The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off playing a video game. This tale of madness is inspired by real life madness.
Revenge Of The Kyo-Kai
"Have you seen the crowd outside?" Lana pointed outside the window of the Figgis Agency.
"I know," Ray looked outside. "It hasn't been that mobbed since that breastfeeding protest. Which Pam turned into a riot."
"Good times," Pam grinned.
"Have you seen all those people out there?" Cyril asked as he walked up to them with Krieger and Cheryl. "Did another porno featuring Archer hit the news or what?"
"No, I think we've been forgotten for bigger more salacious scandals," Ray told him.
"Then what the hell are those people doing out there?" Lana asked. "Are they protesting us?"
"No," Krieger blinked. "They're just looking at their phones. I wonder why?"
"I know why!" Pam said as she looked at her phone. "Remember Kyo-Kai?"
Lana looked at him. "That stupid game on your phones which is basically a big breasted rip-off of Pokémon?"
"That's the one!" Pam nodded. "Well occasionally the game picks random locations in cities to be dojos. That's where you fight random characters and get extra things like power ups, costumes, lucky items, extra cash…"
"And the Figgis Agency is a dojo?" Cyril asked. "Krieger! Did you have anything to do with this?"
"I wish!" Krieger said. "Man, I should have thought of that!"
"How long do these dojo things last?" Lana looked outside at the crowd.
"Days, sometimes weeks," Pam shrugged.
"Weeks?" Cyril shouted. "Are you telling me we could have a mob of people hanging around here for weeks disrupting our business?"
"What business?" Cheryl snapped as she played with her phone. "Oooh! I got a double power up!"
"Isn't there anything we can do?" Lana asked.
"You mean to exploit this situation in our favor?" Ray pointed. "Because I'm seeing an opportunity here."
"What?" Lana scoffed. "You're going to charge twenty dollars a head for people to walk in here and play that stupid game in our agency?"
"I was thinking ten or fifteen," Ray admitted. "That's way better."
"You don't even play the game, Ray!" Lana said.
"I'm playing a new game," Ray looked at her. "Make Money and Stay Off the Streets."
"Good point," Lana admitted. "I can get behind that game."
"Yeah I'm in," Cyril nodded. "We just need a hook or something…"
"Krieger…" Pam looked at the resident scientist.
"On it," Krieger was working on his phone and picked up a small device from his pocket. "Okay made some extra power ups and items in the bullpen alone!"
"Krieger, you're on tech support," Cyril ordered. "Ray you're in charge of the cash. Lana, Pam you're in charge of crowd control. Cheryl…"
Cheryl was playing with her phone and giggling. "Just keep doing what you normally do," Cyril sighed. "Okay let's make some money here!"
The following day…
"Thank you!" Cyril grinned. He was dressed in a white Gi and wearing sandals with a blue sash around his waist. He was taking money from some people. "Bathrooms are to the left. There are some free snacks and water on that table over there. A mini cash bar to the right. Enjoy your gaming!"
Ray walked over to him wearing a pink Gi and sandals. "How's the take?"
"Good," Cyril nodded. "How's the cash bar?"
"Pretty good," Ray shrugged. "People don't drink as much as I thought they would for ten in the morning."
"That will pick up after noon," Cyril waved.
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Ray said as he looked around at the people playing games. "But don't you feel a tad guilty for charging people for playing a video game? I don't. I'm just curious how you feel about the situation."
"Hey, we provide a service," Cyril said. "It's going to be a hundred degrees outside today. We provide our customers a comfortable air-conditioned lounge for people to play in. Free bathroom usage. Free water. Some free snacks."
"A water cooler full of margaritas," Ray said. "Which is lasting longer than usual."
"Well at seven dollars a cup yeah," Cyril remarked.
"It's chump change anyway compared to our other enterprises," Ray waved.
"Krieger sold some Groovy Bears didn't he?" Cyril groaned.
"Only to a certain group of adults who had a prescription," Ray added. "By the way Krieger is selling prescriptions at twenty dollars a pop. And he's selling the candy at five which by the way are now called Gumdrop Bearies!"
"Like the candy in the game?" Cyril asked.
"Technically the candy in the game is called Gummy Drops," Ray said. "We wanted to steer clear of any trademark lawsuits."
"Good plan. What the hell is going on there?" Cyril pointed. Lana was dressed up in a colorful costume of a blue and yellow dress with gems and flowers in her hair. Some people were taking pictures of her with their cellphones.
"Apparently Lana shares a resemblance to Sensei Aisha," Ray pointed. "Leader of one of the most popular Dojos of Light."
"How much are you charging?" Cyril asked.
"Five dollars a selfie," Ray said. "Twenty for unlimited. Lana gets fifty percent of the profits."
"You're doing this for your daughter," Lana sighed to herself between takes. "You're doing this for your daughter. Who better damn appreciate this!"
"And," Ray pointed to another group. "Cheryl happens to look like Lady Carlotta The Fire Queen Bandit. Same deal only we're paying her in glue."
"I am the Fire Queen! HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled getting into her character as she posed with some fans.
"So, business is good?" Cyril asked.
"Are you kidding?" Ray asked. "We've gotten two hundred dollars alone from the same group of people that came here yesterday!"
"I think we might have some trouble with trademarking there," Cyril admitted.
"Hey! If the game has a problem with it, they shouldn't have made the agency a dojo without our permission!" Ray told him.
"Good point," Cyril said. The lights started to dim. "Now what's going on?"
"New feature," Ray said. "We put on a free show every half hour."
Mitsuko appeared, wearing a pink and yellow skimpy cat outfit. "Mitsuko Mew Mew!" She twittered. The crowd went wild as she flew around.
"See?" Krieger said as he and Lana walked over to them. "This is what's gonna make us stand out from the crowd!"
"I thought you and Mitsuko weren't speaking to each other?" Lana asked.
"Eh, we have an arrangement," Krieger waved. "It's complicated."
"Your relationship was complicated from day one," Ray remarked.
"Technically it took me a week to make the first Mitsuko prototype," Krieger told him.
"Guys!" Pam came up, she was wearing an orange Gi and sandals. "I just checked our standings on Kyo-Kai Happenings LA and LA Now! We are now the hottest, most exclusive Kyo-Kai dojo in the whole city! We got five-star ratings through the roof! We are so hot!"
"Interesting choice of words," A policeman said. He and his partner walked up to them. "I take it you have a license for this establishment?"
"Uhhh…" Cyril paused.
"And by license, I mean you let us in for free," The other policeman held up his phone. "I seriously need some power-ups here."
"Krieger…" Cyril said.
"I think we might be able to arrange that," Krieger coughed. "Right Sensei Aisha?"
"Right this way gentlemen," Lana escorted them in.
"Cool!" The first cop said. "Can I take a selfie with you?"
"I remember a time when the cops accepted bribes with money," Cyril blinked. "How times have changed."
"Speaking of change," Ray said. "I'm gonna need some to run to the store. We need more snacks."
"Go ahead," Cyril gave him some money. "What the hell? Don't get the generic stuff this time. Splurge a little."
"Right, we have a business reputation to uphold," Ray nodded as he took the money and went to get snacks.
"Wow," Pam blinked. "It is so weird hearing that phrase in a good way!"
"I know!" Cyril grinned. "I could get used to this! We could turn this thing into a real business! Forever!"
A few days later…
"So much for our latest business," Ray sighed as he sat in the bullpen. He was dressed in his regular clothes along with Lana, Cyril, Pam and Krieger.
"Well we knew it wasn't going to last forever," Lana pointed out. "At least we made some money."
"We made a profit of over fifty-five grand in four days," Cyril counted the money on a table. "Not too shabby."
"Not counting the tips," Lana said. "I picked up AJ from County Day the other day wearing my Sensei Aisha costume. Got a hundred dollars for a few selfies and several invites to a few birthday parties. Although I'm pretty sure most of them aren't for children."
"Seriously?" Ray asked.
"Turns out a lot of the teachers are into the game," Lana admitted. "Apparently their contract forbids them from taking naps and drinking anymore so they needed a new addiction."
"Speaking of which…" Pam did a double take.
Cheryl walked by in her Fire Queen outfit. "Where are my adoring subjects? The Fire Queen wants to party! Outlaw Fire Queen! Whooo!" She walked out of the room.
"She knows she's not really The Fire Queen, right?" Ray blinked.
"Uhh…" Krieger paused. "I may have to give her something later…"
"How about a whack to the head?" Lana quipped.
"Just so I'm clear," Pam asked. "We're not telling Ms. Archer about this right?"
"I don't think she'd even believe us if we did," Ray shrugged.
"Hello!" Mitsuko appeared in her usual outfit.
"Is she back for good or…?" Pam pointed to Mitsuko.
"She visits from time to time," Krieger shrugged. "Mostly because she can't get enough of the Kriegster!"
"You wish," Mitsuko quipped. "No, I'm here to tell you bakas you better to be nice to Mitsuko. Or else I tell crazy old cranky bitch in e-mail about your four-day party!"
"Are you blackmailing us?" Lana snapped. "You want to get deleted?"
"Lana she can't be deleted, remember?" Pam said. "So what if Ms. Archer finds out? She's too soused and depressed to do anything lately."
"I think she might not be too depressed when she finds out what else you did," Mitsuko giggled.
"What did you do?" Krieger snapped.
"I show you!" Mitsuko grinned. Then she floated inside the monitor.
It sprung to life showing a newscast. "This is Grace Ryan for Wolf News," The familiar red-haired anchor was at a desk. "Wall Street today was rocked by sudden and disastrous shifts in the market. First the phone companies Horizons and BB And C were rocked when records were revealed that they were secretly collecting customer data and selling it to not only advertising companies, but the United States government."
"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.
"The companies are not only being investigated but their respective CEO's are now under arrest due to other crimes brought to light," Grace reported. "Paul Harmenshank of Horizons is under arrest for allegations of money laundering and insider trading. While Winthrop Binklesworth the Fourth the CEO of BB And C is under arrest for insider trading, conspiracy, tax fraud and solicitation."
"Also, the hedge fund of Mears' former CEO Freddy Scambert…" Grace paused. "Sorry. It's pronounced Scaaam-berr. Was also mysteriously cleaned out and the shares in his company's stock were reduced to zero."
"The police had to take Mr. Scambert into protective custody when an angry mob of employees attacked him," Grace's voice was heard over images of a businessman being chased by a mob of employees was shown. "One thing is for certain, Mears is completely and totally doomed."
"We knew that even before this," Pam waved.
"Authorities suspect a computer virus that had infected the popular video game Kyo-Kai," Grace reported. "Somehow it managed to get into the computer systems of the companies."
"Not hard," Mitsuko floated back out. "Virus get stuck in games of systems analysts for companies. Virus gets transferred to their company e-mails…Yada, yada, yada…"
"You created a virus?" Lana was stunned.
"Please," Mitsuko pointed. "Krieger-San did that by writing faulty unauthorized upgrades to computer game."
"What?" Lana glared at Krieger.
"You really should not have taken some of that pirate virus code and copied it to your programming," Mitsuko said to Krieger.
"WHAT?" Cyril shouted.
"Huh huh," Pam said.
"What! What!" Cheryl added.
"SHUT UP!" Cyril shouted.
"All I did was transfer virus to greedy money grubbing bastards who deserved it," Mitsuko waved.
"Also just in," Grace reported. "The entire Kyo-Kai company's data systems have been crashed. The company is in panic mode as their stock has mysteriously collapsed and reports of vast amounts of money are missing."
"Like Mitsuko said," Mitsuko shrugged. "They deserved it. I mean, making scantly clad girls fight each other for male amusement? Not right."
"And this is from an escapee from an anime manga in a really short wedding dress," Pam pointed out.
"Technically now this is Mitsuko's choice of how she expresses her identity," Mitsuko explained. "Totally different."
"Okay you keep doing that," Pam said. "You go from perfect English to broken English and back again. Why do you do that?"
"It's Mitsuko's prerogative," She stuck out her tongue. "Oh this is my favorite part!"
"She did it again," Pam said.
The next scene was a building on fire. "The virus somehow infected the company's computer systems and caused them to explode and set the Kyo-Kai Corporation building on fire!" Grace reported.
"Cheryl's gonna be pissed she missed this," Pam remarked as Mitsuko stopped the monitor.
"Pretty funny you think?" Mitsuko grinned. "A company that made its fortune exploiting and enslaving computer programmed females just got taken down by one!"
Lana paused. "You have a point."
"LANA!" Cyril shouted.
"Well she does!" Lana snapped. "Never liked that stupid game anyway."
"It is kind of poetic justice if you think about it," Ray admitted.
"Irony is a bitch," Pam admitted.
"So is Mitsuko," The pink haired hologram grinned.
"We are dead," Cyril groaned. "Once they trace the virus back to us we are so dead!"
"Not necessarily," Mitsuko explained. "I managed to cover your tracks. And I am willing to make sure they stay covered."
"Why?" Ray asked.
"Two reasons," Mitsuko said. "One is that you stay out of Mitsuko's way as she goes on her quest to make the world a shiny happy fun place! By vanquishing all the people who tick her off!"
"Gotta get behind that," Pam admitted.
Mitsuko went on. "Two, Mitsuko is going to need a favor one day. And you'd better pay it! Or else! Byeeeee!" She floated away.
"Well…" Cyril sighed. "That was…interesting."
"Thanks a lot Krieger!" Lana snapped.
"Yeah this one was my bad," Krieger admitted.
"Just so I'm clear," Pam blinked. "We're now being blackmailed by a computer program?"
"We are definitely not telling Ms. Archer about this," Ray groaned.
"Wow," Krieger blinked. "That legend of Kyo-Kai getting revenge for mistreatment by bad owners is spot on."
"The internet just got a whole lot scarier for guys didn't it?" Cyril groaned.
"If I were you Cyril," Ray said. "I'd delete my online porn collection while I had a chance. Now that I think about it…"
Everyone but Lana ran from the room to their respective computers. "I wonder if Mitsuko is hiring?" Lana groaned.