Summary: Philip Blake has several regrets in his life. Losing his daughter Penny and not being able to save his wife Sarah.

And he regrets Andrea. How could he allow himself to completely lose it and kill the woman he loved. He has found a new family that he holds close to his heart. Even though he is loves Meghan as his own daughter, he can't be with Lilly without thinking about Andrea.

AN: Inspired by John Mayer's song Comfortable. Spoilers for season four.

I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve, say "She's gonna be good for you"
They throw me, high fives
She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was, so dirty

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking
And poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you gray sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

She's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back

-John Mayer

"I love you," I said outloud to Lilly.

Even saying the words outloud, I knew I didn't actually mean them.

I wanted to love Lilly, but my mind was still on Andrea. The blonde beauty haunted my dreams every night. Why didn't I listen to Andrea? She had been right about alot of things. There was no real reason to go to war. My daughter Penny was allready gone. Now I had lost Andrea too. Penny wouldn't have wanted that.

Why did I allow Milton to kill her? That hadn't been the plan. I drove her back to Woodbury, and thought I could reason with her.

But she made it clear, that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

I couldn't remember exactly what her last words were, but I did remember the scared look on her face. Her pleading with to just let her go.

What was wrong with me? Now I was faking like I was in love with someone who only needed me for survival. Andrea was fesity, beautiful, and could fend for herself. Lilly was weak and agree with everything I said. Never questioning me. Always doing exactly what I said.

Andrea always challenged me, and maybe I needed that more than I realized. What use was it being with someone who did whatever you asked? I missed the fighting, insane, crazy rollercoaster relationship I had with Andrea. The one that made me feel alive.

I had a family with Lilly, Meghan, and Tara.

But I wanted the old days back. I wanted to hear Andrea's laughter and see her smile. To feel her body next to mine one last time while we made love. I remembered how perfectly it fit with mine. As much as I loved Meghan, I miss Andrea more.

Wouldn't have done you any good if you allowed her to live. You killed that love. You allowed your pride to destory everything.

Lilly does not say she loves me back, but takes my hand. I look over at Meghan with a smile. I wonder if Andrea and I had a daughter if she look like Meghan.

Would I ever get Andrea off my mind? Why did I allow things to get out of control. I knew I never find another girl like her. Knew I couldn't love Lilly the way I did Andrea.

Lilly was perfect, always saying and doing what she thought I wanted. But she didn't know the real me. Andrea did.

But I would never get to hold her again. There is noone to blame, but yourself. You have to let go, I tell myself.

Still I knew I couldn't. Andrea would always be in my mind and heart. Hurting her was one of my biggest regrets.