Disclaimer: I don't anything, just my imagination and I don't own the boys even though that would be awesome and I certainly wouldn't be writing if they were here with me J
AN: The web chat in this first chapter is what inspired me to actually write this. This stuff was said but I changed the meaning and context around it and made it go the way I wanted it too. If you want to watch the web chat, this is it: watch?v=b6PZem45prU
Harry's Pov
"Okay, this whole Pudd thing is getting out of hand," Dougie said raising his voice, "it's weird and odd and just getting slightly annoying."
I remember when 'Pudd' started. Our friendship happened almost from the start, except for the time I shrugged him off at the auditions. Looking back now I feel kind of bad about that but how was I supposed to know that this little blonde kid that was chatting me up, would end up being the person I'm closest to in the world? When Dougie moved into the band house with Tom, Danny and I, we were left alone for two weeks together. Tom and Danny had gone to the states for some writing sessions with another band, so we were on our own. Those two weeks were awesome, we were opposites but somehow completely clicked. It was a great bonding experience for us full of rehearsals, food, films, pranks and lots of talking. We'd stay up all night talking about anything and everything. When Tom and Danny returned we did it all over again with them and became really close.
Anybody who knows Mcfly, knows our story and how close we all are. Everyone says that Dougie and I have a special bond, somehow we just get each other. But what people don't know is that I've been hiding something for a long time. I'm sure people suspect, I read the blogs and the stuff fans say.
For the record, there is honestly nothing going on between me and Dougie. I'm very affectionate towards him and always hugging him or holding his hand and trying to cuddle with him. Occasionally I'll kiss him on his cheek. At first, all of this stuff was just to annoy him because I loved irritating him and he always had a come-back for me but he knew it was all in good fun. He started doing the same stuff back to me thinking he was picking on me or just joining in on the joke of it.
Then one day I realized. We were backstage at a gig hanging out before the show and Dougie was sitting across from me on the other sofa. He was cracking lame jokes and had a cheeky smile on his face. I looked into his eyes and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am in love with Dougie, one of my best mates.
Which brings us back to the present. He doesn't know I have feelings for him. Him and the guys joke around and call me gay and Tom says I'm obsessed with Dougie. I guess it's partly true. I am a little infatuated with him but that's because I am in love and when you are in love, you want to be around that person as much as possible. We spend pretty much all day everyday together and I still cant get enough of him. But as for being gay, I don't want to label myself. I'm not attracted to other men, only Dougie but you can't help who you fall in love with whether it be a man or woman.
We were all sitting around Tom's house waiting for the web chat to start and I had to mentally kick myself a thousand times each time I caught myself staring at Buttsy. That's one of my many nicknames for him. I loved looking at him and I loved his blonde fringe hair and how it came to rest over his amazing blue eyes. I loved his smooth skin and the shape of his body. I even loved the smallness of his feet.
'Dammit Harry, quit staring'.
He thinks that he just looks awkward but I think he's beautiful. It's funny how obvious I am even though I try so hard not to stare. The fans are very perceptive of me, they can always tell in pictures and videos when I look at him with adoration. But Dougie has never figured it out.
"Okay guys, time to go get on the couch so we can get started," said Fletch, our manager. Tom and Dougie were already on the sofa and Danny and I made our way over with Danny sitting next to Tom and I next to Dougie. He gave me a smirk as I sat down and winked at him playfully. We were all squished together leaning forward towards the camera and laptop when Dougie all of a sudden leaned back and drew his knees up to his chest. I looked at him quizzically, wondering why he was bunching himself up like that. He didn't say anything so I just gave him a cheeky grin and grabbed his left knee, hugging it. The web chat started and we all said our hellos.
"Hi everyone welcome to our web chat," I said while resting my chin on Dougie's kneecap. "We've been having some technical difficulties but I think we have gotten everything figured out now." Danny was making faces at the camera and Tom was answering questions and talking about our Supercity website. I was reading the questions when I came across a Pudd question.
"Who wants Pudd to kiss?" asked Tom before I had a chance to say it. I lifted my finger in the air jokingly signaling that I wanted to. I chose to laugh it off as our regular joking even though my heart was pounding out of my chest. I put my arm around Dougie and started teasing him, all the while thinking what it would be like to taste his lips.
That's when Dougie changed the game. "This whole Pudd thing is getting out of hand," Dougie said raising voice, "it's weird and odd and just getting slightly annoying." He has raised his voice by now so I removed my arm from around his shoulders and just laid it on the couch behind, staying silent the whole time. Why did he say that? He knows it's just a joke right? I could feel the heat of embarrassment rise onto my cheeks and the pain of rejection rush through me. He's never acted like this before.
'Act cool Harry, don't let it him know it bothered you and don't look at him.'
Dougie just sat there hugging his knees again as the web chat continued. He was acting like he was frustrated but tried to join in on the conversation again for the web chat. I could feel hot tears form at the corners of my eyes and an ache spread through my chest all the way through my arms.
I could feel the tears trying to spill over, so I quickly faked a yawn and rubbed my eyes. I needed to get out of there but I couldn't just up and leave, it would look suspicious. I tried to calm myself down but I just kept replaying Dougie's words in my head and the tone of his voice. After a few more minutes of contemplating leaving, Dougie got up rather quickly and went to play with the camera.
'He hates the Pudd thing so much he cant even stand to be next to me' I thought. The urge to cry was even greater now.
"Okay you guys, I'm sorry but I'm tired. I'm going to head home." I said quickly. Good excuse to get out of there. I threw them a bye over my shoulder and rushed out the front door. I didn't even bother to wait for a reply. I quickly walked down the street trying to keep my composure. I only lived a few houses down from Tom. We all lived on the same street to be close to one another. The tears were seeping out of my eyes by then and even though it hurt, I was thankful none of the boys came out after me.
I cant believe I let it bother me this much. I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and unlocked my front door. I took a deep breath and stepped in, shutting the door behind me and leaned my back up against it. Trying to regain my composure I decided to walk upstairs, stripping my clothes off along the way, planning to take a shower. I turned the water on and let the hot stream run over me. I need to somehow stop thinking of him this way, stop wanting him. Maybe I do need to spend less time with him, try to start avoiding him so I can try and get past this. It breaks my heart even thinking about it but I don't know what else to do and it's not like I can tell him. I finished washing up and stepped out of the shower. Just then the doorbell rang.
'Oh my God, I cant deal with this right now.'
I hurriedly grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist as I rushed downstairs to open the door. Looking through the peephole I sighed and opened the door.
"What's up Danny?"
"Hey mate, you alright?" he asked with his thick northern accent, "you just rushed out of there."
"Yea I'm fine, just tired." I hoped he would accept that.
"Yea, sure." he said.
No such luck, Danny can see right through me. I turned around and walked into the living room with Danny following behind. I sat on the arm of the sofa and he took a seat on the recliner across from me.
"Listen, I know that what Dougie said probably hurt your feelings back there. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Danny said with concern in his voice.
Danny knows, he's the only one who knows, about my situation. He had suspected and one day I couldn't hold it in any longer and had to tell someone. Danny happened to be there. He didn't judge me, just tried to be there for me. He's been my confidant over these last few months after I told him. Which that role is usually saved for Dougie but it's not like I can confide in him about this.
"I'll be fine, just hearing him talk like that hit me the wrong way," I said, "Dougie and I are so close but lately it seems like we have been drifting apart. Maybe he thinks we are getting too close, I don't know."
"Well," Danny started, " you know I still think you should talk to him, get this stuff out and in the open with him."
"You know I cant do that Danny," I said exhaustively, "If we're drifting apart now, imagine how much we would grow apart if I told him I am in love with him. He probably wouldn't want anything to do with me. No the best thing is for me is to keep my distance aside from band stuff and hope we get past this."
My eyes became damp at the realization of what I just said out loud. I was willing to distance myself from the only person in the world who truly knew me and was closest to? Danny looked at me with sadness in his eyes as he tried to think of something to say.
"Do you really think that's best?" he asked.
"I don't want to do that but this whole thing is driving me crazy. I've been carrying the weight of this around for too many years now." I explained, "It's time to move on."
"Okay, I don't agree with it but I respect your decision," said Danny.
"Thanks, and thanks for checking up on me but I think I'm going to head to bed now" I told him.
"Alright, g'night mate."
I showed him to the door and let him out, locking up after he left. I turned out all the lights and headed upstairs. I was under so much stress and it just felt nice to slip between the sheets and rest my head on my pillows. I drifted off to sleep, worrying about how I was going to handle all of this.