Four Villains and a Drive-Thru

Hey there, folks! L1701E here, and I had a funny idea for this weird little one-shot. Basically, four Marvel Comics villains decide to order McDonalds. Good luck to them. There may be some OOC moments. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel Comics, and I don't know who owns McDs, but it sure ain't me! I wish I did, then I'd get free Big Macs for life. Mmmm…Big Macs…

On the way to a drive-thru McDonalds

It was a sunny day in New York City. And four people were driving in a gray van. Behind the wheel was a bald pointy-headed man dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. In the passenger seat was a beautiful red-headed Amazonian woman reading a newspaper. The man was Carl "Crusher" Creel, aka the Absorbing Man. The woman was Mary "Skeeter" McPherran, aka Titania, the World's Strongest Woman. In the back seat sat two other known supercriminals. One was a fish-like man in an orange-and-purple costume with a huge fin on the hood and back. He was Todd Arliss, a former Olympic swimmer who got genetically mutated into a half-man half-fish called Tiger Shark. The final passenger was a wan in a quilted brown-and-yellow costume with vibro-shock gauntlets on his hands and lower arms. He was born Herman Schultz, but he was known as the Shocker. Now, one may believe that seeing these four known costumed criminals together may signal trouble. But that was another day.

"We're goin' to McDonalds, We're goin' to McDonalds!" The four villains sang.

"Man, I could eat a million of those Filet-O-Fish." Tiger Shark grinned, revealing his sharp teeth. He was rubbing his stomach.

"When I was a kid, I held a school record for Most Big Macs Eaten In An Hour." Shocker smiled under his mask. "That was the only class in school I didn't flunk."

"You suck, Schultz." Tiger Shark snickered.

"At least I can walk down the street without fishmongers chasing me." Shocker jeered.

"That was one time!" Tiger Shark snapped.

"One time?" Shocker repeated in a voice that indicated that the half-man half-fish was lying through his sharp teeth. "Yeah, and I was with Angelina Jolie last night." Tiger Shark growled.

"You ain't so tough without your fancy air shooters!" Tiger Shark snapped.

"You wanna test that?" Shocker challenged.

"Hey knock it off back there!" Creel snapped. "Last time I had a fight break out in a vehicle, I had to get a new one!"

"Man Creel, you've really gotten soft since you got married." Tiger Shark snorted, crossing his arms. Shocker rolled his eyes.

"Arliss, he married the World's Strongest Woman. That ain't getting soft in my book."

"You want a fist in your mouth?" Titania asked sweetly with a smile, holding up her fist.

"If I were you, I wouldn't cross her, Halibut Boy." Shocker snickered.

"Bite me, Slapper." Tiger Shark grumbled back.

"At least we're not driving with the Wrecking Crew." Titania grumbled. "Those guys are complete morons."

"Yeah." Creel agreed. "And they say I'm stupid. I took Piledriver an hour to figure out that a No.1 and a Big Mac are the same thing!"

"And you think those two are much better?" Titania snickered.

"Bite me, Wonder Bra." Tiger Shark sneered.

"Oh, man…" Shocker groaned.

"You really do have a death wish, you know that?" Titania growled.

"Let's just shut up and get our McDonalds so we can go home." Absorbing Man grumbled. "We've all had a tough day."

"Who whupped you this week?" Shocker wondered.

"Thor. Again." Absorbing Man grumbled. "You?"

"Spidey. Again." Shocker sighed. "It sucks! I wish I'd never have to see that smart-alec again! ARGH!"

"Heh heh, you all suck." Tiger Shark laughed.

"At least I never had my butt handed to me by a half-fish jerk in a green speedo!" Shocker snapped.

"At least I never got my butt handed to me by a punk kid in red-and-blue Spider-Jammies!" Tiger Shark snapped back.

"I'm sure he's whooped everyone at least once." Shocker sneered. "He's fought and/or met everyone! Well…except maybe the Hellfire Club." Titania watched the two argue. She sighed.

"They're like kids." Titania sighed.

"Why do you think I'm not too wild about the idea of being a father right now?" Creel muttered. Times like this, I wish I didn't reform myself after the time I accidentally turned myself into glass and the Hulk shattered me. "Hey, the McDs!"

"Knock it off, you morons!" Titania snapped. "We're here!" The van drove up to the drive-thru ordering speaker.

Inside the restaurant

"Dude, let's mess 'em up!" One freckled employee snickered at another.

Back with the bad guys

"Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?" The speaker crackled.

"Yes, I'd like a large Big Mac meal with a Diet Coke." Creel ordered. "What do you guys want?"

"And then?" The speaker answered.

"I'll have a Caesar salad with a large Sprite." Titania answered, not looking up from her paper.

"And then?"

"Give me 20 Filet-O-Fishes…" Tiger Shark started. Shocker groaned. "…and a Coke."

"And then?"

"Are we going to be able to afford that?" Shocker blinked.

"I got money!" Tiger Shark growled.

"I thought you already pawned your medals." Shocker smirked. "Give me a medium number one, please."

"And then?" The speaker crackled.

"Uhm…Oh yeah! And a 9-piece chicken nuggets!" Shocker added.

"And then?"

"A Coke. Thank you." Shocker waved.

"How much is all that?" Creel blinked.

"And then?" The speaker crackled.

"That's all. Thank you. How much is it and where do we pick it up?" Creel asked the speaker.

"And then?"

"That's all."

"And then?"

"We're done!" Creel snapped.

"And then?"

"What's going on?" Shocker blinked. The exchange continued for a few minutes, and Creel was losing his patience.

"And then?" The speaker crackled.

"No and then!" Creel snapped.

"And then?"

"No and then!"

"And then?"

"No and then!"

"And then?"

"Hey! Dude! I'm hungry!" Tiger Shark whined.

"Shut up!" Creel snapped. "No and then!"

"And then?"

"Buddy, I just want to get the food and leave, okay? We're hungry here!" Creel snapped.

"What's that guy's problem?" Titania muttered.

"Probably some stupid punk wanting to be funny." Shocker muttered, crossing his arms as Creed continued arguing with the speaker. "I did the same thing when I worked at a fast food place as a kid. Got me fired, but I had a huge laugh."

"Yeah, but you never had the Absorbing Man as a customer." Tiger Shark snickered.

"Where's your manager?" Creed yelled at the speaker. "I'll have him fire you, you little punk!"

"And then?" The speaker snickered.

"DO YOU WANT ME TO HURT YOU?" Creed yelled at the speaker. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'VE SLAPPED AROUND THOR! FREAKIN' THOR! YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH ME, CHUMP!"

"Hey jerk!" Titania yelled. "This isn't funny anymore! We just wanna eat!"

"And then?"

"You say 'And then' one more time!" Creel shook his fist at the speaker. "Come on! One more!"

"And…then." The speaker cracked defiantly.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAR!" Creel roared. He smashed the speaker with his fist. "NOW GIMME MY FOOD! OR YOUR FACE IS NEXT, PAL!"

"Bzzzz…Food…$35.50…" The speaker struggled to put out.

"Thank you." Titania thanked sweetly. The four supervillains drove past the windows, paying for the food, and picking it up. They then noticed four heroes sitting in the McDs, having lunch: Captain America, Spider-Man, Human Torch, and She-Hulk. The two groups just blinked at each other.

"Calm down, Titania." Shocker and Tiger Shark quickly moved to calm down the fuming Amazon.

"Let's not do anything…don't say anything…I'm just driving…" Creel drove out slowly, repeating his words in a mantra. "Just driving…Just driving…Just driving…" Tiger Shark looked at one of his Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

"Hey! I asked for no tartar sauce! AAAAARGH! CURSE YOU, DISEMBODIED VOICE!"

"Shut up!" Shocker snapped.

The End