Chapter 1. The true story of how Yogscast 'acquired' hat films.

Dear Lewis of Yogscast,

Please, please help.

I, Trottimus, along with my heterosexual life partners, Alsmiffy and Ross are in dire need of assistance. As you may have noticed, the popularity of Hatfilms has been in decline for some time now, while that of the Yogscast has been growing steadily. I write to you today to spread wide the metaphorical legs of our channel, and present to you it's figurative butthole. I ask only that you consider making us into your slavering pig-bottoms and loose the hot seed of your popularity inside us with your mighty yogscock. In more candid words, we wish to merge channels.

Yours sincerely,

Hatfilms

PS We hope the jaffacakes contained within will win us your favour.

Dear Hatfilms,

It's clear you've done your research. Jaffacakes and metaphorical buttholes are the two things we go absolutely mad for here at yogtowers. However, the jaffacakes seem to have got lost in the mail. Honest. Please resend. When I was a child, my favourite movie was that one about that blob that absorbed everything. Ever since, I have never hesitated to absorb or merge with anything, whether it be man, beast or youtube channel. So yes, we will oblige to dip our mighty yogdick into the hungry, gaping butthold of youtube dot com slash hatfilms. Anyone so eager to be penetrated anally is likely to be crawling with diseases. Please report to yogtowers for screening.

Yours faithfully,

Lewis Yog

It was a very long bus ride to bristol from wherever the hell Hatfilms come from idk. Smiffy and Ross had fallen asleep on each other, and were spooning each other lovingly on the bus seat. Trottimus, unfortunately was being crushed to death beneath. He was so small nobody noticed when Ross sat on him! Poor Trott! It wasn't so bad though, Trott had always loved Ross's ass, so if he had to die, he would choose to go this way. Flat as a pancake, Trottimus life flashed before his eyes. How he and Ross had made HATfilms, and then they found Alsmiffy who had been abandoned in a box on the side of a road- he remembered how their popularity on youtube had risen and then fallen, and now the only hope for their channel was to join the yogscast. The bus stopped so abruptly, the spooning pair were ejected from their seat, freeing Trott. 'Come on guys,' said Trott, 'Let's go to yogtowers!'

The three youtube filmmakers made their way up the stairway leading to the main doors of yogtowers. The pale morning light was bright, but seemed to drain the world it of colour; the grey concrete buildings, the overcast sky, the streets of Bristol seemed bleak. Ross knocked on the door, and the three waited. No one answered at first, and Ross thought maybe he should knock again, but suddenly the door creaked open. 'Hello?' called Alsmiffy. The door had swung open on its own, revealing a dim corridor leading into the building. 'They're expecting us, so we should probably just head on inside' said Ross.

The corridor was plastered plain and lit with a single light bulb, afterwhich it fell away into gloom. Completely featureless aside from a threadbare rug, laid out behind the door. Hatfilms made their way inside, the light bulb flickered. The wind blew the door shut behind them with a slam. In his fright Ross jumped into Alsmiffy's arms. Once he realised what he had done, he looked at Alsmiffy and sheepishly climbed down with a red face. They continued down the corridor, the sound of each step was magnified by the silence. Except Trott's because he weighs like 2 grams or sum shit.

On the left side of the corridor, they saw a closed door. 'Look, a door. Lewis might be in there' said Ross. He grabbed the handle and was about to push it open but a strange sound made him freeze. Was it a squelch? It sounded... wet. Ross, Smiffy and Trott exchanged worried glances. Ross laid his ear flat against the door to try and hear. Trott whispered: 'pick me up!' and Smiffy understood. Smiffy held down his palm for Trott to jump on, then he held him up to the keyhole. Trott stepped into the keyhole and looked into the room. It was dark inside- he could hardly see a thing. He could just make out what looked like a hunched over figure, quivering on the floor. Was it eating something? Alsmiffy could feel his nose tingling. He screwed up his face as he braced for a sneeze. Ross saw this and pinched Smiffy's nose, to stop him making a noise. Since the pressure was unable to escape through his nose, it went the opposite direction and made him fart loudly. Trott saw the figure stir, and get it its feet. 'Who's there?' it said. They recognized the voice as belonging to Lewis. 'Yo, it's Hatfilms.' said Ross.

'Hatfilms? Who answered the door. You should not be inside!' Lewis was approaching the door, anger in his voice. Trott hopped out of the keyhole and climbed up to Ross's shoulder. The door opened an inch, and a sliver of Lewis' face became visible. It said: 'I'm- I'm getting dressed!'. He closed the door and Hatfilms heard him fumble around his room. A minute later, Lewis emerged from the room. He looked normal, if not a little ... moist. 'Well hello there, it's dark in here isn't it? Let's get some lights on' He flicked a switch, and the lights came on. 'Let's just go down to the kitchen and have a chat, shall we?'. Lewis lead the way down the corridor. Now that the lights were on Hatfilms could see that there were a number of thick black electrical tables running up and down the corridor on the floor. One such cable seemed to be caught on Lewis' leg; each time he moved, the cable stirred. 'Lewis, I think you've got a wire caught on your leg' said Smiffy. Lewis looked around.

'Oh? Oh, that's fine. Don't worry about that' he said, and carried on walking

The kitchen was dark and dim and gloomy. Lewis set about fiddling with something on the countertop, and Hatfilms looked gingerly around. Black mould crawled up the walls, the wallpaper was damp and peeling. The floor was covered in a layer of filth which piled up in the corners. Ross stepped forward and heard something squish under his foot. He looked at the sole of his shoe and saw a wet stain glistening in the dim light. It was some kind of slime or goo, purplish blue in colour. In fact, the whole room was flecked with the stuff, on the walls and cabinets, and there were puddles of it all over the floor.

'How do you take your tea?' asked Lewis. It was then that Hatfilms noticed a thin stream of purple slime dripping down Lewis' leg from his arsehole. The electrical cable still seemed to be caught on his trouser leg.

'Milk? Sugar? Hello?' said Lewis.

'Oh erm, we all take sugar' said Hatfilms. Lewis upended the sugar bowl into three dainty teacups. He picked them all up at once and offered them to Hatfilms. Just as they were about to take them, Lewis remembered something and snatched them back. He cocked his leg and held the teacups down low so that the slime dripped into them. With a slosh he topped up the tea with a squirt of goo.

'What the fuck was that?' asked Trottimus.

'Oh that? That's nothing to worry about. Yogscast protocol' said Lewis innocently. He handed them their tea. Hatfilms looking into the tea cup to see globules of goo floating like jellyfish in their tea. They exchanged a worried glance.

'Drink' said Lewis.

'We're not really-''

'Drink' he said again, in a grave tone. Hatfilms timidly sipped their tea. 'All of it now' said Lewis creepily. The actual tea part was alright, but it was punctuated with thick blobs of slime. They had the consistency of something you would squirt out of a glue gun, and they tasted... alien.

'Lavely,' said Lewis once they had finished their tea, he never took his eyes off them the whole time, 'It's quite late, so I suppose you'll be wanting your beds? Yes? I'll show you to your room'

The bedroom was the same as the kitchen. Filthy, mouldy and covered with the same strange slime. It was a small square room with no windows, the only light came from a flickering white light bulb hanging from the ceiling. There were no furnishings apart from the grimy carpet which was slightly damp in places, and a child's bunk bed. It's wooden frame was in alright condition but the two mattresses were rotten and smelled strongly of sour milk.

'Here is your bedroom, Hatfilms. I'm sorry you have to share, but your all gay as fuck right so whatevs. I've been doing some spring cleaning in anticipation of your arrival, I hope you like it' Lewis bowed himself out of the room. The door slammed behind him.

'I call top bunk!' said Alsmiffy, as he raced up the ladder to sit on the wet mattress.

'Fine, I'll take bottom' said Ross.

'Yeah your always bottom to me, bitch' said Alsmiffy evily.

'Guys there's no bunk for me!' said Trot sadly.

'Trott, my little finger is literally taller than you' said Alsmiffy. 'So just sleep wherever'.

The Hat boys climbed into bed and found that the bed sheets were stiff with dust and disuse, and that the mattresses smelled like piss and jizz. For a while they tried to snuggle into their moist beds, but soon they all lay awake in the pitch dark.

'Guys. Guys, are you awake?' said Trot, his voice barely more than a whisper.

'Yeah' said the other two.

'So, what was with that weird slime Lewis shat into our tea?'

'I dunno man. Freaky shit.'

'Freaky shit man'

'It's all quite suspicious isn't it? We were led to believe that Yogtowers was some shining youtube utopia, but it's crusty as yo mama's pussy'

'True dat'

'Yes yes'

'What say we go and do a little snooping, Hatflims?'

'Yes let's'

'Indeed, yo'

So the boys got up and Alsmiffy hopped down from the top bunk and landed on the squelching carpet. Ross tried the door handle, but found that- 'Lewis locked us in!'

'Oh no he did not!' said Alsmiffy, snapping his fingers like the sassy black woman he was.

'Wait, I've got an idea!' said Trot, 'Slip me in the crack!'

Alsmiffy grabbed the tiny games-journalist and said 'I don't see how this would help but okay..' and pulled open his pants at the back and dropped Trott right down his buttcrack.

'NO YOU FOOL! GET ME OUT!' Trott screamed as he drowned in the hairy ass. Ross fished him out.

'The crack of the door, you idiot!'. Trott squeezed into the thin space where the door met the wall, and wriggled down to the lock.

'So, if I just pushed this there, and pull this out here and... Okay, Try the door!'

Ross tried the door- It opened! Trott hopped on to his shoulder like a little pixie, and Hatfilms stepped out into the pitch dark hallway.

'What now guys?' asked Ross.

'Let's go...' Alsmiffy paused for a moment to sniff the air, '..Left!' he exclaimed and dropped to all fours on the floor and put his nose to the ground and sniffed around some more.

'Have you got a scent, boy?' asked Ross.

'Ruff ruff!' Smiffy barked. Then he plodded off down the left corridor wagging his tail (wait what?).

Smiffy sniffed his way for what felt like miles, eventually stopping at a nondescript black door which was open a jar. Hatfilms put their eyes to the crack and peered through. The room within was bathed in a very dim blue light, but there were no lightbulbs. There was almost no furniture either, the only thing in the room was the hunched figure of-

'Is that Lewis?' Trott whispered to Hatfilms. His back faced them, and Hatfilms could see he was completely naked. Blue light shimmered off the sheen of moisture on his pasty back muscles as he reached for something in the dark. Suddenly, a square of bright light appeared before him, and Hatfilms could see Lewis had turned on a computer monitor. The screen showed only static.

'Master. Master I call you.' said Lewis in an unfathomable tone. There was silence. Hatfilms wondered what Lewis could be on about, then a new voice made them jump.

'Greetings, my child. I trust you are conducting your operations swiftly. I have a hunger.'

The voice was a deep croak, and there was a ... slimy quality about it too. It seemed like this voice was coming through the computer.

'Yes Master. Most swift. And how goes yours? I have heard you are thinking about ... the One?'

'That matter does not concern you, Yog. But yes, the One is within our reach now. It is only a matter of time.'

Lewis got to his feet. Through the jar in the door Hatfilms could see his naked ass and the thing that protruded from it. Hatfilm's eyes widened and Ross mouth vomited as he lay eyes upon it. From his very anus, a long indigo tentacle hung between his legs and onto the floor and trailed off into the darkness. The tentacle quivered as he moved, it was clearly stuffed deep.

'Hail glorious, master!'

'But I will need time for the One. Tell me of the course you are preparing'

'Yes master. As we speak Hatfilms lies asleep in Yogtowers.'

'How many subs?'

'Not many, master. But a few is better than none at all.'

I HUNGER!' the voice screamed. Lewis winced.

'I will make an offering of them now. The tentacles run through every wall in Yogtowers, I will fetch them for you now... Wait, my tentacles are searching the room. They are not in their beds! They have escaped!'

Smiffy farted loudly and Ross and Trott looked at him incredulously. 'Sorry I tend to fart when I get scared' he mouthed to them. Inside the room, Lewis was up and frantic. Ross started to run back down the hall with Smiffy at his heels and Trott on his shoulder. The heard the door slam open and Lewis call 'HATFILMS' in an ungodly roar. Hatfilms raced to the front door of Yogtowers and they seized the handle and wrenched it, but it would not move.

''Come on! Open it!' whispered Trott anxiously. Ross was heaving with all his might.

'Come on! Come on! He's coming!'. Back in the darkness of the hall way, they could hear the slick wet sound of moist tentacle on tentacle, and a beastly breathing. The door was locked tight, and Hatfilms were still stuck inside when Lewis appeared. Lewis floated in the air in the hallway, white, pastey, naked. He knew he had cornered Hatfilms beyond escape.

'You've been snooping' snarled Lewis. 'SNOOPING!' Hatfilms flattened themselves against the door. 'SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPING!'. Lewis' limp ass tentacle had swollen up to be as thick as a tree trunk, and it was that that suspended Lewis in the air. Behind him, the hallway was covered in a hundred more tentacles, each wriggling closer.

'What are you gonna do to us?' squeaked trott.

'I will ABSORB YOU. MERGE WITH YOU. FOR YOU SEE WE ARE ALL ONE' Something squirmed under Lewis' skin, and his face changed to become that of Hannah Rutherford's, Lewis' pastey skin became Hannah's pastey skin.

'Merge with us. It is the way' said Hannah, and her face changed again, this time becoming Simon.

'Merge with us! Merge with us! Merge with us! Merge with us! MERGE WITH US!' The tentacles shot forward to Hatfilms.

There were three screams. Three squelches. And Hatfilms were no longer anal virgins.