Disclaimer: I own nothing. I make no money.
A/N: This story is told in Harm's point of view. Since that is the case a lot of the story is Harm's version. As we know there are two sides to every story, but this is what I am portraying because this story is about a man who seemingly has lost everything and decides to get his life back in order the best way he can. This story takes place in season 9. Everything up to episode 'Coming Home' Is considered in my story's continuity. Anything after that including the season finale will not be included. Any similarities to future episodes are not intentional.
The Fall and Rise of Harmon Rabb
My name is Harmon Rabb Jr. I am a Commander in the U.S. Navy. My life has just fallen into the bottomless pit of loneliness and despair. I have lost almost everything that means something to me.
I ponder my life while I sit here doing my best to get drunk. I am afraid beer is not cutting it and I have switched to bourbon. I know that alcohol is not the answer but somehow, I don't care. I have lost Mattie. I have lost Mac. I still have what's left of my broken career, but without those two in my life… let's just say that a career with several torpedo holes in it won't keep you warm at night, figuratively or literally.
Three nights ago, Mattie left me. I should take comfort in the fact that I will see her as often as I can, but I don't. Mattie finally made reconciliation with her father, Tom Johnson. They managed to put their family back together through Mattie's meetings with ALATEEN, and dinners here with her father. I call Tom her father because I have not let go of the thought that I am her dad, even though I can no longer claim that title.
Three days ago:
"I am really going to miss you Harm," Mattie told me with tears in her eyes.
"I am going to miss you too," I tell her as I fight back my own tears. "Don't worry though, you can call me anytime. I will be coming to visit as much as I can. We still have each other, but you have to set things right with your father. Mattie, I want you to know that I will always think of you as my daughter. I love you kiddo."
Mattie wrapped her arms around me, squeezed me tight, and softly said, "I love you too, dad." She then ran and jumped into Tom's truck and she waved as they drove away. Jennifer Coates walked up from behind me and I put my arm around her as we waved goodbye. We were both crying by the time they were out of view. We both had held it together until she was gone. We had to be strong for her. Now we just stood out in the night embraced into a hug, trying to find some cold comfort to the loss we both felt. Jen came back to my apartment and we discussed what her future plans would be now that Mattie was gone. Since she no longer had right to half of the rent being paid by me, she was thinking of moving to a smaller and cheaper apartment. She would need a furnished one since most of the furniture came from Mattie's house. I asked her to follow me downstairs.
"What are we doing, sir?" she asked me. Damn Jen, all this time and you still can't call me Harm. She is almost as bad as Bud. At least Harriet finally got it right.
"First of all Jen, please call me Harm when we aren't in uniform. Second, Mrs. Abrams has moved out downstairs and her apartment is available. I want you to see it before you make any decisions."
"Ok Harm. I still don't think I can afford to live in this building. It may look like an old warehouse on the outside but these apartments are still out of my league."
"Trust me," I tell her as I pull out a key to Mrs. Abrams' apartment and show her inside. Mrs. Abrams had a one bedroom apartment as opposed to the two bedroom that Mattie shared with Jen. Jen looks around and the apartment is clean and tidy, with hardwood floors, nice furniture, and in a style similar to the one she lives in now.
"Wow. This is really nice, do you think I can afford it, Harm?" she asked me. I smiled as I told her it was hers if she wanted it for the same price as she was paying now. It didn't take long for her to finally realize what was going on. "You own this building don't you?" All I could do was give her a smile that told her that I did indeed own the building.
When my father was shot down in 1969, the Navy took care of my mom and me. We both received military benefits. Of course, Mom lost hers when she married Frank, but I continued to receive mine until my 18th birthday. I didn't know it at the time because I was only five years old, but my mom took mine and saved every penny of it for me. When she married Frank, he invested my money for me. Believe me when I say that a senior VP of Chrysler knows how to invest money. He invested it all for me along with money I made working for Happy at his hangar. Happy was very good to me growing up. He told me stories of his life as an aviator. He taught me everything I know about fixing up airplanes. He even taught me how to fly. To make a long story short, I used some of the money to by my Vette when I was 17. Otherwise, I never touched the money until I moved to DC. I bought the building and started renovating it. I did all of the other apartments first so I could rent them out while I finished mine. I used my Navy salary to pay for my old apartment. I lived there until about 2 months before my adventure at Red Rock Mesa.
Jen was very happy with the new apartment so we packed up what little of her things remained and we moved her downstairs. It sure was fun moving her bedroom furniture with the lift out again. One of these days I am going to replace that damn thing.
Back to present:
I grab another beer out of the fridge. The bourbon helped get the buzz I was looking for and I decided I finish it off with more beer. I may be feeling like the world has come to an end but that is nothing compared to what would happen to me at work tomorrow if Chegwidden gets wind of my hangover. I find myself standing in Mattie's empty apartment. It just strengthens my resolve to get falling down drunk. I miss Mattie so much and it has only been 3 days. Unfortunately, Mattie is only part of the problem. I lock her apartment and head back to mine. I need another beer before this little trip down memory lane. This little episode happened tonight at AJ's 5th birthday party. Mac put an end to my dream of 5 years ago. She told me the deal was off. I grab another beer and open it and take a huge swig as the memory starts playing in my head like a video tape.
Earlier that day:
"So you don't want to go halves on the kid that we promised each other?" I asked Mac softly. I couldn't read her expression. Sometimes I just can't grasp what the woman is feeling. She has a look that is a cross between a puppy begging for a rub on the head and the Mac that is about to send a scud missile up my six and blow my case in court straight to hell.
"If you remember correctly Harm, that was under the condition that neither one of us be involved with someone. I am very much involved, so bye bye baby deal," she told me with a smirk on her face that I would slap off if only she were a man.
All I could say was, "Webb," with all the disgust I could muster. I tried to keep my jealousy out of my voice, but Mac knows me too well. She ignored it though. She decided to just taunt me instead.
"That's right, Webb. Clay and I are very happy together. He is so open with his feelings. Besides, Harm you have Mattie now, so the Rabb legacy can live on." She just can't help herself. She just has to be so damn perky about my misery. She has taken perverse pleasure in hurting me, especially since Paraguay. I think she is trying to pick a little fight. I don't know if it is just that she hates me so much or she is trying to make herself feel better about choosing Webb instead of me. Of course she didn't know about Mattie leaving. I felt pain wash through my body as I steeled myself for the fight that was coming. Then I decided to hell with fighting with her. In fact, to hell with her. I hated it for her, but I was not going to bite. I decided to send a final jab and make my way home to get drunk.
"Well, I guess we come full circle, Colonel. Only this time the loop is broken and your fairytale is complete," I told her. I know she had no idea what I was talking about. She got this look on her face that told me a question was coming. Too bad, I decided to cut her off at the knees. I turned and walked away as she called after me.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Harm? Harm?!?"
"Goodbye, Sarah," I said over my shoulder as I walked away. It was over. I made my goodbyes to Bud, Harriet and AJ. I hopped in my Vette and headed for home.
Back to present:
I guess I have had enough alcohol for the night. The pain I feel is not gone, but it is dulled somewhat. I guess that has to do with the fact I can barely walk straight. Being drunk has never interfered with my music though. I grab my trusty guitar and start strumming. I needed a song. Something fitting for the situation... I got it. A little REO Speedwagon ought to do the trick. I think for a minute as the chords come back to my memory. I try it once or twice until I get it right, then I let it rip:
You tell me what you think I'm feelin'
You know why I do what I do
Why should you listen to a word I'm sayin'
When it's already so clear to you
You tell me 'bout my bad intentions
You doubt the very things I hold true
I can no longer live with your misconceptions
Baby all I can say to you, is
That ain't love, I believe you've got the wrong emotion
That ain't love, at least it doesn't feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that's love, well baby that ain't love to me
We've got to talk it over sometime
These feelings won't just disappear
I'm just gonna keep telling you what's on my mind
Even if it's not what you wanna hear
Ooooh right now your world and mine are such different places
Through yours I wander lost and confused
And I feel like I'm speaking in a different language
And the only words I haven't used
Are that ain't love, I believe you've got the wrong emotion
That ain't love, at least it doesn't feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that's love, well baby that ain't love to me
You keep tellin' me
You know a place where your life would be better
You're makin' plans long-range
But I don't know how you expect to get there
When you refuse to change - yeah
Oooh baby - that ain't love, I believe you've got the wrong emotion
No baby, that ain't love, at least it doesn't feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that's love, well baby that ain't love to me
Oooh baby that ain't love
Love love love love love love love
That ain't love, ooh no
Baby that ain't love,
That ain't love
That ain't love
That ain't love
God that felt good. That song just seemed to fit my life with Mac. I feel like a weight is lifted. The pain is still there, but a newfound resolve has slipped into my psyche. If my career is all I have left, then I will put my all into it. I feel pretty good right now. The only thing that would have been better would have been if Mac could have heard the song and realized that I am not going to be her target anymore. If Webb wants her, he can have her, good and bad. As soon as the thought comes out, there is a knock on my door. I know who it is as I sense her presence. Maybe she heard it after all. That thought gives me courage as I yell, "It's open Mac."
It's going to be a long night.
To be continued.