Richelle Mead owns the VA and Bloodlines series.
Okay, let's try this again. I couldn't manage to get my post-TIS story to work, so I'm trying again with TFH and yes. I'm using the same name because, well. It's sort of perfect for a post-TFH story. This time I'm working hard to make this story work and have already written and planned a good portion of it. I don't know how long it will be, but I hope it will be emotional enough to at least sort of prepare us for whatever torture Richelle Mead has planned for Silver Shadows. With all of that said, here is the first chapter of the brand new, now post-TFH Through The Darkness.
(THE FIERY HEART SPOILERS AHEAD)
Lazily lifting a finger in the air, I signaled the bartender I was in need of another round, while trying to ignore the hard look my dragon drinking companion was giving me.
Hopper might have been stuck in his rock form, but that didn't stop me from feeling the judgment emanating off of him. If I was being honest, it wasn't Hopper's emotions I was feeling, it was my own. Or maybe I was just on one of those too-low lows the psychologist I'd spoken to once—Einstein, I'd nicknamed him—had told me about. Just another thing to add to the Why My Life Sucks column.
Some people would say I had it easy; growing up with money, power, popularity, good looks. Those people would be one hundred percent wrong. I had lots of problems in my life, the state of my mental health being the biggest one until recently. But apparently being a moody bipolar guy who was likely going insane due to the excessive amounts of spirit magic in his own body wasn't enough. No. Apparently someone thought I needed to be tortured more, punished more.
The thought of torture and punishment sent my mind reeling toward the one topic I was desperately trying to stay away from. That's why as soon as the bartender dropped my third shot of vodka in front of me, I tipped the glass back and prayed the buzz would keep all rational thought at bay for a little while longer.
"There you are," a vaguely familiar voice said to my left. I was too drunk to recognize it, but I didn't bother turning to see who it was, either. It didn't matter anyway. It never would, because it wasn't her. "Adrian," the voice said again with a long drawn out sigh.
A body, a large one, shifted into my peripheral vision and Dimitri Belikov took the stool next to me. I still didn't turn to face him. As my ex's current boyfriend, Dimitri was pretty much the last person I expected to show up looking for me, but here he was. And somehow all I wanted to do was punch him. I'd been back at Court for less than a week—in which I'd managed to avoid most of my friends—and already they were sending babysitters out after me. I waved for another drink.
"The last time I saw you," Dimitri said, watching me take my next shot, "you were doing so well. Why have you slipped back into this act?"
Rage sparked within me, but was quickly doused by all the alcohol I'd just ingested. I didn't have enough energy to be angry, and I definitely wasn't sober enough to try to feel anything for longer than a brief moment or two. That's why I was here in the first place, wasn't it? To numb myself? To forget?
"Who said it's an act?" I replied, already feeling like an asshole. Part of me knew Dimitri was only here because he was trying to help, but it didn't matter. Nothing did. "Maybe the guy you saw was the act. A rouse to make Rose realize what she was missing out on."
Dimitri didn't look like he believed me, but he was thoughtful for a few blessedly silent minutes. Ever since Sydney was taken away to be reeducated by the Alchemists, I'd been unable to be around my friends and their worried looks. Some of those friends knew what was going on between me and Sydney, friends like Jill and Eddie and Sydney's old teacher, Jackie. Even Marcus, a rebel alchemist, knew something was going on between us, even if he didn't know the details. They tried consoling me, counseling me, hell! They even had an intervention after I stopped taking my mood stabilizers and started drinking again. Angeline and Neil weren't exactly close with me—and didn't know anything about my relationship with Sydney—but even they were worried about my drinking. But now that we were back at Court, I'd give anything to be back there with those people. Interventions and all.
We'd flown in earlier this week, three days after the vote to have the family law changed so Jill wouldn't be in danger anymore passed. A faint light flickered in my chest when I thought about Jill running into her mother's arms when our plane landed in Philadelphia. She'd missed her mom more than anything else while we'd been in Palm Springs. I knew how she felt. I hadn't seen my mom in a while either. And probably wouldn't see her for a while still. But she wasn't the one I missed the most anymore.
"You know what I think?" Dimitri asked after waving the bartender over and ordering a Coke. "I think something happened and this is you trying to pretend it didn't."
Startled, I turned to look at him. He wasn't wrong, I just didn't expect him to come up with it. I didn't expect him to care enough to think about why I was trying to drink myself into a coma.
"You were taking pills to control spirit. I guess you stopped taking them," he said slowly and pointed at the empty shot glass in front of me. "I know you're worried about Sydney. I don't really understand what happened, but I'm sorry that it's hurting you."
"I don't—" I started to say I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't. I didn't want to think about how I'd failed her. How I'd played a role in her being taken and punished, just because she loved me. I couldn't think about how I might never see her again. But Dimitri cut me off.
"I know you had friends out in California and were going to college. I think Palm Springs was a place to escape from your reputation and now that you've found yourself back here, you're copping out and letting yourself change back into the person you once were."
Of course Dimitri didn't know about my relationship with Sydney or the truth behind my mood. That was one of the worst parts of this. No one understood what I was really feeling. They thought I was upset because my friend was reassigned and possibly in real trouble. They thought I felt the way Eddie did, like I'd failed her somehow.
I had failed her. I'd been the reason she was taken away in the first place. If I hadn't lost my phone, if I hadn't wanted her to come over so often, if I hadn't told her how I felt in the first place, if I had done things differently she might not be in this situation right now. She might have been here with me, or at least she wouldn't currently be being punished for being with me.
Dimitri took a sip of his Coke, letting me sink lower into my depression in silence. I didn't say anything, I couldn't, even though some part of me wished I could. I'd already asked Lissa for help finding Sydney a dozen times. If asked everyone I could think of. No one could track her, or get in touch with her in a spirit dream. I checked every single day with absolutely no luck. But I really wished I could turn to Dimitri and ask him to help me save the love of my life. I felt like he'd help if I could just find out where she was.
They'd all help—Rose, Lissa, everyone—but I had to find Sydney first and I was severely sucking at doing that. It was like everything else in my life. I wanted to accomplish a task, but I almost always ended up failing. I felt like the only reason I ever accomplished anything at all was because I had Sydney behind me, giving me moral support. And now that she was gone I was all alone, floundering once more.
Dimitri quietly finished his drink and threw some money on the bar. Then he was gone, back to Rose, back to his duty as a guardian, away from the sad drunk at the bar. And I was all alone again with my regret, my fears, Hopper and my empty shot glass.
"Another round?" The bartender was looking at me, vodka bottle in hand, but I waved him off and pulled myself off the bar stool. I paid for my drinks and put Hopper in my pocket. I'd had enough to drink. Besides, I didn't want to be alone anymore. Being alone left me too much time to think.
Problem was, there wasn't anyone I actually wanted to be around either. I couldn't be around Jill, not while I was so drunk and not with Eddie constantly following her around. She might have been safe from any rebels that wanted her dead, but with the way Eddie followed her, it sure didn't seem like it. A lot of that probably had to do with his feelings for her, but I knew some of it was because of his inability to save Sydney. He still apologized to me for failing her, and when he wasn't actually apologizing he was throwing me apologetic glances. I couldn't take it. I liked Eddie, but he couldn't distract me from my sorrow anymore than sitting alone at a bar could. After some thought I went to the only place I could hope to find at least a little distraction.
Sonya's "lab" was located in the back of the palace. It wasn't technically a lab in the obvious sense, more of an office with a lab table in the middle. A couch lined the right wall and I sunk down onto it, knowing standing would probably make it more obvious I was drunk. Not that Sonya couldn't tell the moment she looked at me.
"Oh, Adrian," she said quietly, and put the vial of blood she was studying away. "You look awful. Why don't you go home and sleep for awhile?"
"No," I said, sitting up. "Sleep won't help. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks." I tried to pull myself together enough that she might let me stay and help a little. "Besides, my dad's home and I could do without the lecture. I need to work. Or at least watch you work. I'm not that drunk."
Her mouth pulled into a grimace. "Too drunk to help me study this blood. As you are right now I'm not even sure you could tell me what color it is, let alone if there's any spirit left in it."
I snorted. "Probably a good call, anyway. Who would trust a drunk guy to save the world?"
"You've already done half the work," she said seriously. "You saw the spirit in Olive's blood. You saved it by charming the silver."
"And you thought to put it in a tattoo which saved Neil."
"Only because you thought that injecting it into someone like a vaccine might work. And Sydney did the hard part." Her mouth snapped shut and her eyes went wide, like she'd said some sort of bad word. I slumped back down on the couch.
Sydney had made that tattoo and she'd been brave enough to go with him to test it out. She'd faced down a Strigoi trying to prove the tattoo would work, that we could save people from monsters. And the very next day she was taken by a different set of monsters.
"Adrian." Her voice was soft and hesitant as she sat down beside me. "I know something was going on between the two of you and I know she's the reason you're..." she waved her hand at me, "doing this. I'm sorry I couldn't find her in a dream. I've tried every night since you asked me—"
"Sonya," I said, my voice thick, whether from alcohol or emotion I wasn't sure. Probably both. "You don't need to do that. I check all the time. Night, day, whenever. I can't find her. And if I can't find her there's no way you will. But I appreciate you trying, and Sydney would too."
She didn't look happy. "If you can't reach her it's probably because she's drugged."
"Yeah," I said, feeling like I never wanted to talk about this again after going over it in my own head so many times, but I didn't want to pretend like she didn't exist either. "And I don't know how to find her while she is. The Alchemists took her because she was too friendly with us. They'll change her way of thinking, try to make her hate us. And I'm afraid they'll hurt her while trying to do it." A humorless laugh ripped out of me. "Sydney can be pretty stubborn sometimes, especially in the face of danger. She won't just give in."
Sonya nodded. "That's one of the things I like best about Sydney," she said, then threw me a pointed look. "Do you think this is how she'd want you to handle it? By giving in?"
My shoulders slumped and I dropped my head forward. No, Sydney would be horrified by how I was handling all of this. An image of Sydney appeared in my mind's eye, and the disappointment on her beautiful face nearly undid me. "I don't know how else to handle it," I admitted quietly. "Without her... I don't know how to handle anything."
I could tell the confession startled her, even if she knew something had been going on between us. She hesitated and then looked me straight in the eye. "Maybe you should go back on your pills."
"No can do, Mrs. Tanner," I said with a forced laugh that somehow left me feeling emptier after it left my lips. "You were right. I need my magic too much. Even if I don't get anywhere, I... I can't stop looking. But, honestly." I sighed and shook my head. "I don't want to talk about this. I came here to be distracted for awhile, so distract me. Who'd you have to kill for the blood in that vial?" I asked, gesturing to the table.
It took a few seconds for Sonya to refocus on her experiment. She stood and brought the vial over for me to look at, even though all I could see was a dark red liquid inside. Not even a hint of spirit stirred within me.
"It's Neil's," she said. "He stopped by yesterday to let me take a sample. There's a low hum of spirit in it, but that's it. No sign that it's any special protection from Strigoi. I keep thinking... hmm."
"Thinking what?" I asked, happy with my decision to come here. This science stuff was just the distraction I needed, plus it was something Sydney would want me to be helping with. Something she wouldn't be disappointed in me for.
"I keep thinking maybe we should inject some of his blood into another test subject, but that would be diluting it, wouldn't it? And we couldn't test it unless the test subject was bitten by a Strigoi. There are too many ways that could go wrong to even contemplate it. We're just lucky Neil wasn't killed when he tested his tattoo."
She was right about that. Neil, Eddie and Sydney had lucked out when they went after a Strigoi in Los Angeles a few weeks ago. They'd been able to kill the Strigoi because Jill, along with Angeline and Trey, had shown up at the last minute and caused a distraction. Thinking about how dangerous the plan they'd come up with had been and how Sydney had gone along with it anyway stirred something within me. Sydney was always so brave in the face of danger. She'd been brave that night, and the night we were attacked by a psycho witch named Alicia, and even back when we'd been attacked by a couple Strigoi when our friend Lee turned out to be less a friend and more a serial killer. She'd stood up to Lee and the Strigoi, even when they'd tried to drink her blood—
"Huh," I grunted, an idea occurring to me.
"Huh, what?" Sonya asked. She was looking at me in a way I wasn't used to being looked at. She looked at me the way you look at a colleague, someone who's ideas you respect.
"It's just..." I started off slowly, trying to gather my thoughts. I didn't want her to stop looking at me like that because I was too drunk to think straight. "When Sydney and I were attacked by Strigoi, they couldn't drink her blood, which is the same thing that happened when Neil was bitten." Sonya nodded along. "But Lee couldn't drink from her either. He kept trying, but said he couldn't stomach it. He was Moroi."
Sonya's eyes widened. "Adrian, you're a genius!" She leaned forward and enveloped me in a hug, before jumping off the couch and taking the vial of Neil's blood with her.
She sat down at a stool at the lab table and uncorked the vial. "If Lee wasn't able to drink from Sydney than I shouldn't be able to drink from Neil." She dipped a pinky into the blood and brought it to her lips.
I watched with bated breath, waiting for her reaction. Lee had been disgusted by Sydney's blood because he was a rescued Strigoi. When I'd tasted Sydney's blood by accident she'd tasted just fine. More than fine, really. Her blood was the best thing I'd ever tasted because it was her's, because it was a part of her and I wanted to be connected to her in every way possible. So, if I was right, Sonya should be grimacing in disgust right about now.
Only, she wasn't.
She dipped another finger and licked the blood off that one as well. "It tastes okay," she said, utterly disappointed. "It doesn't taste great, but I think that's because it's been in the vial for so long."
We stared at each other for a few minutes. The hope she'd had a moment ago was completely gone from her, and me for that matter. I'd felt a burst of confidence when I'd had the idea, like maybe I really could accomplish something, and now I felt the same as I had at the bar. Useless. But then Sonya's face lit up again.
"What?" I asked. "Bad aftertaste?"
She laughed and smiled at me. "No, well, a little bit. But I realized why it didn't work." I raised an eyebrow, waiting for her revelation. "It's because I'm a spirit user! When a spirit user comes back from the undead it affects us differently because we already have spirit in us. Our bodies process it differently. It's why I can still use my magic when other Moroi, like Lee, can't. This experiment will work," she said, excitedly. "We just need a saved Moroi to test it on."
"Too bad you're the only one we have lying around," I said. But I was feeling better. My idea would work, we just had to test it on the right person. If this worked, we might have found a way to safely test the Strigoi vaccine.
"But there are others," she assured me. "Not many, but they're out there. Now we just have to find them."
Sonya jumped off her stool and happily strode from the room, telling me she had to go tell Lissa about our idea. This would work, I knew it would, and I was happy to have played a part in it, but I couldn't help the swirl of anger in my chest. Sonya would tell Lissa they needed a Moroi test subject and the queen would go out of her way to find one. But there was still no one to help me find Sydney. No one to help correct this unspeakable wrong that had been done to someone I loved.
I sighed and stood up from the couch. Unfortunately even helping save the world wasn't enough to distract me from my heartbreak.