Are You Hotter Than Oswalt?

Act I

Paul was rushing quickly and forcefully to the Oswalt Inc. building, through bustling, penis throbbing traffic. His jimmy pulsated as he got closer and closer. His goal was to have sex with Patton Oswalt on stage in front of an audience of close to ten thousand people on live television.

Giamatti, you got this, he said over and over and over again in his head, awaiting the exploration of Oswalt's pubic region. You're gonna make it there and you're going to fulfill your dreams!

Now a block away, he realized the time when he looked at his watch. 10:38! He was late! He needed to come faster.

Ultimately, he came as fast as he could, and he arrived at Oswalt Inc. at 10:45… He didn't know if he should even approach the front doors of Oswalt. But, his heart told him he had to…

One…two…three…he went up and up the elevator to the top floor…four…five…sixty-nine… He was finally here. He was going onto the "Are you Hotter Than Oswalt" game show, right now!

He thrusted through the back doors, making a fuss as they swung back behind him. "I'm-I'm here! I came! Please let me come all over the stage!"

A bearded man, the host, was pacing around the room as he rushed in, but payed attention to Paul Giamatti, interrupting the show. "You do not pause the host on his own game show, 'Are You Hotter Than Oswalt' on CBS at 10:30 a.m. on weeknights, okay?!"

"Daniel Radcliffe! I'm sorry I'm interrupting the show! It has been my everlasting dream to be on this show! I love you and I love Patton too much to let this opportunity down! If you don't let me in I will not be able to thrust upon Patton Oswalt's Jigglypuff like I've always needed!"

"I was in gobstopper darn, Harry Potter, alright! I had a chance to be something with Oswalt. But instead I became this farthing host!" Suddenly, Radcliffe turned to his right where the camera was pointing at him. "Oh…please cut to an intermission, while I politely speak to this man…"

As Radcliffe stepped down to Paul, a cameraman said "CUT!" in the background.

"Please, Daniel. I really need this show, alright…"

"Look kid, I loved you in Fred Claus, but this is time for the little guys to shine, alright."

"Please, man…"

"Alright…I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you from our sponsor," Radcliffe opened after the commercial. "If you don't know A-A-R-P, you don't know AARP!"

Paul, sweaty and nervous, sat in his seat, awaiting his first question.

"Okay," started the host. "Your question is…"

Paul was jumping in his seat.

"…what is Patton's favorite color?"

TO BE CONTINUED…