Idiomatic Interactions
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Summary: "You, Uchiha Sasuke, are the most cruel, heartless, unfeeling ice-block I have ever met!" Little did Sakura know that her spontaneous accusation had set into motion a series of unprecedented and chaotic thoughts in the frigid closed-off heart of a certain Uchiha.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything. Apologies for any English phrases I may have butchered accidentally.
A/N: This fic got a little delayed (read: a couple of years), since I put unfinished works and Itahina on priority (which I never finished, then lost to phone death). The sad thing about plot-bunnies is that they tend to multiply like... well, rabbits; especially when you have no time to work on them.
On another note, Happy 2016!
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Ichiraku Ramen – second home to Uzumaki Naruto – was the Number One spot for Team 7's post-mission meetings. It was a place where they could unwind, converse, and bond as a team while sharing a hot meal.
In typical Team 7 fashion, this bonding involved a lot of shouting, fighting and lethal weaponry.
"You, Uchiha Sasuke, are the most cruel, heartless, unfeeling ice-block I have ever met!", the pink-haired medic screamed, hands on hips, glaring, chakra engulfing her whole body like a 5'5″ avenging demon.
Said unfeeling ice-block stared back emotionlessly.
Turning abruptly, Sakura grabbed her blond teammate's collar, "Let's go Naruto!"
Sasuke watched in bemused silence as Naruto's eyes widened comically; he could see the blond's tiny brain debate between his 17 incomplete bowls of ramen (all fully paid for) and a potential outing with his lady love.
In the end, Sakura won out, though Naruto managed to snag a bowl of the self-proclaimed ambrosia before their pink-haired teammate dragged him out.
Good riddance to both, Sasuke smirked to himself.
…
A few hours later, Sasuke was not so pleased.
After lunch, he had busied himself with training, yet (quite unwillingly) Sakura's words would not leave his head.
Quite ironic, indeed. Her endless declarations of love had fallen entirely on deaf ears, but her impulsive rejection had sent Sasuke into a meditative stupor.
The Uchiha shook his head in frustration. He was relieved that Sakura was giving up her not-so-innocent designs for him, and yet… something about her confrontation unsettled him.
Sakura was giving up on him.
Oh course, she didn't exactly say so; it was entirely possible that she would come back, apologizing with her tail between her legs.
Or, she might not.
The possibility shook him at a fundamental level.
All girls in the village had a crush on Uchiha Sasuke.
A vain thought, but a true one nonetheless. From infancy, Sasuke had been the centre of female attention, the object of their affections, the man of their dreams.
Yet, this may not last forever, if the day's incident was a portent of things to come.
To put it simply, Sakura's denouncement had inflicted Sasuke with a sudden urge to reassure himself of his irresistibility.
Sasuke was not ready for marriage, or indeed a romantic relationship on any level; but his prospective bride, the future Uchiha matriarch (whomsoever she may be) might possibly grow weary of his lack of interest and general inactivity.
(It was certainly a possibility, if even infatuated Sakura could tire of the pointless chase and give up on her dreams of consummating her (one-sided) affections with the ex-Avenger.)
After all, any woman possessing the qualities expected of an Uchiha matriarch would be in high demand. It simply would not do to have his future wife spirited away by a less satisfactory candidate while he sat around twiddling his thumbs.
Figuratively, of course, because an Uchiha would never twiddle his thumbs.
Mind made up, Sasuke strode purposefully out of the training grounds, determined to locate, assess and woo the future mother of his children.
It was only after an hour of fruitless wandering that he realized he had no idea how to go about Step One.
…
In retrospect, perhaps the Book of Wise Words was not the right way to go. Sasuke has been disillusioned by the brag on the cover: Everything you need for a fulfilled life – sayings to remember for a good career, success, marriage and friendships!
In all fairness, he had initially begun with the book on teenage romance; however the sappy nonsense had convinced him that women were impossible to understand and co-habitation was a potential disaster. That book nearly had him doubting the sanity of his quest for a future wife.
No, better to stick to general life advice. After all, the creation of a Clan was as much a political and administrative task as it was a romantic one.
Besides, he would rather kill himself than let a girl like that book's heroine enter his clan.
Sighing, the Uchiha quickly flipped pages, using his Sharingan to speed-read and skip to the important bits. A miniscule but powerful saying caught his attention.
Opposites attract.
Hmm… if that was true, then even a one-sided attraction has the potential to develop into a compatible union. Sasuke wasn't attracted to anybody (of course), but if his potential wife were attracted to him, then it would be so much easier to marry her and get her going on clan restoration.
Well, there were hardly any girls not attracted to him… but still, the attraction of opposites could result in something stable, a perfectly balanced relationship. (He resolutely did not think of the Yin-Yang motif in the romance book. Uchiha Sasuke refused to be a sap.)
Yamanaka Ino had been in the forefront among his posse of fangirls, and Sakura's greatest rival, or at least, so they claimed. (Sakura's habit of punching as a display of affection made things very confusing.)
Sasuke was calm, collected and aloof. Ino was loud, boisterous, and entirely too nosy for her own good. As far as opposites went, they were perfect.
Very well. Ino was pretty enough, and Sasuke could always stuff his ears when she tried talking to him.
Sasuke staked out the Yamanaka flower shop. His mother raised him to be a proper man, even if she would be rolling in her grave at his treatment of Sakura; and she taught Sasuke that flowers were an essential part of the courtship ritual. Briefly, he wondered whether it was acceptable to ask the girl at the flower shop what flowers he was supposed to get her to ensure her willingness to contribute to the restoration of his Clan.
A bell tinkled when he entered. Every customer in the shop promptly looked up and gaped at him.
Sasuke was already regretting this.
To his relief, his potential bride stepped out from behind a counter obscured by pots of varying shapes and sizes.
"Sasuke-kun?" Her voice clearly showed her bewilderment; she was too shocked to even flirt with him. "Why are you here… er, I mean, um, how can I help you?"
Sasuke frowned. Uchiha were not supposed to show their emotions. Even his mother could put on a resolute mask before Clan meetings. The sheer openness of the girl's face was grating on his (already rattled) nerves.
Lazily, he drawled, "I'm here to get flowers."
Sudden understanding cleared Ino's face, and she nodded, even going so far as to pat his arm; the nerve of her!
Sasuke frowned, aversion to her touch could pose problems in the *cough cough* clan restoration process.
Ino noticed his disquiet at the physical contact, but she seemed to misunderstand it entirely. Instead of backing away, the Yamanaka gave the aforementioned arm a reassuring squeeze. In a cloyingly sympathetic tone, she asked, "Ah… they're for Sakura, aren't they?"
Sasuke blinked. Where had she gotten that idea?
Not waiting for a response, Ino began to bustle (thankfully letting him go), randomly picking out flower arrangements and only to put them back. "Don't worry Sasuke-kun, I'll find you the perfect apology bouquet!"
"Apology?" Sasuke could not fathom why he would need an apology bouquet of all things. Did he already break some unspoken courting rule? Wait, did she even know he was courting her?
Probably not.
"Sakura is fond of roses… and no message can can say I'm sorry and you are precious to me like white orchids. Add some pink carnations, and your bouquet will be perfect!"
Ah, so his bride-to-be thought that the flowers was meant to soothe the heart of a rejected female. Best to clarify that misunderstanding as soon as possible.
"They are not for Sakura", he stated tersely, not willing to waste more time on Sakura's (annoying) rejection. Briefly, he wondered whether to add 'they are for you so you will marry me' but was hesitant to be so forward. Those things were meant for the third date, weren't they?
Ino stood shock-still, her (never-stopping) mouth puckered into a small frown. "They're not for Sakura?" she asked, a strange edge to her voice that set Sasuke on the defensive.
Irritated (more with himself than with her), Sasuke retorted bitterly, "Why should I apologize to Sakura? She was the one who yelled stuff at me and then left. Frankly, I'm relieved that she's no longer going to tag along and bother me like a love-struck puppy."
Ino's glare was pure fury. Sasuke belatedly realized that perhaps his response was slightly lacking in tact.
"Oh really? So you think that all the insults and scorn you piled on your teammate for all these years, all your rude behaviour that she patiently put up with out of her concern and affection, none of those require an apology? Always demonstrating that she was beneath your notice, a waste of your time, a liability for the team… do you think those actions were justified?" Ino was shaking in anger, her fists clenched at her side. "Does her happiness not matter to you at all?"
Sasuke frowned. Ino was speaking down her nose at him, forcing him to think of things he'd rather not consider, stirring a vague feeling of… guilt within him.
She shook her head in ultimate rejection. "You, Sasuke-kun, are a prick."
She was putting the flowers back, not bothering to ask whether Sasuke actually wanted the flowers or who they were for (since they clearly were not for Sakura). Never mind though, Sasuke no longer wanted to give her any flowers, nor did he want to court her. It's her loss, he sniped grumpily (in his head), and turned to leave.
His hand was on the doorknob when Ino spoke again. "You may not regret it now, Sasuke-kun; but there will come a time when you'd wish you'd swallowed your damn pride and said sorry. Someday, you will need her, and she won't be there. Someday, you will know how valuable Sakura really is."
The guilt returned with full force, but Ino wasn't done yet. "You might think that keeping people at a distance is good for your heart, but eventually all you'll feel is loneliness. Someday, you will not want to life a solitary life anymore; but no one will want you, because you pushed them away and they found others who cherished them like you should have."
"Mark my words, Sasuke-kun. If you insist on being alone, then you'll also die alone."
Ino rather looked like she was going to kill him, Sasuke sweat-dropped. Yet her emotions struck true, in a secluded corner of his heart that longed for his dead family.
Well, that makes finding a wife all the more important, he thought to himself. He walked out of the disastrous encounter with his head held high and Uchiha arrogance firmly in place.
And yet, his mind would not ease its disquiet.
…
Birds of the same feather flock together.
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Anko would be his next target.
Technically, they were of the same scales, seeing as they had both been under Orochimaru's tutelage; but it was somewhat the same principle anyways. He had learnt the hard way that sayings were not to be taken too literally.
Regrettably, she was slightly on the older side; but perhaps her experience would (hopefully) pre-empt her from the immaturity of Ino and Sakura.
"What do you want, brat?"
Anko was brutual, forthright and direct. Sasuke was relieved to dispense with his mother's vague lessons and go for the straightforward shinobi way. However, a small part of him rankled at her disrespectful form of address. He really could not imagine Anko ever addressing him as My Lord Husband.
Nevertheless, she was strong; and Sasuke valued strength. "Spar with me."
One thing he learnt very quickly about Anko – she was crazy.
Perhaps not as crazy as she could have been, given what (who) she had unfortunately been exposed to in her (clearly) impressionable years. However, Sasuke doubted that Oroachimaru's influence could have caused this much brain damage.
Damn.
His opponent took advantage of his distraction to land a successful nick on his cheek, nearly taking away a chunk of his gorgeous Uchiha locks. Smirking evilly, she proceeded to lick his blood from her kunai.
Sasuke was slightly disturbed.
Not by her blood-lust; that was perfectly acceptable. But the licking… loathe as he was to admit it, he found the woman creepy.
She swung a punch towards his face; it was unwomanly, ugly, almost Naruto-ish. He blocked her swing with his chakra-reinforced palm, splitting her skin.
The blood seemed to please her.
"Twin Snakes Mutual Death Technique!"
Shit.
Two snakes began to crawl out of her sleeve, encircling his wrist and extinguishing the chakra palm. One wrapped itself around his waist and crushed his ribs, the other squeezing his neck and choking him.
He future bride chuckled evilly. Sasuke thought it was unfair; didn't Orochimaru have a patent on that deranged noise?
"I've rendered you completely immobile." She snorted. "Come on, I thought you had been trained by Orochimaru himself? Surely you could do better than that!"
She laughed, a harsh braying voice than rankled his delicate Uchiha sensibilities. She was baiting him! How, ugh… how crass of her!
(Sasuke refuses to consider his double standards. He's very good at that.)
"Well" Anko shrugged, her eyes glinted predatorily, "it was quite entertaining….."
Sasuke froze. The snake around his neck had slithered unto his bare chest (damn the open shirt!). "Maybe" Anko leaned towards him, fangs bared "…we should do this again sometime."
The second snake squeezed his ass.
NO FREAKING WAY.
No way in hell would he let this freak give birth to or raise his progeny.
Through sheer will and bloodline power, Sasuke freed himself, grabbed the snakes, and tied them together (hopefully choking them).
Swiftly, before Anko could react, he knocked her out with the Sharingan.
To be on the safe side, he cleaned his blood off her kunai. Whatever she had already ingested (shudder)was permanently out of his reach, but the rest he could do something about. No need for her to have Uchiha blood handy… just in case she was more like Orochimaru than the Hokage gave her credit for.
He went home. He had enough of searching for a while.
He needed at least a thousand baths to get the revolting sensations off his skin.
…
The second failed attempt was serious (horrifying) enough to merit a break. For Sasuke – driven, focused Sasuke who loathed delaying tactics like breaks – the respite merely increased his jitteriness.
Target practice wasn't helping. Meditation was impossible. His chakra fluctuated wildly as he relived those dreadful encounters in his mind.
Sitting amidst innumerable ramen bowls in Naruto's dirty hovel of a house, Sasuke attributed all these reasons for his temporary insanity. His brain was clearly addled if he had hoped that the blond idiot could help.
-and Gaara's sister Temari is kick-ass! She's got awesome Wind techniques, and she'll pound your ass if you dare go emo on her or try leaving the village again!" When he had reluctantly admitted the purpose of his quest (and did not seek help, of course not!), Naruto insisted on extolling the virtues of all suitable women in the village, and outside it. Unfortunately, his perception on 'virtues' was horribly skewed. As to be expected from a guy who chased after Sakura, the Uchiha griped bitterly.
"I do NOT want you help." Sasuke snarled, refusing to recall that he had asked for it in the first place.
"But teme~" Naruto whined, "since me and Sakura-chan are dating-"
"What gave you such an impression?" Surely the blond couldn't have made so much progress in one day, could he? Not when Sasuke was having such a bad streak…
The demon fox rubbed the back of his head, grinning sheepishly. "Well, she sorta pulled me along with her the whole morning, and we even had lunch together..."
"The lunch she pulled you out of?" Sasuke could be called the Sannin of the Sceptical Eyebrow.
"Eh? No." Naruto broke out into an infuriatingly wide smile. "Sakura-chan said that she was sick of ramen, so we went to the barbeque place!"
"Hn." The fact that Sakura had not used her quota of pounding Naruto's skull spoke multitudes in the progress of their 'relationship'. Sasuke awarded Naruto a brief nod in recognition of his perseverance, mentally shaking his head as he wondered why Sakura of all people.
A mischievous glint overcame the embarrassment in Naruto's sky-blue eyes; an expression which foretold a quick exit for the Uchiha. "Ne Sasuke-teme, since I sorta have a girlfriend and you don't, that means I'm technically your senpai, and I should be givin' ya advice!"
Sasuke snorted, "No, you're not". Meeting the blond's eyes in clear challenge, he scorned, "Because Sakura doesn't really count as a girl."
The two headed to the training grounds after that, with Naruto dead-set on avenging the sully to his sort-of girlfriend's feminine charms. Sasuke was rather pleased by the success of his simplistic bait, eager to work out his frustrations on Naruto.
After all, if Sakura was no longer beating Naruto to shape, then Sasuke was more than happy to fulfill the quota.
…
They met Sai at the training grounds, and Naruto proceeded to relate exactly how Sasuke's day went in an obnoxiously loud voice. Sasuke trusted his replacement to a certain degree, true; but that did not mean he was okay with airing his personal business in front of the emotionless ninja. Unlike Naruto, Sasuke had not forgotten where Sai's allegiances once lay.
Currently, Naruto was slapping Sasuke in the back (for which the Uchiha would take revenge soon) and laughing. "Sasuke's almost as bad as you with emotions, Sai! He went to the library and got this book on how to find girls, would you believe that! Man, maybe I hafta help both you guys get into serious relationships like mine."
Naruto was deluded. And possibly insane. Sakura deserved him, the Uchiha thought spitefully.
Sai examined the book which Sasuke was still carrying around for reasons unknown. "Ah yes, I remember that book. I have referred to it myself on several occasions, though admittedly not for the task you are currently attempting."
Sasuke did not like the inflectionless word 'attempting'. He rather suspected the pale ninja was mocking him.
Sai pondered for a minute, and then said, "I have only one piece of advice, which is coincidentally from that very book. Every cloud has a silver lining, so you shouldn't give up, Sasuke-kun. No matter how impossible your quest seems."
Sai's advice earns the former Root member a book in the face.
…
Suddenly, Sakura was looking like a very good prospect again. Ino's words were roiling within his brain.
Sasuke hated this.
…
Sasuke regretted throwing the sayings book at Sai's face. It was infinitely more suited to breaking Kakashi's nose. Or teeth. Anything to stop his former sensei from giving advice.
He briefly wondered how Kakashi found out about his goals, but then realized that his sensei was rather fond of spying on his little charges. And Naruto was loud.
"You know, when I was younger, I was a genin just like you." Kakashi started solemnly.
Sasuke scoffed.
"Well... I wasn't a genin for long", Kakashi amended, "but you know what I mean."
The Copy-Cat Ninja shrugged. "I had the same aloof, cool image. The girls thought I was awesome, but I never paid them any attention. A late bloomer, in that way..." He gave a self-deprecating chuckle. "Well, by the time I really began to appreciate a kunoichi's assets" – he gestured to his porn – "they had all passed over me, coz I was no longer, you know, the thing."
Naruto was in so much trouble. The previous injuries from training were not enough; Sasuke was going to pound him into the ground. It would only be fitting repayment for being the cause of Sasuke's current torture.
The silver-haired jounin met his pupil's eyes with utter seriousness. "I'm telling you this, Sasuke, because you might very well end up just like me, with only noisy genin brats and porn to keep you busy."
It sounded disturbingly like Ino's prediction, only with less emotions and more pervy-ness.
Sasuke would really have preferred if Kakashi was tormenting him. Kakashi giving what sounded like genuine, life-experience advice only made his situation feel all that more dismal.
Cheering up, the jounin added, "On the other hand, I have a couple of very good books that you could borrow, whenever, you know, you are feeling, ah, er- frustrated, and need a quick-"
Kakashi did not receive a book in the face. What he received was a mutilated first-edition collection when he got back to his secret stash of Icha-Icha.
…
Sasuke needed peace. Complete utter silence free from nosy blonds and disturbing senseis.
(Very disturbing senseis, he shuddered.)
He was currently relaxing (not hiding) in a Zen garden on the outskirts of the old district. It was a small, isolated place with nothing of significance around to disrupt the flow of chi. It was an oasis of calm, and Sasuke could feel the tension leaving his shoulders. His headache subsided, and he felt grounded for the first time in the day. The best thing about the place was that it was completely secret and Naruto did not know of it.
(A short break, he promised himself, and then he would find a wife and restore his clan and not become like Kakashi.)
Or perhaps not so secret.
The irritatingly loud voice of Team 8's Dog-Boy disturbed the blissful, blessed silence. "Why do you spend so much time in this ol' fashioned dull garden, Hinata-chan? There's lot more free space to run around and have fun on the training grounds. Its not like there are any pretty flowers around, either."
A part of Sasuke was raise his voice and snark that it was a Zen garden, so of course there wouldn't be any flowers. The training grounds were for training (surely that was obvious), and not for frolicking around like a bunch of Academy students. A larger portion of his violent (frustrated, ugh) subconscious urged him to properly punish the ingrate for his casual dismissal of the peaceful, pristine sanctuary.
A small, teeny-weeny portion was curious as to the Hyuuga's answer. And she didn't disappoint. "Ano… I like to meditate, Kiba-kun. H- Haven't you heard the saying, that silence is golden?"
Smiling serenely, the Hyuuga heiress raised her head to the sky, letting her long indigo locks fly around her face, her eyes bright with happiness and peace.
If Sasuke's heart truly was made of ice, maybe all he needed was a little sunshine.
…
The real motto is "Third Time Lucky" :)
In my head, the Kakashi bit is titled 'Misery loves company'.
I really like Ino. She was supposed to give Sasuke love advice, but threats seem more her style. I have plans to write a KakashiXIno crackfic, hopefully sometime soon. And by soon, I mean within the next two years, of course.
BTW, Sunflowers symbolize adoration, loyalty and longevity. Exactly what Sasuke is looking for.