Mwahahahahahaha! I know I promised I wouldn't do another multichaptered fic until I finished the ones I already had, but I couldn't help it. This year for Christmas, I got a Happy Bunny book, and it was key to breaking up and love, so I read it and then it hit me: Why not write a crack-esque fic with KyouKao about a break up. Each chapter deals with a different stage of the oddness of this couple, and it's a little OOC, but it still works! I had lots of fun doing this! ^^ Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own nor profit from OHSHC or Happy Bunny. All italics at the beginning of each segment are the actually writings from the Happy Bunny book, but I've made them into my own context. Dun due me.

Guide to an Unsuccessful Relationship

Chapter One: The Crush

Getting people to focus on what's most important: YOU!

Let your new crush know that you're sincere and genuine.

The gift tag was a dead give away. It was perched ever so precariously on top of the green and gold wrapped box that it called to him like a beacon in the stormy weather, only that it was partially sunny outside and there were no flashing lights around his head. At least, none that anyone could see.

Casually, and acting as if his fellow classmates were not talking about the gift, Ootori Kyouya walking purposefully towards his desk and sat down, placing his bag off to the side of the table and swiftly placing the package underneath his footing as well.

However, before he had indefinitely obscured the present from view, he spied the address card. In curly, loopy font were the words: "I sincerely want you ti genuienly worship me."

'Oh, he is so dead!'

--

Show that cutey-patootey your smart and sensitive side.

"Ne, Kyouya," came a voice from behind him. He sighed, rubbing his eyes for a split second before turning his attention from his work and facing one of the Hitachiin twins with his blank stare.

"Yes?"

Kaoru smiled. "I was just wondering if you got anything today in class? Like a present or something."

Kyouya cocked one eyebrow and transformed his death-glare into one of loathing. "So it was you?"

The red head beamed. "Yeah! Wasn't it clever?"

Clever wasn't the operative word that the older of the two hosts was planning to use. No, clever didn't really come to mind when discussing a large purple and pink jewelry box that emitted the most horrible sound, even if unopened. No, it was downright annoying, not to mention embarrassing. Clever would be a good word to describe how he was going to hide Kaoru's body after the bloody murder, and how he was going to evade Hikaru's wrath.

"No," the brunette deadpanned, adjusting his glasses and allowing the light from the overhead lamps to flash dangerously off his lenses. "Clever is not what I think of when I remember you…gift…"

"Oh, well then, here you go," and Kaoru shoved a small piece of folded paper into his upperclassmen's hands. Before Kyouya could question his fellow club member's sanity, the red headed boy had danced away, calling back over his shoulder, "I made it up myself. It's clever, if you didn't consider my first gift to be so."

Kyouya glared after him, darting down at the paper as if it would explode. There was no ticking or anything, but that didn't make the Ootori feel any safer. Gently he opened the scrap, only to be faced with the same loopy handwriting that had been on the gift card.

It read;

Roses are red and your boxers are green

I fancy you greatly so let's get obscene

Followed by two little hearts and a swirly K+K

Kyouya sighed. Godamnit…

--

And most important of all, tell that lil' hottie you think they're the best.

And so it happened. With a swift conversation, the two were officially the insane couple. Hikaru fell off the sofa and Tamaki broke a tea cup. Hunny clapped, Mori stood still and Haruhi gave her usually 'I-saw-that-coming' face. And if the other hosts thought that was crazy, they should have heard the terms.

"So, Kaoru, you say that if I concede to be your boyfriend, you'll stop with these stupid gifts?" Kyouya asked skeptically, holding the fluffy holiday lingerie and handcuffs that the other boy had given him a good arm's length away from his face and sneering at it.

"That's right!" The red head bobbed up and down enthusiastically and excitedly. "And if you want, we can even put those gifts to good use. I wasn't kidding in that poem and those handcuffs are fluffy so they don't chafe as much as the other kind would."

Kyouya was tempted to ask how the Hitachiin knew this, but figured it would be better if he didn't. Who knew what kind of answer he would get?!?!

"Fine, but may I ask why your so eager to date me and what exactly I get out of it?"

"To answer your questions in reverse, I'd say…: Sex and I think you're aboutt he best I can do for now…"

"Great."

"I know right?"

Whoot, first installment. The others get crazier, but they still follow the same storyline. I'll have you all know I came up with Kaoru's poem by myself...However, don't ask how he knows Kyouya's boxers are green, okay? XD Please tell me if this crazy story is worth continuingXP