A/N: This is a one-shot in the mind of Zach! I really tried to get a feel for what he actually thinks like… and it was harder than I thought. If you feel up to it, reviews are greatly appreciated! (But views are just as great!) Thanks!
"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something."
-H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Fear. Although we are slow to admit it, everyone fears something. Whether or not we let it define our lives is our decision to make.
We hide fear, pushing it into the depths of our mind; but no matter how hard we push it is still there. Waiting. Haunting.
Some have one fear, others many. Some contain it; but others let it take over, let it control them.
Growing up, being afraid wasn't an option. I was taught to handle a gun rather than ride a bicycle.
Guns didn't scare me.
I was taught interrogation tactics. Holding onto a façade and keeping secrets, no matter what.
Interrogation didn't scare me.
Lessons turned into experience; my mother giving me a target. A living target.
Killing didn't scare me.
The nights spent in the infamous tombs, bruises and scars covering my body. My own mother taking a knife to my flesh.
Torture didn't scare me. My mother didn't scare me. Death was a gift.
I hardly batted an eye at the sight of my own blood. The worst criminals in the world were nothing more than Subjects.
Growing up with a terrorist hardened me. No emotion, and certainly not love. They never teach you how to feel.
Feeling is weakness, and weakness is not something the Circle allows.
I quickly learned to put up a mask.
No emotion. No fear.
I didn't think I feared anything, until I felt life. Until being a part of an ancient terrorist group wasn't my only option. Until Joseph Solomon.
He helped me escape, he cared about me.
I was enrolled in Blackthorne, a school for assassins. The cover-up as a school for troubled boys wasn't far from the truth.
Sure, they were training to be assassins, but I was an assassin. Born and raised.
My eyes stayed emotionless. No feelings. If I couldn't feel, then nothing could shake me. Nothing could scare me.
I made a point to let no one behind my walls. Not even my roommates.
Eventually, everyone started to give up on me. No one looked at me, and I liked it that way. My walls were impenetrable, and that fact was quickly picked up on.
Joe Solomon was different. His eyes held determination.
He taught me separately, away from my peers.
Suddenly the indifferent eyes of the student body turned to fear. They were afraid of me.
After all, the best assassin in the school was mentoring me.
I blame Joe Solomon for teaching me how to feel.
I started to speak to my roommates; made eye contact with my classmates. My walls came down, fractions at a time.
The Gallagher Exchange came along, and Joe made sure I went. Looking back, I know that Cameron Morgan being my target was not a coincidence.
During sophomore year I started to let go. For that, I put the blame on Cammie Morgan.
She reminded me of myself. I had my secrets, and she had hers.
Most of all; she didn't know about what our school was really for, and hadn't a clue about my mother.
She wasn't afraid of me.
To her, my parents were gone. With her, I could forget about my past.
Slowly, I was becoming human, becoming real. I could feel.
Sadly, good things don't last forever.
My mother was dead to me, but not to the world. She came after Cammie.
Cammie knew too much. She saw things she didn't want to see. It certainly didn't help that she knew me.
And for once, I was afraid. I was afraid of losing her to the person that had made me what I was.
I never went back to Blackthorne. I went with Joe, one of few people I trusted. He was my father figure, the parent I never had.
We followed the Circle's movements. Wherever they were, we were.
For us, this was personal.
Slowly, Cammie lost trust in me, and it hurt. But I was taught to ignore pain, and this was no different.
My mask came back up, my emotions guarded. I needed to focus on taking down the Circle.
I watched as my mother changed Cammie. The innocence in her eyes faded, and she too put up a mask.
The Catherine Goode effect.
When Cammie finally realized that I was truly on her side, she let me back in. It wasn't the same as sophomore year, not by a long shot.
For Cammie, danger had become real. For me, it had come back.
Trust was relative, but we held each other's lives in our hands. We were ready to take on the world.
When Joe Solomon was declared a traitor, she was heartbroken. I couldn't believe it. This man had done too much for me to be a traitor. But, the evidence was hard to deny.
I felt terrible when he wouldn't wake up. He was willing to give his life, and I was willing to believe he would double-cross us.
I was afraid he wouldn't wake up.
I wanted this to end so badly, needed it to end. This nightmare had consumed my life since the day I was born.
When I confronted her that afternoon, I had never expected her to leave without me. Guilt took over, and my walls came up once again.
I had lost the two people who had taught me to feel. The lives of the two people I cared about were at stake, and I was afraid.
I was afraid that they'd never come back.
The Circle made a point to make me immune to two things; fear, and love. The irony was that in this moment I felt both, and it was the Circle's doing.
I feared because I loved.
Running away was my way of coping. I had never lost someone before.
I vowed to find Cammie, and when I didn't, I cried. I shed my first tears sitting in Joe Solomon's hospital room after my failure to find her.
I finally understood why the Circle doesn't teach emotion, why it doesn't allow fear.
Your opponents greatest weapons are your own emotions and fears. If they break your spirit, your body will quickly follow suit.
So, I put on my mask and guarded myself.
When she walked in the door I didn't run to her. I just looked away. As I passed her in the halls, I didn't acknowledge her presence.
If I let her in, there was a chance that I would lose her again.
Eventually, the inevitable happened. My need for her nagged at me every second.
I saw past her fake smiles, past the façade. She was broken, and I was the only one that understood.
I knew full well what Catherine Goode was capable of.
The sparkle in her eyes had left, any shred of innocence gone. My mother had broken her just like she had broken me.
At the safe-house, seeing the man lying dead on the ground, I saw the real wounds from the summer.
The bruises and scars wouldn't last forever, but the training wouldn't be shaken easily. The damage to her mind was worse than any scar.
She had been trained to be like them.
From that moment, I made two promises.
The Circle would be gone, once and for all.
I would fix her, like she fixed me.
I owed it to her and myself to fulfill those two promises, and I did.
Years later, we had taken down the top members of the Circle of Cavan. Cammie and I worked side by side, and we freed ourselves from the people who had held us captive for all these years. Our minds were free.
Gradually, we let our walls down lower and lower. We were delicate with it, both of us knowing what love does to people.
We had both lost people in our lives.
Despite being spies, we had our fears. We loved, and we lost just like everyone else in this world.
I like to think I'm not afraid. I like to forget about losses, and pretend emotions don't exist.
The Circle taught me how to hide emotions, but no one is truly immune.
The truth is, everyone is afraid. Everyone feels. Even assassins will fall in love, and fear losing the ones that are close.
Everyone feels.
Everyone loves.
Everyone fears.
Everyone loses.
Some just hide it behind a mask.
I really hope you enjoyed this! Reviews are very appreciated, but please don't feel like you have to.
Thank You!