod, but her mother had already seen it and looked back at the floor.

'Then... then I can't force you to stay.'

Alice smiled slyly, no longer suppressing her feeling of victory. The smile disappeared again when her mother looked up and rose. She slowly moved towards Alice, almost dragging her feet forward, not willing to move and not willing to talk. It took her some time before she regained her voice. Eventually she looked up again, right in front of Alice.

'You leave tomorrow then, otherwise I might change my mind.'

Alice nodded and smiled a genuine smile, she had already bought a train ticket ready for tomorrow, though her mother didn't know that. Her mother still looked at her, the tears again burning in her eyes, and it would not be long before they would start falling on her perfectly ironed blouse.

'And Alice...'

Alice focused on her mother again.

'I don't want you to think that I don't want you to meet your father. All I ever wanted was to protect you from him, he... he is not like any other men.'

Alice grinned.

'Mum, am I like any other girl?'

Her mother shook her head, attempting to suppress a smile, and failing.

'You don't understand my girl. Your father...'

She turned towards the window, Alice looked at her mother, surprised, again this hesitation, what made her mother so uncertain about this man?

'Your father is not like any other... his IQ is... immense.'

'Like mine.'

A short laugh, but then it silence filled the room again.

'He is not a person to really care for other people's feelings. He enjoys scientific experiments, chemical experiments, medical experiments, crimes...'

'So he likes to experiment, what is wrong with that?'

Alice smiled, she liked to experiment to, not necessarily with dead bodies or chemicals, but she understood why he loved crime, so did she. Then her mother suddenly turned around, her arms folded around her body, her eyes red with tears, but shooting fire.

'That is all he cares about Alice! Nothing else!'

Alice was startled and stumbled back a little upon seeing and hearing her mother, who took a deep breath to calm down before she continued to talk.

'He enjoys crimes, and not like an interest. To him it's the only way to stop him from being bored, which is always, since he finds all people boring, placid and not worth his time.'

'But, mum, how... how did you know him?'

Her mother seemed to wake up from her strain of thought and looked at her daughter again.

'Your father doesn't care for emotions, he never shows them and is repulsed by everyone who does. We lived in the same area, we kind off grew up together. But I only know him as being closed off. When I was seventeen, two years older than you are now, it seemed as if I got closer to him. His brother had left for London not long before that and it seemed like he was finally opening up...'

She kept quiet for a while, but then went on.

'But I was wrong, I guess. Even though he never showed emotions, he was well equipped in faking them. One night I gave in to his seduction...'

Another moment of silence.

'It was an experiment to him, but to me it was the most perfect night of my life.'

She smiled and Alice did the same thing, but then the smile on her mother's face faded.

'Two days later I went by his house, hoping to see him again. But he was gone, he had moved to London, to his brother, leaving me without even saying goodbye...'

'And a few weeks later you found out you were pregnant with me.'

Her mother looked up at her daughter and walked towards her, wrapping her arms around her. Alice didn't know what to do for a while, but then she wrapped her arms around her mother as well, who smiled at the touch.

'I have always loved you Alice, ever since I found out I was pregnant. Even when I had to move far away from the place I grew up to avoid the scandal I had created. And even when I found out you were more like him than I had anticipated.'

She released her daughter from the embrace and looked her in the eye.

'I can't stop you from looking for him, but I cannot support you in your search.'

Alice nodded, she could understand why, and maybe she was even glad that her mother wasn't coming with her. She really loved her mother, but she had to find this man on her own.

'You cannot face him.'

Her mother nodded. After a moment of silence, the young mother turned around and walked towards the bedroom door, in the doorway she stoped and turnedvaround.

'Make sure you have packed everything, my dear girl. I'll put you on the train to London tomorrow morning, to say goodbye, but from then, you are on your own.'

Alice nodded and her mother left the room, closing the door behind her. She stood there for a while, not moving, only breathing. Then she quickly turned, a smile on her face. She grabbed her suitcase and opened it, even though she knew everything was already in there. She closed it again and picked it up. She walked towards her desk and sat down. In front of her lay a big mess of papers and files, as always. She didn't care about cleaning up, because in this mess was everything she needed and in her opinion, it was logical. The only thing she did have was a small book in which she kept all her interesting observations and in which she drew everything that popped into her mind, which were normally strings of words. It was filled with pencil drawings and quotes she once read or saw, of everything. She picked up a pen and started writing.

The next morning it would be early when she would walk into the station. Her mother would cry. She would pretend to actually care, not really knowing how. Once she would be on the train she would lock herself up with her music, she could listen to the same song for days on end and not get sick of it, as long as it was good music.

With her little book in her hand, she would start looking around her compartment, observing all the people there. With her pencil she would draw things, quotes that described the people she saw. Every once in a while she would look out the window, watching the landscape change and fly by. This was the way to her destiny, the destiny of Alice Scarlet Reynolds, the way to London, the way to her father and the way to where her world would get made.