Title: Not Broken Just Bent
Author: LosT-in-Twific
This first chapter was written for: Fandom 4 LLS
Pre-read by Lostred Rose aka Lusty Losty * wink * and Cloe Marrie, and beta'd by AJasperForMe (Bridgette) aka AJFM Drofnats
Thank you so much girls. As always, I couldn't have done this without you. You chicas rock!
Rating: MA / NC-17
Disclaimer: Characters are Stephenie's, plot is mine.
Warning: Bella will be in a pretty dark place for a while. Angst, hurt, drama, pain … she won't make the smartest or best decisions. People who don't like Bella sleeping around probably shouldn't read 'May', 'June' and 'July'. At some point she also physically hurts herself. Nothing too bad and it isn't graphic, but I thought I'd warn you anyway. However, if you think you're up to it and you want to completely understand where she's coming from, I encourage you to read the whole story. All will be good in the end, I promise. Also, this may or may not be based on my own life at a certain point ...
Summary: Bella and Edward. There are still certainties in this life. Or are there? Bella gets hurt like she's never been hurt before. She doesn't know how to cope and she's slowly losing her grip on reality. One day, someone new walks into her life. Will he be another nameless face, a way to push away the pain and hurt, or will he stick around long enough to get her back on track?
Yes people, this will be a Bella x Jasper story, eventually, and you'll love it. I hope ... ;)
Every morning when I wake up, there's this moment where I'm happy. It's my favorite part of the day, those short, blurry seconds of utter perfection. Until I remember what happened and I'm feeling the pain again.
CHAPTER 1
March
"Edward, do you feel this too?" I tried really hard not to jump on my feet, but it wasn't easy considering I felt as excited as a six year old with a free pass to the candy store. "This ... fits!" I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer in a tight hug.
I glanced around once more and could feel a deep, red blush creeping its way up on my cheeks, giving away the happiness and anticipation nestling itself in me. Edward bent down and kissed me gently on my colored cheek before chuckling softly, making fun of my antics.
"I'm having a very good feeling about this too, love," he whispered in my ear. He wriggled himself loose from my still tight grip around him, took my hand in his and made a beeline for the larger of the two bedrooms, pulling me with him. "Come on, Bella, let's take another look around. We could be calling this our home in a few months."
I covered my mouth with my free hand to muffle the sound of my giggle and let him drag me through the apartment we were visiting.
We'd been browsing through real estate websites late last night, me sitting in Edward's lap in front of his laptop, munching on a snack. It was something we often did—just for the fun of it—and my heart always started making double flips when I thought about Edward and I getting our own place, really starting our lives together.
When we'd caught sight of this little treasure, in between bites of cherry tomato and cheese, I'd immediately felt a spark. Edward had had his arm around my stomach so I wouldn't fall face down on the carpet and by the way his grasp had tightened around me, I'd known he was as thrilled as I had been.
It was a very impromptu decision when Edward had called the real estate office early this morning, asking if we could visit. Even after being together for a mere eight months, we felt secure in our relationship. There was a certain tranquility surrounding us, like a fleece blanket on a cold winter's night. After my somewhat turbulent teenage years, I'd accepted Edward's peace and quiet as a very welcome gift.
I knew we'd have to discuss a lot of matters after our visit but I was also positive we could make it work if we really wanted to. I had a very well-paying student job as a hostess in the local theatre and Edward made good money as a computer tech. Ever since we'd gotten together, we'd been spending most of our time at Edward's small rented studio anyway. I wasn't afraid of officially moving in with the love of my life. We loved each other, what more did we need?
April
I'd barely swallowed my last bit of crunchy toast covered in a too-thick layer of butter as I started to tap my fingers on the table. "Come on, baby," I urged Edward, impatience taking over. "If we don't leave now, it'll be insanely crowded in the mall once we get there. And my appointment at the salon is at ten."
I got up from my chair and put my dirty dishes in Edward's kitchen sink thinking that we'd really need to consider buying a dishwasher if we'd finally have our own place. We had visited the perfect apartment last month but Edward eventually had his doubts. Out of the two of us, he was the voice of reason. The one that got carried away in a heartbeat, just as much as I did, but also the one who thought things through and through, analyzing until there was nothing left to analyze.
After we'd let it rest for a couple of days, the importance of the decision hanging as a black cloud above us, he'd admitted his hesitation in typical Edward style.
"It's not that I don't want to, sweets. But think about it. I mean, really think about it." He pinched the bridge of his nose before slipping both hands into his pockets, rocking back and forth on the spot. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was afraid of me, of my reaction. Granted, my emotions could be flying around like a canary on crack, they usually were, but I did understand the gravity of this decision. I mean, I was only nineteen and a college student, and I wasn't going to force Edward to do something he didn't want to do.
"Look, Bella." He straightened his back and took a deep breath. "I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. However, I'd prefer it if we could continue what we have now for a little while longer. You spend most of your time here anyway. As long as your parents are cool with it, why not?"
Honestly? It still hurt. Instead of focusing on the well-hidden rejection, I'd decided to focus on the I love you part and not dwell on it for too long. We had an eternity together in front of us and I wasn't about to go all teenage drama queen on him over this. There would be other apartments in our future and they would be better than the perfect one we'd let slip through our hands.
"Ready, Miss Impatience?" Edward had finished his breakfast and snuck up on me, putting his hands on my shoulders, gently squeezing. "If we don't leave now, it'll be insanely crowded," he cackled.
I huffed, escaped his grip and turned around, narrowing my eyes. "You know, Edward, sometimes you really are intolerable. I do not sound like that!" Stomping my feet, I made my way over to the front door, grabbing my purse on the way out. "Are you coming?"
~NBJB~
I'd never cared much for the way I looked before meeting Rosalie and Kate on the first day of O-week. I'd shown up as my usual self in black skinny jeans, a 100 Monkeys t-shirt and my loyal black and ratty Converse. During the guided tour on campus, I'd made a snarky comment about something the campus guide, who obviously had a huge stick up his ass and felt a lot more important than he actually was, had said. The freakishly tall and gorgeous blonde next to me had burst out into laughter, earning herself a look of disdain from said guide. She'd held me back by my arm when the group moved on to the next stop, extending her right hand. "Rosalie Hale. You're totally my type of person."
After the tour had finished, we'd found ourselves at a table in the campus restaurant, making small talk over lunch. She couldn't have been any more different than I was—blonde versus brown; tall versus on the short side; graceful versus the definition of clumsy; confident versus withdrawn—but yet we'd hit it off.
It was thirty minutes into the lunch break when our chat had been interrupted by the shrieking sound of a chair that got dragged over the floor, away from the table. "Hey, sorry to interrupt, but is this seat taken?" Another blonde girl had approached the table where we sat and had been awkwardly holding the chair back, head tilted to the side and eyes wide. Rosalie had slowly shaken her head and made a go ahead gesture with her hand.
"Great! I'm Kate, by the way." She'd put her tray down on the table and sat down. She took a sip from the already-opened can of Diet Coke and looked up again, ignoring Rosalie and instead fixating her stare on me. I'd started squirming on my chair, feeling uncomfortable. She'd narrowed her eyes and pointed her right index finger at me. "Honey, I don't sugarcoat, so believe me when I say that you could do with one hell of a makeover."
After being dumbfounded for a few very long seconds and trying to decide if I should up and leave, smile and keep my mouth shut or say something back to break the ice, I'd said something that to this day still surprised the hell out of myself. "Sure, knock yourself out. I'm Bella, by the way."
Instant friendship? Check!
My high school friends had pretty much all ventured out to every possible corner of the country, ready for their own college experience, while I had stayed behind, still living in Hotel Home. My parents didn't see the need for me to move thousands of miles away if there was a perfectly fine community college just around the corner, so to speak. On top of that, I hadn't felt the urge to put much effort into deciding what I wanted to do with my future. When all my friends had been sending out their application forms and cracking their brains over acceptance essays, I'd been too busy skipping classes and thinking being rebellious was cool. Back then I couldn't have cared less about something so far off and vague as my future.
It had only been a few days after the beginning of our spontaneous friendship that I'd found myself at Paul's for the first time, flanked by Rosalie and Kate. Leave it up to those two fashionistas to find the best salon in town after only having been there for a week. I'd lived in the same place for almost nineteen years and I'd never set foot in any of the salons in the local mall.
Truth be told, I'd come to terms with the new me pretty fast. My plain and boring glasses were replaced by contacts. My mousy brown hair was straightened and had highlights in it and for the first time in my life, my nails didn't look like I had been biting on them non-stop, even though I had. And that's why, when Rosalie suggested I go on a date with her boyfriend's best friend, I'd pulled up my new facade of confident and sexy and just went for it.
The rest, as they say, was history!
~NBJB~
"Looks great, Paul, thanks," I said, for once actually really feeling good about myself. I turned my head from left to right and back to the left to take another good look in the mirror on top of the dressing table in front of me.
I don't know how Paul had done it, but he went all out today. My hair was straightened more than it had ever been, razor cut in layers. There were highlights in at least five different shades of blonde and red in between my natural brown locks. It made my eyes look wider and deeper, and I had to admit that I loved it!
It wasn't a regular habit of mine, going for the full works before a party, but this time Kate and Rosalie had insisted and wouldn't take no for an answer. It'd been a while, too long, since the three of us had gone out dancing and tonight's party was the perfect occasion to right that wrong.
After paying Paul for his magic, I walked out of the salon right into Edward's arms. "Oh hey, baby. Did you have fun in the Apple store?" I playfully poked his chest with my finger. "Did you buy any new gadgets?" Edward had an almost unhealthy obsession with any I-device on the market. He shrugged but didn't say a thing. Guilty as charged!
"You can show me your newest toy later today," I said, rolling my eyes. I wriggled my hand into his and directed him towards one of my favorite clothing stores in another part of the mall.
"Come on, you can help me choose a new outfit for tonight."
"Oh geez thanks, Bella." He suddenly sounded a little bit off and his grip around my fingers tightened. It was subtle and he probably wasn't even aware of it himself, but I noticed. "I won't be going with you girls so I'll have to make sure you pick something that won't get unwanted attention from anyone." He winked, but it still seemed forced, not spontaneous.
I tried to shrug it off. "Unwanted by me or by you?" I teased.
Edward snickered. "Ah, Bella. I love you, you know that, right?"
I couldn't explain why, but for some reason Edward's words made me shiver. Was it the tone of his voice, his choice of words or the way he made his 'I love you' sound like a question? I really couldn't put my finger on it.
~NBJB~
"Damn Bella, be quiet." I licked the palm of Edward's hand and moaned extra loud when he pulled back. That should teach him to cover my mouth; he knew I didn't like that!
"Don't worry, baby. I think we pretty much gave ourselves away a few months ago when my mom walked in on us. She's busy making dinner anyway." Edward groaned. I had a hard time telling if it was because of the memory I'd just brought up or because of my hand loosely wrapped around his cock, leisurely stroking him.
"You know Edward, for someone who is getting an unexpected hand-job from their girlfriend, you're awfully uptight and stressed." The way I was whisper-breathing in his ear made Edward shiver. His eyes rolled back and he finally started to lose the look of worry that'd been killing my buzz. I decided to up the ante a little bit.
I scooted down on my bed until I could cover his chest in open-mouth kisses without having to bend my head in a strange angle. I started at his left collar bone, all the way across his bare and muscled chest to his right side. I felt him arching his back toward me. Still lazily stroking him, I took first his left, then his right nipple in my mouth, sucking and nibbling.
Slowly I made my way further down. Edward hissed and had started to squirm underneath me. I loved how I had this effect on him. It made me feel good about myself. I lingered around his belly button, circling my tongue around and around it. "Bellaaaaaaa ...," he panted. "Don't ... be a tease."
I couldn't see Edward's face but I felt his eyes burning into the back of my neck. The anticipation made me giddy and I had a million butterflies flying around in my stomach. With one long lick, I made a hot trail from where my mouth had been to the base of his cock where I softly bit in the hard flesh.
Before I even registered what was happening, Edward had pulled me back up and twisted me so I was on my back. He swung one leg over me and sat up, straddling me. His usually light green eyes were a dark emerald now. His intense gaze felt like a huge weight pressing down on me, a feeling I loved and craved.
He put his hands next to my shoulders and hovered over me. "What did I tell you about biting?" He cocked an eyebrow but I knew he didn't expect me to answer. "This is what we're going to do now, sweets." He hesitated for a second, checking to see if I was still with him. And God ... was I ever. Bossy Edward had me panting, wanting, longing, and soaking wet. I nodded my consent and relief washed over his face.
"I'm going to sit up in a minute. You're going to turn around and lie flat on your stomach. I want your hands on the headboard where I can see them. And Bella, whatever you do, don't move. Not one single inch!"
I nodded again, showing him I understood. I couldn't help but smile at him, too. I was in for a treat. Hell, we both were. I knew how Edward enjoyed taking charge like this every once in a while.
He sat up, giving me some space to turn around and then sat down on my thighs again, immobilizing me. I followed his instructions, putting my hands against the headboard and quietly waited for his next move. It didn't take too long before I sensed his hands moving over my skin, a feather-light touch, his fingers dancing over my back. I broke out in goosebumps.
When he reached my ass, he gave one firm slap before nudging his knee in between my legs. "Spread, love." Intoxicated by him, I did exactly as he told me, making room for him to kneel down between my thighs.
My nerves were on fire. We'd always been passionate and hot for each other, but this felt different. Edward was taking me to a place we'd never been before. I was aware of his every move, his every moan, his every twitch. My breath was ragged, my heart was racing and yet I wanted nothing more than to do what he told me; lie completely still.
Edward started to squeeze my thighs, going higher and higher with every grasp.
I took in a sharp breath of air when his thumb grazed over my aching clit.
"Edward ... fuck, babe ... I need you." I had a very hard time keeping my hands where Edward had wanted them. I wanted to reach back, pull his head next to mine and kiss the ever loving shit out of him while he pushed into me from behind.
"I need you too, love. Be patient."
Thank God!
He fumbled around until he got hold of a pillow and forced it underneath me at the level of my hips. I felt a little bit exposed but I trusted Edward and it wasn't an uncomfortable feeling at all.
I closed my eyes. I wanted to drown in my feelings, in our connection.
He slowly let one finger slide through my folds, moaning softly. With each stroke, he touched my clit, each time leaving me even more wanting. Right before I would've reached my point of no return, he stopped. I groaned and had to keep myself from turning around and pinning him to the bed so I could ride both of us to our climax.
"I know what you're thinking, love," Edward said accusingly. "And it's not going to happen." He scooted a little bit closer. "But I will put you out of your misery." The words had hardly left his mouth as he entered me in one swift motion, pushing as deep as he could.
"Mmmmm, sweets, you feel so, so good." He slowly started thrusting, picking up the pace after only a minute, knowing what I'd wanted from the beginning. He bent completely down, his sweaty chest against my back, his arms around my arms and his hands over mine against the headboard.
I started to push back against him, meeting his thrusts. We both were gasping and moaning. At this angle, Edward was constantly hitting my sweet spot and it drove me crazy. "Bella love, do you have any idea ... how much I like being inside you ..."
Another groan escaped me and if it wasn't for Edward keeping me down, I'd be thrashing around. The intensity was almost too much to handle. "Babe, can you ... please ... harder and faster." I wasn't exactly coherent anymore but I knew he'd heard me when he pushed himself back up a little bit, putting his hands flat on the mattress so he could push in deeper and faster.
"That's it, love. Take it all, all of me."
And I was done for. I bit my own arm to keep from screaming too loud, trying to get a hold of myself through my high. Edward kept up his fast pace, chasing his own release using my body. After a few more thrusts, his breath hitched and he stilled completely for a second before he started shaking violently. "Fuck, Bella ..." He shivered and fell down upon me.
We laid there for a few minutes trying to catch our breaths before I pushed back against him, urging him to move. He rolled to the side and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tight.
I tilted my head and kissed him, not ready to break the bond we'd just created. After a few minutes of post-orgasmic making out, I pulled back and looked straight into his beautiful green eyes.
"That was intense, baby. Thank you!"
~NBJB~
Dear Bella,
I love you. Please always remember I love you, no matter what. Just not the kind of love you want me to feel, that I want myself to feel. We've had an amazing time together. I've been happier than I've ever been during these months with you. And I thank you for them.
There's no easy way to say this. I can't be together with you anymore.
Please, I beg you, believe me when I say you did nothing wrong. We've had our little fights, who doesn't, but I know we've always been great as a couple. And maybe we still could be, but my heart wouldn't be in it, not like you deserve.
This is goodbye, Bella. For now at least. If you let me, I'd love it if we could still be friends someday.
I never meant to hurt you, and I'm sorry that I did.
Love,
Edward
May
It hurt.
I ached.
I couldn't breathe.
Why? Just ... why?
I felt empty. A shell. Broken. Not whole anymore. Abandoned. Alone.
All hope shattered in a million pieces again.
I took a look at the angry and swollen red lines on my hands, my thighs, my arms. I liked the pattern they formed on my skin, like a map. But this map's roads where leading to nowhere.
Who knew your own fingernails where that sharp? They should warn you for that shit! I'd only wanted that creepy feeling to go away. To scratch away the pain, the desperation. To scratch away him. When the physical pain had taken over the emotional pain, I'd felt an unbelievable feeling of relief wash over me. And then I hadn't been able to stop before my hands, legs and arms had been covered in blood. I wasn't deliberately hurting myself. I just was.
People worried, whispering behind my back. I didn't care.
"Bella, honey, please. You've got to eat something."
"Go away, Mom!"
Throat hoarse from crying, from screaming. From whispering 'please, come back to me' over and over again, night after night after night.
June
Every night's a million years
Since we're not together
Time is crawlin', crawlin'
Told myself I wouldn't call
Should've know better
Cause I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Catch my heart before it shatters
And make me live again
If you think baby after so long
That I'm over you baby you're so wrong
I want you back
Every time I kiss, I still kiss you
No matter who it is, I still miss you
I want you back in my life
I want you back in my life
Why haven't you come back yet? Fuck, I miss you!
~NBJB~
Nine weeks had passed since I'd found Edward's letter. I'd cried, screamed, crawled, begged. I'd shut everything and everyone out. I'd never felt this empty before. There was a hole in my chest, a raging void. Like a black hole, it had sucked all I had ever been to its core, swallowing it. Making it disappear.
~NBJB~
"Bella? Hello? Bella?"
My phone had been ringing and without thinking, I'd answered the call, too wrapped up in excruciating memories, too far gone to register what I was doing.
Kate!
"Kate ...?" I managed to whisper before going completely silent again. The only noise in my room that had been my refuge for the last two months was my ragged breathing, heavy with panic and disbelief. Why did I answer my phone?
"Oh my God, Bella. How are you?"
"I ... I can't ... I don't ..." I was trying, I really was.
Kate sounded really worried. I hadn't seen her or Rosalie, or anyone for that matter, since then. Somewhere in the back of my now twisted mind, I knew I would have to leave this bubble of misery I'd created. The last bit of sanity left in me had been eating away at me for a few days now. I realized that somehow I would have to find the strength to get up again, to live again.
"Bella, Rose and I are coming over," Kate said determinedly. "And I don't care how many times your mom says you're not up to it, we're not leaving this time."
Shit!
Alright ... This is it. Chapter one.
The song is I Want You Back by Natalia. You can find the song + lyrics on Youtube. She's a Belgian singer. She ended second in what I believe was the first edition of Belgian Idols.
This will probably be a 3 or 4 chapter story.
The original idea was to donate the whole story to this wonderful cause. But this is based on a true story and as I was writing, a lot of memories came back and it was getting way too long to write it all down in a one-shot. So this is what I've come up with.
There probably are some questions about how, when and where Bella found Edward's letter. This will be addressed in a later chapter.
Thank you for reading. I'm apologizing to those who already wanted to see Jasper in this. I wanted him to be here too ... desperately. But it turned out different. Sorry! Be patient though, he won't stay away for too long.