I don't own Bleach or anything, but it would be pretty sweet if I did.

All crack. You have been warned...

Also, leave requests! I'm doing Ulquiorra next, I think, but if you have anyone you'd like to see meet a spider, let me know!

During his walks in the garden, it was not uncommon for Byakuya to see bugs or small animals frolicking about. He did not mind these small intrusions into his meditation; to him, they simply added to the serene, natural display around him. Often, he would reach out to touch a butterfly or a spider, remarking upon its quiet beauty and unassuming nature. He had even come to love the woodpecker who had decided to nest in his second-favorite sakura tree, secretly named Moku. So needless to say, Byakuya was very content with the small zoo he had in his garden.

One warm sunny day in October, Byakuya happened upon a large spider in his study. Bending to pick it up, he felt around and determined there to be no reiatsu around, so he began talking quietly to the arachnid in his hand.

"Just look at your size. You must be quite a magnificent creature to have grown so much; I should put you back in the garden, so you might flourish." It was quite uncharacteristic of Byakuya to speak to anything with this tone of voice, but then again, it only seemed so to outsiders. No one except the Captain and his "pets" ever heard that tone, and no one ever would.

Continuing his cooing, he brought the spider closer to his face for further inspection. It immediately raised its legs and tried to attach itself to his nose. "Why, you're so friendly. I think I'll call you Kumo the Seventh." He was so lost in the beauty of the spider that he didn't notice the redhead standing directly behind him, looking bored.

"Hey Taichou."

Byakuya turned around, forgetting the spider. "Yes, Lieutenant? What do you need?"

Renji blanched.

The captain was puzzled as to why until he felt the other man's large hand collide with his face and heard his shriek of terror.

"HOOOOOOOLY FUCK THAT'S A FUCKING MASSIVE SPIDER!"

The next thing he knew, Byakuya was on the floor of his office with a rather painful feeling spreading across his face.

"Shit, Taichou, I'm so sorry. I didn't even mean to hit you. There was just this…" Renji shuddered. "…this mother of a spider on your face. I had to get it off." He knelt down next to his captain and offered his hand. He got nothing but a death glare in return.

"You killed Kumo the Seventh." Byakuya said coolly, rising from the floor and wiping the twitching remains of his pet off his face. "I think you need to leave."

A/N: An idea me, cherryblossomnights, and mukashinohikari thought of at lunch. Based partially on the massive stinkbug-eating spiders that have started appearing on my house. (Renji is channeling pure Lychee here. Just saying.)