Once again Milton has made toast out of the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. What happened after 'Sitting' and right before 'Nellis'? Well what else would the other agents do when Archer is away?
A Toast To The Working Spy
"Wonderful!" Mallory Archer grumbled as she poured herself a glass of scotch. Sitting in front of her was Lana and Cyril with Ray on the side of the room. "Once again Sterling has run off to have a little coital conniption fit! I knew he'd fold under pressure when asked to do any real parenting!"
"Taking off two times in one year," Lana grumbled. "That's a record even for Archer!"
"You had the man shot twice for real in a fake baby-hostage scam to test his parenting abilities and you wonder why the man ran from you?" Ray asked Lana.
"Oh please! Sterling gets shot all the time!" Mallory waved. "He should be used to it by now! And they were only minor flesh wounds. It's not like Farooq hit an artery!"
"And once again Archer runs off to avoid any responsibility while the rest of us are stuck here doing real work!" Lana snapped as she folded her arms.
"What work?" Ray asked. "We haven't had a mission since the avalanche assassination incident months ago!"
"I know," Cyril nodded. "I would have thought there would be a lot more action since we got back. Not that I'm complaining. At least I'm caught up on all my paperwork."
"I'm not lying. It has been a little slow around here," Mallory sighed. "I was so sure we'd get more missions by now! And we can't do any freelancing!"
"Which means the bomb threats are no longer a viable option," Ray remarked.
"If that wasn't true you'd be subjected to a scathing homophobic remark right now," Mallory gave him a look. "Unfortunately you have a point. I'm going to have to be more creative coming up with ideas."
"Translation, you want us to come up with them," Cyril groaned.
"I've pretty much given up on that hope considering the lot of you have the collective IQ of a sponge!" Mallory snapped.
"So why did you call us into your office other than to yell at us?" Lana asked angrily.
"I…Wait a minute," Mallory frowned. "I know I had something for this."
"You want us to go collect Archer and bring him home," Ray sighed.
"No, it's not that," Mallory said. "Honestly I couldn't care less right now. He can get himself home. It was something else. I know it."
"You had a mission for us?" Lana asked. "And even as I asked the question…"
"I know it was something," Mallory frowned as she took a drink.
"It is just to yell at us because you're bored isn't it?" Ray groaned.
"No Miss Snippy Pants it wasn't!" Mallory snapped. "That's just a bonus! Oh forget it. It couldn't have been that important!"
"So what do you want us to do?" Lana asked.
"I don't know!" Mallory was frustrated. "Most of you are spies! Spy on something! Anything! Just get out of my hair for an afternoon and do something productive!"
The two agents and accountant/part time agent left the room grumbling. "Geeze is it me or is Ms. Archer grouchier than usual?" Cyril asked as the three of them went out of the office.
"It's not you," Lana admitted. "I think all this inactivity is getting to her. Now what do we do?"
"I'm gonna go spy on what goes on in the bar down the street," Ray said. "Anybody want to join me?"
"Yeah that sounds like a plan," Cyril agreed. "You coming Lana?"
"I don't drink! I'm breastfeeding," Lana gave them a look.
"I was just asking if you wanted to come. Not to drink," Cyril rolled his eyes. "Geezy Pete you're getting as grouchy as Ms. Archer."
"Oh. Sorry. I'd better not," Lana sighed. "I probably need to catch up on my paperwork."
"What paperwork?" Ray asked. "Lana we haven't had anything to do for weeks. There's been no intelligence reports to study or write. Other than me working on paperwork for my pilot's license and you brushing up on whatever you've been studying lately we pretty much have nothing else to do!"
"Plus with Archer out of the office we don't have any complaints or accident forms to fill out," Pam walked over with Krieger. "Again since ninety percent of my job is to deal with sexual harassment complaints against Archer…"
"And I could really get out of the lab for a little bit," Krieger admitted.
"So since Ms. Archer wants us to get out why not?" Ray asked.
"She did say to spy on people. She wasn't specific about whom," Cyril agreed.
"Hell yeah!" Pam said. "Let's go observe the effects of alcohol on people and get wasted!"
"Ugh," Lana groaned as the others left. "Maybe I should do some paperwork? Like maybe work on my resume?"
Soon the gang was at the bar. "One good thing about not having that much to do is that we've been able to catch up on our drinking," Pam smirked as they sat at a round table with beers.
"Where's Cheryl?" Ray asked. "Maybe we should have asked her to come?"
"Nah, she said she had some kind of major project she wanted to do today," Pam waved.
"What major project? Filing her nails?" Ray snickered. "All she has to do is forward Ms. Archer's calls. And her phone hasn't exactly been ringing off the hook these days. And not just at the office if you know what I mean?"
"I don't know what you mean," Cyril blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Is this about Ron?" Pam asked. "You think their marriage is still on the rocks?"
"Among other things," Ray said. "Don't you all remember how Mall-ificent used to cut out of the office early at least once a week to go to some club function or luncheon with her hoity toity friends?"
"Now that you mention it, yeah…" Pam realized. "She hasn't been leaving the office early at all since we got back."
"I always thought it was just because she wanted to focus on work," Cyril said seriously.
To this everyone else at the table laughed. "Good one!" Pam laughed.
"Oh we needed that!" Krieger laughed.
"We did! We really did!" Ray snickered.
"Okay now that I've said it aloud yeah that is funny," Cyril chuckled. "But seriously Ray what are you saying?"
"Now I'm not one to gossip," Ray said conspiratorially. "But between y'all and me, I think Mallory hasn't had as many friends as she used to have if you know what I mean. From what I've heard after that yearlong 'vacation' some of her former society associates have cut her dead."
"What? Do they know about the…you know?" Cyril whispered. "Cocaine?"
"I don't think they know about that but I know some of them aren't buying the fact that Mallory was just on vacation for a year," Ray said. "I heard that one of her friends' friends happened to be in the neighborhood the day we all got raided. And someone saw her get arrested with the rest of us. And rumors have been flying around about some other stuff…"
"What? Come on Ray dish the dirt!" Pam asked eagerly. "Is this about her hitting on one of her friend's husbands during the whole open marriage phase? That Chutley guy?"
"You know about that already?" Ray pouted.
"Are you kidding? Cheryl and I overheard one of their little phone sex chats," Pam snickered. "It was pretty hot and heavy until his wife revealed she was listening in on them too!"
"Was this the phone call about the whipped cream and the cherries?" Krieger asked. "And the wife threatening to bar Mallory from the poolside restaurant at some country club?"
"Yeah how did you know?" Pam was stunned.
"I pretty much have the office wiretapped," Krieger waved. "I still have the whole thing recorded. I'm making a mix tape of scandalous calls. Kind of a hobby of mine."
"Geezy Pete! Am I the only one in this office who doesn't eavesdrop on other people's conversations?" Cyril asked.
"Oh look who's suddenly Mr. Privacy!" Pam scoffed. "You're not fooling anybody Cyril!"
"Who do you think you are? Samuel Ervin Jr.? We've all seen you lurking around whenever Lana and Archer have a fight," Krieger added.
"Like a vulture waiting for his next meal," Ray nodded.
"More like his next lay," Pam scoffed.
"I am merely concerned about my co-workers that's all," Cyril said indignantly.
"Yeah right!" Pam snorted.
"Pull the other one!" Krieger added.
"You're planning on finding a way to screw Lana again aren't you?" Ray gave Cyril a look.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Cyril said innocently. "Okay yeah. Hey with Archer constantly running off I have a clear shot!"
"No, you don't," Pam snorted. "Well maybe for pity sex…"
"You know…?" Cyril glared at Pam.
"Ironically that's another reason Mallory is persona non grata among some of elite," Ray added. "News that Mallory is once again a grandmother with a grandchild born on the other side of the blanket has circulated like wildfire. And you know how some of those types of people are."
"Oh yeah," Pam snorted. She then adopted the tone of a rich person. "Have you heard what Mallory's son has done again? How scandalous!"
"Quite!" Cyril got into the act with his fake rich person persona. "The way Sterling runs amok I'm amazed there aren't more!"
"Wait are we doing a thing?" Krieger blinked. "Because Archer didn't…?"
"We know that Krieger," Pam said in her normal voice. "But those rich bitches don't."
"If they did they'd really have something to talk about," Ray chuckled as he took a drink.
"God wouldn't that be the life?" Pam sighed. "Just sitting around doing nothing and gossiping all day?"
"Isn't that basically what you do now?" Cyril remarked.
"Oh ha ha," Pam waved. "I keep busy."
"So what exactly have you been doing every day?" Ray asked Pam.
"Mostly working on my blog," Pam admitted. "I've also actually read a few good books. Might as well get paid for catching up on my reading!"
"Really? What books?" Krieger asked.
"All about Area 51 and alien sightings," Pam said.
"There's a new definition for the term 'good books'," Cyril rolled his eyes.
"Really? I've always found that topic fascinating myself!" Krieger's eyes lit up. "I've always wanted to go there!"
"Me too!" Pam nodded eagerly.
"That's a pretty unlikely scenario," Cyril scoffed.
"I've also been doing some research into my next vacation," Pam went on. "I'm thinking of going to Branson!"
"Branson, Missouri? I've heard great things about that city," Cyril said. "It's like an Archer-free version of Vegas."
"I would like to go there," Krieger nodded.
"You may get your chance if Ms. Archer finds out that you're not doing any work on her dollar," Ray snorted as he took a drink.
"Come on Ray. Can you honestly sit there and tell me you haven't been goofing off like the rest of us?" Pam scoffed before she took a drink herself.
"Okay I admit I might have read a book or two," Ray waved. "And the occasional crossword puzzle. But I've also been working on a few other minor projects. And I'm thinking of learning another language."
"You should totally do that," Pam nodded. "Which one?"
"Spanish or Portuguese since we spend a lot of time in South America and Europe," Ray admitted.
"We spend too much time getting shot at in South America and Europe," Cyril groaned.
"Well what do you do all day?" Ray asked Cyril. "I know for a fact you don't work on reports and accounting."
"I've been reading books too," Cyril admitted.
"And watching porn," Pam snickered.
"Damn it Pam!" Cyril snapped.
"Oh like you're the only one here who does that on company time?" Pam snickered. "I know I do."
"Guilty," Ray shrugged.
"Eh, yeah…" Krieger nodded.
"I've also been working on my resume," Cyril added. "You know? Just in case…Because let's face it, the future of our agency as it is right now isn't exactly the brightest."
"That's another reason I'm getting my pilot's license," Ray admitted. "So I'll have more options in case things go south."
"Which knowing our luck they most likely will," Cyril groaned. "I mean how do you spin spending a year as a coke dealer and smuggler?"
"You could always say you're good at multitasking," Pam pointed out.
Back at the office…
"Multitasking. Yeah I can definitely do that," Lana sighed as she sat at her computer. She typed something on it.
"Do what?" Cheryl poked her head into Lana's office.
"What are you doing here? You didn't go to the bar with Pam and the others?" Lana asked.
"Nah. I had some stuff to do here. Plus when nobody's here I can take a nap," Cheryl yawned. "What are you doing? That can't be actual work."
"I'm working on my resume," Lana sighed. "No matter how much I try there's no real way to put a positive spin on coke dealer."
"You don't have to say what kind of coke you were selling," Cheryl pointed out. "You could imply you were selling soda."
"Okay so I go from working as a secret agent to selling soda how…?" Lana asked.
"You could always say you were working undercover at the Coca Cola plant to find out the secret formula," Cheryl shrugged. "Or running your own business of vending machines when the agency was shut down."
"That's…actually not bad," Lana blinked. "I bet I would have made more money running vending machines too."
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"That's Mallory!" Lana realized. "It's coming from the break room!"
"MILTON! YOU STUPID OVERGROWN TOASTER!" Mallory was heard yelling as Lana and Cheryl went to investigate. "WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU…"
"He he he!" Cheryl was giggling wildly.
"Why do I have the feeling whatever it is, you're responsible for it?" Lana groaned.
"Now we are really going to get ants!" Mallory shouted. There was toast everywhere. On the floor. On the counter. Coming out of cabinets. In Mallory's hair…
"What the…?" Lana looked in the break room. "What happened?"
"THIS!" Mallory opened up a cabinet door and toast poured out of it.
"There's toast everywhere!" Lana looked around.
"By the way now I remember what I wanted you to do," Mallory growled as more toast piled out of the cabinet. "I wanted you to clean up this break room before we…Nope. Too late! We now officially have ants!"
"Those aren't ants…" Lana winced.
"Please tell me those are at least normal cockroaches," Mallory groaned as more toast seemed to come out of the cabinet. "And not one of Krieger's stupid experiments!"
"Since normal cockroaches don't glow…" Lana groaned.
Cheryl laughed. "You look like a bread basket!"
"You…" Mallory hissed at Cheryl. Some toast hit Mallory on the head.
"You have more crumbs on you than a bake shop!" Cheryl laughed some more.
"CHERYL!" Mallory yelled. Cheryl ran away laughing. "COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE…" She ran after Cheryl.
"I really need to finish updating my resume," Lana sighed.