It's not my best work, but it's meant to be funny!
So, Kat_The_Hetalia_fan over on Ao3 and I watched a John oliver video on sex ed (It's funny, if you haven't watched his video's on youtube you should. his one on the Canadian election had me in tears for laughing) And it cause me to actually look up one of the women mentioned, Pam Stenzel. I watched one of her video's and was ranting to Kat at how horrible it sounded, and somehow we wound up dreaming up "red white and blue-balls" passing back and forth a lot of things that could happen. and HERE IT IS! finally!
To clarify, I'm not bashing abstinence, Abstain all you like! awesome! valid choice for sure! but shaming people into it? No... No that I'm not okay with.
"Alfred, that's terrible. Please tell me this isn't a real thing... " Matthew said, pausing the video.
The American personification looked at him confused. "What are you talking about? this is great! more kids need to see this!"
"Al no…" Matthew said dropping his hands into his face "You and Arthur keep fighting over the top teen pregnancy rates, are you not seeing that this doesn't work!?"
"pfft, you don't know what your talkin' about Mattie, Abstinence only programs so work!"
"Alfred… really? you really believe this? You don't see the harm?! telling someone they're worth less if they have sex before marriage?! You only just legalized gay marriage for maple's sake!"
"Yeah, so?"
Matthew looked at him like he was waiting for Alfred to get something obvious... he had no idea what Mattie was on about. The video had been great! She pointed out so many things! why shouldn't kids be taught to save that for someone special!
Honestly he couldn't stomach the thought of the children of his nation doing any of that… Not before they were adults and married! so what if it took a little tough love. Maybe that girl'll think twice about laying down if she thinks she's a piece of chewed gum or whatever. Obviously she would know she' not!
Matthew's look continued until he finally sighed and nodded. "Okay Al, Maybe you're right" Matthew said, causing Alfred to smile
"I knew you'd see it my way, Mattie!" Alfred said cheerfully.
"Oh completely." Matthew said standing up and moving towards the stairs that lead to his bedroom. "Which is exactly why I'm taking a vow of abstinence right now."
"That's great Mattie I- wait, what?" Alfred said head whipping around. "but… but you just mean… you and I still…?"
"oh that won't be happening again anytime soon!" Matthew chuckled "you know where the guest room is right?" Matthew asked sweetly.
"But Matthew, we aren't even humans" He tried. Half the reason he came up here was for that… well.. and ya know, he loved Mattie but god damn it had been a six week dry spell already thanks to meetings and clashing schedules . Alfred usually didn't go more than a week without Matthew, ever!
"No, we aren't" Matthew mused "But lead by example right? besides… I wouldn't want you to be with one of those boys who'll be with anything that walks right?"
"M-Mattie come on! this isn't funny"
Matthew continued up the stair, calling down "Hey, Maybe I should call Arthur or Francis, see if you're even suitable to date, goodness knows where I would be without older male family members approval! Oh god! how horrible I've been!" The door to his bedroom shut and Alfred was left in the quiet of the living room.
He wasn't completely stupid, the video probably wasn't the best idea… but he had been excited. He sighed and trudged over to his bag, grabbing it and heading to the guest room. Matthew would totally be over this by morning. It would all blow over and they'd have sex on the kitchen table, Alfred would even incorporate maple syrup!
The next morning Alfred was sure thing were back to normal. Matthew had to be just as horny as he was, especially with dem shorts… oh god, how did he even get those over his magnificent hockey players ass?!
Alfred came up behind him in the kitchen, hands landing on the bare hips Matthew's tied up t-shirt showed off, lips going to his neck, made bare but the hair tie keeping falls of blonde off his face, "Good morning Mattie~ someone else got up early to- ow! what the hell!?" Matthew had smacked him in the head with a spatula.
The scantily clad blonde turned around with a scowl as Alfred back off a few steps, he was now wielding the utensil like a weapon "Alfred, what do you think you're doing?! trying to steal my purity?!" he snapped.
Alfred's jaw dropped and his eyes went wide. Matthew's purity? The guy who crawled under the desk at the last meeting to suck him off for kicks? No one who could do the things Matthew could with his mouth should be called pure!
"Mattie, baby you can't be serious about this!" Alfred whined. "It was just a video!"
"Yeah i know" Matthew said turning back around and cocking his hip to put weight all on the one leg, the other bent slightly… Alfred really wanted to toss the other on the counter and bite the inside of that thigh… but Matthew continued "But it's what you believe Alfie, well… I don't want you to think of me as a whore." He flipped the pancake
"We've already been sleeping together for a century!" He argued.
"I know! I've been giving it away for that long" Matthew said with a sigh "I was so misguided. I'm lucky you could show me the right path Alfie~"
Alfred wanted to cry. His eyes throughout the conversation still fixated on Matthew's ass had caused a painful hard-on. He intended to argue this further when there was a knock on the door.
"Oh good they're here!" Matthew said shoving the spatula into Alfred hands eyes narrowing "If you burn my pancakes, I won't be responsible for my actions" he warned before smiling again and talking off for the door. It swung open and Alfred could hear Matthew exclaim "Arthur! Papa! Thank you so much for coming!"
Alfred groaned why were they here?! Matthew's words the night before came back as he flipped a pancake. oh no… he hadn't actually been serious had he?! that wasn't fair!
"Of course Mon petite chou! As your older brother's we are only too thrilled! Isn't that right rosbif?"
He could hear Arthur hum "yes well, anything for you Matthew, dear" The Brit sounded way to excited for Alfred liking.. he finished off the pancakes flipping them onto the already ridiculous pile on the plate and walked cautiously out into the living room where Matthew was practically hanging off Francis.
"Hey Alfie, My big brothers wanna talk to you~" He said with a sweet smile and Alfred could almost taste the passive aggression there.
He crossed his arms. "You realized they're my brothers too Mattie"
Matthew furrowed his brow "That's a good point… you know… I wonder what your nation's stance on incest is" he hissed and cringed, Alfred's eyes went wide
"W-well it's not like it's blood relation or anything! It's not-! that's not the point!" Matthew giggled and Alfred watched as both Francis and Arthur snickered. they were enjoying this. he looked at Francis's hand that was resting on Matthew's waist and narrowed his eyes "And why are you letting him touch you?"
Matthew frowned "Papa wouldn't do anything Alfie… he even brought me this" Matthew held up his left hand, a white gold ring sat there, a heart with a cross inside it "It's a purity ring!"
"What?! Francis really, You?!" Alfred half shouted in shock. That old pervert was playing along to this degree?!
Francis frowned and scoffed "Yes Alfred, unlike some people present, I respect Matthew's decision" It was Arthur's turn to scoff "If mon peitite Matthieu wants to express his love in other ways, I most certainly would not force anything on him!"
"Thank you Francis" Matthew said looking genuinely touched
"That being said," He added turning to the younger blonde, a finger under his chin to angle his face, looking into his eyes "I would never turn you down if you were to… change your mind"
Matthew's eyes went wide and his face went red. Alfred was about to blow a fuse when Arthur beat him to it, grabbing Francis's collar and hauling him away "That's enough of that you wine guzzling pervert!"
Matthew took a step away from the two still beet red and Arthur sighed casting a look at Francis before crossing his arms. he looked over at Alfred with a smirk, "Well then git, have a seat, let's get to this"
Matthew smiled at them, apparently recovered from his embarrassment, "now be nice guys~" He said, moving to give Arthur a kiss on the cheek, Francis looking a little put out when he didn't get one. Alfred could sympathize, " Don't worry babe " Matthew added "you can keep courting me as long as they say it's okay. I mean… I have no idea what you might be doing where I can't see right?"
With that Matthew started walking towards the kitchen Alfred lost in the sway of hips.
"Oi! eyes over here you bloody tea wasting yank" Arthur snapped before grumbling "bout time that boy came to his senses and cut you off. horrible taste"
Alfred choose not to rise to the bait and sat, the other two following suit
"So you do not think he is a good match for our dear sweet little brother than Arthur?" Francis asked, leaning back and crossing his arms and legs
Arthur huffed "Of course he's not! Git could never measure up to someone of Matthew's caliber! a good loyal country. never sticks his nose in, always helps"
"Not to mention he has much better manners" Francis added nodding "and he seems to have slightly better eating habits,"
Alfred's mouth was opened in offense "But none of that has anything to do with If I'm good for Mattie! What about the fact that I defend him? Or that I see him when you don't, or that i know how he like's his timmies, or our undefended border?! I don't even hit him with baseballs all that often anymore!" He said exasperated.
"that's true I suppose…" Arthur said "I'm still not sure."
"And how many other nations are you expressing your affections for physically?" Francis asked, examining his nails.
"None! None okay! It's only been Mattie for.. well… a really really long time!" Alfred said, he was still a little confused as to WHY he had to prove himself to these morons… but if it got him into those shorts…
"And do you intend to respect Matthew's wishes for abstaining?" Arthur asked, eyes narrowed.
"I… well… I don't really have a choice do I?!" he snapped
"Now now… no need to get testy… Rosbif, do we really want someone with such a short fuse around our precious brother?"
"mmm I'm not sure Francis… perhaps not."
"Oh come on!" Alfred exclaimed.
"What is with all the shouting?" Matthew came out frowning, pancakes and syrup in hand.
"I have no clue pet… is he always so short?" Arthur asked, a look of concern on his face.
"Well.. only now and then… usually he's pretty calm but…" Tears welled in his eyes and Alfred felt like he was going to cry "W-what if he's only been calm cause he's getting w-what he w-w-wants from me?" Francis and Arthur stood, Arthur taking the food while Francis hugged Matthew close, both older nations shaking their heads at him.
This was not fucking happening.
But it was. Even once Francis and Arthur left with a grudging approval, It kept up… after three days he pleaded a need to go back to his own country, claiming he had work to do, he didn't, but not until after calming Matthew down saying it wasn't cause he was mad about the sex thing, and that of course he understood and yes he loved him.
So many lies
Except, he did love Matthew, If he didn't he wouldn't have gone home and spent the next two days in front of his computer watching porn.
So much porn.
He'd even borrowed from Ludwig's stash.
On the third day he finally felt calmed down. Images of Matthew in the short shorts still there, but slightly desensitized by time and all that weird shit that honestly made him feel a little ashamed.
Of course, Then Matthew showed up at his door.
"Hey Al…" he said sheepishly, wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt. Normal enough… "So.. I uh.. I missed you and wanted to come by, Is that okay? I brought some movies" He held up the bag obviously full of DVD
Alfred dared to hope! He dared to dream that they wouldn't be watching much on those! "Of course Mattie! come on in!"
Matthew smiled and stepped inside, taking his shoes and backpack off and going to the couch to sit. Alfred took the bag and pulled one out to put it in the machine without even looking at it.
"So, Maybe i was being a bit unfair at my place…" He said blushed "I mean… ya know. Cutting you off from everything like that."
Alfred smiled "Aww, don't worry about it Mattie! you're here now!" He slide next to him on the couch with a smile "We can always make up for lost time~" Matthew giggled and Alfred leaned to kiss him when Matthew stood suddenly.
"I… I just wanna change into something more comfortable" He said blushing.
"Oh… yeah sure" Alfred said fighting to smile, hiding the disappointed look.
Matthew trotted to his backpack then off to a room to get dressed. Once he was gone Alfred quickly shucked his jeans, tossing them and covered up with a blanket to keep warm until the other blonde returned. No point in letting more clothing get in the way of progress!
Oh and did he return! He came out in one of Alfred's superman shirts he wore whenever he was at Matthew's. It was that little bit too long. Managing to just barely covered Matthew's vital regions while leaving plenty of thigh to be admired. on his feet and calves were white knee high socks. It was the best "Sorry i totally cut you off without a valid reason" outfit he'd seen…
Matthew moved to curl up next to him on the couch, tucking under his arm as he turned on the movie. Alfred's hand landed on his hip, and Matthew didn't fight it. he rubbed slow circles with his thumb and the blonde only giggled, wiggling around before settling again. He moved to Tilt Matthew's chin towards him, kissing him, sweetly at first, then deepening it and it was all being accepted.
Problem over
Except it wasn't. As soon as Alfred hand went to pull that shirt up and slip his hand around the front Matthew gasped. The small blonde pulled away and quickly moved to the other side of the couch showing off hot pink panties that weren't fair
"Alfred?! What are you doing!" He squeaked, the blanket had moved relieving Alfred's lack of pants and Matthew looked down scandalized. He pouted, holding up his hand with that damn purity ring- and why hadn't Alfred remembered to look for that!'
"I just… I-" he scrambled
"You said you respected my choice… I… I thought i could trust you enough for kissing and cuddling!" He cried. real tears pooling
"I do! Mattie I just.. This is going a little far and-"
Matthew stood up, "I can't believe you Alfred F Jones…You really do think I'm a slut! you want to chew me up and make me worthless!" He said crossing his arms and making choking sobbing noises, "I'm going to go sleep… I just… I can't look at you right now, I'm so upset!"
With that he took off down the hall, hot pink clad ass swaying and bouncing the whole way.
"Fuck!" He threw his head back against the couch. Well what the hell! He scrubbed his face and stood up pacing. He couldn't do this again! Something had to give!
He needed to get out of here and clear his head. The thought of Matthew down the hall in that outfit or less was not helping his situation. He found his jeans and yanked them on uncomfortable over the bulge, grabbing a coat and leaving.
He considered calling another nation for advice, but the thought of Prussia's cackling until he passed out, or Russia getting any funny idea's about claiming Canada… He passed on that. Instead he went the next best way…
The internet.
It landed Alfred with grocery bags full of soy, licorice and mint all to help lower his labido. He came through the door, all the lights out and silence coming from the guest room Matthew was in. So, off to his own room he went, cringing and pouting as he chewed on the black candy.
Over the next day he did all he could to lessen the need. He wasn't exactly sure why Matthew was so persistent with this… It had just been a stupid video, but He wasn't about to back down! This worked for human teenage boys, it could work for him!
He had gotten up early, gone for an extra long jog, Got home finding Matthew in those FUCKING SHORTS again… when this broke, he was ripping those off and shredding them. Everything is fair in love and war, except that ass trapped in that denim!
After that he poured soy milk all over his corn flakes, and begrudgingly passed up the bacon and pancakes Matthew was making. Fatty foods wouldn't help him resist apparently. Which also meant no burgers or fries..
After that was a whole morning of trying to distract himself. Matthew forgave him for the night before, and even came out to help with the outside chores after lunch… Like washing Al's car for him.
Alfred took another jog drinking heavily minted water.
by dinner Alfred was frustrated. Stabbing Tofu on the end of his fork. Matthew was eating, of all things, a hot dog… He was so ready to toss the other nation over his shoulder, drag him to the bedroom and toss him down. but he pushed it back. No, that would be wrong!
"Is it good Alfred?" Matthew asked, smiling innocently. as he leaned across the table, the front of his tank top slipping down and showing a flash of pink that Alfred wanted to bite.
"huh?" He said a moment later tearing his eyes away. "Oh uh this? y-yeah.. sure…" He said with a smile. He was not caving! he was right this time!
"Can I try a bite?" Matthew asked batting his eyes.
"Sure bro, go for it" He expected Matthew to take the fork… but that would be kind… No no, Matthew eased his eyes closed and opened his mouth, Alfred was drooling thinking of that mouth. Damnit!
Alfred speared a piece of the tofu and its surrounding veggies, moving to put it in Matthew's mouth. The blonde close his lips and pulled back with hum, chewing with his eyes still closed. He swallowed and opened them with a smile "That is really good Alfred" He practically purred.
Matthew played so dirty… But Alfred was hit with the thought, maybe two could play at this game. He had to be suffering too right?
"Wanna come for a jog after dinner Mattie?" Alfred asked with an equally innocent smile.
Matthew blinked for a second and he could feel the spark in the air "Oh for sure Alfie~"
"You'll need different shorts" He countered
"I bought different ones, It'd be silly to just bring one pair right?" Matthew said happily grabbing a snow pea off Alfred plate, putting it in his mouth and sucking sauce off his fingers.
Alfred waited in the driveway, stretching out his calves, basket ball shorts and a t-shirt on. Matthew came out in skin tight bike shorts and another of Alfred's too large shirts tied off on the side of his hip. "ready?" he asked jogging over "Or do you need me to stretch you out?" He asked batting his eyes
"Nope, all stretched" Alfred said through a tight smile. "Let's move!" It wasn't anywhere near as bad as Alfred thought it was going to be. They just ran… No comments, nothing. about half way when Alfred whipped off the t-shirt Matthew smiled at him, but nothing more. there was no retaliation…
Well dammit.
It wasn't until they got back home that Alfred realized… They got into the house and Matthew whipped off his own shirt, breathing hard but smiling "Thanks Al, good run! Mind if I uh… take a shower first?"
"Go for it" Alfred said downing a bottle of water from the fridge. He wasn't feeling as pent up after that… maybe this was working!
Until he walked past the occupied bathroom on the way to his bedroom to grab some clothing for after his own shower and heard Matthew's moans through the door and almost started crying.
He was beyond thankful a few hours of PG cuddling later when Matthew went off to bed. He'd be alone with his computer…
Alfred went to sit at his kitchen table, kleenex and lotion right beside him. He looked through so many things… but nothing was catching his interest. To add to his irritation he was hungry, he hadn't had a burger in over twenty four hours and that just wasn't normal! He kept finding himself daydreaming about Matthew covered in french fries and ketchup…
That's when he found himself doing something he had never ever considered before… or at least not seriously. He entered the pairing into the search bar and only a few minutes later was staring down illustrations of America x Hamburgler… So many compromising positions… and the horrifying thing? It was kinda doing it for him!
ten minutes later he came in his hand with a strange muffled cry of "Oh the special sauce!" he panted for a moment feeling a small amount of shame. It really had come to this.. He needed to figure something out… He couldn't fall any farther!
The next morning Alfred woke before Matthew, not wanting to risk seeing whatever else he was going to wander around in.. He set up the coffee pot and left a note explaining he'd be out running errands and would be back around eleven.
Ten forty-five rolled around when Alfred pulled the car into the drive and the desperate American, who shamefully had dribbled grease and ketchup all down his shirt, got out of the car with a deep breath heading back into the house.
Matthew had to of looked at his browser history… it was the only way! He was wearing an official McDonalds uniform shirt, it had to be his own because it hung to his hips, not long enough to cover Grimace smiling and waving from those perky ass cheeks.
"M-Mattie…" He said, voice strained.
Matthew spun around blushing, flipper in his hands but a small sheepish smile "You're back early!" He said walking over to stretch up, shirt showing off more of his stomach before wrapping his arms around Alfred's neck and kissing him gently "I missed you~" He purred.
Alfred was shaking. He had hoped to do it with more class, some composure! but he had nothing left!
Alfred grabbed Matthew's shoulder and pushed the startled looking blonde away, standing for a moment before he dropped onto his knees in front of Matthew in desperation.
Matthew raised an eyebrow blinking in confusion "I- I can't do it anymore Matthew! You just.. I need-!" Matthew crossed his arms, a curious smile starting to spread… until Alfred pulled out the small ring box from his back pocket, popping it open in front of the mildly amused looking Canadian "Marry me!" He said breathlessly
Matthew stood for a second, amusement faltering, a look of shock on his face while he absorbed what was said. Alfred was waiting for the yes, the happy laughing and the quick drive down to the church so he could screw Matthew's brains out in the parking lot, before the shocked look dropped and Matthew hummed thoughtfully "hmm, no. I'm not ready to get married. I'm too young.. I'm only 19 Alfred" He gave an apologetic half smile and a shrug.
Alfred just stared for a second, his turn to be shocked, "But you've been 19 for 147 years!" Alfred cried.
"Yeah… but i want it to be at least 175...if not 200 before i tie the knot! I mean… I don't wanna be labeled as a desperate slut!" he said with mock horror "You're only asking to get in my pants right?"
"No! No that's-!" Alfred was about to argue when he suddenly dropped his hands brows furrowing. gear clicking together.
"I mean," Matthew continued "What if we have sex and you decide you really don't feel that way? then we're stuck with each other until one of us breaks and we get divorced right?"
More gears.
"I mean, I'm grateful that Marriage between two guys is even an option now.. not just permanent abstinence or sin… but after waiting so long for it to become law it seems a bit insulting to just do it on a whim."
There was silence and Matthew continued "I know I look good, I mean, I'm just wearing what the media tells me if pretty normal right? I'm being what you want Alfred, dressed the way you like, but remaining pure. I mean, it's hard for me too, especially if you try and convince me... but if I gave in as much as I want too... "
Alfred looked up with a frown before looking away with a sigh "Alright… you win I get it"
Matthew knelt down in front of him tilting his chin up "What do you get Alfie?" He asked tilting his head like he was innocently curious.
"Maybe… Maybe Abstinence only isn't the best way…" He grumbled, a little crabby at being beat.
"Oh? why?" Matthew asked blinking, Alfred shot a glare but continued
"Because sex is… it's normal? and maybe shaming it isn't the best way…" Alfred murmured staring at the ground. "I guess the video says some pretty stupid things… I mean… I'd never call ya a piece of gum, or whatever."
"Oh thank fucking mother maple!" Matthew exclaimed, Alfred looked up startled and only just had time to stop himself from falling forward as Matthew dragged him into a kiss. The blondes mouth moved feverishly and Alfred responded without a second of hesitation, the ring lost somewhere as he put hands around Matthew's waist, under the shirt.
Matthew spoke as his hands frantically worked to stirp Alfred, mouth moving to kiss and lick where it could as they scrambled to stand together, Matthew finding himself pinned to the wall, "It's not that-mmm- sex before Marriage- oh yes there, touch there!- Is needed but- shame- not- good- dammit! lesson later!" Matthew wrapped arms around Alfred's neck pulling himself closer, pressing his body fully against Alfred's.
"D-does this mean I can?" Alfred asked swallowing, if Matthew said no…
But Matthew didn't say no, He held out his hand ripping the purity ring off and tossing it "please fuck me" He said breathlessly, tilting his head to the side in that way that made him look every bit the nervous virgin he'd been acting, with so much temptation laced in.
Alfred smirked, suddenly hit with a thought, "Oh? I'm not sure I mean- ahh!" Matthew's hand was between his legs, slipped right down the front of his pants and wrapped around his already hard length "Well since you asked so nicely" He finished diving down to capture Matthew's mouth, hooking hands under his ass to lift him up and Almost running down the hall as Matthew fisted his hair.
four hours and god knows how many broken cries and earth shattering orgasms later, the two lay panting curled together in bed. finally spent.
"So, I understand the whole taking a strike of absence to teach me a lesson, shit" Alfred murmured "but were those outfits necessary? You woulda still driven me nuts in normal clothing, you always do"
"hmm? oh... " Matthew said sleepily "well… first off, I wanted it too, so I needed you to hurry up and learn… It seemed like it was a good way to speed up the process." Alfred nodded and Matthew continued "But also, have you seen what people expect girls to wear in your country? cover up and they get called prudes. They're suppose to dress that way and not have sex, even if they want too. On top of that, they get blamed for guys actions or being a distractions… boys get away with 'boys will be boys' which makes them out to be animals who can't learn, which isn't fair either... " Matthew snuggled in further "Really, it's a bit messed up."
Alfred frowned. "yeah… I guess it is huh?"
"Long as you're aware of it." Matthew slurred, eyelids drooping "Not something you can change overnight… but-" Matthew yawned "I seem to remember you right there for women's right to vote… for gay rights… all that… maybe.. you should…" Matthew trailed off, slipping into sleep, but Alfred got the hint.
The American sighed, kissing Matthew's head and closing his eyes and vowing to think more about it… tomorrow.