Hello one and all! RH here! I'm trying something a little bit different than before. This piece is actually a companion piece to another story that is currently being written by my muse and soulmate, endlessmuse. His story is called The Thief- hence, mine shall be referred to as The Queen. This is the events of his story from Regina's perspective- please note that his story does not strictly follow cannon, and will divert quite easily at times. Also, please go read his story if you're going to read mine. He works so hard on his writing, and it's really quite good; and, not a lot of this would make any sense without his part. Dark themes, violence, cursing, adult situations... all of it will be had in this story. Again, please see his if you've any questions. Without further ado, here we go!
11-30-16 This chapter was rewritten and revised for continuity and per the author's tastes. The length has been quadrupled- I hope the quality has been as well. There are many different page breaks- the reason for this is, aside from there being a lot of information to cover in this chapter, Regina is dealing with grief right now, and a lot of times, time seems jerky and disjointed. I wanted to sort of capture that, to show the disjoint between thoughts and what's happening. I didn't always tell how much time had passed between page breaks- just know that this whole chapter takes place within the span of about a week. Please let me know your thoughts! -RH
She could still taste him on her lips as he kissed his newly-resurrected wife, feeling that sense of happiness, of love, of belonging, slither through her fingers like so much sand. His lips pressed against the forehead of his wife, of Marian, as he whispered that he thought he'd never see her again, and oh, her heart... had it stopped beating? Right then, she wished it would. Little Roland's confused, excited "Mama?" broke her heart even further, and she didn't want to replace the boy's mother- she couldn't do that. But what need did the boy have of her now? What need had either of the Locksley men for her now?
The look of shock on her face was open and clear for all to see, and people were indeed looking now. Conversations were dying down as the townspeople saw just what was happening. The little family reunion next to her remained oblivious, and she would be left wondering just how much that hurt, that he didn't even realize that as he regained his wife, she was losing her future. The one man in the universe who was meant to love her, and that had been ruined, ruined beyond all reason by...
"You..." Her eyes found Emma's, and she tried not to cry, tried not to yell and scream and curse, because she was supposed to be different now, she wasn't that horrible person. But she couldn't speak above a whisper as tears thickened in her throat anyway, and she could feel her body burning and going cold all at once. Was she all tingly? Was she being pumped full of adrenaline? Was she blacking out? Her mind attempted to process what was happening to her, but everything kept being halted by this, this... betrayal by someone she had come to trust, if albeit reluctantly. "You did this?"
Emma appeared confused, as if she didn't understand what was happening. What messing with the timeline had done... the pain it had caused. No, she had thought she was doing the greater good by 'Just wanting to save her life.' Just like Snow had 'Just didn't want you to lose your mother like I did.' Emma always liked to think she took after David, all swashbuckling and heroic. But she was her mother's daughter through and through. Once again, someone else had 'done the right thing'... and once again, she was forced to live with the consequences.
"You're just like her," she breathed, pain burning every pass of air over her vocal cords. Her eyes were black and heavy, glassy with tears that she would die before letting fall. "Never thinking of consequences-"
"I didn't know-"
"Of course you didn't." Like that made it better. Like any of that lessened the pain of losing her second chance at happiness. Like she hadn't had her heart crushed again, in front of everyone in this shabby little diner. The darkness was swirling inside, and she had to get out of here before she did something she regretted. Before she ruined everything. Turning, she breezed out of the diner and into the chilly air, feeling the pain of doing it alone. Ten minutes ago, she'd had everything. She'd walked into the diner thinking she belonged to someone as much as he belonged to her. And now, it was all messy and complicated, and how could this have happened? How could it?
She was a villain, of course. No matter how hard she tried not to be, there was no erasing her deeds.
But she could still taste him on her lips... and he'd thought she was good. He hadn't called her a villain. He hadn't thought she was evil. And slowly, she'd started to believe that maybe, he was right. Maybe she could be a better person, and actually be worthy enough to have a good life, a family... love. She slid her fingers into her hair and breathed in the cold night. Fate once again had showed her the truth. How dare she ever believe otherwise?
Vaguely, she heard the little bell over the door go off, and she thought perhaps... perhaps he had come after her. Maybe he was coming to stop her, to reassure her, to tell her that he still wanted her, and that they would figure this out together.
"Regina..."
The voice that spoke her name was not Robin's. Nor was it someone she particularly wanted to speak with right now. "Not now, Swan."
As always, no one ever respected her wishes, and the blonde woman kept on speaking. "I'm sorry. When I brought Marian back, I didn't know who she was. I didn't intend to cause you pain."
And that was the crux of the matter, wasn't it? No one ever 'intended' to cause pain. But when pain was still the outcome, what did it matter? People believed she was a monster because she left pain in her wake. But what about the people like the Charmings who did it, just not intentionally? Was that supposed to be a consolation? If one stepped on an ant, then explained to it that they didn't mean to kill it, did that make the ant any less dead? At least she gave people a reason to hate her. The problem with the heroes was that they believed intent softened the blow, when in reality, it made it so much worse.
"Well, your intentions really don't matter. Because once again, I've felt the brunt of heroism. Always a villain... even when I'm not."
"What was I supposed to do?" she asked, hands on her hips, as if she was morally superior. As if, by virtue of being 'the Savior,' anything she did was automatically correct. Regina had had enough of her complex.
"Well, you were stupid enough to travel through time, maybe you should have left well enough alone."
"I am not gonna apologize for saving someone's life." And no, of course she wouldn't. No matter if that person's existence meant she could never have what she so desperately wanted. No matter if that person had been dead already. This wasn't saving someone's life. This was bringing them back from the dead.
"She was to die anyway. What did it matter?"
"It matters because she was a person. And whatever she did, she didn't deserve to die."
"Well maybe she did!" Who the hell was Emma Swan to dictate the laws of the universe? Who was she to proclaim that this one person was meant to live when she'd so clearly been stupid enough to get herself killed? Robin had told her that he'd been off somewhere on a job when it'd happened, and by the time he was back, it was too late. The way he'd spoken about it seemed as if he'd either not been sure on the details, or didn't wish to divulge them to her. Either way, she'd hunted Snow for years, and somehow, the brat had managed to foil her every attempt. The fact that this fluffy little wispy woman couldn't handle the Enchanted Forest proved that maybe she didn't deserve to live. Survival of the fittest.
Even as she thought it, she felt bad. And then, upon hearing Emma's words, she felt worse.
"Well, you would know. I saved her from you."
Of course. That was it, wasn't it? She was being punished now for the sins of the past. And of course, who better to mete out that punishment but the sanctimonious daughter of the sanctimonious Charmings? "The woman who did that? That was the person I was, not the person I am." Robin had showed her that. Robin and Henry, and even Emma. And yet, how easily this one seemed to forget. Would they all forget so easily? She'd never proclaimed to be a saint, but for once, it would be nice not to be the whipping boy. "I worked very hard to build a future. A future that's now gone."
"You don't know that." And suddenly, she was transported to that time when she and Emma had come to blows. Some demented little part of her whispered to do it again, to slap the face off this holier-than-thou woman, and show her what she really felt about her meddling.
But, no. Henry... she had him to think about still. She'd come so far, and this wasn't going to set her back. It couldn't. And yet...
"I know that it's complicated enough now that his dead wife is back."
"Regina, for that I am sorry." Yeah, like hell she was. "If there's anything I can do to help-"
"Miss Swan..." The hilarity of the situation took her for just a moment, and all she wanted to do was laugh, and then cry. Was this really happening? How had she been happy minutes ago, and everything was different now? "The more you try to help, the worse my life becomes." At least she didn't try to deny it. Left there, in the face of her own doing, Emma couldn't meet Regina's eyes, but while she felt vindicated, it didn't change the fact that she'd once again lost her happily ever after. Once again, the actions of the 'heroes' doing the 'right' thing, had left her out in the cold. If fate was telling her anything, it was that doing the right thing and her ending up happy could never be the same thing. She would forever be at odds.
"Marian, please, meet her. She's not at all what you think." The door was opening, and out came the Locksley clan, Robin backing down the stairs as he pulled Marian along eagerly, trying to get her to go to where Regina had stopped when Emma had come after her. As the woman who held vitriol in her eyes came towards her, she wasn't so sure she didn't blame both of them; Robin for not coming after her first, and Emma for coming after her at all, forcing her to have this conversation. All she wanted was to be left alone to mourn in peace. "Regina, I... want you to meet Marian." In his eyes, she didn't see the same affection as before. She saw confusion, and excitement, but it was tempered by pain and conflict. He wanted to talk about this, he said, and the look of disgust on Marian's face was so stark and immediate, that she knew this would never work.
Well, at least that was one thing they had in common. The thought of sitting with these two and actually discussing anything regarding a relationship was torture. Marian appeared to be fighting vomit. "Wait, were you two... are you two together?"
"Marian, please-"
"You, and the Evil Queen? Did you let her near my son? Do you know what she's done, the terror she's inflicted!?"
Regina snorted. This was going well. If Robin's arm wasn't touching her elbow, she would already be gone. As it was, she recognized that she was weak enough to stay and soak up anything she could get from him. This was probably the last time she would get to feel his hands on her, and no matter how upset she was, she wanted to memorize the pleasant tingle of her soulmate's hand on her.
Snow and David, the original meddlers, popped out and asked if everything was okay, and no. How could it be okay? Didn't Snow know who this woman was? Didn't she know what her daughter had done? Was everything okay?
Nothing was okay.
"No one's been incinerated yet, so that's a good sign." Leave it to Captain Idiot to make a lame joke. She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, inadvertently pulling her elbow away from Robin's touch. Briefly, she lamented the loss, then closed her mind off to it. This whole situation couldn't be more awkward. Snow focused in on her, looking around Marian and Robin. "Regina, are you alright?" She didn't answer, her eyes instead honing in on the door behind them as Henry and Hook came out too. Great. Might as well have everyone out here to witness this. The only ones missing were Gold and Mother, to tell them all what she already knew, what they'd been telling her for years- she wasn't worthy of love. She never had been.
"What is wrong with you people? Why are you talking to her!?" Marian probably thought everyone had lost their minds, and Regina couldn't even blame her. She felt rather crazy herself. Henry walked around the gathering, and Regina's eyes immediately went to his. She'd just gotten him back. She had only just convinced him that she was worthy of love before she'd had to cast the curse to take them back to the Enchanted Forest, and she'd been without him for a year. She'd only just gotten him to remember who she was by breaking the curse herself this time. She'd finally gotten to spend a tiny bit of time with her little prince, and now... now, he would be privy to someone who knew firsthand her depravities, and who hadn't forgiven her like the Charmings had. The look on her face became pleading, and all she could do was hope he understood. I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
"Mom, what's going on?"
And she wanted to answer, to say 'Nothing, sweetheart, just a misunderstanding,' but this clearly was more than that. This was obviously something much deeper, much more complicated, and she wasn't going to insult his intelligence by lying to him. That didn't mean that what Marian said was welcome, however. The woman called her a monster, and really, in front of her son? She'd been nothing but kind to her son, but, she supposed, that didn't matter. Regina was the reason he'd grown up without a mom. Regina was the reason Robin had lost the love of his life. And here she was, thinking she could insinuate herself into Marian's place. The hand that had inadvertently lifted to produce some sort of nasty spell in defense lowered through sheer effort, and she tucked it down into her other arm securely to keep it from happening again, a self deprecating sneer on her face.
She really was a monster...
Marian picked Roland up, who had noticed that Regina was distressed, and looked as if he wanted to comfort her. The sweet, sweet boy. She would move mountains for a Roland hug right now. But those were no longer for her, and it was perhaps this, the loss of the little family she could have had with Robin and his son, that finally closed the coffin on her ability to stand here and take it. Emma reached for her, saying her name -which was more than Robin did, and if that didn't tell her his decision, nothing would- but Regina continued walking, crossing the street and disappearing into the night.
No where would be safe for her. Home wasn't an option. Someone would come to check on her. Same with her vault. If they found her there, they would probably think she was up to no good. So... that wouldn't do either. Regina walked aimlessly, surprised -and yet, not- when her feet took her to the same spot in the woods she'd gone weeks ago. Robin had found her then as she had contemplated that letter about Zelena, and even though she hadn't been in the mood to talk, he had somehow coaxed her into opening up to him, into laying bare her concerns, her fears. She'd always thought that letter meant she was worth something, and when she'd found out what it'd truly meant, that the words extolling the virtues of 'Cora's first born' were about Zelena and not herself, Regina had felt lost, rudderless. Robin had dug in and helped her to see that she didn't need that letter to believe in herself. But now, without him, she didn't know how to navigate the perilous sea of darkness that raged within her, and she was so very afraid of doing the wrong thing and losing all that she still had... losing Henry.
She felt like such a fool. It wasn't even Robin's fault. He could bear no part of the blame for this, no matter how angry she was. He didn't ask for his wife to be brought back, and he should be allowed to be excited about this. She'd taken his happiness once. How could she begrudge him this, now that he'd been given this gift? How could she feel anything but happiness for him?
The answer to that was sadly simple; Regina was in love with him. The selfish part of her wanted him to be in love with her too.
Amongst the trees, beneath the cold velvet of the night sky, lights twinkled above. She imagined that they looked dimmer now, imagined them restricting their light in a silent show of solidarity with her. When she'd been a young queen, Regina had gazed through her window at the stars, and thought how lovely it must be to be one of them, knowing nothing of pain and capture and heartache. The only job of a star was to make the night beautiful, and to perhaps give hope to poor, sad souls like hers. She stayed there until the first streaks of pink crept up the horizon, and mourned for the stars as they were wiped away by the bright, glowing dawn, feeling that in this moment, they were both outshined by a light much brighter than their own. Perhaps they were not so different after all.
"You haven't spoken to Robin since that night?!" Snow's indignant voice echoed around her spacious living room, and the reverberations of the hero's high-pitched, too-whiny voice had regal eyes sliding closed, thin, manicured fingers reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose in an attempt to relieve the beginnings of a headache. "Because that's going to send the right signal, Regina."
Dark eyes popped open and landed on the woman who had once been her mortal enemy. Though they were beyond hatred and petty fighting now, there was still a warning swirling dangerously just beneath the surface of those eyes; a warning that Snow should be all too familiar with by now. Regina was close to her limit, and if she had to endure too much prodding, she knew she'd snap something. "I'm not sending any signal, Snow. His wife's back. There's no signal that I could give that would make him pick up on it now."
Snow folded her arms in that infuriating way that she did when she was about to say something particularly cheerful, and the vein in Regina's forehead pulsed once as she ground her teeth together. Didn't Snow know that she had fought with herself already on these very topics? That she'd so wanted to hope that perhaps she was worth enough, loved enough, to be chosen? How her heart ached for the simple joy of his scent, the touch of his hand against hers... his tender, unwavering support.
But -and this had been what'd officially informed her that no, she wasn't meant for happiness- she hadn't seen him for days. Marian was back and staying at the Merry Men camp. The mother to his child had been miraculously brought back from the dead. How could she hope to compete with that?
She couldn't. Why even bother?
None of these things would dampen Snow's damnable spirit. "I think you're wrong, Regina. We all saw the way he looked at you before- like you're his air."
"Funny, because I was just thinking that you're the one being a windbag," she clipped.
"Oh, stop it. Come on, Regina. At least think about seeking him out and talking. What do you have to lose?"
"Regina, you will lose everything!" Mother's voice hissed menacingly, and Regina could practically feel the heat of her stare knifing into her back. She fought to keep her breathing even, knowing that if she showed even the slightest bit of weakness, it would be seized upon; Mother would pick her apart for sport on any other occasion. Now, would be worse. Now, she'd given her a reason to destroy.
"Everything that you want, Mother. I would lose nothing of value. This is your dream... not mine."
"You insolent little girl," Cora spat, and the quick clicking of footfalls told Regina that Cora had advanced on her. "How dare you jeopardize all the work I've done- all the sacrifices I've made to get you here! Marrying King Leopold is not a burden. You should be honored he'd even take you after the attitude you've shown."
Regina wanted to ask what attitude she was referring to, but knew there was no speaking to her mother when she was like this. Blinking steadily, mask firmly in place, she allowed a slow exhale to leave her body, and tried to keep the impending feeling of claustrophobia from creeping in on her. Gazing outside helped with that, and she tried not to tremble in longing as she thought of being out there, of running, of flying far, far away from here. "Yes, Mother," she relented, showing the proper amount of chagrin. "I'm sorry, Mother. I've been nothing but ungrateful. The King has graciously kept us as his guests. I should find him and thank him."
It was enough to appease Mother, and as Cora left the room in a flurry of voluminous skirts, Regina sank to the stone flooring, finally allowing the weight to crush her, collapsing in a heap as she felt the door to freedom, to happiness, to love, slam shut in her face.
The vault was dark and damp, cool and quiet. Here, beneath the ground, things were calm. Things were easier.
She'd done some of her nastiest work here. Many of the terrible spells and potions, and even more hateful, malicious ideas had been born right here in this very sepulcher. The brick had borne witness to the evil that had lived within, and Regina wasn't sure if that was her own evil reflecting back at her, or if some of it had leeched into the walls and now stained this place. Either way, she felt it, it it scared the hell out of her.
She felt out of control, though she didn't like to think of this as hiding. She justified it by telling herself that it was for the protection of the rest of the town; for Henry, and the idiots, and everyone else, so that she didn't do something else that would garner her the title of Evil.
Love is weakness, Regina, kept playing over and over in her head, spoken in Cora's patronizing tone, and she knew that in this instance, it certainly was. She hated being like this- a wounded, whimpering animal, crippled by sentiment and bleeding that pathetic love out of the fatal wound gaping open in her chest.
Okay, so she was perhaps being a bit dramatic. Even she wasn't far enough gone to liken herself to a dying animal. But whether that was due to any strength, real or perceived on her part, or the simple fact that she was in limbo with regards to that love, Regina didn't know.
Snow had left hours ago, only after a promise from Regina to seek Robin out to try to resolve the unspoken tension that resided there. She didn't know if she would keep that promise or not, but what the hell. If she didn't, she could just chalk it up to being a monster, and that would be the end of it.
Monster... She was that, wasn't she? It'd been some time since she'd heard the word hurled at her. Regina had almost started to believe that they could see her as something else, something human. But Marian's biting words that night had cut her right to the quick, and when everyone had gathered around, and Henry had gazed at her, she knew she had to go, if only to keep from breaking down at being forced to relive the awful truth of her deeds. After all the death and destruction she'd caused, all the lives she'd ruined, it didn't matter if she tried to be a saint. She would always be a villain. Her fate would forever be sealed.
Dark thoughts swirled around her mind. They think you're already losing it, the darkness whispered, and this time, it sounded like Rumplestiltskin. They think you're weak and hurt, and it won't be long until they send someone down here to finish you off when you're at your lowest. Beat them to it.
But that wasn't true. Regina pushed back at the thoughts, replacing their seductive venom with truth and reason. Snow wouldn't let them do that. And neither would her little prince. Not that she could really blame them if someone did come after her. After all, Marian was quite outspoken against her. It wouldn't take much for the people of Storybrooke to remember the things she'd done, and they could whip themselves into a frenzy if they so chose. Would she even try to stop them if they did?
The ground shook, and with it, vials and books and other odds and ends she'd collected over the years danced precariously, threatening to topple and smash to the ground. Breaking from her thoughts, she steadied everything within reach, flinching as dirt rained on her from above at what she could only describe as a giant's footsteps. What the hell was going on up there? It must be rather big to create such a stir this far beneath ground, and whatever it was was moving.
It was heading south, she thought, through the forest... South. Towards the edge of town.
South. Towards Robin's camp.
Before she could lose whatever it was to the protective cover of the forest, Regina scrambled up the stairs and out into the green foliage, following the hulking, white creature that left behind it a strange chill.
"I don't know what to do, Daddy," said softly, sitting across from her father in the botanical gardens of King Leopold's castle. Soon to be her castle too, if she simply allowed her life to be written for her. She desired freedom. She wanted to get away from the castle, from her intended, from the woman who made this all happen to her against her will. But how?
"Why do anything, sweetheart? Your mother's secured a decent match for you- I daresay, there couldn't be a better provider than a king found throughout the land. You'll never be without, and you'll have a soft and warm bed."
"I could have had a soft and warm bed with Daniel," she said miserably, her eyes falling to her lap as she felt the tears welling even then. He'd only been gone a few weeks, but every time Mother saw her show even a shred of emotion when talking about 'the filthy stable boy', she would be chastised, and threaten her with a ruination of her reputation. Regina had half a mind to let her spread lies about her virtue. Perhaps then, this circus of a marriage would be killed in its infancy. "Why marry someone if you don't even love them?"
Her father lightly patted her hand and took one of them into both of his, probably to stop the nervous fiddling that would be a dead giveaway of her current emotional state. "I didn't even know your mother when we were married, dear. And look. It turned out alright."
Regina gazed at him, exasperated, and wanted push his hands away for such a flimsy argument. He was holding up the abuse that passed for a marriage as an example!? "Daddy-"
"I'm not saying it's perfect. It isn't. But I have you, Regina, and that's well worth it."
Her father's words were kind and warm, and she knew he meant them. He was the only person in this world who truly loved her, even if he couldn't always show it. Even if Mother sometimes didn't let him show it.
"And you'll have the King's daughter to tend to. She loves you already, Regina. You'll be so close, you could practically be sisters."
Again, his words were kind and warm. Again, she knew he meant them. This time, instead of providing the same comfort as before, she felt ice sluice down her stomach and settle there, hard and heavy, like an unpalatable stone. Yes, Snow White was already quite attached to Regina, and in age, they were so very close to sisters. Yet, the terror of her true role to the child was painfully unavoidable. She would be the surrogate, the stand-in, the nanny that Leopold could have bought instead of married. She would be mother to a girl only a few years her junior.
The same girl who had told her mother of Daniel...
Darkness swirled in her eyes, and as her father tutted over her and held and hugged her, Regina silently hated the little girl with lips as red as blood, hair as black as night, and skin as white as snow.
There were people gathered -or, stationed, rather- around a small fire, everyone pointing weapons at the creature that she could now very easily see was a snow man. What the hell was something like that doing here!? Her mind instinctively searched over any and all creatures she'd ever read about during her magical studies, but the only thing that held any purchase was the abominable snow man that Henry had once done a report about in the second grade. (The assignment had been about an animal going extinct, and her boy had latched onto something a bit different. For weeks on end, all she'd heard about was wanting to go find it somewhere in the Himalayas.) That knowledge didn't help her defeat this creature, though, and it looked like she was going to have to do the dirty work as she saw Robin shoot an arrow at the beast, leaving little to no damage. This wasn't exactly the way she'd pictured their first meeting after that horrible night at Granny's.
The creature seemed to be focusing now on Marian, and something within her whispered darkly to just... let it. She could so easily let this thing crush the annoying little blip standing in the way of her happily ever after, and who was to say that she would be in the wrong? Regina didn't even know if she could beat this creature. Why should she endanger her own life to help that ungrateful peasant? But the thought of Robin in pain at losing his wife a second time, arguably at Regina's hand once again, left the taste of bile in her mouth. And Roland... she couldn't do that to him. Somewhere within, she felt the same calm, quiet pain that had gripped her all week settle around her like a blanket, pushing back the slight mania that had encroached at the idea of finally being rid of Marian. This was not the way. Robin would never forgive her.
Regina spirited herself away with her magic, plumes of dark, heady plum heralding her arrival. The snow creature seemed confused to see her standing there suddenly, and she lifted her chin as she stood between Marian and the beast. It made a move to step forward, obviously not anticipating the hurled fireball sizzling a hole through its middle. She smirked viciously as it shot clean through, like melted butter. "Not today, Frosty."
The hellstorm that followed curled the very ends of her hair, and made her eyes water from the intense heat. She'd only called upon this spell a few times, and each time had been as devastating as the one before. She hoped Robin would forgive her for lighting a few of the trees on fire, but considering the circumstances, she was sure he'd be fine. When her violent magic dissipated, all that remained of the threat was a puddle of water, and she knew it was worth it. If nothing else, she had saved Marian's life now, and she at least didn't have to feel guilty about ending it. She breathed in a sigh of relief. More importantly, Robin and Roland were safe. She would continue feeling like crap without the healing powers of father and son's dimples, but... they were safe.
Before anyone could look or even begin to talk to her, Regina gave herself to the pull of her magic, evaporating like mist, only to place herself in her entryway back at home. Kicking her black stilettos off, she arranged them carefully by the door, then proceeded into the kitchen for a bottle of wine and a single wine glass. She'd earned a damn drink or two.
Regina wasn't sure how long she'd been there, trying to numb the strange, jumpy anxiety that was threatening her demeanor. The wine was helping, but only just barely, and when the doorbell rang, she nearly jumped sky high. When had she gotten so damned high strung?
Once anxiety died down, irritation set in. Of course someone would just show up instead of calling first. Of course. It was probably Snow. Probably Snow, and many of the heroes, likely wanting to know about Frosty the Snow Jerk. She could do that. She was numb enough for that talk. And then... then a shower, and sleep, and she would get to work early tomorrow and take care of her town. She'd been much too lax on things lately, due to insufferable sentimentality. It was time that ended, heartbreak or no. Moving to the door, she didn't even bother to slide her shoes back on, and was thus a good three inches shorter than usual as she opened the door, already preparing a tirade for the hapless idiot on the other side.
"Robin..." Her cheeks blushed, and she licked her wine-stained lips, realizing a beat too soon that that was probably inappropriate. Who was the hapless idiot here? "I wasn't expecting you." That was the understatement of the century. What the hell did he want? He couldn't possibly be here for anything good... not with the way he appeared.
She took a good moment to study him then; noticed the perpetual downturn of his mouth, even when he tried to remain neutral, noticed the sadness... no, the regret pinching around his eyes. But what could he possibly have to regret, except-
Even in her inebriated state, Regina knew. She knew why he was here, and she had never wanted to slam the door so hard in her entire life. She already knew she wasn't worthy of love. Did he really feel the need to have to rub her nose in it?
The answer, while startling, came almost immediately. Yes , he did need to do it. If he didn't, she would always secretly bear vestiges of treasonous hope, waiting for the day when he would come back to her. This torture was necessary. And hell, she knew she deserved it, and quite a bit more, for old sins. Squaring her shoulders, Regina opened the door wider and let him inside, knowing he was heralding the end of yet another disastrous attempt at happiness. She didn't think she was steady enough on her feet to stand during this, so she decided she'd make herself as comfortable as she possibly could be, and took her time arranging herself on her loveseat; on the far side, in case he decided to try to sit down here too, instead of the chair. Being too close to him was surely an unhealthy idea when she knew what was coming.
Or, would be coming, if Robin could get out of his own head. Oh, Robin... you poor, kind fool. Here, let me help you destroy us. "So. I think we both know why you're here. Your wife is back."
He agreed, and needing no further prompting, began to lay the framework of the argument that he would use to break her heart, to try to cushion it as much as possible so that he could still function. Regina would let him. Robin was a good man. He deserved a sleep unburdened by a heavy conscience. Still, it stung, hearing him say the words. Her features shifted minutely, transforming into a pained, bitter acceptance, and she didn't even try to fight it. There was no point in it anyway; she'd known where she stood with him after day three of silence. His mind was made up- had been made up from the moment his wife had stepped foot into Storybrooke. Regina could never compete with that, and she understood. It still didn't make it any easier.
Some part of her heard her own voice in her ears, and she knew she was saying something about loving Marian, but her thoughts were so disjointed that nothing was truly connecting. Inside, she felt as one by one, the pain receptors in her mind and heart began to violently disconnect, leaving her shut down and impervious to the burning of tears in her eyes, the thickness of tears lingering in the back of her throat. Later, when he was gone, she would cry. Later, she could break down and allow herself to experience the full brunt of this storm. But not now. Now, he would receive that which he needed to live with himself, and she would send him on his way, back to his family... back to his wife, with a clear and happy conscience.
The deed was done. She echoed his goodbye out of habit, and saw his legs -blurry with tears- move away towards the foyer. Some part of her mind snarked that, at least the dirty thief had remembered to take his boots off, and she wouldn't be left with a reminder of his presence into her home -into her life- in the form of dirt stains on the carpet. That was nice and quantifiable, and terribly, awfully horrible of her. She didn't know what bid her to call out for him, and ask him why he would even bother taking off his boots when he knew he would only be stopping by to break her heart, but he was already gone, and her call fell unheard.
She was alone now, and this time, it felt more final than it ever had. This was it, she realized. If her soulmate couldn't love her, what hope was there for her? It was at that moment that Regina Mills broke down. A rough sob left her, and she stared at the door for several seconds, before feeling a blinding, crippling wave of fury. How dare that dirty thief do this to her? She'd told him to leave her be! She'd told him to leave her alone clear back in the Enchanted Forest, and he hadn't. He'd refused! And now, he wanted to leave!?
The crack of shattering glass startled her, and she turned, seeing the glittering shards raining down onto her carpet. Motherly irritation surged- if Henry came walking through here with bare feet, he'd rip himself to shreds. No, she needed to keep Henry away for right now though. He couldn't see her like this. Especially not as a dark, dark plan began to form as her fingers closed around the largest shard. In the cracked glass, she saw her reflection; red, tear-stained eyes, bleeding mascara. Pathetic. But she didn't have to be. She could have everything she ever wanted, if only she worked hard enough. If Emma Swan could go back and tamper with things, then so the hell could she.
Twenty minutes later, she was opening up the door to the padded cell in the intensive care unit of the hospital, the shrunken man inside blinking against the light. Once his eyes adjusted, he drank in the sight of her as if he was a starving man. She tried not to shudder in disgust. When he spoke, his voice was rusted from disuse, but incredulous, as if she'd just bestowed upon him the greatest of gifts. "What are you doing here?"
Adopting the same shroud of protective darkness, the Queen gazed at him as if he was special, important. As if he was invaluable to her, and she supposed at this moment, that wasn't a lie. "I need my mirror."
As if she had imbued him with purpose once more, the man asked her, voice touched with awe. "For what, my Queen?"
Regina graced him with a small, reserved smile. "There's someone standing in the way of my happiness." Sidney's eyes were unblinking upon hers. "I need your help getting rid of them."
"Her name is Marian."
Regina turned the book around, allowing Sidney to see the illustration in the book. It was Robin and Marian's wedding, and she averted her gaze, staring instead at the bricks of the inner walls in the vault, the pain of knowing that that should have been her wedding briefly showing on her features. She didn't like showing Sidney such emotion. He would find a way to twist it, to use it to worm his way inside. Part of the reason she'd locked him up in the first place -aside from him failing in her quest to destroy Emma Swan- was because she'd known he had been stalking her.
Sidney's dark eyes didn't pick up her pain- instead, he was gazing at the image, waiting for her to continue.
"Thanks to Emma, she's back. And recapturing that happy ending this book gave her."
She could see the gears begin to spin in his head. "The book gave that to her?" He did look up this time, and she could see the hungry glint of opportunity in his gaze. He was thinking about how this could work for him, and the implications of that... Regina wasn't sure she wanted to know.
"It's powerful," she said, trying to move his mind back to the topic at hand. This was about her happy ending. "It's more than just a book. What happens inside it appears... immutable. But I'm stronger." This time, she looked at him, and leaned forward, engaging his ever-constant need to be the center of her attention. "We're going to change things."
He took a deep breath, as if breathing for the first time, and Regina watched as he too leaned forward. Perhaps she'd engaged too much, perhaps she'd given him the impression that she was going to reward him in ways a little too personal. Mentally, she vowed to be more careful. "How?"
"She needs to be removed."
"Ohh..." Though it was only one word, one syllable, it was filled with all the husky attraction that he'd always tried to use on her. "That's where I come in. Your murderous arm..." A gleeful, adoring smile grew on his lips. In that same hushed tone, as if he were speaking to her like a lover, he continued. "I knew there was a reason that you kept me in that prison for all those years, waiting til I could be of service." And oh, oh she hadn't expected him to bring that up, even though now that he had, she didn't know why the thought hadn't crossed her mind before. She'd locked him up long ago- he really had no idea about what had transpired in Storybrooke since. "I knew you hadn't forgotten about me."
The woman she was before wouldn't have balked. She'd have gleefully seduced until just the point where she had him twisted around her finger, and he would do her bidding without complaint. But, she wasn't that woman anymore, and the sheer fact of the matter was that... there really hadn't been a reason that she'd locked him up, aside from punishment. There hadn't been a reason for the time. Had things gone well with Robin, had this not happened, she probably would have kept him there, thinking nothing of him until she was one day quietly passed the report of his death in the hospital.
"Right..." Maybe she wasn't so different than she was. Only a monster could do that to another person, no matter how creepy or self-serving Sidney truly was. She faltered inward. Perhaps Robin was better off with Marian. She was likely a hell of a lot purer and kinder. He had probably already made up with her, was probably enjoying their marriage bed in a way Regina never had... and now, never would.
Sidney interrupted her thoughts with his cheerful "How do you want me to kill her?"
Her thoughts refocused, and she shook her head. "I don't want you to do anything of the sort. If she shows up dead, how long do you think it would take before someone figured out I put you up to it? This requires a more elegant touch. I have to undo Emma's mistake. I have to go back in time before Emma arrived and kill Marian before she can be saved."
Sidney appeared confused. "What I don't get, is my part in all this."
"Well, as Queen, I sentenced many to death... captured many prisoners."
Sidney's amusement grated on her far more than it should have. "You don't remember this Marian."
"Well she's awfully vanilla, can you blame me? I need you to show me the exact moment I captured her, so I know when to travel back to."
The man's eyes widened, as if he was becoming exasperated. "Well how am I supposed to do that? In this world, I'm no longer the mirror with mag-"
With a wave of her hand, purple magic enveloped him, and he was suddenly stuck once more behind the glass prison. With him restricted there, she felt a bit more secure- not that she couldn't simply set his ass on fire if he tried something, but... his mere presence ignited some deep-seated fear within her. Something about him reminded her of Leopold, and that was a feeling she never desired to feel again. "Now you are."
He was not quite pleased with his new accommodations, and actually beat on the glass from the inside. Regina rolled her eyes. "Relax, it's just temporary. Now help me."
Sidney breathed in as he saw his freedom dangled in front of his face, his hands, which had been beating against the glass lowered, and he calmly smiled, finally accepting his current situation. "Yes, Your Majesty."
Regina stepped closer, her eyes intent upon the glowing surface of the mirror. She hadn't felt this powerful, this out of control in some time. Some part of her was terrified... some part of her knew that Henry wouldn't like this, but she didn't acknowledge that part. If she did, the plan would be over before it'd even begun. Another part of her welcomed this feeling, this power, this anger, like a friend who had been away. Darkness seeped into her pores, took her by the heart, and held her close.
"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, show me who I want to kill most of all."
The surface transformed until the image of her younger self, dressed in luxurious regalia, stood face to face with Marian. She was asking the woman where Snow White was, and Marian was stubbornly refusing to answer. Her mirror self proclaimed that death would meet the maiden the next day, and as she strutted away, Marian shocked the Queen by telling her that she... felt sorry for her.
In that moment, as Marian spoke about having a family, having love, and those things replacing cruelty, she didn't hear the woman's words. She heard Robin's voice saying those things. She saw Robin kissing this woman, obviously loving her ferocity. Regina had been wrong to call her vanilla- she was plain on the outside, yes. Not many could match the Queen's stunning beauty. But where Regina had been groomed her entire life to be a beautiful doll, she had been taught to stifle any sort of inner desire, and it had boiled over when she was at least free. This woman had been sentenced to death by her hand, but had it stopped Robin from loving Marian in the first place? Had it really done anything but made Robin and Roland hurt?
Regina watched as the Queen walked away laughing, all the while Marian calling her a monster, and she was. Oh, she was.
She was sure her expression was anything but queenly as the memory disappeared and Sidney's face reappeared. "Was that what you were looking for?"
Regina didn't even have the energy to berate him for his tone. "Exactly."
She'd seen them. Curiosity had gotten the best of her, and she had asked Sidney to show her Robin. The hour was late enough that she surmised they'd likely be sleeping, and indeed, they were inside their bedrolls. Robin and Marian rested next to one another, though neither slept yet. In words that were likely whispers not to wake their son, the two spoke gently, and she saw the both of them smile at something or another; a memory, perhaps, or plans for the future. It didn't really matter. It was one more smile than she would ever have with him, and before she could torture herself any further, she turned away. Sidney's face came back into view. "My Queen?" He seemed surprised to see her so devastated, and with her back turned to him, she took a moment to compose herself, building her armor back up piece by piece.
"Don't ever show me them again. No matter how much I command... you are not to show me them again. Do you understand?"
He seemed to waver, before finally agreeing, because what else could he do? "Y-yes, Your Majesty."
"Leave me."
Alone with her thoughts, Regina glanced at the fireplace, remembering the time she'd had an indoor picnic with Robin, remembering how he'd smiled at her, remembering how she'd told him about the lion tattoo, and pixie dust, and how it was probably all ridiculous, but he hadn't thought it was. Her soulmate... "Me?" he'd said, as if he was the luckiest man in the world to be chosen to belong to her. And his happiness at being linked to her... his damnably sexy lip bite. She hated him, hated that he'd given her these memories to dwell upon. How could he have wormed his way inside, and then left?
Happy endings were supposed to be a thing of fairytales. She was a fairytale, but not the right kind, apparently. She didn't seem to fit in anywhere. Anger surged through her. Who decided that? Who decided that anyone who loved her would leave her? Who decided, ultimately, that she would always loose, that she was going to be a villain in the first place?
Dark eyes flickered over to the storybook, sitting innocuously on the coffee table, and she stared for just a second, the wheels in her mind spinning. Getting to her feet, she grabbed the book and hefted it up, staring at the pressed title on the cover; Once Upon A Time. There was no author listed beneath. "Mirror?" She flipped the page open, seeing the title again on the first, but again, no author. "Mirror?" Why wouldn't someone list their name to a collection of stories like this? Especially hers, which was no doubt some sort of great Greek tragedy? "Sidney!?"
Finally, the idiot behind the glass heard her words, and woke up. "Yes, Your Majesty? What can I do for you?" Again with that attitude. Her eyes narrowed, but she let it slide. If her mind wasn't going a hundred miles per minute, she would have punished him for that.
"You can help me change fate."
"I can probably tell you if you're wearing too much eye makeup, but change fate? That is beyond my powers of reflection."
Stupid fool. How dare he doubt her? "Your powers and mine together shall do it. This book is why I'm suffering, not Marian." It had taken her an embarrassing amount of time to figure it out. If it wasn't Marian, it'd be something else. It was always something. Even if she did go back and kill Marian before Emma could save her -and after she'd heard Marian's words from the past, that certainly wasn't happening- something else would just happen that would be just as effective at keeping them apart. No more... She was done fighting the symptoms of this. It was time to go to the source. "Every story in it has one thing in common; the villains never get the happy ending. And it's always been right! I thought not being the villain would change things, but this book, these... stories... only see me one way."
Sidney's smug face met her gaze, and she didn't know why he was pushing his luck lately. Did he think she wouldn't kill him? "So what's your plan?" he asked, tone patronizing, and she made no secret of her murderous temper. Seeming to sense that he was treading on thin ice, he cleared his throat and straightened himself. Better.
"Find the writer. We must find out who wrote this cursed tome, and then force them to give me what I deserve." Sidney gave her a dubious look, as if saying 'Be careful what you wish for,' and perhaps he had a point. What she deserved may not be what she wanted. With a frown, she reiterated. "It's time to change the book. It's time for villains to get their happy endings."