A/N: Hello, I've risen from the dead (dramatic bgm) this is my first Love Live! Sunshine! fanfic and is about my otp; DiaMaru! I know that there's only a little material of this ship in the anime, but nevertheless, I still ship them hard! Why? Blame that one particular Dengeki G's scan about them. Well, I hope everyone who reads this enjoys the story and as usual, I'm sorry for any mistakes, be it grammar or typo.
Disclaimer: I do not own Love Live! Sunshine!
"Hanamaru-chan, I don't understand some problem in today's math class. Can you stop by for today?"
At my best friend's question, I, Kunikida Hanamaru shake my head and without realizing let out a wry smile. "Sorry, Ruby-chan. Maru is kind of busy today. Maybe next time, okay?"
"Again?" My best friend, Kurosawa Ruby frowns. This isn't the first, second, or third times I have rejected her invitation. Ruby-chan realizes that something is off, but she doesn't know exactly what. I never tell her either.
"Is everything okay? You've been busy for these past few weeks. Ruby is here to listen if there's something troubling you." Ruby-chan looks at my eyes deeply, trying to find the truth. She can't suppress her worry nor does her suspicion.
Can't stand Ruby-chan's stare any longer, I break the eye contact between us. I feel that Ruby-chan's gaze could pierce through my secret. A secret I have kept hidden from everyone. Even from my best friend. After calming myself down, I put the mask on my face once again and force a smile.
"Really, Maru is fine. Ruby-chan needn't worry too much zura." I say it with a cheery tone. The best that I can.
Although Ruby-chan isn't convinced, she doesn't want to push me, her best friend any further. She knows that I will talk to her when the time comes. She believes in me. In her best friend. Somehow, I feel really guilty. I feel like I have betrayed her trust since I'm not planning on telling my secret to anyone. Even to Ruby-chan.
"Alright then. But next time, come over for sure, okay?"
I don't answer. I just give Ruby-chan a vague head movement, which isn't a nod or a shake.
"See you tomorrow at school, Hanamaru-chan." Ruby-chan waves her hand high in the air and goes on her own way.
After parting from my best friend, I let out a big sigh. To be honest, I am fed up with this secret of mine. Always wearing a mask in front of my own best friend, it's tiring. When do I start keeping secret like this? When does my secret start to grow this big? I let out another big sigh. I don't know the answer. Why do keep a secret in the first place? Maybe because I don't want anyone to know the truth? Yes, that must be the reason. The truth that I have fallen for someone I should not. I don't want anyone to realize that, including myself. Nevertheless, the more I pretend I don't know the truth, the bigger my secret has become.
"When was the start of it again?"I lift my face upwards. The cloudless, sunset-color sky above me dyes my surroundings in orange and somehow, I find it painful.
"Oh, right. It started way back from Junior High School."I grip my bag's handle tighter. My knuckle is turning white from all the force I put into it. It hurt, but something inside my chest is hurting even more.
For a loner like me, whose only friend is a book, Ruby-chan presence affects my life greatly. It is not until I meet Ruby-chan that I finally understand how wonderful it is to have a friend. I love Ruby-chan. I truly do. She is my best friend and the most important person to me in the whole world. Nothing else matters to me if Ruby-chan is by my side. I enjoy our everyday life. It's delightful and calming. I wish for nothing more than that.
However, fate says otherwise. I met that person in my second year of Junior High, after making friend with Ruby-chan. It was the first time I was brought to Ruby-chan's house. I have heard the story about that person repeatedly from my best friend. Like how beautiful they are, how smart they are, how they seem to have no flaws at all, how they are just amazing in general. Every time I heard a story about them from my best friend, I always thought to myself 'is there even a person like that exists in this world? They sound like they are in a different league from a human. They sound like they are unattainable creature living in the human's realm.'
I just can't imagine a person like that really exist, no matter how hard I try. After fighting an inner battle for a long time, finally, my imagination takes a shape when I meet them in person. The first impression I have for them was, of course, 'perfection'. The moment I meet Ruby-chan's older sister, all my doubt fades away. The other side of me that doesn't want to admit a perfect person like that exists, announced her defeat. Right before my eyes is a goddess descended from heaven.
The first thing that caught my attention is her long, black, shiny hair. When Ruby-chan introduced us to each other, I realize that what had been said by Ruby-chan all this time is indeed true. Kurosawa Dia is the embodiment of perfect and beauty. And Just like a moth attracted to light and crow attracted to shiny things, so do I, Kunikida Hanamaru to Kurosawa Dia. The first time I met Dia-san, I knew that I wanted more. The pleasant everyday life with Ruby-chan isn't enough anymore. Human is greedy. I'm a human and greedy is in my nature.
One winter passes by and that attraction for Dia-san turning into affection. The more I know about Kurosawa Dia, the more I want to be by her side. Another winter passes and that affection once again turning into something else. Longing. I know I'm being selfish, but I just really wish that Dia-san is mine, and mine alone.
After arriving at home, after having dinner, after taking a bath, even after I finish my homework and ready to go to sleep, my memories of that person keep popping up again and again. Once the lid to my memories is opened, they easily flow in my mind. I start to remember many things I want to forget. Like that one time when I accidentally revealed my slightly different speech pattern in front of her for the first time. I expected her to laugh at me, but instead of laughing, what I got was a praise. She said that it was cute and I didn't have to hide my uniqueness in front of her. Or that one time when I visited Ruby-chan's house and Dia-san helped me doing my homework and rewarded me a pat on the head for getting the answer right. Or that one time when she helped me tie my hair with the same hairstyle as her when we all have a training camp in Chika-san's inn.
"I can't...she just keeps appearing in my mind." I roll on my futon and try to erase her image. It's still no use. Even after I read several books earlier, Dia-san's image is still lingering in my consciousness.
Is there something wrong with me? I know that Dia-san is really beautiful and everybody in Aqours agrees on that. After knowing her better and better, I know that Dia-san has flaws as well, but she still looks perfect in my eyes. Isn't that weird? I often considered this feeling of mine as some kind of longing for a big sister since I don't have any. But if that's really the truth, why do I feel a different feeling for Kanan-san and Mari-san? Because I've known Dia-san much longer? That could be the reason...
No.
Let's just stop pretending.
I know the reason, don't I? What I feel for Dia-san, isn't a mere longing for a big sister. What I feel for her have a much bigger and deeper meaning that just sisterly love.
Love.
I love Ruby-chan the most but still, what I feel for Dia-san is something that entirely different.
Yes, love.
I fall in love with Dia-san.
In a romantic way.
How come? I never thought that I was like that, so, how come? When did I begin to see her that way? In every romance novel that I've read, the protagonist who falls in love with each other is always a boy and a girl. For a girl to fall in love with another girl...it's forbidden, right? I couldn't possibly let this feeling of mine continue by itself. I don't want to allow it. Moreover, I'm sure Dia-san will not allow it as well. I have to stop it no matter what. And the best way for that is to distance myself from Dia-san. I'm sure if I keep doing that, this feeling will eventually fade by itself.
As I wrap myself in my blanket, I close my eyes. I pray that this feeling which only brings hardship for everyone, disappears.
"Ruby-chan, can't we just do our homework in Maru's house instead?" fidgeting in the floor, I shift my eyes to my surrounding jittery.
"But if we do it here, we can ask Onee-chan if there's some part we don't understand, right?" Ruby-chan tilts her head innocently. It seems like she doesn't notice my uneasiness.
After rejecting Ruby-chan's invitation for I don't know how many times, finally, Ruby-chan succeed in bringing me to her home again. And the reason is rather silly if I may say. She said that Dia-san has something to tell me and insisted that Ruby-chan should bring me home. My conscience says that I should avoid Dia-san no matter what, to kill every hope left in my heart. So coming to Kurosawa residence is, of course, out of the question. But my heart says otherwise. After a long time of not having a proper interaction with Dia-san, it starts to miss it greatly. And of course, it will continue fighting as long as there's still hope. I know that there's always a fight between mind and heart. I just don't know that heart is sometimes stronger. And the result of that battle is this; sitting inside the Kurosawa residence while looking around nervously.
"At least, could we please go to your room, zura? This living room is just too big for us two, right?"
After hearing my words, Ruby-chan looks around at our surroundings.
"Is that so? Isn't this where we normally do our homework?" Ruby-chan frowns. I guess I've made her confused and it's not a good thing.
Admitting my defeat, I let out a big sigh. I shift my eyes back to my homework and trying to concentrate on it. I don't want any unnecessary thoughts. My head is heavy enough to keep myself composed. But it seems that my luck is really bad today. From the distance, I could hear someone else footstep. The louder I hear the footstep, the faster my heart races. When the footstep stops, I can hear the voice I've come to love. A calm, shooting, yet stern voice. A voice so beautiful that always sound like music, even when she doesn't sing.
"Ruby, do you manage to―"
The voice suddenly stops. After a long pause, I could hear the voice speaks again in a different tone.
"Good afternoon, Hanamaru-san."
Dia-san greets me. I can't comprehend the meaning of the tune she uses. Angry? Annoyed? Sad? Or perhaps, happy? I can't tell.
"Thank you for coming here today." She speaks once again.
I can feel that she's looking in my direction, but I'm too afraid to lift my face. All I do is stare emptily at my book, and nod a little. I didn't really want to see her today, even though Ruby-chan said that she has something to tell me. If I see her, my heart always waver. I can't understand why my heart is really weak against her, but at the same time is really strong against my mind.
"If it is not a bother for you, could you please come to my room after you have finished your homework? I have something to tell you. Well then, excuse me."
"Ah, Onee-chan! What is it that you need?" Ruby-chan asks her sister, remember that she was saying something until she saw me.
"No, it is alright, you do not have to worry about that."
After saying that, Dia-san leaves us alone again and goes to her own room. She want to tell me something? What does she want to say anyway? Can't she just pass the message to Ruby-chan instead? I get Ruby-chan's reason for wanting me to come to her house. Because it's been so long since the last time I come here and indeed, she needs help with her homework. But Dia-san's reason? Why do I have to come here if all she needs is to speak with me? After a lengthy attempt to search for an answer, I come to a conclusion. At that sudden realization my whole body tense.
Could it be that she find out about my feeling? But, how? I'm pretty sure I hide it really well. Maybe there are times that feeling slip from its bottle like today, but, in front of Dia-san? I'm sure it's never happened before. But there's still the possibility since no matter how good you hide your secret, eventually someone will figure it out.
If Dia-san knows about my feeling, then, what likely will come after is something bad. Something that I had imagined several times before. Oh no, I don't want to hear Dia-san say it. I don't want to get rejected, even before I tell her about my feeling. Should I run away? Should I tell Ruby-chan that I have a really sudden important appointment and go home right now? Ruby-chan won't figure it out anyway. Yes, I can just run away. But, wouldn't it be inappropriate behavior? Not to mention I will worry Ruby-chan as well. Should I just stay here and face the truth? No, let's just run away. Okay, in the count of three, I will gather all my belonging and says some lie and then run away home.
"...Maru-chan..."
Wait, I don't think I can do it. I don't want to lie to my best friend again and again. I don't want to betray her trust.
"Hanamaru-chan...!"
I hear Ruby-chan call for my name and lift my head to look at her eyes. Somehow, I can see the worries in it. Why?
"Hanamaru-chan, your face is really pale. Are you alright? You've been spacing out for thirty minutes."
Thirty minutes!? That long? Really?
"A-ah, no, Maru is alright zura. Maru just needs to use the restroom for a second. Is that alright?" I reply Ruby-chan's question the normal way that I could. I don't want Ruby-chan to find out my real intention.
"Should Ruby come with you?" The worry on Ruby-chan's face is still there. It hasn't disappeared a bit.
"Hmmm, it's fine zura. Thank you, Ruby-chan." I shake my head and force a smile. I want to erase that worry on Ruby-chan's face, but it seems my effort is futile. I still couldn't ease Ruby-chan's worry.
And so, I get up from my seat and without looking to my right and left, I walk straight to the restroom. To be honest, going to the restroom is a risky move since I will be walking past Dia-san's room. If I happen to catch a glimpse of her, my plan to run away will surely fail. After washing my face and clearing my thought, I slap both my cheeks to gain back my composure. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"Let's begin this escape plan zura!"
On my way back from the restroom, I walk past Dia-san's room once again. This might be the hardest battle I will fight today. After preparing my heart, I fastened my steps when I see that the door to Dia-san's room is slightly open. I didn't notice it before. At that slight gap between the door, I can see Dia-san is there, sitting on the floor while resting her head on the desk. Is she sleeping? My curiosity rises up. For a moment there, I change my walk direction to Dia-san's room. Thankfully, my right mind is coming back to me. I shake my head vigorously. I have to stick up to my initial plan. I try my best to avert my eyes from Dia-san's back.
Another fight. My mind tells me to hurriedly walk back to the living room and go home but my heart says otherwise. It wants to see Dia-san. I don't know how much time has passed since I stand still in front of Dia-san's room. Ruby-chan doesn't search for me either. I assume that she is sleeping soundly right now because she's often doing that after we finished working on our homework. At a sudden realization that Dia-san is sleeping as well, I giggle. As expected from sister.
Actually, this is a good chance for me to run away. All I need to do is go to the living room, gather all my belonging, leave a message for Ruby-chan, and go straight home. Now, the first step is going back to the living room. I took a deep breath and move my feet again, walking past Dia-san's room.
.
.
.
I've imagined the perfect runaway scenario and replay it in my head over and over, so, why did my feet bring me here? When I come to my senses, I notice that I'm not in the living room, I'm not tidying my belonging, I'm not leaving a message for Ruby-chan, and I'm definitely not walking out of the Kurosawa residence. In fact, I'm inside Dia-san's room right now. How come? Does that mean that my heart wins another fight? My heart is beating really fast right now. Maybe tired after that last battle. I'm in the room of the girl I'm in love with. This doesn't feel real. I might be dreaming right now. I walk closer to where Dia-san is sitting. My guess is right, she is sleeping. Looking at her sleeping face, feels like looking at a baby's face. It's so pure and innocent and I can't help but smile.
If she's sleeping in ike this, she's going to hurt her back later...
Moving by itself, slowly, my hand reaches out to her cheek and stroke it gently.
"Mmhh..." Dia-san moves a little and lets out a sound.
At that moment, all my rationality seems to have faded away. For once, I let my heart take control of my body. I rub my eyes and open them. I did it so I could slowly burn this hazy scene into my memory. This beautiful goddess is lying defenseless in front of me. All that desires inside of me, overflow. I want her. Slowly, I close the gap between us. Looking at her from this close proximity, I become aware of the fact that she is truly enticing. My face is really close to her. Close enough that I can feel her warm breath. I surrender myself in this improper desire, and, joined our lips together.
A second passed, five, thirty, sixty, and my lip is still touching Dia-san's lip. I know that I should pull it already, but I just can't. Just like bees that don't go away after finding some nectar, I don't want to pull away from this sweet sensation. Not until I realize that Dia-san is already awake.
In that instant, I pull my lip frantically until I fall to the back. Dia-san, conscious of what has happened, touch her lip slowly and call out for my name.
"Hanamaru...san?"
Her voice cracks. Still glued to the floor, I don't know what to say. I search for apologetic words. However, although my mouth is open, I can't say anything. I can feel the cold sweat running down my spine, the loud heartbeat thumping beneath my chest, and the unbearable heat on my face.
It's over. I'm sure Dia-san doesn't want to see me anymore. I'm sure...
"Ha-Hanamaru-san?" Dia-san stands from her position and hurriedly walking to my direction. She squats and looks at me with worry.
"I-I'm sorry..." Between the tears I spill, I manage to say it to her. "I-I'm sorry, Dia-san...I will not bother you again..."
I don't know if she will figure out what I'm saying or not. I don't care. I just need to say this to her. Between the uncontrollable hiccup, I open my mouth again.
"I'm sorry, I promise you, you will not see me again. But please, don't say that I'm disgusting."
My cheeks are completely wet by now. That's right. I don't mind if she gets angry at me. I don't mind if she doesn't want to see me anymore. But what I can't stand is hearing her says that I'm disgusting. With that one word coming from her mouth, I'm sure I will break into pieces. I can't say anything anymore. All I do is crying. I don't dare to look at Dia-san in front of me. I don't want to see her expression right now.
"...How could I..."
Dia-san is muttering something to herself. I can't quite catch what she said. Suddenly, I can feel her arms wrapped around my body.
"How could I say that you are disgusting!?" Half shouting, Dia-san's hug is tightening, it's a little hurt.
What has just happened? Everything accelerated too fast I can't comprehend her action. Why is Dia-san embracing me right now?
"I dare not to get angry at you, so, how could I say that word?"
After both of us calm down, Dia-san let go of her hand and look at me straight in the eye. I want to avert my gaze but I know that I can't. I want to hear what Dia-san has to say.
"Hanamaru-san, you have been avoiding me lately, do you realize that?" There's some sadness in her expression. I nod with guilt. "I asked Ruby to brought you here because I want to ask you for the reason."
Dia-san stops. She took a deep breath and her expression turning into a serious one.
"Hanamaru-san, do you hate me?"
At the sudden question that being thrown at me, I widened my eyes in surprise.
"Ho-how can you come to that conclusion!?"
"Because you never dare to look at me in the eye, because you always avoid me whenever I tried to have a conversation with you, and because you always look uncomfortable whenever I am around. You know what? I always watched you, so, I know it so well." Her expression softened again. The sadness on her face is genuine and I feel guilty for having put her in a difficult situation.
Do I really act that way around Dia-san? Maybe I did, but for a different reason.
"I love you." I blurt it out without thinking.
Hearing what I say, Dia-san's eyes grow as big as a saucer. She is freezing in her place.
I can't run away anymore, can't I?
I gulp and look at her eyes. I'm sure mine is teary right now.
"If you feel like I have been avoiding you all this time, the reason is not because I hate you, but because I love you." My cracked voice betrays me.
"Lo-love!?" Dia-san tries to confirm it.
"Dia-san, you realize what I did when you were sleeping, right? It's that kind of love." I cast my eyes down. "I'm really sorry for what I did. I won't do it ever again. I'll keep my distance from you and will try really hard to forget you. So for now, please bear with me..." I can't help but cry again for the second time. I don't want to stop my love for Dia-san, but, after everything that happened today, I have no other choice. Because I know that Dia-san isn't like that.
"Do not..."
"...Eh?"
Dia-san's hands grab my cheeks and she lifts my face up so that she can see my eyes.
"Please, do not give up on me, Hanamaru-san..." Dia-san expression is a mix of happiness and doubt.
"Since you confess to me about your feeling, please, hear my confession as well." Still holding my cheeks, she continues. " The time I spent with you avoiding me is really agonizing. I feel like something has been taken from inside of me. I do not know if that was what people would call longing but it is true that I miss you. I want to look at your smile again. I want to have you by my side."
Dia-san stops. Her hands down from my cheeks and now is holding my hands.
"I still do not understand about my own feeling, so what I am going to say next might sound selfish. The moment you said that you love me, I feel some kind of happiness that I can not explain inside my heart. I have never fallen in love before so I am inexperience at this kind of things. You are the first to make me feel this way." She took a breather and continue her speak.
"This is my request for you, Hanamaru-san. Please, do not give up on me."
I can't believe what I hear. If it's not for Dia-san's serious expression, I will take her words before as a joke. However, looking into her eyes, I know that she is not joking.
"And one more thing. Please, help me to fall in love with you. Would you do it?"
I can't say anything anymore. I jump straight at her and embrace her tightly. I bury my face in her chest and nod vigorously while crying for the third time.
"Thank you, Hanamaru-san." Stroking my hair slowly, Dia-san thanked me with the sweetest voice I have ever heard.
Even though she doesn't return my feeling right now, there's still some hope left for me. I don't know how long it will take, but, I definitely won't give up ever again. I will make Dia-san fall for me and maybe, no, surely, in the distant future we will be together.