Another Pinocchio Story - Stargate Version
By Ebbtide Cheque
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
---
Well, you know those time you feel like there's a sign
There on your back that says
I don't mind if you kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think that things can't get any worse and then they do.
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows your there.
(Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through Hell)
---
General Jack O'Neill looked down at himself as if to check and make sure that all of his body parts were still intact. He ran both hands over his body just to be sure. When he was finally satisfied that he was well and truly whole, he turned a dangerous glare on Dr. Felger.
"You." His voice held no forgiveness. "You just shot me!"
Dr. Jay Felger held his hands out, waving them in an attempt to placate the angry man. One hand clutched a small handgun tightly.
"I sort of did - but you don't understand." He rushed.
Jack glared through slitted brown eyes. "Then explain it to me, doctor." He growled. "Because I'd really like to know why you SHOT ME!"
Felger hid the handgun behind his back afraid that the man might take away his newest invention before he could even explain. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before being able to say.
"I don't have a name for it yet, but this gun." He waved it at the ceiling. "Is the biggest advantage the SGC will have ever produced. I have figured out a way to adapt the armbands that the Tok'ra gave us to research - I figured out how they worked and how to get past the virus dependency. I have made it into a weapon form." He tapped the muzzle of the gun as he kept talking. "One shot from this weapon and any member of the Stargate program will have super-powers! Pretty cool, huh?" He asked hopefully.
O'Neill looked down at himself again and then turned angry eyes back on the man standing across from him in his office.
"No, Folger, it is not 'cool'! I don't want to transform into a security risk - incase you haven't noticed, I am in charge around here! Not only that, but last time the armbands left me unable to make decisions among OTHER things."
Felger smiled nervously. "I worked a way around the intoxicating effect. Your mental capabilities shouldn't be altered in any way."
"Shouldn't?"
"Wo-Won't." Dr. Felger corrected in a fearful stutter. "I'm sorry, general, but I thought that you would want to be the first one to try this out. It isn't going to have any negative affects on you, I'm sure of it."
"Well, you thought wrong." O'Neill said through tightly clenched teeth. "Security!"
Felger cowered away from the large airmen who entered the room. "This is not necessary, General - Jack." He pleaded.
"I think it is."
---
Dr. Brightman finished her last exam and left the infirmary room to retrieve the last of her results. Samantha Carter, Daniel Jackson and Teal'c all stood at the end of Jack's bed. The man himself was propped up, his arms folded over his chest and a petulant pout on his face.
"The only reason that nitwit wasn't fired years ago was because of your recommendation." He was saying to Colonel Carter. "Now I've been shot and infected with an alien technology - again! This is getting very old, Carter."
Sam grimaced. "I'm sorry, sir. I knew that he didn't have the best track record, but I never thought that he would do something like this."
Daniel leaned over the foot of the bed and looked Jack in the eyes. "On the bright side, it doesn't look like the weapon actually worked. Dr. Brightman says that you aren't showing any signs of physical change." He bowed his head. "That doesn't mean you won't change later, though. It did take a while for the armbands to be effective before."
Sam broke in. "Yeah, but that was because of the virus. It took a different amount of time to interact with each of our unique immune systems. I went over all of Dr. Felger's work and he wasn't lying when he said that he had completely eliminated the virus."
Jack raised his eyebrows. "You mean I wasn't infected?" He asked hopefully.
Sam nodded. "It appears that way."
The General sat up and smiled. "Sweet." He began to get off of the bed, but Teal'c moved to stand in his way.
"Perhaps it would be prudent to remain here until Dr. Brightman has ruled out all possible side-effects." He said. There was no room for argument.
O'Neill lay back down. "Alright, T. You're probably right." Besides, it wasn't like he had a choice with the large Jaffa blocking his escape route.
"I'm sure that you'll be fine." Daniel said encouragingly. He thought for a moment then added. "Well, pretty sure anyway."
---
Jack O'Neill had been in the infirmary for three hours when the doctor finally gave him the green light. He wasted no time in getting back to his office. There were papers to ignore and decisions to make regarding the safety of his planet.
It was not until he had settled into the comfortable chair behind his desk that Jack remembered the meeting with a group of the SGC Herbologists set for a half-an-hour later. He almost regretted leaving the infirmary - almost.
---
Samantha Carter knocked on the door to General O'Neill's office and waited for a response before entering.
O'Neill looked at her questioningly from over a report file he was pretending to read.
"Sir, I wanted to make sure that you were really doing okay." She said.
He waved her to a seat. "I'm fine, Carter. No thanks to Folger."
"Felger." She corrected.
"Whatever."
"Are you sure, sir? Daniel was right, it could take some time for you to start to notice a difference."
Jack frowned. "I'm FINE. I haven't started punching through walls or anything."
"Okay." She stood, unsure of what else to say. There were a few seconds of awkward silence as they looked at each other. After a minute she said quietly. "Then I'll just get back to my simulations."
"You do that."
She walked out of the room with a backward glance. The General appeared to be himself. She only hoped that it staid that way. Her jaw clenched as she approached the elevator. Dr. Felger had some explaining to do and she was just the woman to get any additional information out of the lab rat. She headed down to the confinement rooms where he was being held per O'Neill's orders.
---
At first, Jack thought that he had bumped his nose somehow without noticing, and then when it increased he figured that it had to be an allergic reaction to annoying herbologists. He was wrong about both and once again found himself lying in a hospital bed under Dr. Brightman's penetrating gaze.
"It's grown by half an inch, at least." The doctor reported, she handed him a mirror so that he could see for himself.
"Wow." He really couldn't think of anything else to say. His nose - his beautiful nose - had grown to a grotesque length. "Eew."
"I'm sorry, sir, I came as soon as I could." Sam cried breathlessly as she rushed through the infirmary door. Felger was being towed behind her in a death grip.
O'Neill tried to jump out of bed and strangle the man, but a tangle of tubes and wires held him back on the bed.
"YOU!" The General shouted. "Get over here." He pointed to a spot on the floor directly in front of him.
Dr. Felger cowered behind Sam even after she let go of him. "I already said that I was sorry, General O'Neill. I can't fix it." His lips trembled as he waited for the heated response.
Jack studied the man for a second. "You don't know what is happening?" He turned his brown eyes to Carter.
Sam shook her head. "We can only guess that this is the byproduct of having tampered with the armband technology. Sir, the armband powers were time controlled, we just need to hope that this is too."
Jack pointed an accusing finger at Felger, who protected his face with his arms as if a real weapon was being pointed at him.
"Folger erased any chance of that! He got rid of the damn virus!"
Sam nodded. "I've been thinking about that, sir. After having gone over the research again that Felger." She stressed his name. "Has been doing on the armbands, I think that your body will still fight off the introduction of the technology even without a virus. The human body is designed to fight off any kind of invader. The results will just be less predictable, but I think that we can safely assume that you will be back to normal once it wears off."
"Whenever that will be." Dr. Felger spoke up.
Jack glared at him. "You're fired."
"Wh-What?" Felger asked in a hurt and confused voice. His eyes grew round and he looked like he might faint. "You're kicking me out of the Stargate program?"
"Sir, is that necessary?" Sam asked. "Dr. Felger really is a brilliant man and the Stargate program needs all of the top minds that it can get." She argued.
Jack rubbed his hands over his eyes. "Do'h." He looked up at them. "This man, Carter, has tried to kill me on no less than three occasions. He even SHOT ME."
Felger ventured a look around Colonel Carter's shoulder. "I knew that it wouldn't hurt you, General."
O'Neill motioned to his nose. "You call this okay?" He asked in a raised voice.
Dr. Brightman had been watching the goings-on quietly from the side, but now she spoke up to stall any more arguments.
"My tests indicate that the General's body is acting as if it is fighting off an infection. I don't think that there is anything that can be done except to wait."
"See, sir." Carter said victoriously. "All you have to do is wait it out. Then you'll be back to your old self."
"All I have to do." Jack mimicked in a girly voice. Carter looked affronted. "Alright, then there's no reason for me to stay stuck down here."
---
Jack sat in his on-base room playing a Nintendo game. He was loosing. There was a knock on the door and he gladly welcomed the interruption setting down the frustrating game.
"Come in."
The door swung open and Daniel walked in. The archaeologist looked around the room.
"Heard about what happened in the infirmary. Did you really fire Dr. Felger?" The man asked.
Jack pointed to his nose. "You think I went too far?" He demanded. "Because I suppose I could always send him to Pegasus." He brightened at this thought. "You might be onto something there, Daniel."
"I just meant that he can be more help in the program. We need all of the top minds that we can get."
"That's what Carter said."
"Did you ever stop to think that maybe she was right." Daniel asked, looking over his glasses.
Jack thought about that for a second. "She usually is, huh?"
"Yeah."
There were a few moments of silence and Daniel took a seat in one of the other chairs.
"So, has it gotten any worse?" He nodded towards Jack's nose.
O'Neill shook his head.
"See, some good came out of this." The archaeologist said cheerfully. "At least we know now that Felger's gun doesn't work."
Jack grimaced. "Ha, ha. Funny one, Daniel."
Daniel jerked backwards in his chair his face an expression of shock and surprise. He opened and closed his mouth a few times.
"Your-Your-Jack, your nose just grew longer!" He stammered.
Jack felt his nose and it was longer than it had been. He got up and walked quickly over to the wall mirror. His nose had indeed grown.
"Forget about firing that SOB, I'm going to KILL HIM." Jack said angrily.
Daniel stood and walked up behind him. A small smile played across his lips. "You lied, didn't you? About my joke."
"I was being facetious."
"Well, I think I know what is happening to you, Jack." Daniel couldn't help but chuckle. "Your a modern day Pinocchio."
O'Neill turned on him. "Watch it with the name-calling, geek. Just for the record, this is not funny."
Daniel shook his head, still smiling. "Whatever you say, Jack."
---
Samantha Carter stared at Daniel in disbelief. He had just come from the infirmary again.
"You're kidding me." The woman said.
He shook his head. "Nope. Jack can't tell a lie or else his nose grows longer. What does that remind you of?"
"Pinocchio."
"Yep. That's just what I thought. Thankfully, it isn't permanent...although."
They both pictured the General unable to tell even the most remote lie as he hosted the next Pentagon meeting. They shared a look and then burst into giggles.
"I gotta to admit, after that Prince Charming fiasco I don't feel very sorry for the General." Sam said still laughing. "Those heels alone were torture!"
Daniel gave her an odd look, his head leaning to one side. "You know, it is kind of strange that you both experienced a very Fairy Tale like situation in such a short amount of time. I mean, finding a planet with a leader called Prince Charming is weird, but having Jack's nose grow when he tells a lie...It is just strange, that's all." Daniel shrugged.
"You might be onto something, Daniel." Sam said thoughtfully tapping her chin with an index finger. "What if we are being manipulated by a higher power that is directing our fate."
She looked into Daniel's eyes with a serious frown. Daniel looked horrified.
"You don't think...I mean, it's just a coincidence isn't it?" He asked, his striking blue eyes going wide. "I really don't want to even think about what could happen to me if this continues."
"I don't know, but you are right that these things just don't normally happen."
"When have our lives ever been normal?"
"Good point."
They went silent thinking about the possibility that someone was watching them that very moment trying to decide how best to mess with their futures. (Mwahahah!!Author grins evilly)
---
TWO WEEKS LATER...
General O'Neill poked at the edge of his nose, just to be sure that it was really small again. Two weeks of the occasional lie or humorous exaggeration had left him with the feeling that his nose was really extended a few feet out, even though the devices affect had finally subsided. He poked at it again.
"General, I assure you that your nose is back to normal. There is no more sign of an infectious agent being fought off by your immune system. From all the tests that I have been able to run, I have determined that you are healthy and fit for active duty once more." Dr. Brightman announced with a smile.
"I was never not fit." O'Neill shot back. He pushed up the end of his nose in the doctor's direction. She rolled her eyes.
"You may go, General, sir."
With that she picked up his case folder and walked out of the room, her shoes clicking on the hall floor. He waited until she was out of sight before exploring every inch of his - once again beautiful - nose. Nothing was out of place.
"Nice." He announced to the empty room. "Very nice."
---
Dr. Felger studied his entwined fingers with an air of one who has given up all hope. A single tear lost its fight with gravity and left a track down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away and breathed deeply to alleviate the tightness in his throat.
His days with the Stargate crew were over. He thought that this was not entirely unexpected. He had always felt like the luckiest man in the world for getting a job as a civilian at the SGC. Not many people on the planet knew about the Stargate and even fewer had traveled through it. He smiled a little as he remembered his first time off world. It had been the most magical experience of his entire life and ever since then he had held every member of SG-1 in the highest light. All he had wanted to do with the Super-Power Gun was impress his hero. Now he had caused the General personal embarrassment and he had rid the base of its leader for over a week.
News had reached him that morning that O'Neill's nose had returned to normal. Any minute he expected a furious General to burst into the holding room he was still confined in.
He groaned and buried his head in his hands. "I am a dead man."
There was a sound of voices nearby and he looked up just as the door opened to admit one General Jack O'Neill. Dr. Felger jumped to his feet from the chair he had been sitting on. He saluted, wanting to show respect to the man - and hopefully stall any impending pain.
"Sir, General, sir." He greeted the man with a tremulous voice. He lowered his arm. "It is good to see you are doing better, sir. And I really don't blame you for firing me...I deserve it." He swallowed.
Jack gave him a look that the scientist could not decipher then the General walked right up into Felger's space and poked the man in the middle of his chest.
"You - are - not - fired." O'Neill punctuated each word with a poke. "But - I - want - you - gone."
Dr. Felger's brow furrowed. "What? You mean I get to stay with the Stargate program? I thought you said that I was fired."
The silver haired General rolled his eyes. "I changed my mind, Folger. You." He grabbed the man by the shoulders and pushed him towards the room's door. "Are being transferred to the Alpha Site."
Jay's mouth fell open in complete shock and he lost his footing, bringing Jack down with him as he sprawled on the cement floor.
"Oww." O'Neill's voice sounded too nasal.
Dr. Felger scrambled to his feet and tried to help Jack stand, but all he did was get in the way. A few second of chaos followed before Jack stood - one hand covering his now broken nose - his eyes glaring holes into Felger.
The scientist backed away. "I'll just go get you a doctor." He turned and fumbled his way out of the room and to a nearby wall phone.
---
"I am glad that it wasn't something more serious, sir." Sam said.
Jack grunted from where he lay on a bed, his nose covered with a thin white brace. The woman waited another second before she could not resist any longer. She said a quick goodbye and hurried out of the room, a large smile stretched across her face.
---
Sam went down to her lab, shut the doors and disconnected the security system before bursting into gay laughter at the General's expense.
"Serves him right doesn't it?" She asked the empty room.
She reached down and opened a low drawer of her desk and took out the white dress and single remaining glass slipper that Jack had bought her for the mission to Prince Charming's planet. She remembered her earlier conversation with Daniel and on a whim looked up at the ceiling and winked.
"Thanks, whoever you are, revenge IS as sweet as they say..." She frowned at a sudden thought. "Although you could have left me out of this whole Fairy Tale thing in the first place."
Sam imagined how absurd she had to look talking to no one about something so silly. She chuckled.
"You are loosing it." She muttered. "It was all just a coincidence."
In the back of her mind a lingering doubt hid. The future would tell if these Fairy Tale parallels were really accidental or something else entirely.
THE END
(Sequel??? Maybe a Teal'c Fairy Tale story??! To keep the arc going:) Give me comments).