TEXT
To: Kurt Hummel
From: Rachel Berry
KURT! Hurry to your house quick! Our NYADA letters came and I got in! I want to hear if you got in too! If you haven't responded in twenty minutes, I will make Finn open your letter and tell me!
Kurt sighed, turning his phone off and setting it on his bed. He was home, he'd been home for about ten minutes already. His NYADA letter sat on his nightstand, unopened. A letter from Ohio State sat underneath it. Kurt was intending to go to NYADA, but after not getting the lead in West Side Story, he'd decided to use Ohio State as a safety school.
He sighed and grabbed his letter, sliding his finger under the seal. This was his future, and in less than thirty seconds, he was going to know how his future would play out. He pulled the paper from the envelope, opening it slowly.
Dear Mr. Kurt Hummel,
We are sorry to inform you that you have not been accepted…
Kurt didn't need to read any more. He knew that NYADA and New York had been a long shot, but it still stung to know that Rachel would be going to New York and he would not. All of their perfectly constructed plans about getting an apartment together on the lower east side and being on Broadway together all had been decimated in just twelve words.
Panicking slightly, Kurt dropped the letter and picked up the one to Ohio State. It was the same size as his NYADA letter- did that also mean it was a rejection letter? He ripped the letter out and unfolded it.
Dear Mr. Kurt Hummel,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been wait-listed to attend Ohio State. At this point we cannot confirm an acceptance, but there is still a lot of time for other candidates to decide to attend elsewhere, which will open up spots for those on the wait- list. No action is required on your part, we'll be sure to let you know if your admissions status has changed…
Kurt dropped the Ohio State letter next to his NYADA letter. He hadn't even been good enough to get to Ohio State. Being wait-listed meant nothing. They were just too polite to reject him outright, and so filled him with false hope that he might be accepted later on down the line. It was common knowledge that people who were wait-listed to Ohio State hardly ever got in.
He hadn't been good enough. He wasn't going to make it to New York, and at this rate, he wasn't even going to be able to go to college period.
He hadn't been good enough. Boy, had he been feeling a lot of that lately. Not manly enough to play Tony, not popular enough to become class president, and- according to Sebastian- not good enough for Blaine.
Blaine. That was who he needed now.
By this point, it was almost 3:30, which meant that Blaine would be on his way to the Lima Bean for his 'Post- Rehearsal Medium Drip', as he'd once called it.
He walked downstairs, picking up the keys to his Navigator numbly when he saw a note from his dad next to them.
Hey Kurt,
Johnny from the shop managed to score two last minute tickets to tonight's Buckeyes game, so Finn and I won't be back until late. Carole has a meeting with her book club after work so she'll be home late as well, so you're on your own for dinner. Just because you have the house to yourself doesn't mean I want any funny business either.
Love, Dad
Kurt left his Dad's note on the counter, turning towards the door with his keys in hand. Just another reminder of something he wasn't enough for- not enough like Finn where his dad could enjoy doing things together with him like going to football games.
He climbed into his car and drove to The Lima Bean, right now just needing nothing more than Blaine, a blanket, and Moulin Rouge for the rest of the night.
He pulled into the parking lot and he could see Blaine sitting at a table in the window of the small coffee shop. Kurt moved to open the door and go join him when he saw Sebastian sit down across from Blaine and immediately engage him in conversation.
Blaine laughed at something Sebastian said, and something inside Kurt broke. He sat back in his seat and watched their conversation.
Sebastian was right. Blaine was too good for him. Blaine didn't need someone who was never going to succeed, who was always going to hold him back. If Blaine was with Sebastian, he wouldn't have to be as afraid all the time, as Sebastian didn't look as obviously gay as Kurt did and was less likely to draw attention to the two of them. Sebastian was talented, he had what it took to make it. Blaine would be a star, Kurt knew, and he needed someone who could be in the spotlight next to him, not holding him down. It wouldn't take Blaine too long to forget about Kurt. Sebastian would have no problem stepping in and taking Blaine's attention right for himself. Blaine- he didn't need Kurt.
When Kurt thought about it- nobody really needed him. No one would really loose much if he was gone. His dad had Finn- he had Finn to relate to and do boy things with and if Kurt wasn't around then he wouldn't have to do all the things that Kurt liked to do that his dad only did because Kurt enjoyed them. His dad had Carole now to take care of him, to make sure he ate the right things for his heart. His dad didn't need him to take care of him anymore.
The glee club didn't need him. Rory could sing everything he could. Mercedes hardly talked to him anymore with Sam around. Santana had Brittney, Rory had Sam and Finn, Blaine had Rachel and Finn and Sam now to look after him. Finn didn't need him at all- his reputation probably was never helped by the fact that he always had to look after Kurt and make sure that he wasn't being bothered. It would be a lot of stress off of Finn's back if Kurt wasn't around.
Nobody needed Kurt. They'd be sad for a little while, sure, but they'd get over it. New Directions had Regionals to worry about and prepare for and his dad had his new family and Blaine would have Sebastian. He would probably go back to Dalton where he was safer, anyways, without Kurt around to look after.
With a new air of resignation, Kurt drove away from the Lima Bean. Sure, there had been other times he had considered suicide, times when the bullying got to be too much, but this was the first time that he knew that removing himself from the equation would be for the better good.
He drove to the bridge on the outskirts of Lima. Cutting or Pills or Hanging, all those methods would leave a body behind, something for people to deal with that would make getting over him harder. It would be much easier if he just disappeared. The river would carry his body away- it would never be found. There would be less pain for everyone. There would be no letters or goodbyes, no drama. It would be simple and people would get over it quickly and life would go on.
He parked near the entrance to the bridge and got out. The bridge was out of the way- barely used, so there wasn't much of a chance of someone catching him. He walked along the side of the bridge, running his hand on the railing. It could be the last thing he felt, since he didn't believe in any kind of afterlife.
He stopped halfway across the bridge. The river was deep enough and wide enough and would move fast enough. The bridge was high enough. It was just Kurt who wasn't enough: enough to make anything of himself in this world.
He wasn't much of a person to look up to, so maybe it was a good thing that he would never be famous. Nobody would ever look up to him and say "I want to be just like Kurt Hummel!"
Now, nobody would have the chance.
Kurt pulled himself up to stand on the railing. Once he jumped, there would be no turning back. All he had to do was psyche himself up to do it.
He had to jump.
He had to jump.
He had to jump. On the count of three, he would do it. One, two-
"Don't do this, Kurt."
Kurt whipped around. Noah Puckerman was standing a few feet away from him, hands out as if to approach Kurt cautiously. Of all the people to catch Kurt attempting suicide, it had to be Puck.
Kurt turned back around to face the river. "Please go away, Noah. There's nothing you can do."
"Come on Kurt, just come down and explain to me what's so bad that you want to do this. I won't stop you if you still want to do this after you tell me about it, but please, just come down for a few minutes to explain it to me." Puck said calmly.
"I'm sorry, Noah. You can't help me. Please, just go." Finally, at last, there were tears. Kurt hadn't cried the entire time that he was realizing that nobody needed him, but now they were pouring down his face. "Isn't this what you wanted? You spent four and a half years making my life miserable, Noah. I'm just giving you what you wanted. It's like on my first day of high school, when you and Azimio locked me in the dumpster, and then spray painted 'All fags go to hell' on my car. I'm just doing what you wanted."
"No, Kurt, I don't want that anymore. I've changed, Kurt, you know that. We're in glee together now, man. I don't want that, not at all. Please, get down." Puck pleaded.
"Goodbye, Noah."
Kurt jumped at the same time that Puck lunged forwards to try to stop him. Kurt felt strong arms wrap around his waist at the same time he saw the concrete railing rushing up to meet his face.
And then he remembered no more.
A/N: Don't worry, the story doesn't end there! This will probably be a two or three shot with more to come in the next few days!