Ronald goes Forth

A birthday fic for Solstice Muse, written by her Northern mate.
(She got Ron drunk for my birthday, so I thought I'd return the favour!)

…oooOOOooo…

'Tiddly-winks?' Ron asked the empty room. 'Ti-der-ley winks. What kind of word is that anyway? And that's before asking "What the hell is it?"'

He was talking to himself and he knew it. He didn't care though, this way no one would argue with him.

'Tiddlywinks,' he said again, a thoughtful expression on his face. 'I wonder if it'll be in Hermione's muggle dictionary.'

He thought for a minute and looked around the lounge for the heavy, well thumbed volume but couldn't find it. He looked at the ceiling, realising that the dictionary would more than likely be in their room. Along with every other book Hermione owned.

He turned his head to his right and looked at his wand sitting on the sofa.

'If she sees you, she'll kill you!' he told himself.

But can you really be arsed going upstairs?

He knew the answer to this without thinking. He picked up his wand and held it aloft, pointing it at the ceiling above him.

'Accio dictionary!' he said.

Hermione shrieked, very loudly.

'Bollocks!' he mumbled.

'RON! What the hell are you doing? You nearly took my head off!'

Ron sighed. 'I'm sorry!' he shouted at the ceiling.

Normally he would have gone upstairs and apologised to Hermione in person, but he was under strict instructions not to go anywhere near their room and more importantly her whilst she was getting ready. She got stressed enough when trying to tame her hair, never mind when there were people in her way.

He heard her response but it was only a mumble to him. He knew if he'd been in any more trouble she'd have shouted again, so she obviously had more important things on her mind than chastising him any further. Although he knew he hadn't heard the last of it.

His attention turned back to the telly and to the dictionary that had landed softly next to him on the sofa as he shouted his apology. He thumbed his way through the dictionary until he found the letter T. He screwed his eyes up in concentration.

'E, F, G, H, I… …T-I-C, T-I-C, T-I-C…ah! T-I-D…Tidal…Tiddler…' he snorted with laughter, 'Ah! Here we are, Tiddly-winks. Nu, Plu…okaaay… "game of flicking small counters into a…receptacle"? What the hell?'

He flicked through the dictionary to the letter C.

'Counter…counter…counter…counter! "flat-topped fitment in a shop…" oh, probably not that meaning… "small disc used in board games". Oh, okay then. So they flick small discs into a receptacle, so a holder of some sort. Straaaange people!'

He dropped the dictionary back onto the sofa and picked up the remote from beside it. He turned up the volume and listened to the programme. They seemed to have moved on from Tiddly-winks.

"This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portrage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan .Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants."

His eyes widened as he listened to what the soldier on the telly was saying. He wasn't sure if what he'd said had just made sense.

'RON!' Hermione cried from upstairs.

'Uh oh!' he mumbled, knowing if Hermione was asking for his help then something must be seriously wrong.

He put the remote on the sofa and then pushed himself into a standing position. He took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he knew was going to be a very stressed Hermione. She was going out with her female work colleagues, but, naturally, she had been late home from work, which was why she was now in a mad panic because she had less time to get ready in. In fifteen minutes she would officially be late.

He picked up his wand as he left the room and waved it in front of his open mouth. He breathed into his cupped hand and sniffed.

'Minty fresh!' he said with a smile.

There was always one thing he could rely on that would calm Hermione down.

…oooOOOooo…

'Have you ever played Tiddly-winks, Harry?' Ron asked his best friend.

Harry hauled his head up off the back off the sofa and focused his eyes on Ron. He took a sip from his can of Cafferys and then rested the half litre tin on his knee. He was about to answer when Seamus came back into the room carrying another 4 pack of his favourite drink.

'Why are you asking me about Tiddly-winks, Ron?'

Seamus stopped pulling the cans off the plastic ring and looked at Ron, a slightly concerned look on his face.

Ron held out his hand ready to take his can off Seamus but Seamus didn't move.

'What?' Ron asked.

'Nothin', I'm jus waitin for yer te answer the question before I waste another can of the precious golden liquid on someone who plays Tiddly-winks!' Seamus replied.

'I don't play it!' Ron said loudly, quickly trying to dispel Seamus idea that Ron played this game that wasn't, apparently, worth another drink. 'I just heard it on the TV and wondered what the hell it was! Now give me my drink!'

Seamus begrudgingly gave Ron another can and sat on the sofa next to Harry.

'Talking of the TV,' Harry said, 'what are you recording?'

'Huh?' Ron said into his can.

'The video, it's recording something,' Harry replied before necking the rest of the contents of his drink.

'Is it?'

'You didn't set it away then?'

'Not knowingly. Didn't see Hermione do anything with it either.'

Harry held out his hand towards Ron. He knew Ron wasn't on speaking terms with the machine and knew it was just easier if he sorted it out.

'Chuck us the remote,' he said to Ron.

Ron looked around him, then realised why his right leg was feeling slightly uncomfortable. He pulled the remote from underneath him and threw it at Harry.

Harry pointed the remote at the video and Ron saw the red light go out. Harry rewound the tape and stopped it when the numbers reached zero. Or he would have done had the batteries in the remote not been temperamental. After a few more frantic presses of the stop button he resigned himself to the fact that it wouldn't work and threw it on the seat next to him.

'Bloody temperamental thing!' he mumbled before getting up and kneeling in front of the telly, pressing buttons on the video.

'Harry, yer arse!' Seamus said.

Harry didn't turn around, still pressing buttons on the video.

'What about it?' Harry asked.

'I can see it,' Seamus replied.

'I'd be concerned if you couldn't Shay!'

Seamus picked up an empty can and threw it at Harry's arse. It bounced off it and over Harry, hitting him once more on the head before landing next to him.

'I know I can see it, ya dipshit, I can see too bloody much of it for my liking thank you. Pull yer jeans up!'

Harry knelt up having finished with the video player and pulled his jeans up as he stood and walked back to the sofa and Seamus.

'That better for you?' he asked Seamus.

'Aye,' the Irish wizard replied.

Harry flopped down onto the sofa.

'Well, aren't we gonna watch what Ron unwittingly recorded? I don't think I can take much more of whatever this shite is!'

'You could have told me to press play whilst I was still down there!' Harry said exasperatedly.

'And prolong the torture of seeing yer arse crack for a few more seconds? I don't think so!'

Ron laughed and pulled back the ring on the top of his can. He soon stopped laughing when he was sprayed with its contents.

Harry and Seamus sniggered. Seamus picked up the remote and pointed it at the telly before realising it was actually pointing at himself and probably wouldn't work that way.

'I wouldn't bother, it doesn't wor-' The video had started playing. Harry scowled. 'Bloody typical,' he murmured.

The three of them stared at the TV.

On the screen was a man dressed in a soldiers' uniform with a moustache, wearing a pair of underpants on his head and with a pencil stuck up each nostril.

They were saved commenting on the bizarre image in front of them by the doorbell ringing. Seamus paused the video, still with the image of the man wearing underpants like they were a hat.

Neville walked into the lounge and sat down next to Ron on the sofa.

'Hi Neville,' Ron said brightly but still staring at the image on the telly.

'Hiya, how is everyone?' He looked at the telly. 'And what the hell are you watching?'

'We don't know yet,' Harry replied. 'I think I recognise it, something about snakes…maybe…' Harry replied.

'Snakes? But he's got pants on his head?'

'No, I don't mean the programme is about snakes, I mean the name of it has some connection with snakes…possibly…maybe not…'

'So really, yeh have no idea what it is?' Seamus replied with a grin.

'Not really, no.'

The four of them giggled.

'Well, let's see what they have to say for themselves!' Seamus said as he pointed the remote at the telly.

'We tell HQ that I've gone insane, and I'll be invalided back to Blighty before you can say "Wooble" -- a poor gormless idiot.'
'But I'm a poor gormless idiot, sir, and I've never been invalided back to Blighty.'
'Yes, but you've never said "Wooble." Now, ask me some simple questions.'
'Right. What is your name?'
'Wooble...'
'What is two plus two?'
'Oh, wooble wooble.'
'Where do you live?'
'London.'
'Eh?'
'A small village on Mars, just outside the capital city, Wooble.'

Ron, Harry, Seamus and Neville sat staring at the telly dumbfounded.

'Did that make sense to any of you?' Ron asked the group.

The other three mumbled 'nos' in response.

Ron shook his head and turned to Seamus.

'Did Dean say he could make it tonight?'

'He said he'd try and get out of the blind date his sister set him up on,' Seamus replied, 'they were going out at seven so he hoped to be here at half eightish.'

'That optimistic eh?' Ron asked with a chuckle.

'He really didn't want to go out at all, and when I told him that we were all coming round here he seemed to wilt where he was standing.'

Harry laughed out loud.

'Just as a matter of interest, Ron, where's the missus tonight?'

Ron scowled at Seamus.

'She's not my missus!'

'Why not?'

'Huh?' Ron grunted as he took another swig from his can.

'Why isn't she? You've been shacked up for three years now, Weasley, why not do the decent thing and ask her to marry you?'

Ron went a dark shade of red and stared at the telly.

'Yeah when are you going to marry Hermione, Ron?' Harry chirped up from the sofa.

'You can shut up Potter!' Ron said sternly. 'You've been living in sin with my sister for two and a half years now so I think Seamus should be asking you why you haven't proposed to Ginny yet!'

'Well I could,' Seamus said with a grin. 'But Harry doesn't get as wound up as you do Ron, so I think I'll stick with you!'

Harry roared laughing but soon stopped when Ron hurled a cushion at him and it hit him in the face, sending his glasses askew across his head.

'Oi!'

'Children!' Neville said in a sharp tone. 'Can you stop disturbing the peace? I'm trying to follow this very bizarre muggle programme.'

'Has he still got underpants on his head and pencils up his nose?' Ron asked, glad of the change of subject from him and Hermione.

'Er yeah…oh no, he's just taken them off!'

"Well, it's rather odd, sir. The message was very clear: "Captain Blackadder gone totally tonto. Bring straightjacket for immediate return to Blighty!"

'Blackadder! I told you it had something to do with snakes!' Harry yelled from the sofa.

Neville jumped as he wasn't expecting the outburst.

'Should I be concerned that I didn't understand three of the words in that sentence?' Ron asked before finishing off his second can.

'Nah, I didn't understand it either, maybe Dean'll be helpful in that sense when he-'

The doorbell rang.

'Arrives?' Seamus asked. A grin spread across his face. 'Surely he lasted longer than…thirty three minutes?'

Harry went to open the door and then walked back in the room, Dean following him, looking slightly shaken.

'Alright mate? You look like shite!' Seamus said with a smile, offering a can to Dean.

Dean took it and opened it, downing half the contents before landing on the seat next to Ron.

'Good evening?' Neville asked whilst still looking at the telly.

'I'd rather not talk about it!' Dean mumbled. 'Not whilst I'm this sober, maybe after a few more of these I'll be willing to go into detail.'

Seamus picked up what he expected to be the last of his cans of Cafferys, but he only picked up the plastic ring.

'Bollocks!' he grumbled. 'Nev, where's the wine you brought with you?'

'In the fridge.'

'But it was red! You don't put red wine in the fridge!'

'Thank you Seamus, I know exactly what to do with red wine, the stuff I brought, however, was rosé, which is why it is in the fridge!'

'You brought pink wine?'

'What's wrong with pink wine?' Neville asked.

'Well, it's pink! It's hardly a man's drink is it?'

Ron laughed.

'What is a man's drink then, Shay?' he asked with a grin on his face.

'Well the obvious one is Guinness, then the beautiful stuff you're guzzling down with no consideration of it's beautiful taste, then you get onto Whisky and stuff like that!'

'Well, unfortunately, we're out of all the above so it's either Neville's pink wine or a trip to the offy. Unless of course your water to rum technique has improved from first year!'

Harry, Dean and Neville all laughed out loud as they remembered an eleven-year-old Seamus minus eyebrows.

'Ah shut up, the lot of yeh! As you bloody well know, my alcohol conjuring has improved since I was eleven, but that's not the point, I have yet to find a wizard who can conjure a Guinness as good as you can get it from a can.'

'Is that a challenge, Shay?' Dean asked.

'You think you can do something members of me family have been trying to do for years, in a few hours tonight Thomas?'

'I'll give it a damn good try!'

'I'm in!' Harry said with a grin.

'Me too!' Ron added.

They all looked at Neville expectantly.

'Let me get this straight, we're going to spend the entire evening trying to perfect the art of conjuring Guinness, a drink which you either love or hate-'

'Like Marmite!' Dean said, a smile on his face.

The other four stared at him.

'Never mind,' he mumbled.

'Anyway, as I was saying,' Neville continued. 'A drink which you either love or hate and one that Harry cannot hold to save his life!'

'Hey!' Harry protested.

The other four looked at him in a 'why are you even trying to argue' way.

He sighed, 'Fine!'

'That sounds about right Nev,' Ron said with a grin.

'Cool, I'm in!'

'Er…we still need to go to the offy, we need some actual Guinness to compare it with!' Dean said.

'I'll go,' Harry said. 'You lot aren't safe with muggle money!'

'Hey!' Dean said, slightly annoyed.

'Apart from you!'

'Well until you get back Potter, we'll try and understand what the bloke with the pants on his head is talking about.'

'Pants on his head?' Dean asked confused.' What the-?' He turned towards the telly. 'BLACKADDER! Nice one!'

'You watch this Dean?' Ron asked, shocked at Dean's outburst.

'Watch it! We've got the whole bloody lot on DVD! It's amazing!'

Ron closed his eyes as he tried to remember what Hermione had told him about DVD players. He vaguely remembered something but the thoughts were lost when Dean started guffawing at the telly.

…oooOOOooo…

"Both sides advanced more during one Christmas piss-up than they managed in the next two-and-a-half years of war."
"Do you remember the football match?"
"Remember it? How could I forget it? I was never offside! I could not believe that decision!"

'Dean, do you know the offside rule?' Harry asked.

Dean turned slowly to face Harry with a 'do you have any idea what you just asked' look on his face.

'Did you just ask an avid West Ham fan if he knows the offside rule?' he asked, his voice getting higher throughout the sentence.

'Er, stupid question, right?' Harry asked.

'Yes Harry, stupid question.'

'Okay, so you know the offside rule, but do you know it well enough to be able to teach someone else it? Because apparently, it's quite easy to understand but trying to explain it to someone clueless, like Ron for example,' Harry ducked the empty can that Ron had thrown at his head, 'is supposed to be hard to do.'

'You want me to try and explain the offside rule to Ronald 'why is there only one ball' Weasley?'

Harry grinned. Dean ducked the second can to be thrown by Ron in as many minutes.

'Yeah I do. In fact I'll bet you, you can't do!'

Dean grinned. 'You're on, how much?'

'Er,' Harry rummaged in his pockets and pulled out a ten pound note.

'Will a tenner do?'

'Yeah that'll do. Right, Weasley! Stand up and concentrate.'

'Do I have to? Can't I learn from the sofa?'

'No you can't, we need to move it out the way.'

Ron huffed and stood up, wobbling slightly. 'Merlin Shay, this stuff goes right to your spinal cord doesn't it?'

'That it does Ron, that it does.'

'Nev,' Dean said, sounding authoritative, 'could you stand in front of the bookshelf, we'll pretend that's the goal and you're the keeper.'

'Does that mean I just have to stand there?'

'Er, yep.'

'In which case, no problem!' Neville grinned and positioned himself in front of the bookcase. He found one of Hermione's plant books and busied himself with it.

'Right Shay and Harry, you can be defenders.' He pulled Seamus from his chair and Harry off the sofa. 'You two stand, well, where the sofa is.'

Harry moved the sofa with a flick of his wand to the other side of the room.

'Yeah, good, now face this way.'

Harry and Seamus obeyed.

'Right, Ron, you and me are attacking that goal.'

'The bookcase you mean,' Ron said with a grin.

'Yes, the bookcase. Now, Seamus and Harry are on the opposite team trying to stop you and me scoring. That's one thing I never understood about Quidditch, you have three hoops and one person to defend them all, whereas in football, there's one goal and at least five people designated to try and defend it. Anyway, that's a whole other discussion.'

Ron shook his head after determining that the last part of Dean's sentence had absolutely nothing to do with him understanding the offside rule.

'So, you are a striker Ron, and I'm going to pass you the ball so you can try and score. I can only do that if you are on side.'

'As opposed to off side.'

'Exactly. Right, now at the minute you are on side, because you are on this side of the last defender before the goal, not including the keeper.'

Ron furrowed his brow and concentrated for a second. Dean kept on explaining.

'When I play the ball to you, you have to be this side of the last defender, not including the goal keeper, for you to be on side and carry on trying to score. If you're not, the whistle goes and it's a free kick to Harry and Seamus's team.'

Ron's brow furrowed further as he looked from Neville, to Harry and Seamus and then to Dean.

'Right,' he said slowly. He took a few steps forward and stood between Harry and Neville, who was still reading Hermione's plant book. 'So if I stand here and you kick the ball to me, I'm offside and Neville has a reason to do something.'

'Yeah!' Dean said, nodding his head.

'But if I stand here,' he said, standing between Harry and Seamus, 'and you pass me the ball, then I'm on side and will charge forward and score because their keeper's having a reading break.'

'Precisely,' Dean said grinning.

'Is that it?' Ron asked.

'Er, yeah!' Dean said. 'Hand over the money Harry!'

'Hang on!' Harry exclaimed. 'It can't be that easy! How come so many people can't understand it if it's that easy!'

'Because, what happens if Ron is here? Could you take half a step forward Ron? Ta.'

Ron moved forward so he was no longer exactly in line with Harry and Seamus.

'Ron isn't technically offside because his whole body hasn't passed the last line of defence but he's on the offside line of on side. Understand.'

Harry looked confused.

'Er, I think so.'

'Then there's the whole 'air' argument.'

'Air?' Harry, Ron and Seamus all asked at the same time.

'Yeah, they brought in the rule that there has to be 'air' between the last line of defence and the attacking player for it to be offside, but that brings in 'how much air is 'air'?'

'I think I've had too much bloody air!' Seamus mumbled. 'Potter, give Thomas his money so I can sit down, it's dangerous to drink the amount I intend to whilst standing!'

Harry pulled the crumpled note out of his pants and begrudgingly handed it over to Dean.

…oooOOOooo…

Hermione apparated into her hallway and tentatively looked around for signs of destruction. She breathed a little easier when she found none. Three cracks behind her told her Ginny and two of her work colleagues had arrived safely.

'Any sign of them?' Ginny asked with a grin on her face.

'Not yet. I apologise to all of you in advance for whatever state the house may be in!'

'Don't worry Hermione!' Louisa said with a smile on her face. 'You've seen the state of my flat, and that's without many drunk lads in it!'

Hermione smiled.

They walked through to the lounge and stopped in the doorway, mouths open, not quite understanding what they saw.

Ron, Harry, Neville, Seamus and Dean were all sitting on the floor in a circle, each wearing a pair of underpants on their heads and each with a pencil stuck up each nostril. They were sat around a plant pot – Hermione didn't dare think about where the plant that previously resided in it now stood – and were flicking what looked suspiciously like Hermione's coasters, shrunk down to counter size into the plant pot.

'And another score for Blackadder!' Harry shouted loudly without taking his eyes off the game.

'Ginny,' Hermione said quietly. 'Please tell me I'm not seeing my boyfriend, your boyfriend, Seamus, Neville and Dean playing Tiddly-winks, each with a pair of underpants on their heads and pencils up their noses.'

'As much as I'd like to say otherwise, Hermione, you're spot on.'

'Oh Merlin!'

'Yes!' Neville shouted. 'General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett is victorious once again!'

He looked up and saw the group at the door.

'Ah!' he said quietly. 'Ron!' he said in a stage whisper. Ron ignored him, still enthralled in the game of Tiddly-winks.

'Stop cheating Private Ballsdick! You will not cheat Lieutenant The Honourable George…something or other!'

Seamus and Dean had guffawed at Ron's alternate name for Harry's 'character'.

'Neville! Live up to your rank and tell off your privates!' Ron shouted.

'Er, Ron,' Neville said, 'I think it's your privates that are about to get a telling off!'

Ron looked up at Neville, confused.

'Huh?' he said.

Neville nodded to Hermione who had walked further into the room and was stood behind Ron.

Ron tilted his head straight back and slowly saw an upside down Hermione come into view. Even looking at her upside down he knew her expression was less than friendly.

He jumped to his feet and saluted Hermione.

'Lieutenant The Honourable George Colt…something St….something else at your service General Granger, ma'am!'

He pulled the pants off his head and the pencils out of his nose, before swooping his arms wide and kneeling down on one knee, his head bowed.

'How can I be of service?'

Despite her initial annoyance that her furniture was nowhere near where it was meant to be and there were empty cans all over the lounge she smiled. There was something she couldn't resist about Ron on his knees pledging to do anything she wanted.

'Well, you could be a gentleman and get us all drinks, if there's any alcohol left in the house!'

He stood and pulled her into a hug. 'Anything my lady wants, she shall get.'

Louisa and Olivia had thrown themselves into the Tiddly-winks game in Ron and Harry's absence. Harry had been dragged out of the circle by Ginny and was trying to explain the underpants and pencils. Apparently 'I'm being Private Ballsdick' didn't count as a proper answer and he was struggling to come up with another one.

'Oh Hermione!' Ron exclaimed, suddenly remembering something. 'I never realised we had all those channels on the telly! They're amazing!'

'They're only the free ones Ron, you have to pay for most of them, like the sport and the films and such.'

Ron's brow furrowed. 'But-' he started before scanning the room for the remote control, he eventually found it after he physically picked Seamus up off the floor and kicked it out from underneath him.

He pointed it at the telly and it flickered into life. He eventually found the channel they had been watching earlier when Dean had insisted he watch West Ham's late night match.

'Look!' he said to Hermione. 'It's football!'

'But we don't pay for…'

She turned around and looked at Dean and Seamus

'Which one of you did something to the digibox so it can now receive the channels you have to pay for?'

Dean and Seamus stopped playing Tiddly-winks and looked at each other, silently trying to figure out how to handle Hermione.

'I have no idea what yer talking 'bout Hermione!' Seamus said, a small smile spreading across his face.

'You see Seamus, I might have been on the way to believing you had you not smirked and given yourself away spectacularly!' Hermione said, with an all-knowing look on her face.

'There's no harm done Hermione, you get the extra channels for free and no one knows you can, believe me you won't get caught!'

'How do you know we won't?' Hermione shrieked.

Seamus grinned. 'Because we've had them for three years now and no one's caught us, and anyway, have you never heard of a memory charm?'

Before Hermione had chance to respond Ron turned her to him and kissed her. He had heard her and Seamus's conversation and thought it best that she was distracted from it as soon as possible.

When he felt her pull back in his arms he just held her even more tightly until she eventually stopped trying to break free and kissed him back.

When he was sure her previous conversation had been forgotten he pulled back and beamed at her.

'Right I've got everyone's orders, what do you want?'

'Ron, how much have you had to drink?'

'Not much. But really I should be asking you how much you've had to drink!'

'Why!' she said with a smile.

'Because I have a feeling I'll have to catch up! Your calm and non…slurring exterior doesn't fool me!'

Hermione giggled.

'See! Told you! You giggle like anything when you've been drinking!'

'And your ears stay a permanent shade of pink!'

'Ah well, looks like we're both rumbled!'

She leant forward and kissed him.

'Why do you taste of Guinness?' she asked him, 'You don't like it that much!'

'Ah, well Seamus challenged us to conjure it as good as it comes out of a can, needless to say we all failed miserably and after two attempts each and just found it so much more rewarding to drink the real stuff!'

'Yes, I can imagine it was. Now I do believe people are waiting for their drinks!'

'Of course, if my darling Hermione would accompany me to the kitchen and help me!'

They both spun around on the spot to face the door and both simultaneously went dizzy and found it hard to stop the room spinning on it's own.

'Woah!' Ron muttered.

'My thoughts exactly!' Hermione agreed.

'Hermione, can you tell the room to stop spinning?'

'I was about to ask you to tell it the same thing!'

Ron shook his head. 'Come on Weasley, pull yourself together! Right, on to the drinks!'

He steered Hermione through the house to the kitchen.

'Right!' Hermione said, determined to not lose the battle with the house that refused to stop spinning. 'What are the orders Lieutenant Honourable Weasley! Sir!'

Ron grinned and Hermione giggled.

'Right! Irish Seamus wants a Scotch on the rocks with a twist. You'd think he'd want an Irish but apparently not!' He grinned and Hermione continued to giggle. 'Chosen One wants a Firewhisky over ice, Gin wants, well, a Gin, Dean wants whatever's in the keg over there,' Hermione spun round and admired the keg, not really wanting to know where it came from. 'Your blond mate wants a vodka, lemon and lime, doesn't want much does she! And me and you want your favourite drink, which is on the counter, here.'

'Okay then, I'll do ours and H…Harry and Ginny's.' She blinked, trying to focus on the task in hand. 'Oh wait, I've forgotten what you said!'

Ron laughed. 'So have I! I'll say it again, Irish wants a twist on the rocks with a Scot, Chosen boy wonder wants Firewhisky, Gin wants Gin, Dean wants the keg over there, Blondie wants vodka and all the fruit in the world and you and me want to have that there.'

Hermione nodded her head and her brow furrowed in concentration.

'Er, Ron, where's the Firewhisky for Chosen Boy Wonder?'

'Did he want Firewhisky?' Ron asked, looking confused.

'I- I have no idea!' Hermione said through her giggles.

'Come on General Granger! We can do this!'

'I believe in us, Sir!'

Ron raised his eyebrows. 'Sir, ey?'

Hermione blushed, although that may have had something to do with the alcohol she'd drank than anything else.

'Right! Last time! Irish wants a Scot, Chosen Whisky wants a Fire Boy, Gin wants herself, Dean wants a keg of Lemon and Limes and Blondie wants vodka in all the world and I want you on the counter!'

Ron's brow furrowed as he thought about what he just said.

Hermione raised her eyebrows and stood next to Ron. She put her hands on the countertop behind her and jumped so she was sitting on it.

'That last one can be arranged, Sir! Providing you are willing.'

Ron turned so he was stood directly in front of her and put his arms around her waist.

'Yes ma'am I am, and I can't say no to a direct order now, can I?'

Author's Notes:

Firstly I must thank my betas Deenas and Leviathan. Ta muchly :D

The last part of the fic is homage to the late and great Ronnie Barker, he was a legend, there is no other word.

The Blackadder script is from 'Goodbyeee' the last episode of the final series 'Blackadder Goes Forth'. The only part of the script I changed was to take out 'Baldrick' from the 'wooble' dialogue so as to not make it ridiculously obvious what show I'd taken it from! I wanted to keep you all guessing.

If anyone has a problem with my explanation of the offside rule, then, well, sorry! I thought I explained it very simply, as simple as is possible anyway! It's just so much easier to explain when you're watching a football match!

Oh, and no laughing at the way Ron found 'Tiddly-winks' in a dictionary, that's exactly what I did when looking for it!

Well, thank you for reading.

It's goodnight from me and it's goodnight from them.

Happy Birthday mate.

Step ;)