Umineko No Naku Koro Ni Episode 1: Parody Edition
By Lolitafreak88
This is a parody of Umineko No Naku Koro Ni made by a fan. Property of 07th Expansion so all copyright and ownership belongs to them. Also this parody is designed for those who've read all eight games of Umineko No Naku Koro Ni (Legend-Twilight) whether the original visual novel or the manga or both so beware of spoilers! Thank you.
This story is fictional, thank god or else Rokkenjima would have WAY too many visitors.
Any resemblance to real people, events, etc. is purely coincidental… though any resemblance to real anime is probably not so much a coincidence.
Chapter 1: Meet the Ushiromiyas
"Are you really drinking again Kinzo? You should really reconsider rehab." Sighed the rather plain and ordinary physician.
Two old men could be seen inside a study that clearly hadn't been cleaned in years and smelled of something very sticky and sweet. For a study, this room had everything, an expensive bed, a servant on watch duty, books, alcohol apparently, and something else… but that's not until later.
"It's one of my oldest and most prized friends. Ever since I lost... BEATRICEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The old man lying in bed spoke coherently but in a tone that was incoherent.
Who was this Beatrice he spoke of? That's also not until later but believe your parody writer, it's important. The plain and ordinary physician, whose name was revealed to be Nanjo Terumasa despite nobody saying his name yet, gave a pitying expression.
"Kinzo-san… your body only appears to be well thanks to the efforts of your medicine. However-"
"Wait a moment! What the heck did you just call me?!" Kinzo interrupted bluntly.
"Wh-what…?"
"After saying 'Kinzo' you said something strange… sounded like sand."
"Oh that was 'san', an honorific. This entire household uses honorifics." Nanjo explained.
"Who the heck decided that and why isn't it in Western culture?!" Kinzo shouted.
"It's polite and a form of respect. I believe the West has their own form of honorifics as well. Anyways you're going to drink yourself to death at this rate." Nanjo returned to the main topic at hand much the audience's relief.
"Shaddup. I have money and a broken heart so I'll do what I want. Genji! I order you to give me another glass." Kinzo arrogantly rejected Nanjo's advice and pointed to the servant standing like a robot in the room.
"are you positively sure?" Genji replied in a tone that was robotic and rather void of any emotion.
"Yes… but if I must, I suppose you may water it down for Nanjo over here." Kinzo compromised in his own special way.
The smell of alcohol was threatening to induce a coughing fit in Nanjo but Genji seemed quite unfazed. As Genji was becoming acquainted with the the alcohol cabinet, Kinzo spoke again,
"Nanjo, as a good friend of mine who I entrust very valuable secrets to, I am deeply grateful to have you as my physician, chess buddy, and guest on this island of Rokkenjima."
"Of course, I enjoy our chess games together." Nanjo explained.
"I wish you would listen to my superior chess advice though… I could've saved you from many-"
"here." Genji Ronoue said as he handed a fancy goblet to Kinzo.
"Perfection." Kinzo took the goblet quickly.
Had it even been on fire, Kinzo would still use it. For the green alcohol, probably what Shrek drinks when he wants some alcohol, was his personal delight.
"Tell me how much I have left Nanjo." Kinzo asked suddenly.
"In years? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours? Minutes? Seconds? Negative Seconds? Negative Minutes-"
"IN YEARS MAN!" Kinzo interrupted Nanjo's senseless suggestions to get his point across.
"Well… based on this prologue alone and I predict you have… but a little amount of time left." Nanjo said with a resigned expression.
"... One of my children could say that much. Be more specific." Kinzo said as he swirled his goblet.
"Shall I illustrate it using this chess board?"
"..." Kinzo only gave Nanjo a glare that clearly said 'get to the point before I burn you in a furnace'.
"Err… alright… I guess there's no way around it although Umineko is all about being intellectual with these things… basically you ought to be writing your will right about now." Nanjo spoke much more clearly and to the point.
"A will for Beatrice?" Kinzo asked with surprising excitement.
"... I think for your children and grandchildren Kinzo." Nanjo closed his eyes as he said this.
"THEY ARE VULTURES! I am not going to give them directions on how to turn my corpse into a dinner buffet. Claus, Eve, Ronald, and Rosita… they don't deserve anything!" Kinzo slammed his goblet down in a fury upon being reminded of his children.
It was almost impressive how quickly Kinzo had established having his family having issues with his outward anger about his OWN children inheriting anything of his.
"First of all, those are not their names, and secondly, perhaps it is better to think of this as an official record for the future generations. You could write about your… regrets… and your sins… and generally how you've done your entire life wrong and how you could've done better..." Nanjo offered.
"...Hmph… Ridiculous. I, Ushiromiya Kinzo, have not one thing I want to record! I was born with nothing, I will die with nothing! There is nothing I wish to leave to my foolish children!" Kinzo lamented surprisingly sorrowfully.
"Not even peace of mind?" Nanjo asked.
"UWOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BEATRICEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Our contract together has led up to this moment! Once I take my final breath, all shall be returned to you my Golden Witch!" Kinzo, after reaching a furious crescendo without even singing, slumped over with a demon-like posture.
"..." Nanjo just watched, unconsciously wishing that he had gotten that chessboard analogy through properly.
"However, I do have but one regret… It's useless, useless, useless!" Kinzo growled.
"Not really Kinzo-san." Nanjo said as he tried to comfort Kinzo but was shoved off.
"I want to see it one more time... ! I want to see Beatrice's smiling face one more time! I want to sing 'Oh Desire~' passionately to her beloved expression. But she has resisted me for so long-"
"And for good reason." Nanjo whispered incredibly silent to himself.
"Please allow me to return everything to you! Please grace me with your smile one more time… Beatrice, I beg of you…! Show yourself to me…! You're standing there… invisible… somewhere in this room aren't you…?!" Kinzo was a runaway train of crazy regrets at this point.
"master, i assure you, this room is protected by a charm that prevents witches and other such magical beings from entering." Genji corrected Kinzo.
Genji was then barely able to dodge a goblet of green alcohol that was hurled at him by a cross Kinzo. Nanjo looked on with a mix of despair and horror.
"Shaddup! Don't trifle me with plot contradictions while i'm making a plea for Beatrice! Ahem… Don't let me die alone! I cannot let myself die until I see your smile again! Aah, Beatrice! Beatriceeeeeeeeeeee!"
[Insert epic opening song here]
[After said epic opening song]
The first day
October 4th, 1986
"Whoa… Things sure move with the times… I can't believe we'll be able to make the trip in just twenty minutes…" Said I, a mysterious protagonist whose name is Battler Ushiromiya.
I couldn't help but marvel at how far things have come in recent years… the IPhone… wait a moment... Oh it meant recent years as in the 1980s… ok. But yeah, 1986 has a lot of real cool stuff. We're about to ride a really small plane, which is the first time I've ever been on such a small plane. Oh god it better not shake… Aah… spare me oh universe that doesn't run on magic…
"Hahahahaha, don't worry Battler-kun. The only thing that'll be shaking is the family reunion. The plane is the least of your concerns." My lord and savior George-Aniki said.
"Hehehe… don't scare me like that, you just shaved six years off my life." I admitted nervously.
To my confusion, George seemed to look at me with a brief pitying expression, almost like if it was a math class and I stumbled upon the correct answer but switched to a different one. Still, it was great to see this guy I haven't seen in six years.
"Ihihihihi… still I wish I was your age… I could go to the bars and get a little tipsy on some booze." I grinned cheerfully.
"I usually only do it for business rather than pleasure. Japan practically requires it." George said.
"Ihihihihi! That's why I always try to get a chance to get in some practice!" I puffed my chest out proudly.
Thanks to drugs, more drugs, and some exercise I got to be taller than George-Aniki. …Damn. I'll bet my relatives will all say 'look how big you've grown, Battler-chan san kun mii!~' or something. Anyways my name Battler… I know what you're thinking and no, I don't 'battle'. Still beats 'Sento-Kun' though which is what everyone tends to misread it as. My name is written [Insert kanji here]. Can you read it? 'Hell no?' Well that's ok, this is only a parody after all. The first part is the family name 'Ushiromiya' which doesn't mean anything in particular but is certainly epic-sounding. My cousin's name is Ushiromiya George which is spelled [Insert kanji here]... meh let's just skip the kanji. He's five years older than me and is the only one who wears glasses in the entire family. I have two other cousins who are females but more on that later… George is 'Aniki' because I still look up to him as a big brother… in a non-creepy way. Seriously.
"A-hyuck! Battler-kun! Look at how big you've gotten! You know what they say, 'leave a boy for three days and you'll hardly recognize him.' Especially if they fall into the ocean, become amnesic and live their lives as a different person!" Said my uncle Hideyoshi.
"It must be in his blood, I suppose.~ Rudolf wasn't that tall either until his high school years. Perhaps it's a sign of a late bloomer.~" Said my aunt Eva.
"Nah, it's nothing special. A real man needs to be tough on the inside too!" I declared proudly.
"Exactly! Battler-kun knows how it works! He's as mysterious as the dark side of the moon and swift as a coursing river! He waits ve-ry alertly for the perfect moment… and strike! Now, I never even imagined becoming a-"
"Oh darling… I'm sure your occupation reveal can wait until we start discussing about the inheritance with the others..~" Eva said sweetly though flirtatiously gripped Hideyoshi's right arm.
"Aw shucks! Ok Eva." Hideyoshi replied, hiding his blush rather well.
This pleasantly plump guy is Hideyoshi oji-san. George-Aniki's father. He's the spouse of my dad's older sister and so not connected by blood but BOY is he a nice and generous uncle. He speaks in a very odd and very noticeable Kansai dialect but was born in Kanto. No not the region where you can get a Squirtle, Bulbasaur, or Charmander. Though that'd be cool... ihihihi~ Apparently he never uses this Kansai dialect though in front of real Kansai people.
"So… Battler-kun…~ Are you a heartbreaker or a dreammaker? You surely must have lots of stories about that sort of thing right~?" Eva asked as she held a rather pretty fan daintily.
"Wh, what? Y, y, you're joking, right!? Of course nothing weird like that has ever happened to me! In fact I'd rather it did!" Flabbergasted, I do my best to recover.
"That can be arranged…~ *giggles*…" Eva gave a giggle that seemed very inappropiate for the PG-rated atmosphere.
This woman who constantly sounds like she's flirting is Eva oba-san, George-Aniki's mother and my aunt. She and Hideyoshi oji-san are a pair of jokers if I ever did see one. Sometimes it made it very, very, VERY hard to get along with them as a young child. Actually I think it's still very, very, VERY hard to get along with them at present time. Ah well, at least she's funny and their family seems to get along perfectly. Oh and she also has a cool tattoo of the family crest on her arm that no one else seems to have or bother mentioning if they have it or not. It's the One-Winged Seagull… or Eagle… one of the two.
"Battler-kun… have you seen Rudolf-san…?" Kyrie Eleison… I mean Kyrie Ushiromiya walked up to me and spoke.
"Huh? He headed off to the bathroom a while ago. Heh, maybe the old geezer dropped dead at long last, namunamunamu." I joked.
"That's no way to talk about your father, my husband, and my reason for being here and talking to you Battler-kun. Still, this isn't the first time he's taken so long in the bathroom." Kyrie went from a rather severe tone to a more easygoing tone.
"Yeah, that guy's always bringing a magazine with him. Ihihi, I wonder what he could be doing with those…"
"Well don't worry… in reference to the obvious innuendo you are making, I never let him do that on his own."
"Hihihi! I'll have to get the juicy details later! Man you really know how to reign in that horndog. Please take over that responsibility of mine." I said pervertedly.
"Tis my specialty Battler-kun. You can count on me." Kyrie said.
This woman is my father's wife. Ushiromiya Kyrie. She's not my real mother and is more of a stepmother as my real mother died six years ago. I can't really come to terms with the idea of calling my dad's business partner 'Mom' and likewise I can't recall a time she called me 'Son'. Our relationship is unexpectedly mature as we know to not pretend as though we're family. Instead she's like my friendly neighbor.
"Hmm… Battler." The devil spoke as he wiped his hands with a handkerchief and approached.
"Hey, what's… Owowowowowow! Don't pinch my ear, gaah! What are you eightttt?" I whimpered as my dad pinched my ears and pulled on them hard.
"You badmouth me, you get the bad reception. I deserve a little respect don't you think?" The jerk tried to gather some sympathy.
"I'm not Dumboooooo, yowwwwwwieeeeee…"
"Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right. Now say "Oh Father, dearest Father, please forgive me for being a bastard." Rudolf tormented me in a perfectly pesky way.
Yeah so this bastard is my dad… sucks to be me right now but it sucks even more to be him. I mean I bet he hates Grandfather for naming him after a christmas animated special. Yet he also gave me a crummy name. Surprisingly, Aunt Eva came to my rescue and pinched Rudolf's right ear.
"Hey, Rudolf? Isn't that child abuse?~ You don't want to be like Rosa riiiiight?~"
"Gyaah, that hurts, Aneki…" Rudolf had a taste of his own medicine.
See, this is why Eva's the older sister. Kyrie fortunately stepped in by offering to pinch his other ear later which Eva agreed to gleefully. Already this long and we haven't even gotten to our last two guests coming along with us on the trip. Oh, the old geezer's made a pass at Eva being lucky Hideyoshi came along or she'd be unsold. Bad move knowing Eva's passive aggressiveness...
"Who you calling unsold?! Taste the sting of Ushiromiya-Fu! Hi… YAH!" Aunt Eva unleashed one of her beautiful high reverse roundhouse kicks… in an airport where security could be watching.
Ok… she didn't really kick him, she stopped just a centimeter from the tip of Dad's nose. Long story short, Aunt Eva has come a long way in martial arts and her lower body truly is a lethal weapon.
"... Sheesh what a pain. I guess someone would need a gun to deal with you then Aneki." Rudolf joked nonchalantly.
"I wish I had brothers and sisters." Uncle Hideyoshi said.
"You can always make a little one for George." Kyrie offered with a surprising lack of playfulness given the suggestion.
"I wish Battler wasn't so much a blockhead and was more like George." The old bastard said, using the chance to berate me more.
"I wish you didn't betray mom!" I shouted having lost some of my patience.
There was an awkward silence at this unexpected plot twist. Rudolf scratched the back of his head, Kyrie looked at me funny, Eva and Hideyoshi seemed to keep to themselves, and it was just weird. Fortunately for all of us George-Aniki stepped in.
"I think the weather report says a typhoon is coming. A typhoon big enough to completely isolate a family living on an island from the outside world." He pointed out.
"T-This family conference is important George! We can't let a mere typhoon stop us!" Eva interjected rudely, losing some of her playful spirit.
"Eva…" Hideyoshi warned Eva.
"Err… I mean, I wish it was in a different season~... like during the Obon festival." Eva tried to sound more innocent.
Eventually she and Rudolf started quarreling about spread legs, the Obon festival, and who said what when. They are starting to make George look like the only adult here. Well except for Kyrie-san, she knows how to act like an adult. I hope I end up like him someday, a nice, intellectual adult. Though not sure about the glasses...
"Oh but I still need to work on becoming more bold and sociable Battler-kun… you have those qualities in spades." George confessed as though I had said all those things aloud.
"EHHHH? How did you hear me?" I asked, stunned.
"You were literally saying them under your breath. I think you need to work on internalizing your thoughts a bit." George said with a playful smile.
"... I hate being the narrator." I grumbled.
"AHHHH! ROSA-SANNN! YOU'RE HERE! AND MARIA-CHAN!" Hideyoshi, who has a trouble controlling his volume sometimes, was greeting Aunt Rosa who arrived late.
"Long time no see!- Uu!~" Said the little munchkin.
"Maria, shouldn't that be 'it's good to see you again'? Greet your uncle like a nine-year old girl would do." Rosa oba-san wasn't as charmed.
"Uu-... it's good… to see you again…" Maria corrected herself with less energy.
"Ding ding! We have a winner! Here's some candy for you! ... Oh wait… where'd I put it…?" Hideyoshi trailed off.
"It's been quite some time Rosa-san. Good to see you and Maria-chan again." Kyrie said.
"Kyrie Nee-San, Hideyoshi Nii-San and... Oh my gosh… Battler-kun is that you…?! Look at how big and strong you've gotten…" Oh god, so it begins.
It doesn't help that Rosa's smiling particularly big and has a twinkle in her eyes that seems a bit odd. Then again I heard she was one of the aunts who missed me most from the family conferences.
"Aww… you're gonna make me blush Rosa Oba-san… hahaha…" I downplay my reaction best I could.
"Hey Rosa. Not to be a stuck-up prick or anything but you would've completely missed our plane had it arrived on time." Commented Rudolf.
"Gomenasai. We had… trouble making our train connection." Rosa seemed to hesitate on giving her answer.
"Ah… is that why Maria has swollen cheeks and looks like Raggedy Ann…?~" Eva suddenly sent a large barb towards Rosa's direction.
"... No." Rosa reacted with a severe tone.
"My, my... ~ I'm sorry Nee-San…" Eva apologized as she fanned herself a bit.
"No you're not."
"Maria-chan's gotten huge too! So how tall are you now?" Hideyoshi was off in his own corner as the two sisters started to leer at one another.
"Tall enough to no longer need a booster seat." Eva offered.
Rosa looked about ready to slap Eva, which was completely justified at the moment, so Hideyoshi shot his wife a stern look. Eva relented and mumbled another apology and this time Rosa sighed and let it go. It was clear Rosa was at the bottom of the Ushiromiya siblings flagpole. Maria parroted her question to her mother, fortunately innocent of Eva's hostility, and Rosa started pondering the answer.
"I think it's safe to say she's grown a lot since last year." Kyrie said calmly.
The last time I saw Maria was when she was three years old and thus she seemed to give me wary glances and quizzical expressions, trying to figure out who this sexy beast in front of her was. Huh, maybe this narrating isn't so half-bad if I can promote myself.
"Maria, this is Battler onii-chan, Rudolf nii-san's son… understand?" Rosa babied Maria much like how I remember my own mother doing it for me.
"...The brother's son is… The brother is the son…. The sun is a brother… sun, sun, mr golden sun… UUU-!" Maria solved the mystery.
Don't even get me started on what 'Uu-' means, I think it's just a nonsense word she uses to fill in the blanks. Luckily, Super George to the rescueeeeeeee~
"Maria-chan, this is your cousin like me." He said.
"...Battler onii-chan?" She asked.
"Hi-ho! Battler the Ushiromiya here! Nice to meet you Maria!" I simplified my confirmation of her question so she could clearly understand me.
"Uu-! Battler!" Maria cheered happily.
Rosa looked like she wanted to scold Maria for not using proper terminology but she was keeping an eye on Eva oba-san, as though anticipating Eva to jump in with a snide remark should she say anything.
"Battler, Battler, Battlerrrrrr! Uu-! Uu-!"
"Maria, Maria, Mariaaaaaa! Uu-! Uu-!" We exchanged introductions with a jovial tone.
"Where's a recorder when you need one?" Rudolf snickered under his breath.
So now for an overview. Maria Ushiromiya and Rosa Ushiromiya. Daughter and mother. Unreadable but honest, miraculously not as screwed up as dad and has common sense. There we go, that's the whole Ushiromiya family going on the plane. There's still one more part of our immediate family we haven't met yet and they are the ones who live on the island 24/7. The announcement finally rang out that 'Flight 201 for Niijima' was boarding and everyone started to move about. Eventually, skipping a bunch of unnecessary exposition, we boarded the plane and took off into the air. Towards Rokkenjima… and the first family conference I ever went to in 6 years. This is going to be great! … Can I stop narrating now?
Origins of the golden witch
Your Current Narrator
Aniki
The Other Ushiromiya Girl
Uu-!
Alcoholic Grandfather
Santa Krauss
Kansai
Ushiromiya Headache
Kung-Fu Eva
Ushiromiya Rudolph
Kairi
Best Mom Ever
Dr. Phil
Maid
Cook
Butler
Furniture
Old Lady
Umineko No Naku Koro Ni: A Parody Edition
"Should've… taken the damn boat… the boat…" I grumbled after having a miserable experience.
WHAT THE HELL?! I'm still narrating?! That was a low trick...
"Fallllll! Free fallllllll! Uu-uu-uu-uu!"
"That's enough Maria…! But what a surprise, I thought that nothing could scare Battler-kun." Rosa only added to my embarrassment.
"Like Natsu after him, Battler's a leading male protagonist who can't handle vehicles for some reason. Always yells about falling and shaking and stuff." Go die in a fire you old bastard...
"Come to think of it nii-san. Why was your name spelled 'Rudolph' in that dramatic but uplifting opening scene? Isn't it spelled 'Rudolf'?" Rosa oba-san thankfully switched the topic to something relatively trivial but at least it involved Dad.
"Ah… translation errors?" He lamely suggested.
We split up and took separate taxis from the airport to the harbor. I mean unless it's Lost, you can't really use a plane to get onto an island the size of Rokkenjima. A silhouette that looked strangely similar to the form and style of the Lass from Pokemon X and Y suddenly came into view.
"George nii-saaaaaaan! It's been so frickin' long!" She sounded just as perky too.
"Ah, Jessica-chan. It's been a year since I last saw you! You also grew taller."
"Kya-haha, don't gimme that, it's embarrassing when you say that every year." Jessica said with a wink.
See, see, she gets the idea. It's like being crowned prom king and you didn't know you were on the ballot.
"You're venting your inner monologue again Battler-kun." George Aniki said.
"Gyahhh! So embarrassing…!" I groaned.
"Ahahahaha." Kyrie laughed cheerfully.
It was rare to see someone as stoic as Kyrie laugh so I took some relief in that accomplishment.
"Holy CRAP! Battler-kun?! You got so big…" Jessica's ever urban way of talking was still present.
"Yo, Jessica! Girl, you got some woman going on this time around! What're these, boobs? Even you managed to get a chest! Ihihihi, let me rub 'em, let me~!" I let my primal, manly urges take a hold of me and reached out to grab them.
"I am a blossoming, blushing flower of 18! Like heck I'd let you touch my boobs! You're not really going to let this guy grope my boobs right?!" Jessica looked towards the parents as she said the last part.
"It's what Rudolf used to do to me." Kyrie admitted.
"Oi… Kyrie… that was private…" My old man stammered with a blush.
"Can't say I mind too much.~ Would be a fun story to tell your grandchildren…~" Aunt Eva threw in a slightly questionable comment but it was better than her abrasiveness towards Rosa earlier.
"W-well… you only grew big physically then Battler-kun. Can you prove to be strong enough to touch my boobies?!" Jessica stammered but showed great confidence.
So this spitfire is Jessica Ushiromiya. Dad's older brother's daughter and the direct heir to the Ushiromiya family. She's supposed to be a lady by the Ushiromiya standards but as you can see she's as tomboyish as the trope can get. Worse still, she's stronger than me… or at least until now. I seem to be able to overpower her quite easily now.
"Sh, shut up already… I'm a woman, so there's no way I could beat a man with physical strength forever right?!" Jessica confessed after I questioned her about it.
"Feminism really is over." Rosa seemed to sigh with a bit of a disappointed expression.
"Nonsense Rosa…~ Just wait until this series gets going." Eva seemed to be up to foreshadowing this time.
"Well I bet all your strength went into that che~st of yours." I teased to Jessica.
"Then how about your ele~phant-san?" Jessica mimicked me right back.
"Stop it, idiot! Nooo you perv! I'll be ruined for marriage… don't touch my cro~tch!" I wailed as Jessica suddenly got a bit too carried away.
Perhaps it would be wise not to taunt her so much. Rosa was looking annoyed as Maria was leaning against her wondering what the heck we were talking about. 'Poor innocent Maria shouldn't learn about these things just yet' was what Rosa was saying with her eyes. I couldn't help myself though, I was so surprised at how feminine Jessica had become.
"Man I can't even pose a threat to you…" Jessica groaned.
"Uu-! Battler's biggest weakness is falllll, falllll!" Maria joked cheerfully.
"The season? I think my mom actually likes that season most."
"Shh, cut it out Maria~. That's our little secret together. Yeah it's totally the season and not some other type of fall!" I shush Maria gently before playing it off as a joke with Jessica.
"Ahhh! I can't wait till we get on the boat, the nice calm, serene-"
"Battler-san, how big you've grown…!" An old lady interrupted my thoughts quite spectacularly.
"EHHH?! Oh! Kumasawa baa-chan!" I greeted her friendly after being spooked.
"Uu-! Baa, baa black sheep… have you anymore…?" Maria recited a nursery rhyme she probably heard in school after hearing 'baa'.
"Ooh… want to feel my chest Battler-kun? I've been at the peak of my aging allure lately." Kumasawa offered while placing hands on her own bosum.
"V, very funny! My breast rubbing is strictly limited to bouncy girls!
Eva and Rudolf glared at Kumasawa for unknown reasons it seemed as their spouses didn't seem at all mad at Kumasawa's teasing. It was actually kind of weird to see Dad being mad at the granny offering her chest to me than me who started the whole chest debacle in the first place. I bet he also does the same to bouncy girls… ihihihi~
"Ahh… spending time with the youth always makes me feel rejuvenated and happy! Hoh-hoh-ho! To be fair I had some purchases to make but then it came down to me to pick you all up." Kumasawa chuckled.
Man is this old lady a trooper! Although she does like to try to slack off sometimes I hear...
"Ah, I brought some tea just like I promised last year Kumasawa-san. It's very popular tea." Rosa pulled out a souvenir bag and offered it to Kumasawa.
So dependable of her to remember a promise like that she seemingly made last year. Keep being the best mom ever Rosa oba-san. Now for the old lady… she's Kumasawa Chiyo-san. A senior servant who's worked for the Ushiromiya head house for many… oh who am I kidding? This is really starting to bore the heck out of me! When are we getting to the dang island and the boat?!
"Well then, everyone, shall we head over to the boat?" Kumasawa finally said the magic words.
"YES! Oh my god! Finally! We're getting to the good parts!" I jumped up and down in great excitement.
"Eh… George Nii-san? Has Battler gone psycho?" Jessica whispered to George.
"I think it's main protagonist syndrome… wish I had that." George replied.
"Well anyways Battler-kun. I hope you like speedboats.~" Jessica winked at me.
… Suddenly I was getting a really bad feeling about this trip…
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The boat ride was a boat ride from hell!
"Battler-kun you really shouldn't lean over the railing like that. You might… descend." George seemed to be eyeing Maria as he said these lines.
"... Descend?" Maria asked confused, not understanding that word.
It seemed George didn't want to trigger another sing-song 'fall, fall' from Maria and fortunately he succeeded in that regard.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It's shaking, it's shaking, it's shakiiiiiiinggggg! PARACHUTE?! BUOY?! MERMAIDS?! Somebody save meeeeeee!" I wailed as I confronted my new arch-nemesis.
"Battler-kun, are you sure you don't want the boat captain to slow down the boat a bit?" Rosa asked me.
"Rosa oba-san! Are you a mermaid?! Stop the shakingggggg!" I clutch onto her suddenly, as though she was my life jacket.
"G-get off me!" Rosa shoved me off quite roughly, probably because she didn't see that coming and was offended.
"S-sorry… wait, I should turn it over and see-"
"Like hell you're using my chessboard reasoning for such a stupid reason." Kyrie called out angrily when she realized I was attempting to use a common logic of hers.
Kyrie-San loves to 'flip the chessboard over' buuuut more into detail on that on a future chapter. Just know for now it thinks based on what your enemy's thinking.
"Nooooo that was my only hope Kyrieeeeeee! I'm gonna falllllllll!" I shout in pure hysterics after clinging to the railings again.
...So after making myself look way worse at handling motion than even Natsu, Aunt Rosa talked to the captain and the boat ride was officially slowed down.
"... we're finally out of the lion's den… I don't have to pretend..." I moan.
"Geez, now you're quoting pop artists who haven't come out yet… I had no idea you were so fragile Battler-kun. Guess that's a point for feminism, I can handle any vehicle." Jessica guffawed.
"Dammit… go ahead and laugh. One of these days… I'll find your weakness… and use it to squish your boobies…" I retort pathetically.
"Uu-! Battler is weak…" Maria said.
"Yeah… Battler is weak. I want to die on land, not in the ocean or the sky."
"Ah… I'd be careful what you wish for Battler. There's a lot of different possibilities on how your wish could come true. Hoh-hoh-ho." Kumasawa teased.
"Not helping Baa-chan…" I groan as Maria patted my back with a blank expression.
"Battler-kun. The captain is throwing in drinks to make up for this…. They're non-alcoholic but they should still be good." George-Aniki said.
"... Hey Jessica. How are Krauss Oji-San and Aunt Natsuhi doing?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Regrettably they're fine… Though every other word out of em' is 'study, study' or 'I have a headache' or something about moon tourism…" Jessica complained as she twirled her hair.
"I usually hear 'exams, exams' or 'kung-fu one day, capoeira the next' or 'wahahaha' in my house." George sympathized.
"Uu-! I hear 'didn't I tell you to stop making that uu- sound', 'why can't you behave', and whatever's playing on T.V." Maria… sort of connected with us though the first two phrases didn't really sound like anything Rosa oba-san would say.
They sounded like something a crazy, knee-jerk reacting, abusive mother would say… or maybe a mother with a difficult child. After shifting uncomfortably, me, Jessica, and George continued our topic. Or we would've but Kumasawa had stuck around.
"Battler-san, you still cannot return to your home?" She asked in a gentle voice.
"... I'm getting there... " I say grimly.
"Look! A convenient distraction! The harbor!" Jessica decided to save Maria's innocence further by pointing to the harbor of Rokkenjima in the distance.
Thankfully it works, as I really don't like talking about all this. The truth is I had a big split with my dad's side of the family and left them to live with my mother's grandparents, even using their family name. The family name in question is completely irrelevant so don't ask. When the grandparents passed away one after the other, I was forced to go back and live with the old bastard. Only he is at fault though Kyrie-san can manage him better than anyone at this stage and I respect her. He betrayed my mom and I can't forgive him… Kumasawa-san apologized for potentially hurting my feelings but I let it slide. Maria was cheering constantly about finding the island at last and upon seeing it, I smiled. It really hadn't changed much in six years. Rokkenjima, an island about 10km around, located in the Izu Archipelago but NOT a real place in the slightest. Very few people know about this island, it's totally isolated, and it's an estate owned by the Ushiromiya head house. Perfect stage for a mystery since Harper's Island.
"Maaan, it's good to be rich. Ihihihi!~" I grin cheerfully at the thought of how exotic the island was and how it was all for us.
Granted I may sound like a greedy douche but I lived a commoner's life with my grandparents so lay off me a little. Wouldn't you have just about the same reaction? I hate talking about the riches baby so I won't. Maria then started shouting, as though to perfectly compliment my subject switch.
"Uu-! Gone, Gone! Uu- X4!" Maria said.
"... Well that's new." Jessica said in response to Maria's 'X4'
Perhaps Maria was tired of saying 'Uu' or trying to find a clever way to say it without coming off as too obnoxious which kind of worked in this case.
"Know what she's describing as 'gone' Jess?" I asked.
"Oh yeah there's this Torii shrine or something on a crag. It's totally gone now!" Jessica confirmed.
"A huge lightning bolt fell one evening and smashed the shrine… The fisherman-"
"Ok, you can stop that right now Kumasawa Baa-chan. Ghost stories are for kids… younger than Maria." Jessica interrupted Kumasawa-san who had joined in again rubbing her hands together.
"But the misfortune I tell you! The misfortune!"
"... A sign… of misfortune…. Miss Fortune…. Ms Fortune…. misfortune..." Maria started sounding like a creepy child.
"Ah, Maria-chan. Don't worry nothing's going-" George tried to settle the little Ushiromiya down but she wasn't having any of it.
"Misfortune… is coming…...uu- to the world..." She held up a finger, raised her arm high… and pointed to the heavens.
"Are we almost there yet?" Jessica, seemingly creeped out, grumbled and folded her arms.
Kumasawa-san realized she might have gotten on Jessica's last nerves and so she weaseled way as stealthily as she could. To replace her not long after was one of the uncles. Regrettably it was the loud one.
"YAR HAR HAR! We're almost there! If only someone wasn't a total wuss when it came to boat speeds we would've been there faster." Hideyoshi, pleasantly oblivious to the mood, completely lightened the atmosphere as he came over.
I just wish he hadn't needed to insult me to do it.
"Aww, Hideyoshi fat-san, gimme a break already~... hahaha!" I tried turning the tables on him with a underhanded joke of my own.
"#itch what did you just say?" Hideyoshi seemed to hear me and grumbled angrily, dropping his Kansai accent in the process.
"Uu-! Don't ignore the misfortune." Maria grumbled as she realized no one was listening to her.
"Don't worry Maria, as long as we're together, nothing bad can happen. George doesn't lie you know." George faced Maria and spoke very soothing words to her.
"You're right! George never lies!" Maria grinned happily and jumped into his arms.
"He learned from the best! Wahahaha!" Hideyoshi cackled gleefully.
...I'm starting to see why the anime got this story rolling quicker. Luckily after some conveniently timed squiggly lines and fade-out, we'll reach the island. Which is next chapter… OH PLEASE let me not be the narrator this time. This job sucks!
10:30 on the clock but the party hasn't started yet.
To Be Continued...