Abysmal
by Rob Morris
The new master of the Earth knew he had them now. They could barely survive against him five on one, and now he was five-in-one. The battle, he knew now, would move to its inevitable conclusion. He was right in this, but not so much about what this conclusion would be.
"If we use all our power at once-in one shot..."
The eldest of the feeble and foolish protectors was a force to be reckoned with, but the conqueror all but laughed him off.
*Jump-kicks, cries and poses will avail you little now, Tho-mas!*
Him the conqueror would keep alive, to see his own work wonderfully twisted as the Thunder Lizards took back what an errant chunk of space debris had stolen from them.
*They won't use all their power, Tho-mas. Those spoiled brats will never sacrifice what makes them unique...*
As the Human writer had once said, there was a sound of thunder. A flash, then pitch darkness.
"Where-am I? How did I resume my unascended form? Did the great Dr. Thomas Oliver fail to finish the job?"
A voice, filtered by fog so thick Mesogog could only discern words not tone, still cleared some things up.
"That wouldn't be very much like our Tommy Boy, would it? I've asked a lot of the folks around here. He tends to be big on follow through. Well, that, and speeches. But he gives some really good speeches. This one lion dude almost seems to have a man-crush on him. Gets embarrassing. Almost makes you want to say - Hey, Just Admit It, Already!"
In this case, Mesogog needed no tone or inflection to figure the speaker out. Only one spoke in that particular irritating manner. Though the fact that one was speaking meant nothing good to Mesogog.
"Lothor? What are you doing here?"
Lothor emerged from the blackness surrounding them, somehow carrying a tray of nacho chips laden with jalapeno cheese. That dumb look - did he have any other?- was as always on his face.
"You're the mastermind, right? You're in a place with no light, chatting it up with a dead guy. Certain duh-level realizations almost have to kick in."
"But I only reduced you. To keep your body in stasis as a trophy for all my reign, and have it buried with me as part of my treasures for the afterlife."
Lothor looked at him askance.
"First of all, that's cold. Even by my standards-and normally I admire cold even by my standards but wow, really? Second-how were dinosaurs supposed to build a pyramid?"
Mesogog hissed, so Lothor kept right on.
"Anyhoo, the Dino Rangers blew up your lab/remake of Young Frankenstein - Gene Wilder was so great in that - and I blew up with it. No getting out this time, since I wasn't tossed in while living. I am surprised to see you here so soon after the team-up. Are they cutting back the number of episodes? I'll tell you, the Mouse just has no idea what to do with this franch..."
Lothor remained the picture of calm as Mesogog perhaps inevitably yelled.
"SHUT UP, YOU FOOL! WHY AM I IN THE ABYSS OF EVIL?"
Lothor dipped and munched a few more chips before responding.
"Well, because you're the spirit of someone who's-evil and dead. It really doesn't get much simpler than that. Why? Are you an atheist? Because the Mutorgs had the same problem when they first got here. In denial-for months, so I'm told. I mean, I respect someone's beliefs, but ya know, we are here, so ya know?"
Mesogog refused to let Lothor get the better of him, and so dropped back to a calm.
"I meant that I thought that this Abyss was something unique to you and evil associated with ninjas from this planet and beyond."
Lothor seemed to be almost thoughtful as he took this in.
"Well, this immediate area is shaped by ninja lore, but really, this place is connected by all our common struggles against the various teams of Rangers. Also, if I really had to guess, all those team-ups create a connection, like the morphing grid, only for the really wicked dead or undead, or living dead, or half-dead-oh, whatever. Except for Bansheera's brood, it's all open and we interact. Some find something to do. Dark Specter runs a Mexican place-it's where I got these chips. Hey! With your scientific background, you could run an appliance shop. The video players down here break down all the time."
To say that Mesogog was not amused was as vast an understatement as one was likely to make.
"How did you EVER present ANY sort of threat to ANYONE ANY-WHERE?!"
Lothor shrugged, nodded, and then blasted Mesogog back hard.
"It's true. My banishment and the journey through space - don't know why Sensei didn't listen to that one kid -that KID? Neph-EWWW...anyway, it did all leave me a bit loopy, maybe even light in the frontal lobes a bit. But-I make up for it by being-"
Darkness burst out from Lothor like a living thing. It rose up like a raven-phoenix around them.
"Really, Really, REALLY...powerful. Not that it always helped, but honestly, if we hadn't been in that confined lab...but I can't hold a grudge. Besides which, we all got defeated here. If we hadn't-we just wouldn't be here, would we? Anyway, lemme give ya the rundown."
Lothor gave the rundown.
"You died. Not the 'part of your master plan' kind of death. Not a 'now I regenerate' death, because you did that. You gave it your all, and like so many-actually like everybody in our crowd-the other side found a way to turn that back in a big sacrifice-but-who-cares-because-its-over kind of way. Except for Tommy-Boy. They'll be wheeling him in on some kind of kung-fu gurney probably till 2093 and beyond. That's just his thing. Now, just how did he get a PhD that fast? Rita and Zedd's kid-there's some carnal imagery to avoid at all costs-had time-warp-aging. But how does a kid who's always late for class-"
"SHUT UP!SHUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUPPPP!"
Lothor stared calmly and smilingly, same as ever.
"My friend, you'll find I am the Gomer Pyle of villainy. You can Sergeant Carter me all you want-and I still like you."
Mesogog saw that fury would not get him his answer.
"Tell me how and why I am here."
"Wow. Just wow. They call me dense? Dude, you bought it. You have joined the villains unseen. You have shuffled off the burden of Big Bad. You met your maker, and he didn't like you much. You have had your last Kalish-splosion. You will make no more monsters grow. You've been sent to the peace conference in a shadowed scene. You my friend, are deceased and desisted. John Cleese has tossed you on the counter and demanded a refund-you are an ex-villain, and I don't mean like that lousy defector Rita."
Annoying as he was, Lothor had made his point. Yet Mesogog still shook his head.
"I had achieved my ultimate form-became invincible. How could I fail? It's impossible!"
Lothor downed a few more chips, some of which spilled and stuck to his shirt.
"Oh, that river in Egypt-we have all sailed it, haven't we? Messie, Messie-yeah, we all got to enact that big ultimate plan, that thing we'd been building up to for-whatever amount of uncounted time-and then we all whine like a Skywalker just before we see that final flash. BTW, did you know this place has its own Radio Shack? These two dudes from Japan get the idea to build an android, and they get out-and now they're both back here again, just like me, and all the others who get like a furlough. Now, though? I've settled in. Pal around with the demons while they prank the insects. Watch the weekly hissy-fit match between Grimlord and Shadowborg-I'll tell you about them later. I say, why put yourself through it? You're already there, so why give yourself this place over being in this place?"
Mesogog sat down next to Lothor, absolutely dejected.
"We are in Hell?"
Lothor shoved him.
"Hey. there's kids, alright? Language? But pretty much, yeah. Though-you get to go to any section you want. The 80's bunch are a group of great fellas. The comic book bunch never seem to stick around-they get to leave. Then there's our 'Sentai brethren' who just think they're SO MUCH better than us. I could have stolen souls, but do you know how much hassle they are to contain and keep properly? Who was I going to trust with that? My nieces?"
Lothor got up left, and came back with some hot dogs.
"C'mon, carnivore-eat up. It's not like they can give you gas."
Mesogog did so, and nodded weakly.
"Than-Thank You, Lothor. But wait-how is it this place has food?"
Lothor waved a finger in the air.
"I've actually thought about that."
He pointed around the dead-scape.
"You'll notice none of our lesser hench-thugs seemed to make it here."
Mesogog paused, shrugged and continued eating.
"So will we be joined by our successors as well?"
Lothor smiled.
"Because of some time-travel shenanigans, I got to see the future. That mook Gruumm and his bunch? What their Rangers do to them will have him wishing he could die and come down here."
Mesogog felt like he was losing his mind, but after losing his struggles and his life, he found he no longer cared.
"What does one do for amusement in He-in this place?"
Lothor brushed the food off his shirt.
"Well, we are where we are. We make our own amusement, don't ya know. Sometimes, just to break the boredom, we even engage in the ultimate evil."
"You mean-?"
"Yup."
An hour later, all stood and applauded Mesogog as he partook in this unspeakable practice, microphone in hand.
"There's a light, in the distance, see it coming closer, with the force of ages, centuries gone by..."
Lothor turned and looked at the audience.
"I don't care what any of you say. Bad Karaoke? Now, THAT's Hell!"